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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Insecurities & Black Eyes, Episode 4

FINALLY Brad gives a “real woman” a one-on-one. Only real women possess the ability to kick their own derrière in their sleep. Take notes girls - and I do mean “girls” - mysteriously waking up with a black eye gets the guy. That’s how it’s done! But we’ll get to that.




Chantal gets the first one-on-one this week. “How deep is your love” on Catalina Island. Of course she gets picked up in a chopper. Is there any other mode of transportation on this show? Once again, ABC nails the fear factor thing. Coincidentally, or not, Chantal ends up with a date involving being under the sea, which HAPPENS to be a huge fear of hers. Ok ok I guess I’m being catty. Facing fears makes for good TV. Best underwater moment was this conversation...




Chantal: Oh my gosh what is that big thing?


Brad: It’s just a little fish.




Pardon me for wondering if that was some kind of double entendre. I’ll behave now.




Moving on to the love oasis. A tent, candles, a beach bed, such romance. Except for the 14 cameras, a production crew and bright lights. I’m so glad she finally decided to apologize for that inappropriate slap on night one. I was a little bored by their “moment” on the bed just before he told her to accept the *@%# rose and to quit talking and kiss him. Way to go, Brad. She responded receptively to the whole Alpha male thing. I must say that the “thank you God for the rain” moment was sweet.




Michelle and her drama. What would this show be without her? Peaceful? Some of her interview one liners that amused me this week:




“Like only me, like who wakes up with a black eye?”


“I wanna know who kicked my @$* in my sleep?”


“I’m gonna have Brad kiss my eye and it WILL make it better!”


“If I don’t get a date this week, Brad might get his own black eye.”




Four reasons to start getting fitted for a straight jacket.




Ashley S brought the claws out this week. She wishes she was the one who gave Michelle her black eye. THAT I would like to see!




Daaa group date. The bright spot in this week’s group date - no Michelle. Ashley S, Stacey, Jackie, Lindsey, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa and Ashley H get to put their love on the line. I’m assuming the mimosas provided in the limo were to loosen them up to tell all to the love doctor. Clearly, Stacey was a partaker in the mimosa consumption. Maybe she was sizing up the competition. She was quick to raise her bartending hand when Dr. Drew asked who had cheated. Nail, meet coffin. What was she thinking?? Brads response? “It was all about being honest. That’s SOOO important to me.” So important, in fact, that a one way ticket back to the bar was his thank you gift to her.




The group date moves to Brad’s pad. Alli and that green bikini! Stacey showed her desperation to explain her confession by abruptly asking him to step away from the hot tub to talk. After an awkward pause and an thought bubble containing the words “cheater cheater cheater,” he follows.




Back at the main house, the date card arrives. Unfortunately, we all know who’s name was on it. My inner mean girl emerged as I made fun of Michelle’s insecurity with the issue of the name of the date...”Let’s hang out together.” No mention of love. Watching Chantal and Marissa giggle about that very thing made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.




At Brad’s the race is still on for Brad’s attention. Ashley S apologetically steals him from Alli (while asking for a hug - weird!), Jackie steals him from Ash, Britt professes her crush on him and then lays the tongue to him, drunken Ashley H interrupts and threatens to take her white teeth and step back because it’s easier. They all end up back in the hot tub, Brad still in that hideous hoodie. Why? Hoodies and hot tubs. Makes no sense. Ah, but I digress.




Rose time. Brad begins his broken record pre-rose speech and drunken Ash begins spouting off over in the corner. Something about it being awkward, and something else between gulps of red wine and solo cup beer. No rose...oopsie. Good job, Otis. Run your mouth, lose the rose to sweet little Britt, who by the way has zero junk in her trunk. Surely I’m not the only one who caught that as she hopped out of the jacuzzi. Putting up my mean girl now. Britt was a very deserving recipient.




It’s finally time for Michelle’s long awaited date. Is it just me or was the black eye never explained? My thoughts - she somehow did it to herself. Maybe she poked her own eye to make it look black. After all, according to her, having a black eye makes her deserving of a date. Evil emerges before Brad leaves the house, woman in arm. I gotta admit, watching her seething with anger as Brad had a talk with Otis (as she fought hangover face to listen to him) made me smile a little. I’d have been mad too, but that’s beside the point. Props to Chantal for calling Michelle out about her attention getting stunt on group date #1. Who says, “Get me outta here!” Who says that? Then it cuts to her demonstrating the act of elbowing Ash in the face. Huh? I honestly don’t even want to devote a lot of time to this date because I found it BO-RING. Rappelling down the side of a skyscraper apparently is a sign a happy future awaits. Hmmm. Clear a padded cell because forcing a pinky swear that he’d never rappel with another woman puts her one step closer to certifiable! Yet one more scary interview clip shows Michelle once again claiming that no other “girl” back at the house can never compare to what she shares with Brad...BOOM!...followed up with something that can only be taken as gang signs. I’ll send her a matching bandana for her straight jacket. I’m just so so tired of her interrogation style, matter-of-fact, way of speaking to him. The bright spot in the date? One hour and eleven minutes into the show, he dives in the pool and then finally! You know what happened next. The shirt came off. Pecs. Glorious pecs.




