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Monday, June 10, 2013

Episode 2: Makin' Mad Rizzies

As promised, here is the recap from episode 2... and only one week late. Baby steps. It is a lovely day, the swimming pool is calling my name, the sunshine beckons, but I have chosen to stay true to my word. The outdoor fun can wait. So here we go. My continuing journey to play blog catch up, and earn back the respect of my readers. As I wade through the hair product on my screen, I hope I provide a recap worth the wait.

Chris enters in a shirt reminiscent of silk pajamas. Is it a PJ top? Is it not? Anyhoo, he delivers some much anticipated info. Fellas, gather in the living room for a little testosterone-filled bonding time. So fellas, how ya like this hizzel? Zak been skivvy dipping this morning yet? Let’s get this party started. Des will be over later. *insert cat calls, whoops, and applause* She will be taking one of you on a date, and the lucky man’s name is on this date card. But first let me give you the skinny on the haps. Each week there are 3 dates, group dates and one-on-ones. Roses up for grabs on each date. If you get a rose, you’re golden. If not, well, you do the math. If you don’t get a rose on a one-on-one, say your goodbyes. Here’s the date card. See ya later, fellas.

Brooks, I’m waiting for a sign. Great. Just fantastic, Des. Brooks? While he celebrates, we see Des sketching some designs at her new pad. She is pumped up about her upcoming dates.

She picks up Brooks in her Bentley. The first complainer ABC shows us is none other than Ben. This isn’t looking good. It takes a “special” guy to irritate me this severely by episode 2. So she takes Brooks to her place of employment to show him what she does. While there, he unwittingly dresses for St. Patty’s Day. Then they dress a little spiffier, take a couple of selfies and head to a cupcake truck to grab red velvet and be mobbed by strange people before visiting theHollywood sign. I’ve said it a million is on my bucket list to visit this landmark up close. I’ve been to LA twice, but didn’t get to do that because of construction... both times. Boo. Anyway, lucky them. Ok, so he’s a sweet guy with a good sense of humor. I’ll give him that. But geez Louise. The hair. The teeth. The chin dimple. The almost feminine air he exudes. No. Just no. Des disagrees, though, evidenced by a game of tonsil hockey high above the Hollywood Hills. And all while sitting on the big L. If they wanted irony, they would’ve chosen the big O. But a letter’s a letter.

Brooks Part 2. A spooky drive in a shady part of town. All leading to a bridge hijacked by ABC for a candlelit dinner. Kudos, Mr. Producer Man. Pretty sweet trick...except for the part where this is happening in a seedy part of town. But alas, the romantic dinner was sabotaged by talk of divorce and other such sadness. Buzz kill.

Meanwhile, the next date card arrives amongst the hooping and hollering going on back at the mansion. Hashtagger Kasey is quick to grab it up and read it aloud. It’s the group date. Dan, Juan Pablo, #myself, Zack K., Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben. Who’s here for the right reasons? 

Back to Brooks Part 2. He gets a sympathy rose. Yeah yeah. I know. That’s not fair. Maybe she actually likes him. Probably so. But the only chemistry I feel between them is of the BFF sort. Nonetheless, Des and her bestie make the magical journey to a concert in the dark. It’s Andy Grammer. The only song of his I know, I don’t really like. However, a private concert would be romantic even if Joan Rivers were the one singing. Well, not really, but you get the point. They dance the night away with even more kissing. Kinda puts a hole in my BFF theory, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

A group date at a winery. Because yes. That’s just what a group of salacious frat boys need to win over a lady... an unlimited supply of alcohol. Throw in a large house, a few sports cars and Soulja Boy and action is bound to be lurking around the corner. Oh Mikey T. As we say in the South, bless his heart. He actually threw his arms out to do the Crank That move. I heard a Superman reference as well. Yes, that just happened. Juan Pablo in a flat bill and chains, bro. That also happened. After that, a string of white boy raps - #holla - and some very interesting wardrobe changes and rehearsing of lines. Spoofing past contestants..nice! #Kasey is up first with the whitest of white boy raps. #valentinefail And poor Brandon. First they make him spoof Mr. guard and protect your heart. But then they make him “jiggle his junk” in her vicinity. What a trouper. He deserves the rose for that alone. Then again, most of them do deserve a rose simply for this...

