Life and its super busy moments have suspended my Bachelorette blogging in recent weeks. Therefore, I have decided to combine my thoughts on the past 3 episodes and place them all in one post...
Constantine gets the first one on one. They begin to paint a lantern. Ash paints a couple of peculiar things resembling something my 5 year old brought home from school last year. They move on to dinner and Constantine lobbies for her to keep him for hometowns. His face gets shinier, his hair gets kinkier and he babbles on while she nods with a blank stare and says nothing intelligent. What would Ames think about this? They release their lantern. Very cool! Best part of this uneventful date.
Ben gets the next date. Yippee! Once again she says she’s looking for the whole package. Just sayin. The only man who can rock a white sheer top is also the only man who can rock a scooter. Seriously. This dude is it. She tells him to keep his eyes on the road and what does he say? “It’s hard with the precious cargo I have behind me.” Awwww. Yes Ashley he IS the man. At dinner he says all the right things. Meanwhile she sits nodding with that signature blank stare, undressing him with her eyes, no doubt. She responds to nothing. She waits for his mouth to stop moving so she can lean in for a kiss. I’m having a Jillian flashback at this moment.
The group date card arrives. Ryan wipes sweat from his brow, squirms in his boxers, chews on his knuckles and tries not to tinkle himself. He is soooooo tired of being the only one without a one on one. His name is not on the card! Of course he verifies to make sure they aren’t yanking his chain. Done. One-on-one on deck.
The next morning Ben still isn’t back. JP sits on the couch stewing in his fury. We get a peek into his anger issues and his need to control her actions to suit him. All of a sudden I’m not feeling JP. Short-fused control freaks make me gag. He just slipped below Ames on my list.
Group date time. Wow she has evidently decided to make a mockery of these guys. They enter a boutique for wedding photos. Without a doubt they get butterflies, thinking they are about to score some super fly pics. Uhhh-ohhh, not so much. Lucas and Ames are given completely preposterous getups, while JP is given a traditional tux. Hmmm...could this be the result of his early morning temper tantrums? Loving Ashley’s cute finger wave for the oriental shoot, by the way. I assure you JP was NOT feeling that shoot, though. With Ames she got to wear a gorgeous long sparkling gown while he was stuck with a flamboyant suit with a snow goose hanging out of the pocket. Real fair, Ashley. She gets another pretty gown for JP’s shoot, but stands in front of a wrinkled cheesy background. Fail. They then gather for hors d’oeuvres -- hometown rose looming on the table. Lucas kisses her, Ames whips out old photos & JP’s veins protrude from his temples as he whines about watching her date other guys. Newsflash: this is a reality DATING show. He gets the pity rose, I mean the hometown rose.
FINALLY, Ryan gets his long-awaited date. His enthusiasm produces girlish giggles from within. It’s kindof cute, I must admit. Not much to this date -
Ryan sports a sweet pink button up.
Ashley has on a backless shirt I can’t quite figure out.
They throw bricks.
They have a long boring conversation about Tai-chi that quickly evolves into the fact that the sun is shining.
They show up at a picnic, Ryan on cloud 10.
He makes conversation about...well I’m not sure. He lost me at water heater.
Yada yada yada she dumps him on the spot and crushes his soul.
Michelle feels sorry for broken hearted Ryan as he unsuccessfully attempts to compose himself long enough for his exit interview...before hailing a cab. A cab! Really, ABC??
Ashley doesn’t need a cocktail party tonight because she has no desire to travel to the Lone Star state for a hometown. Or maybe it’s because she’s ready to get the heck out of dodge and doesn’t want to waste time. While she walks Lucas out, JP throws a jab at Ames, claiming he did NOT expect him to get a rose. Wow. Jerk.
Next, a sit down with Emily. She talks about her breakup with Brad and their continuing friendship. She seems genuinely sad, he couldn’t bear to show up and talk about it, but they remain broken up. I still love her, but I can’t figure them out. I’m over it.