Next came Dr. Jamie. Blah blah blahbitty blah. And that was it.




The cocktail party was a little awkward for the most part. In all fairness though it was more of a bunch of women - or one woman and a bunch of girls - creeping while Emily received a makeshift one-on-one. Shawntel counted to three and jumped in his arms, Meghan talked about having a wall up, and Chantal has a meltdown because she didn’t get a pic-a-nic basket Booboo. Said picnic was marvelous! And who else noticed Em was rockin’ a pair of stunning Louboutins?!?!




The rose ceremony lacked drama, and so did the exit interviews. Megs and Stacey parted with grace. Lindsey, the girl nobody ever even knew, showed us how to cry with expression only, no tears. Odd.




I’m disturbed at next week’s previews. Vegas baby! A city near and dear to my heart. I’m pumped! However, I don’t look forward to witnessing ABC’s cruelty at work. Sticking Em at a speedway? Really? I do look forward to watching Shawntel shop. I wonder how many black dresses our little funeral director will buy.




Until next week...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Tears, Episode 3

What to say, what to say about this episode. Uneventful...there’s a word. One question - if these girls didn’t know the Bachelor would be Brad, how is it they all have daddy issues they want to talk to him about? Brad. The man who’s MO is daddy issues. Subtle, girls. Real subtle.




Let’s start with the first one-on-one. Three words come to mind - make it stop! Seal rocks my world...I just hope he has recovered from that butchering of his perfectly beautiful song. My ears have finally stopped bleeding. That said, the date actually looked fun...ish. Who wouldn’t want to be serenaded by Seal himself!




Group dates are always entertaining. Especially when they involve Brad’s bare torso. I believe this season is three-for-three on exposure! Thank you ABC. When it doubt, make Brad take his shirt off. You can always count on someone to spice things up! Our birthday girl - no! birthday WOMAN - from last week is a little too predictable. After many proclamations that she is the only woman in the house, she slipped up by telling us she did not want to go on a date with all of the other “women”...did I hear her right? Has she finally come to terms with the fact that she isn’t the only person in the house over 17?  Maybe, but she made sure to say - on camera - that she hates the other women. She’s not gonna lie. She hates them. I’m thinking no Christmas cards will be sent?? So she is tired of spending her dates with other women. Has she seen the show? It’s the Bachelor, Michelle. The show where one man dates several women at the same time. In the open. It’s public knowledge. Sharing a passion for Starbucks isn’t exactly a path to the altar. As a stunt woman, Shawntel looked like she wanted to kill somebody. I guess business is down. This group date could’ve been more exciting. Alli - Michelle - an interrupted conversation about sexual chemistry - creepy finger tapping ... you’d think those were the ingredients for the perfect storm. Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight! But noooo. Thanks for nothing, Alli! Instead we got to watch an uncomfortable, awkward, kiss (that didn’t score the date rose, mind you). But at least the only “woman” on the show got her kiss. Sensual. Sexy. Slippery. Kiss. But Shawntel got the rose. YES! Brad is slowly securing his spot in a mausoleum somewhere in Chico, CA.




Emily. Beautiful, courageous, soft, warm, vulnerable, motherly Emily. If ever there were a perfect specimen, it’s Emily. Who doesn’t love this woman? I could reach through the TV and hug her. There just are no words. How can I, a perfect stranger, sit in my living room and sob for her story as she sits telling it keeping perfectly composed? Admirable strength. Of course she gets the rose! Of course! If she isn’t standing with a ring on her finger on the last episode, call me astounded.




Cocktail parties...where the claws come out. The first set of claws revealed in this episode? None other than our own obsessed “woman.” Her timing seriously could NOT be worse. Ok, in keeping with the format of the show, mini one-on-one’s are meant to be interrupted. But in keeping with human decency, womanly Michelle could pick her timing more wisely. But then again, I guess there is a sense of urgency when you need to corner your pretend boyfriend to have a pretend first fight about his pretend infidelity. I get it. And oh my, if my pretend boyfriend had kissed two girls with such similar names as Shawntel and Chantal, I’d make him explain himself too! You go girl, you twisted little sick puppy! Have any past stalking victims come forward yet?




I must say, disappointment has landed. The girl with the big fangs has an even bigger heart. I may be her only fan, but a fan nonetheless. Yes, I’ll miss her. Don’t judge me. Sarah also went home. Sarah? Who’s Sarah? Oh yeah. The girl with the mascara dribbling down her face. Kimberly gets the “most bitter exit” trophy. Or is it the “girl Brad is most intimidated by” trophy? SHE could turn around tomorrow and start dating somebody else. Hmmm is that meant to make the other girls jealous? The girls left standing in the house... that could just as easily get a date tomorrow. Ok, Kimmy if THAT is what you want to go out saying, more power to you. Brad is intimidated why, again? Because you're talented? Smart? Successful? Some guys find you attractive? Or is it because you drop unwarranted F bombs when you get tossed aside? Yeah that’s it. After hiding her insecurities behind eye-rolling fury in her exit interview, she and her rage crawl into a taxi, humiliated by the print of a perfectly polished loafer on her backside. She carefully wipes the tears away with the peacock feathers hanging from her ears. Bingo Kim...his loss.