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but #Kasey is growing on me a little. Just a little. #callmecrazy And Zak W. is pretty darn sweet when he has his shirt on and gets a little serious. Ben steals her away from Mikey to whip out his putty knife and lay it on as thick as possible as they relax underneath some sort of animal skin. He is itching for her to ask him questions. Any opportunity to sing his own praises, right? He starts licking his lips and I knew what was coming. Yep. He leans in for the kill. #disgusting Brandon looks on and doesn’t like what he sees. I anticipate trouble here. He may either get discouraged and shoot himself in the foot by being standoffish, or he may get jealous and obsessive and shoot himself in the foot by causing another Emily O. vs. Courtney feud. Michael gets his time alone with her and assures her that he is there for the right reasons. For all the right reasons. Just listen to the lyrics, yo. Meanwhile, Mikey starts to fume. He can no longer hold it in. He corners Ben. Maybe Mikey will be the obsessive one. He lets Ben know that he didn’t appreciate him taking Des away from him. He also points out that he doesn’t come off as genuine. So he said what I think. Is this a true statement? Sure. Should he be calling him out on it? Probably not. But before the chat can escalate, they start comparing shoes. Dodged a bullet with Sperry talk.

Back at the house, the next date card arrives. Brooks reads it. Bryden. Road trip. This should be good!

Back at the man pit, Brandon needs time with his girl. He steals her from Drew. He tells her his sad childhood story. Dad abandonment. Mom drug usage. So much deep rooted emotion in his story. I fear he is going to be clingy though. #baggage

Time to hand out the rose. There are so many deserving guys, but who does she pick? Ben. Yes you heard me right. BEN! Noooooooo! I yelled at the TV. I really did. It’s an ABC conspiracy. The “bad guy” always gets the rose. Makes me sick. So does his lip herpes, for that matter. #contagious

On to the next one-one-one. My boy Bryden. Hop in, soldier. Go for a ride in that blue Bentley. They take off up the coast. Hellooo! Dream date! West’s my Disneyworld. He is such a real dude. First trip to California. First time trying Brie. He is just so amazed by everything and it is so pure and refreshing to watch. Probably the most genuinely good guy there. Dinner was lovely. I have nothing to pick on. What can I say. I like this guy. Or maybe I love this guy. I think the two of them are quite a match. Of course, he gets the rose! Sniff sniff. Des wastes no time in getting him into the hot tub. She can wait no longer to see how the real soldier, not Soulja, boy tongue wrestles. And how about that torso, ladies?! #yougogirl

Cocktail party time. As it begins, I anticipate good stuff. Michael corners her early to try and trump the sad childhood stories that have been delivered. He talks about his diabetes with her. I’m just getting into the story and in walks Mr. I-already-have-a-rose! I know, I know. It’s the name of the game. But his approach is so infuriating. This guy just canNOT be for real. The word loathe comes to mind. This guy makes me miss Courtlip. Imagine. He’s just plain dirty, like his lip. When he said, “I love watching you smile” with that crow’s feet enhancing smurk of his, I literally had a physical reaction. Who falls for this crap? Who? Some of the guys pull Ben aside to read him the riot act. His response was just as arrogant as I expected. And lo and behold - we find out he is there to promote his bar. Thankfully, the talk of it has gotten zero airtime. Would serve him right to get the shaft! #loser

Brian carries her outside and tries not to rub any forehead sweat on her. He talked but all I heard was blah blah blah. What can I say. He bores me. That said, I did catch something about a recent relationship. Usually not a good sign.

Ting ting ting. Enter Chris with his champagne flue. Time to hand out some roses. In this order, the buds go to:

James - The word Duhhhhh comes to mind.
#Kasey - I like him more this week. I just do. #Dontjudge
Dan - Is this guy still here?
Juan Pablo - #rockedtheflatbill
Brad - I don't’ remember this guy.
Chris - I need to see more of him.
Brian - Is she for real?
Zak W. - Take your shirt off and tell us how you really feel.
Drew - Thank the stars!
Mikey - Uh ohhhh. Drama drama drama. Look out, Ben.
Zack K. - Thank you, girlfriend!
Michael - Double the drama.
Brandon - Sweet, sensitive Brandon.

Will - Can’t believe he lasted THIS long!
Robert - This makes me sad. Poor decision, Des. He would’ve spun your sign like no other.
Nick M. - Eh.

This is where I normally say, “Next week...” but in this case it’s, “Tonight...”