First stop: Georgia with Constantine. It begins with lakeside chat on a picnic table. Cute. He lets her know they are headed to the family’s restaurant. She lets him know she can make a meeeannn PB&J. Kudos, Ash. They walk in and the female waitresses are all over Constantine. Hmmm. He charms her in the kitchen before they chill on the patio while those curious creepers, I mean waitresses, gawk and giggle. Awwwkwarrrrd. Ash and her man head out. They pull up to the crib and Ash can’t wait to be a part of this money, I mean this family. Pardon my Freudian slips. Momma Elleni takes Ash for a chat. Mom quickly, and in her own not-so-nonchalant manner, lets Ash know that if she chooses her baby boy she should be prepared to “come, here, part of this, relocate, jump right in.” She claims that relocating to the peach state would enhance HER SON’S life. Last I checked, Constantine was a grown man and can live anywhere he chooses. Run Ashley run!!!! Controlling mother = failed relationship. The family shows up for some Greek fellowship and plate breaking, or in this case, money tossing. Fun times. But I still have a gut feeling about Elleni. And creeping in the doorway watching them say goodbye is just plain old tacky. Don’t like that woman. What can I say.
Next comes Pennsylvania with Ames’ crew. What a beautiful place they have. She sits and talks with family members, having personal conversations with his sister and Mom. They are all articulate, sophisticated and intelligent. Not surprised. That picnic under the Magnolia tree and the carriage ride beside the water...phenomenal! He says some really interesting things on this date. For the first time, I’m liking what I’m hearing. Seems more down to Earth than ever before.
Ben’s turn! Sonoma, Cali here they come. Off to their winery for a tasting and then a picnic. He pours his heart out about his relationship with his family, memories of his father and the grieving process they all went through after he passed. Ashley’s response - “how come you’ve only brought home one girl to meet your mother?” Classy! He lets her know that if she doesn’t like and get along with his family, it’s a deal breaker. They finish their bordeaux and head out. His sister is sweet. His Mom is precious. They both carry themselves in an inviting way. This is a classy family! I love.
Oh boy. Now on to JP. Mister Romance takes her roller skating. He claims it’s because it was supposed to be raining. Ok sure. Sounds like a funny thing to do, but on a hometown date when you are trying to romance a woman you might not want to strap on roller skates and skate under the disco ball to REO Speedwagon circa 1985. Moving on to their “picnic” where he serves her Boone’s Farm in a Dixie cup. The only thing missing is a box of Ritz crackers and a can of spray cheese. The family seems like a happy one. They serve up a man size dish of some tasty looking lasagna. Ashley eats her fair share, then decides to experiment with bulimia.
Back at the mansion, at last. Did we really have to hear her talk about Bentley AGAIN? Ugh. She relives moments from the hometowns before it’s time to hand out roses to the guys she wants to spend the night with. Shame on me. How dare I accuse her of that. Still... First rose goes to sweet wine making Ben. Next JP. What? She knows that if she picks him, their overnight will involve a game of Twister, a Tab soda and a Culture Club concert. And lastly, Constantine. Ames looks around wondering if there is another rose hidden somewhere. He’s shocked. So just when I start to sorta kinda be ok with Ames, she gives him the boot. My theory - she was intimidated by the well spoken and posh family. She knows she’d never measure up. She bids him adieu and he is stone faced. What’s up with the handshake and the frozen smile? Is he up for a re-election of some sort? She lets the guys know what’s next. Destination Fiji. THIS is what’s up. Fiji has been at the top of my bucket list for a long time. Lucky them!
Can’t wait for the next 2 episodes. Who’s the mystery guest? And countdown to Bachelor Pad begins!
The episode people wait for. The pizza delivery episode. After 10 minutes of flashbacks from the 3 men remaining, our mystery guest appears. The obvious guess was Bentley but I didn’t think they’d let him vacay in Fiji after paying for his vacay in Hong Kong. My next guess was Ames. But we get Ryan. Obviously he doesn’t accept rejection well. I like Ryan but he’s a bit delusional to think she’s changed her mind. Has he watched the show before? Every season a disgruntled cast off comes back asking for a second chance. Every season, they are rejected again. With the exception of Ed Swiderski. Doubt Ryan joins the ranks of Ed and his green shorty shorts.