Tune in next week for insecurities, creepers, cat claws, backstabbing, Loveline: Cheaters Revealed and a black eye thrown in for good measure!

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The Tears, Episode 3

What to say, what to say about this episode. Uneventful...there’s a word. One question - if these girls didn’t know the Bachelor would be Brad, how is it they all have daddy issues they want to talk to him about? Brad. The man who’s MO is daddy issues. Subtle, girls. Real subtle.

Let’s start with the first one-on-one. Three words come to mind - make it stop! Seal rocks my world...I just hope he has recovered from that butchering of his perfectly beautiful song. My ears have finally stopped bleeding. That said, the date actually looked fun...ish. Who wouldn’t want to be serenaded by Seal himself!

Group dates are always entertaining. Especially when they involve Brad’s bare torso. I believe this season is three-for-three on exposure! Thank you ABC. When it doubt, make Brad take his shirt off. You can always count on someone to spice things up! Our birthday girl - no birthday WOMAN - from last week is a little too predictable. After many proclamations that she is the only woman in the house, she slipped up by telling us she did not want to go on a date with all of the other “women”...did I hear her right? Has she finally come to terms with the fact that she isn’t the only person in the house over 17?  Maybe, but she made sure to say - on camera - that she hates the other women. She’s not gonna lie. She hates them. I’m thinking no Christmas cards will be sent?? So she is tired of spending her dates with other women. Has she seen the show? It’s the Bachelor, Michelle. The show where one man dates several women at the same time. In the open. It’s public knowledge. Sharing a passion for Starbucks isn’t exactly a path to the altar. As a stunt woman, Shawntel looked like she wanted to kill somebody. I guess business is down. This group date could’ve been more exciting. Alli - Michelle - an interrupted conversation about sexual chemistry - creepy finger tapping ... you’d think those were the ingredients for the perfect storm. Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight! But noooo. Thanks for nothing, Alli! Instead we got to watch an uncomfortable, awkward, kiss (that didn’t score the date rose, mind you). But at least the only “woman” on the show got her kiss. Sensual. Sexy. Slippery. Kiss. But Shawntel got the rose. YES! Brad is slowly securing his spot in a mausoleum somewhere in Chico, CA.

Emily. Beautiful, courageous, soft, warm, vulnerable, motherly Emily. If ever there were a perfect specimen, it’s Emily. Who doesn’t love this woman? I could reach through the TV and hug her. There just are no words. How can I, a perfect stranger, sit in my living room and sob for her story as she sits telling it keeping perfectly composed? Admirable strength. Of course she gets the rose! Of course! If she isn’t standing with a ring on her finger on the last episode, call me astounded.

Cocktail parties...where the claws come out. The first set of claws revealed in this episode? None other than our own obsessed “woman.” Her timing seriously could NOT be worse. Ok, in keeping with the format of the show, mini one-on-one’s are meant to be interrupted. But in keeping with human decency, womanly Michelle could pick her timing more wisely. But then again, I guess there is a sense of urgency when you need to corner your pretend boyfriend to have a pretend first fight about his pretend infidelity. I get it. And oh my, if my pretend boyfriend had kissed two girls with such similar names as Shawntel and Chantal, I’d make him explain himself too! You go girl, you twisted little sick puppy! Have any past stalking victims come forward yet?

I must say, disappointment has landed. The girl with the big fangs has an even bigger heart. I may be her only fan, but a fan nonetheless. Yes, I’ll miss her. Don’t judge me. Sarah also went home. Sarah? Who’s Sarah? Oh yeah. The girl with the mascara dribbling down her face. Kimberly gets the “most bitter exit” trophy. Or is it the “girl Brad is most intimidated by” trophy? SHE could turn around tomorrow and start dating somebody else. Hmmm is that meant to make the other girls jealous? The girls left standing in the house... that could just as easily get a date tomorrow. Ok, Kimmy if THAT is what you want to go out saying, more power to you. Brad is intimidated why, again? Because your talented? Smart? Successful? Some guys find you attractive? Or is it because you drop unwarranted F bombs when you get tossed aside? Yeah that’s it. After hiding her insecurities behind eye-rolling fury in her exit interview, she and her rage crawl into a taxi, humiliated by the print of a perfectly polished loafer on her backside. She carefully wipes the tears away with the peacock feathers hanging from her ears. Bingo Kim...his loss.

Tune in next week for insecurities, creepers, cat claws, backstabbing, Loveline: Cheaters Revealed and a black eye thrown in for good measure!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

New York Cheesecake, NYPD Pizza

 3 STARS


This is the picture on the website. However, it did not come with the glaze. To me, that is a crucial component of any New York style piece of cheesecake.  I only gave this three stars because it has that Sara Lee quality that almost turns me off. Not knocking Sara Lee, but a cheesecake out of the frozen food section of a grocery store just doesn’t make the cut for me. I would describe NYPD Pizza’s NY Cheesecake as a tad bland, a little on the dense side and heavier than I like. This said, I did eat almost the whole piece. Therefore, it secures a spot on my cheesecake page.