Looks like a fun time. More Brandon. Maybe more Kasey. Sadly, more Ben and his black tank from Justice. A girlfriend. A lying, cheating, deceitful pig. Any guesses on who’s girlfriend the mystery woman is? Forehead sweat?

How about the rap video at the end? Pretty funny. Except for the part where we got a closeup of Ben’s lip. Say hello to his little friend.

Until tomorrow, lovely readers!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Desiree's Crop: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

For starters, I am so glad to be back. I have missed the show, the blogging, my readers, everything about the process! Secondly, I owe you my most sincere apologies for the delay in getting started. To say the past few weeks have been a whirlwind is to highly understate it. But here I am - two weeks after the premiere - FINALLY blogging. I sure hope you find it worth the wait. Here we go, everyone. My first installment of Desiree’s Bachelorette season. Buckle up because, as Chris always states, this will be the most dramatic season yet.

In a random, and quite confusing, twist we are introduced to Des’ jalopy. For the purposes of giving this car an identity, let’s call her Beatrice.

So Des hops out of Beatrice and walks up the hill to her new abode. Obviously she is super excited, coming from her humbling childhood. In the old family pictures, did anyone else see the pics of Des and Lucifer Nate and wonder how did such a cute little boy grow up to be... well... you know? I sure did. Then came the flashbacks of her time with Sean. A reminder of one of the saddest goodbyes ever. Des is visibly shaken still. My guess is it won’t take her long to think ‘Sean who?’ though. Her new baby blue Bentley convertible should easily get that process rolling. Buh-bye Beatrice.

First up, the video clips before the limos arrive.

Bryden, 26, Montana, Iraq War Veteran - Hats off to him for his service to our country! Plus, he’s excited that it’s Des. Sounds good so far, but I don’t have enough information to gather an opinion just yet.

Will, 28, Chicago, Banker - This Bikram Yoga man loves life. He loves sweaty yoga. He gives lots of high fives. You could install a skating rink on his forehead. He loudly proclaims his love for her before even meeting her, and he does it Tom Cruise style. Again... is ABC trying to punish sweet Desiree?

Drew. Drew. Drew. 27, Arizona, Digital Marketing Analyst - So super cute. White teeth. Great hair, but lose the excess gel. Comes from divorce (I sympathize). Has a mentally handicapped sister. I’m thinking that makes him a patient and tolerate soul with a big heart. I like him.

Nick R., 26, Chicago, Tailor/Magician - Pulls rabbits from hats. Makes quarters appear behind ears. I still anticipate douchebaggery.

Zak W., 31, Texas, Drilling Fluid Engineer - He’s cuteish. Weird hair. Nice tan. Nice abs. But ohhhh myyyy goodness, I draw the line with giving Mother Nature a sneak peak of the goods over morning coffee. Creepy.

Robert, 30, LA, Advertising Entrepreneur - Sign spinner extraordinaire. Since I am an Ellen fan from WAY back, I have seen the sign spinning and like it. Bonus points for this guy. I believe he took a page out of Jef’s book of skateboarding. I can forgive him for not being original, though. He looks a bit like a young Rob Lowe. Just a bit, but a bit nonetheless. Is that a rescue dog he has by his side? Or has there been a freak accident causing the poor pooch to lose an eye? Shout out to my dog-in-law Clara, who also had an eye incident.

Mike R., 27, Dallas, Dental Student - Feels he is a Renaissance man. I still feel he is Jacob’s jacked up uncle with a bad spray tan. Born and raised in jolly old London?? Considering there is zero hint of a British accent in his voice, I call BC (keepin’ it clean here) ...probably more like, he lived there until he was 4. But he claims born and raised. Whatever helps him sleep at night.

Brandon, 26, Painting Contractor, Cali - Adrenaline junkie. Has some sweet moves behind a boat. Dad left when he was five. Mom struggled with addiction. Grandparents raised him. I alway sympathize with these types of situations. Has a positive attitude. Maybe my first impression was off.

So those are the clips. The good, the bad, the ugly. Now let’s meet them in person. In order of limo exit:

Drew. Drew. Drew. - Sweet hugs. Nerves have him shaken. He is so darn cute. Des agrees.

Brooks, 28, Marketing Consultant, Salt Lake City - He is this: nervous and cheesy with terrible hair. No thanks.