Numero Uno - Ben. They take off on a sweet yacht chillin’ on the deck rubbing sunscreen on one another. Although I’m pretty sure it skipped a part, based on her lotion request. Benny sportin’ some muscle tone. Oooh la la. Sunset kiss on the yacht. Double oooh lala. Of course they’d get a romantic candlelit dinner on the beach. So glad Ash dressed for the occasion. Yellow tie dye cotton dress that came from a t-shirt shop, frizzy unbrushed hair, and does she realize she left her eye lashes and eye makeup back at the room? Just can’t ever tell about this girl. Sweet Benny stumbles as he tries to communicate those 3 little words. In the end he decides not to go there. However where the fantasy suite is concerned, yes, he decides he WILL go there.
Next in line - Constantine. Riding off in a helicopter to swim underneath a waterfall. Cliche much? Conversation that didn’t grab my attention. Moving on to dinner, which began a bit boring as well. But just when I was zoning out, here it came...interesting conversation:
Constantine: I have something to tell you, Ash.
Ash: What’s that, honey? That you’re ready to rise up against your controlling mommy?
Constantine: That’ll never happen. I think she could take me.
Ash: What, then?
Constantine: In the past, affection has been instinctive for me. I have never hesitated to hold a woman’s hand, kiss her cheek, grab her booty, you know...that crap women like. But with you I find myself holding back. I’m not feeling this. I have no desire to hold your hand or grab your booty.
Ash: But... but... but...
Constantine: I prefer the term booty.
Ash: Is it because I am the chair of the IBTC? Itty bitty is in! I swear!
Constantine: Not in my world. Anyway, the truth is I like Ben more than I like you.
Ash: But who’s gonna make me pizza and build me a big house?
Constantine: I couldn’t care less, Emily. Oh crap, did I just say that out loud?
Ash: YES. I totally heard that. [says in whiny voice] WHYYYYYY am I not good enough?
Constantine: Because you eat gravy over your french fries.
Ash: But it’s delish. Who cares though. You’re a jerk and I love Bentley anyway. Ummmm did I just say THAT out loud?
Constantine: Yeah actually you did. It’s the end of the road. I have some waitresses to get home to.
Smartest move ever! Walked out... leaving her holding the fantasy suite card. Chuckle.
Ashley’s next move - dump Ry all over again. I just know the world was shocked to see this. Or something like that. Bless his heart, he left his big girl panties at home. You’ll be fine, buddy.
JP is last. They go to their own private beach. Talk about a great place to fall in love with somebody! Having a date in a picturesque locale like that could make Tom & Jerry fall in love. JP is being weird again. She asks what’s been on his mind and he clams up. Jeez.
They go to a little island oasis. I have to interject to say great earrings! Moving on. She tells JP that she said goodbye to two men the previous day. He about choked on his Pinot! He thought he was the only one left. Oopsie. Ben is still in the running, mister. He forgets all about that when she hands over “the key” though. I’m surprised he finished reading the whole card before jumping up and running off as he unbuttoned. Needless to say, they used the key.
It’s time for the weekly chat with Chris. Another street corner dress, another sad hairdo. Is the show’s stylist on strike this season? Even though there are only 2 guys left, she chooses to have a rose ceremony out of fear that someone might have leaving on their minds. They both accept and she tells them that she would have let Constantine go anyway. Ok whatever.
I’m just ready for The Men Tell All. Specifically...Bentley. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m tired of Ashley talking about him. That said, I’m ready to hear him talk about her! He’s such a jerk that he crosses over into funny. Guilty pleasure. If TMTA does not disappoint, I’ll be back when it’s over. Otherwise, until the finale. Dot dot dot.