New York Cheesecake, NYPD Pizza

3 STARS 





This is the picture on the website. However, it did not come with the glaze. To me, that is a crucial component of any New York style piece of cheesecake.  I only gave this three stars because it has that Sara Lee quality that almost turns me off. Not knocking Sara Lee, but a cheesecake out of the frozen food section of a grocery store just doesn't make the cut for me. I would describe NYPD Pizza's NY Cheesecake as a tad bland, a little on the dense side and heavier than I like. This said, I did eat almost the whole piece. Therefore, it secures a spot on my cheesecake page.


The First Dates, Episode 2

Ahhh the joys of the first dates. It’s where the fun - and the cat fights - begin. This season’s first date episode followed suit indeed! Ashley H, that lucky chica. Not only did she get the first one-on-one date, she got her own personal carnival in the middle of the woods. Although, at first it seemed like a scene from Friday the 13th: Jason Meets It. Talking about daddy issues on National TV was a little uncomfortable to watch. But that kiss on the ferris wheel. Oh that kiss. The whole date was such a throwback to my childhood when the dog days of summer meant county fairs. Tilt-A-Whirl, you are my Everest! The difference is, Brad and Ash didn’t have to wait in lines and they got a glass of wine with their cotton candy. What?!




The dreaded group date did not disappoint. Last week I believe I sang the praises of Michelle. Oh what a difference a week makes. Happy freakin’ birthday Michelle. “Every girl he kisses after me will be one big disappointment.” Really, Michelle? Did you REALLY just say that? We get it - it’s your birthday. Your THIRTIETH birthday. I’m pretty sure the 14 other girls on the date who are there to catch a man don’t give a rip about your birthday. I’m also fairly certain that a man on a date with 15 women is not even concerned about his own birthday. Constant complaining trumps the sex appeal card. Sexy no more! Britt, hat’s off sister. In an instant you were able to shed that “big old prude” rep. Nevermind the fact that your coming out party involved shoving your tongue down Brad’s throat in front of 14 other girls and an entire camera crew. Prude no more! Alli, again with the green? And again with the tatas? Shall I get on Melissa’s case again? Why yes. Yes I shall. Somehow it seemed fitting she was cast as a cougar. Rawr. That aside, what is it that makes her want to stalk Raichel...perhaps she needs some manscaping. Oh, she’s not a man you say? Are you sure? Could Madison’s outfit BE more perfect. Long live the freak flag.




Let’s move on to Jackie’s one-on-one. Why why why can’t I move past her weird face & hair? I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I find weird, but I just can’t get on board with this girl. I have real issues with this date. Aside from her peculiar face. Is it just me or did she miss the mark by asking him if he would be putting on a robe too? A robe? Jackie Jackie Jackie. You could’ve asked for any piece of spa attire and you ask for a ROBE. How about a towel. Boxers. Speedo. Anything that doesn’t cover up the glory that is Brad’s torso. Let’s move into the 2nd portion of that date. Weird face had a room full of gorgeous dresses and she picks that one. The boring, unsexy, earth-tone one. Then she accessorizes by wearing bling down her back. Don’t get me wrong, this is stylish but I take issue with anyone who tries to be Kate Hudson. Joan Rivers, please get your Fashion Police badge out for this one! Moving on... two boyfriends her whole life? Enough said. Thank you ABC for providing entertainment by Train. THIS was quite the touch.




I can’t close without pointing out a couple of cocktail party moments. Alli & Roberto graced the screen. Roberto. Hot, handsome, sexy, alluring Roberto. Wait, did that just happen again? Ok, the cocktail party. Again with the stalking and the crying and the attacking... Melissa must be the worst Bachelor contestant ever. EVER! One second she is crying, whining and tattling on Raichel as Brad squirms and fantasizes about his makeout session on the ferris wheel. The next second she is giggling and proclaiming she had onions and peppers on her pizza and she ate 4 slices. Excuse me, what? Bipolar much? And what is an energy suck? If one random woman has the power to suck the life out of you, maybe therapy is in order. Anyhoo...good riddance.




Unfortunately, we also lost Keltie. Now she can add reality TV to her long list of dating techniques. As for Raichel, she might have been spared had she controlled those emotions and held back the tears. Nobody likes a crybaby, especially a man who has so many dry-eyed women fawning over him. She may not have been my favorite but there are a couple of others that should’ve been denied a rose before her.




See you next week, Seal! Musically, it’s already a stellar season.


The First Dates, Episode 2

Ahhh the joys of the first dates. It’s where the fun - and the cat fights - begin. This season’s first date episode followed suit indeed! Ashley H, that lucky chica. Not only did she get the first one-on-one date, she got her own personal carnival in the middle of the woods. Although, at first it seemed like a scene from Friday the 13th: Jason Meets It. Talking about daddy issues on National TV was a little uncomfortable to watch. But that kiss on the ferris wheel. Oh that kiss. The whole date was such a throwback to my childhood when the dog days of summer meant county fairs. Tilt-A-Whirl, you are my Everest! The difference is, Brad and Ash didn’t have to wait in lines and they got a glass of wine with their cotton candy. What?!