Brad, 27, Accountant, Denver - Pretty cute and confident. He brought a wishbone to trump her penny throwing. Not sure it was as successful as he wanted. I’m not sold on this one.

Bryden - This guy is officially on my radar. I think I’m going to like him.

Michael G., 33, Federal Prosecutor, Miami Beach - Hmm. A little in touch with his feminine side. Needs a little wine to go with that cheese. Sticking a hand in the fountain to find a penny for a redo...really? That said, seems pretty nice. The jury is still out, your honor.

Kasey, 29, Advertising Executive, San Luis Obispo - Works in social media... code for Twitter stalker. Thinks Des has amazing hashtags. Double entendre? #CrazyHair #ConfusingShoes #HashtagAbuser. He’s probably THAT PERSON who uses hashtags on Facebook posts. Hashtag pet peeve.

Will - Oh dear. I can’t even waste my typing energy on this high fiver.

Mikey T., 30, Plumbing Contractor, Illinois - Roided out. Wears white socks with black shoes. Thinks skinny ties are ok. Tried to win brownie points from Nate. Ugh, fashion-challenged butt kisser.

Jonathan, 26, Lawyer, North Carolina - My initial impression of him was mixed. My second impression... not mixed at all. Wow. A dirtbag with a room key. Gross.

Zak W. - Ok cowboy, we get it, you’re ripped. Now put some clothes on. And back off on the tanning bed a little.

James, 27, Advertising Executive, Chicago - What’s with all the dudes from the windy city tonight? He’s so serious. Tell me again why it’s a good idea to give a speech about loyalty straight out of the limo? Must be the side effects from the roids. Gimme a break. DB in the making.

Larry, 34, ER Doctor, Cali - WHAT.IS.UP with that Scraggler ‘stache? And those GOD.AWFUL dance moves. I can’t take him seriously. I’m almost embarrassed for him. Wow.

Nick R. - Brings his magic napkin rose and turns it into a rose. Ok, he has redeemed himself a little. That was a cool trick from an otherwise goon in a nice suit.

Zack K., 28, Book Publisher, Cali - Gotta love a guy who steps out of the limo in Chuck Taylor’s. Atta boy, cutie. Also gotta love a guy with a vocabulary. I’m all about this guy.

Diogo, 29, Ski Resort Manager, Lake Tahoe, CA - He claims he wants to be her knight in shining armor. My guess is he just ended his shift at Medieval Times and had no time to change. Didn’t he get the memo that clothing is optional tonight? Awkward. Judging by the reaction of the other guys, someone shared my opinion.

Chris, 27, Mortgage Broker, Seattle - Lots of pluses in his bio, but a little lacking in the handsome department. But on bended knee he asks if he can tie his shoe. I am thankful for that ice breaker. And I dig his purple socks. I like him.

Mike R. - 28, Dental Student, Dallas - I am saddened for the great state of Texas that THIS guy is repping them. A lab coat? Really, Mike? Dude. You are a STUDENT. Stop posing. There’s only ONE McSteamy son, and it ain’t you.

Robert - Tie removal? Huh? That was 50 shades of last season. Be original. Spin a sign or something. Ashley P. would be disappointed that you didn’t put that tie to good use. Still a good one, though.

Juan Pablo, 31, Former Pro Soccer Player, Miami - Such a sexy accent. And Hispanics are beautiful people. Our Juan Pablo is no exception. I am just worried that there will be a distinct cultural divide between the sexy Latino and the lily white Bridal Stylist. We shall see.

Brandon - Toned down the hair gel. Cool. Rides in on a bike. Super cool. He made a good impression on her, as well.

Brian, 29, Financial Advisor, Baltimore - Shows up in jeans, which might have been cool if he wouldn’t have used that as his springboard for letting her know he wears suits every day... with, I assume, the intention of making himself sound important. News flash: anyone can wear a suit but it takes someone special to wear class.

Micah, 32, Law Student, Denver - Oh dear mother of all things hideous. What is this guy thinking? What a polyester nightmare.

Nick M., 27, Investment Advisor, Charlotte - He is a “poet” with some “sweet rhymes” who also has a conversation piece on his right cheek. Sorry, Nick, I’m not a fan. Writing a poem for a woman is so cliche I feel like gagging.

Dan, 30, Beverage Sales Director aka beer guy, Las Vegas - A man of few words. But he has good hair.