The dreaded group date did not disappoint. Last week I believe I sang the praises of Michelle. Oh what a difference a week makes. Happy freakin’ birthday Michelle. “Every girl he kisses after me will be one big disappointment.” Really, Michelle? Did you REALLY just say that? We get it - it’s your birthday. Your THIRTIETH birthday. I’m pretty sure the 14 other girls on the date who are there to catch a man don’t give a rip about your birthday. I’m also fairly certain that a man on a date with 15 women is not even remotely concerned about his own birthday, much less yours. Constant complaining trumps sex appeal. Sexy no more! Britt, hat’s off sister. In an instant you were able to shed that “big old prude” rep. Nevermind the fact that your coming out party involved shoving your tongue down Brad’s throat in front of 14 other girls and an entire camera crew. Prude no more! Alli, again with the green? And again with the tatas? Shall I get on Melissa’s case again? Why yes. Yes I shall. Somehow it seemed fitting she was cast as a cougar. Rawr. That aside, what is it that makes her want to stalk Raichel...perhaps she needs some manscaping. Oh, she’s not a man you say? Are you sure? Could Madison’s outfit BE more perfect. Long live the freak flag. Fly on.

Let’s move on to Jackie’s one-on-one. Why why why can’t I move past her weird face & hair? I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I find weird, but I just can’t get on board with this girl. I have real issues with this date. Aside from her peculiar face, is it just me or did she miss the mark by asking him if he would be putting on a robe too? A robe? Jackie Jackie Jackie. You could’ve asked for any piece of spa attire and you ask for a ROBE. How about a towel. Boxers. Speedo. Anything that doesn’t cover up the glory that is Brad’s torso. Let’s move into the 2nd portion of that date. Weird face had a room full of gorgeous dresses and she picks that one. The boring, unsexy, earth-tone one. Then she accessorizes by wearing bling down her back. Don’t get me wrong, this is stylish but I take issue with anyone who tries to be Kate Hudson. Joan Rivers, please get your Fashion Police badge out for this one! Moving on... two boyfriends her whole life? Enough said. Thank you ABC for providing entertainment by Train. THIS was quite the touch.

I can’t close without pointing out a couple of cocktail party moments. Alli & Roberto graced the screen. Roberto. Hot, handsome, sexy, alluring Roberto. Wait, did that just happen again? Ok, the cocktail party. Again with the stalking and the crying and the attacking... Melissa must be the worst Bachelor contestant ever. EVER! One second she is crying, whining and tattling on Raichel as Brad squirms and fantasizes about his makeout session on the ferris wheel. The next second she is awkwardly giggling and proclaiming she had onions and peppers on her pizza and she ate 4 slices. Excuse me, what? Bipolar much? And what is an energy suck? If one random woman has the power to suck the life out of you, maybe therapy is in order. Anyhoo...good riddance.

Unfortunately, we also lost Keltie. Now she can add reality TV to her long list of dating techniques. As for Raichel, she might have been spared had she controlled those emotions and held back the tears. Nobody likes a crybaby, especially a man who has so many dry-eyed women fawning over him. She may not have been my favorite but there are a couple of others that should’ve been denied a rose before her.

See you next week, Seal! Musically, it’s already a stellar season.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Girls, Episode 1

Ok I have plenty of thoughts, praises, complaints, concerns, and other bits of opinionated sentiments. However, in hopes of keeping readers glued to this post I will keep it as brief as possible.




A new crop of 30 mildly desperate, love-starved women have hit the scene. As in the past, ABC execs have done a stellar job in finding quite a mix of fresh meat. We have the gorgeous, not-so-gorgeous, accomplished, aspiring, intelligent, interesting, insecure, confident, delusional, crazy, aggressive, narcissistic, curvaceous, and just about any other adjective you can conjure up. I have prematurely chosen my favorites... and of course the ones I hope to say sayonara to soon!




My two cents:




FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE


Ashley S: Despite being a part of the influx of nannies, she is definitely on my A-List. Her current status as a New Yorker coupled with her accent provide an oxymoron of sorts. Cute nonetheless in her own Kelly Pickler-ish way. Oh, and kudos Ash for the butt grab. Nice!




ROSE RECIPIENTS


Chantal O: First off, any girl willing to slap a Bachelor and claim it is “from every woman in America” might just own a cuckoo clock if you know what I mean. I must let dear Chantal know that I have zero urge to slap Brad or to send her to do my dirty work. She might just need to go back to her life in the lap of luxury manning her post as a professional daddy’s girl - I mean *clears throat* executive assistant to the head honcho of an extremely successful car dealership. NOT on my A-list.


Kimberly: Not much intriguing about Kim. You have to wonder about the girls who felt it necessary to grill the man they are so desperate to “marry” about something he did over 3 years ago. Notice I didn’t say something he did wrong. Excuse me, but it is a bigger mockery of relationships to propose on national television and then break up the day after the finale airs than it is to take the high road and choose neither. She is definitely not A-list.


Alli: Ahhh the lady in green. Wait - did I say lady? I’m not sure anyone possessing that title would stick her trunk full of junk in Brad’s face and ask him if he can handle it. Ugh! Not to mention the fact that she told him “America hates you.” Ok honey corral those ginormous knockers and that not-so-petite bum and tone it down. More like D-lister.


Meghan: Not a whole lot to say about Megs, except that I wonder which cereal box she got that Fashion Merchandising degree out of. Those shoes. Those big--pink--shoes.


Marissa: The sports publicist. Such a cool job for a chick who happens to be chasing a bona fide dude. BUT...the desperation in her opening line is a bit disturbing. Asking a man’s man if he is ok with being with a woman whose life revolves around sports serves as a rhetorical question. Ahhh but she knew that indeed. Clever? Maybe. Transparent? Without a doubt. That said, I like Miss Marissa. She narrlowly misses the A-list.


Lindsay: The first grade teacher from Texas. The only red head. That’s all.


Ashley H: The sweet dentist who likes to hug. One of the few women that sparked instant attraction from our handsome Bachelor. I can overlook her cheesy intro package where she promises a life of fun, romance and healthy gums. Both Ashleys have a place in my heart and on my A-list.


Raichel: A couple of things come to mind when thinking of this self-proclaimed manscaper - undercarriage and bat wings. Raichel, Raichel, Raichel right about now you are probably second guessing leading with your vast array of manscaper terminology. Somewhere in between A and D.


Madison: Ummm, what does one say about her. Are those things real? Yes that sentence could be referring to something else, but in this case I think we ALL know what things I am talking about. How? Why? What the heck? A fellow blogger said it best - fly your freak flag Madison. She has all of the ingredients of a hot mess and I would never want to see her end up with Brad, yet she is my guilty pleasure this season. Why? I’m not sure. Her fangs are entertaining. She uses them for good and I like it. So sue me.


Melissa: She gets the trophy. The desperate bulimic insecure least favorite skank trophy. She puts herself on the map by exiting the limo and running straight into his arms with an ungraceful leap. She then asks, “Am I too heavy for you?” Well Melissa of course you aren’t too heavy for him, you weight 82 pounds thanks to all of that purging you seem to have done in preparation for the show. WHAT were the ABC execs thinking with this one? This woman didn’t even climb to my D-list. Remind me not to eat where she waitresses. And remind me to contain my loathing.


Jackie: I have no real problem with Jackie. I’m not sure where she went to elementary school, but they apparently forgot to tell her that pinky swears aren’t cool after the 2nd grade. Please tell me that her song sounded better in her head. In the South, we disguise pity/disgust with the words bless her/his heart. Poor Jackie and her serenade. Bless her heart. In spite of it, she’s ok in my book.


Sarah P: The blonde with the creepy lingering eye contact. I’m not kidding, watch her. Awkward never-ending piercing eye contact. Seriously though, who forces a guy to get on one knee and propose just to prove he is capable of delivering a semantically empty phrase. She almost slips into D-list territory.


Shawntel N: The creepy, sleepy-eyed funeral director who has Brad’s post-demise residence planned already. She freaks me out just a little, but I sense a sweet person underneath. Almost A-list.


Stacey: She doesn’t have a stand out quality. I just like the fact that she was bold enough to tell Brad she didn’t know who he was. She was looking smokin’ hott in her black dress and I am intrigued by her. A-list.


Lisa M: Cavities, oh the cavities. She’s tooooo sweet. I won’t deny my love for The Wizard of Oz, but outside of costume related events, nobody but Judy Garland can rock the ruby slippers. Come on girl! I find Lisa cute & sweet, but mousy. I’m not sure there is a backbone in there. For that reason, she just missed the A-list.


Keltie: My childhood dream was to become a Rockette. How could I NOT like a Rockette?? She has that Tenley-ish sweetness quality which I love. Solid dress, but lose the feathers hanging from the ears. She’s precious and lands herself on my A-list.


Britt: I have affection for anyone who gives gifts of food. She made no huge impression on me, and if not for the bag of goodies I might not know who she was.


Michelle: Her picture might be beside the word sexy in the dictionary. I’m all about her confidence as a woman, but I’m a little suspicious of her claim that she is the only woman there. Although not quite Dumbo size, her ears a little larger than most. Still....A-lister!!


Emily, Emily, Emily: I can’t say enough. Never have I ever seen a more perfect bachelorette. As a matter of fact, if she doesn’t win (and I think she will) the show would be crazy not to cast her as the next Ali. Although there is only one Roberto. Sweet, gorgeous, dark, hunky Roberto...wait, what just happened? What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Emily. She is by far my favorite!




THE FOLLOWING RECEIVED NO ROSE, BUT EARNED HONORABLE MENTION


Britnee: Narcissistic delusional Britnee. The warning that the girls should’t mess with her, the come hither hand motion from the crack in the limo window, the bubble dress. Good riddance!


Jill: Why would ANYONE think that the words “I’m ready to get married” would reel in a guy 20 seconds after you’ve met him??


Lauren: A high school teacher. Hmm. Of?? Study hall? Meditation? Continuous blank stare = A+. Possessing 14 unexpressive facial expressions = A+. Originality of being the only one with ice water at a cocktail party = A+. Mrs. Lauren completes her stint at Humdrum Academy with a 4.0.


Rebecca: Yes, kissing frogs IS how you find a good man. Go with that.


J: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear... Janet/Jennifer/Julie/Jasmine/Jolene...or whatever that J stands for, happy birthday to you. Sorry you got thrown out of the birthday party ABC threw for you.




This season is shaping up to be an interesting one. I just hope Brad learns that it’s not acceptable to echo the same compliment to every woman... beautiful dress, beautiful dress, beautiful dress...

The Girls, Episode 1

Ok I have plenty of thoughts, praises, complaints, concerns, and other bits of overly opinionated sentiments. However, in hopes of keeping readers glued to this post I will keep it as brief as possible.

A new crop of 30 mildly desperate, love-starved women have hit the scene. As in the past, ABC execs have done a stellar job in finding quite a mix of fresh meat. We have the gorgeous, not-so-gorgeous, accomplished, aspiring, intelligent, interesting, insecure, confident, delusional, crazy, aggressive, narcissistic, curvaceous, and just about any other adjective you can conjure up. I have prematurely chosen my favorites... and of course the ones I hope to say sayonara to soon!

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

Ashley S: Despite being a part of the influx of nannies, she is definitely on my A-List. Her current status as a New Yorker coupled with her accent provide an oxymoron of sorts. Cute nonetheless in her own Kelly Pickler-ish way. Oh, and kudos Ash for the butt grab. Nice!

ROSE RECIPIENTS

Chantal O: First off, any girl willing to slap a Bachelor and claim it is “from every woman in America” might just own a cuckoo clock if you know what I mean. I must let dear Chantal know that I have zero urge to slap Brad or to send her to do my dirty work. She might just need to go back to her life in the lap of luxury manning her post as a professional daddy’s girl - I mean *clears throat* executive assistant to the head honcho of an extremely successful car dealership. NOT on my A-list.

Kimberly: Not much intriguing about Kim. You have to wonder about the girls who felt it necessary to grill the man they are so desperate to “marry” about something he did over 3 years ago. Notice I didn’t say something he did wrong. Excuse me, but it is a bigger mockery of relationships to propose on national television and then break up the day after the finale airs than it is to take the high road and choose neither. She is definitely not A-list.

Alli: Ahhh the lady in green. Wait - did I say lady? I’m not sure anyone possessing that title would stick her trunk full of junk in Brad’s face and ask him if he can handle it. Ugh! Not to mention the fact that she told him “America hates you.” Ok honey corral those ginormous knockers and that not-so-petite bum and tone it down. More like D-lister.

Meghan: Not a whole lot to say about Megs, except that I wonder which cereal box she got that Fashion Merchandising degree out of. Those shoes. Those big--pink--shoes.

Marissa: The sports publicist. Such a cool job for a chick who happens to be chasing a bona fide dude. BUT...the desperation in her opening line is a bit disturbing. Asking a man’s man if he is ok with being with a woman whose life revolves around sports serves as a rhetorical question. Ahhh but she knew that indeed. Clever? Maybe. Transparent? Without a doubt. That said, I like Miss Marissa. She narrlowly misses the A-list.

Lindsay: The first grade teacher from Texas. The only red head. That’s all.

Ashley H: The sweet dentist who likes to hug. One of the few women that sparked instant attraction from our handsome Bachelor. I can overlook her cheesy intro package where she promises a life of fun, romance and healthy gums. Both Ashleys have a place in my heart and on my A-list.

Raichel: A couple of things come to mind when thinking of this self-proclaimed manscaper - undercarriage and bat wings. Raichel, Raichel, Raichel right about now you are probably second guessing leading with your vast array of manscaper terminology. Somewhere in between A and D.

Madison: Ummm, what does one say about her. Are those things real? Yes that sentence could be referring to something else, but in this case I think we ALL know what things I am talking about. How? Why? What the heck? A fellow blogger said it best - fly your freak flag Madison. She has all of the ingredients of a hot mess and I would never want to see her end up with Brad, yet she is my guilty pleasure this season. Why? I’m not sure. Her fangs are entertaining. She uses them for good and I like it. So sue me.

Melissa: She gets the trophy. The desperate bulimic insecure least favorite skank trophy. She puts herself on the map by exiting the limo and running straight into his arms with an ungraceful leap. She then asks, “Am I too heavy for you?” Well Melissa of course you aren’t too heavy for him, you weight 82 pounds thanks to all of that purging you seem to have done in preparation for the show. WHAT were the ABC execs thinking with this one? This woman didn’t even climb to my D-list. Remind me not to eat where she waitresses. And remind me to contain my loathing.

Jackie: I have no real problem with Jackie. I’m not sure where she went to elementary school, but they apparently forgot to tell her that pinky swears aren’t cool after the 2nd grade. Please tell me that her song sounded better in her head. In the South, we disguise pity/disgust with the words bless her/his heart. Poor Jackie and her serenade. Bless her heart. In spite of it, she’s ok in my book.

Sarah P: The blonde with the creepy lingering eye contact. I’m not kidding, watch her. Awkward never-ending piercing eye contact. Seriously though, who forces a guy to get on one knee and propose just to prove he is capable of delivering a semantically empty phrase. She almost slips into D-list territory.

Shawntel N: The creepy, sleepy-eyed funeral director who has Brad’s post-demise residence planned already. She freaks me out just a little, but I sense a sweet person underneath. Almost A-list.

Stacey: She doesn’t have a stand out quality. I just like the fact that she was bold enough to tell Brad she didn’t know who he was. She was looking smokin’ hott in her black dress and I am intrigued by her. A-list.

Lisa M: Cavities, oh the cavities. She’s tooooo sweet. I won’t deny my love for The Wizard of Oz, but outside of costume related events, nobody but Judy Garland can rock the ruby slippers. Come on girl! I find Lisa cute & sweet, but mousy. I’m not sure there is a backbone in there. For that reason, she just missed the A-list.

Keltie: My childhood dream was to become a Rockette. How could I NOT like a Rockette?? She has that Tenley-ish sweetness quality which I love. Solid dress, but lose the feathers hanging from the ears. She’s precious and lands herself on my A-list.

Britt: I have affection for anyone who gives gifts of food. She made no huge impression on me, and if not for the bag of goodies I might not know who she was.

Michelle: Her picture might be beside the word sexy in the dictionary. I’m all about her confidence as a woman, but I’m a little suspicious of her claim that she is the only woman there. Although not quite Dumbo size, her ears a little larger than most. Still....A-lister!!

Emily, Emily, Emily: I can’t say enough. Never have I ever seen a more perfect bachelorette. As a matter of fact, if she doesn’t win (and I think she will) the show would be crazy not to cast her as the next Ali. Although there is only one Roberto. Sweet, gorgeous, dark, hunky Roberto...wait, what just happened? What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Emily. She is by far my favorite!

THE FOLLOWING RECEIVED NO ROSE, BUT EARNED HONORABLE MENTION

Britnee: Narcissistic delusional Britnee. The warning that the girls should’t mess with her, the come hither hand motion from the crack in the limo window, the bubble dress. Good riddance!

Jill: Why would ANYONE think that the words “I’m ready to get married” would reel in a guy 20 seconds after you’ve met him??

Lauren: A high school teacher. Hmm. Of?? Study hall? Meditation? Continuous blank stare = A+. Possessing 14 unexpressive facial expressions = A+. Originality of being the only one with ice water at a cocktail party = A+. Mrs. Lauren completes her stint at Humdrum Academy with a 4.0.

Rebecca: Yes, kissing frogs IS how you find a good man. Go with that.

J: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear... Janet/Jennifer/Julie/Jasmine/Jolene...or whatever that J stands for, happy birthday to you. Sorry you got thrown out of the birthday party ABC threw for you.

This season is shaping up to be an interesting one. I just hope Brad learns that it’s not acceptable to echo the same compliment to every woman... beautiful dress, beautiful dress, beautiful dress...

 

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Blog About It All



Welcome to Cheesecake Moments. Before you is a blog about, well, it all. I believe that every moment in life warrants a taste of the decadence that is cheesecake. If you’re down in the dumps, it makes you smile. If you’re sad, it makes you [even if only momentarily] happy. If you’re happy, it makes you happier. But who really needs a reason or occasion to eat cheesecake? It is simply the ultimate “go-to guy” when you want to please your palate.


I have wanted to start a blog for several years, but never took the time to do so. My first 2011 resolution is to finally let the blogging begin. Within these pages you will find some of my thoughts, experiences, life lessons, plugs for some of my favorite branded items, an occasional rant and most importantly gratuitous boasting about my kiddos and other things I’m proud of. I have a passion for TV and movies and I freely give my two cents on my favies. Also, don’t be surprised to see sporadic critiques of random items as well. Humor. I love humor. I hope to provide enough of it to make people smile. In the words of Will Ferrell’s Elf, “I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”


I cannot move forward without admitting my status as an extreme novice. This is my first blog, my first online creation and my first attempt at gaining celebrity status. Just kidding with that last one, but you get my point. I never claim to be a grammar and punctuation expert. Therefore, I’m certain there will be mistakes within my blog that would make English professors want to take out the dreaded red pen. It’s me - the good and the bad... just go with it. Oh yeah, I am an over-user of the dot-dot-dot. Everything about this journey is raw. The site, the blog entries, the arrangement, the functionality... all rudimentary at this point. Please bear with my work in progress as I work to improve upon it. My goal is to add at least one post each week. Sooo...


EAT UP & HAPPY READING!