Ben, 28, Entrepreneur, Dallas - Sooo... there’s the student posing as McSteamy, the shirtless wonder, this guy, and Brody the tiny studmuffin representing the great state of Texas. The Lone Star State should thank Brody for giving them something to be proud of. As for Daddy, he is laying it on pretty thick, down to the scripting of every element of that introduction. I personally prefer authenticity over cheese. Grandma made sure to hop out of the limo for a little airtime. Who are these people? I’m not impressed.
Chris lets Des know that the roses are fair game. She can distribute them how she pleases. Kasey is pumped that he could potentially get one. Hashtag he wants a rose, yo. I must say, thus far I am now more impressed with this group than I was based on bios alone. Some are cuter in person than in their bio pic. And then there’s Will. Ok ok, I won’t be mean. Nick R. has a trick up his sleeve, pun intended. He is quite amusing. Plus he made a white rose appear. Not to mention the sharp suit he designed and the sweet socks he’s sporting. Why can’t I get on board with him, then? Who knows. But I just can’t.

Brandon chats with her and immediately mentioned his Mom’s sobriety. Something that should definitely be commended but is it a good conversation opener? Probably not when the gifted coin is a segue into disclosing to Des that she was a tales flip away from missing out on his company. Hmm. Life decisions on the toss of a coin? Brandon. Buddy. Don’t tell her that. But I forgive him because I think I like him. A lot.

Next she is burdened with a sit-down with bad hair Brooks. Then it’s just dude after dude... until Ben steals her away to lay it on even thicker with some uncanny coincidences. You like to hunt? I like to hunt. You like roadtrips? I like roadtrips. You are cheesy and bogus? Well, y’all get the point. And on top of it all, he tells her that he is “best friends” with Brody’s Mom. Red flag. A grown man is never just “best friends” with a woman. Stay away, Des. Stay far, far away. ORRRR give him the first impression rose. Whatever.

Zak W. states that he needs to let her know he is 100% serious about this. My advice = put on a flippin shirt. Or you could just strip down even further and jump in the pool. Best line of the night = “hashtag shrinkage”. Nice. But it got him a rose, so props to you, naked cowboy.

She moves on to our Veteran. God bless this man. He loves his dog. He loves his country. He is a very interesting man with a strong jawline. His story of the little Iraqi boy who translated and who he talked to on a regular basis... be still my heart. I was literally talking to the TV telling Des to give him a rose. Glad she listened.

Juan Pablo gets some time with her to charm her. Not that he has to try very hard. Mommy likey da soccer stud. He does get a little sexier with every word that exits his mouth.

Drew finally gets his moment with her. He is so very nervous and can’t even look her in the eye. I do heart Drew. He gets his rose. Larry turns on the cheese to apologize about the dip gone bad. It didn’t appear he redeemed himself, but instead made things worse. He is so bizarre. I think he may have lit up a fattie before he got in the limo earlier. No early rose for him. But the opposite is true for Nick M. The weirdo, Jonathan, gets even weirder. He wants to kiss her on the mouth - his words, not mine. He tries to redeem himself from the fantasy suite debacle. He shoots himself in the foot by coming on too strong yet again. It is painfully obvious that he spends his time trying to get girls in the sack. Des did NOT fall for it. You go girl. And I do believe I have seen a first. How often does a contestant get walked out on in the night one conversation zone? Yikes. Dude. Get out. Oh well, at least his Mom tells him he’s handsome. Keepin’ it classy, bro. And she moves on. Just as Des is giving Michael a rose, in comes fantasy suite dude...again. He’s trying one more time to drag her to his place of romance. Is he drunk? Dumbest contestant ever. As Kasey says, #FantasySuiteFail. She gave him the boot. Again, you go girl!

Rose ceremony time. In order:

Brandon - Yay. I like this guy.
Zack K. - Double Yay!
Will - WHAAAA?!?!
Brooks - Hmmm.
Juan Pablo - No surprise there with this tasty dish.
Brad - Who? Oh yeah. Wishbone guy.
Kasey - Hashtag happy man.
James - Ugh. I guess it’s the loyalty rose.
Robert - Hashtag happy me.
Brian - I have nothing.
Dan - He has the beverage hookup... and nice hair.
Chris - Approve.
Final rose goes to Mikey. This guy over magic trick man? Disapprove.

We bid adieu to the following:
Larry - Good riddance, weirdo. Go home and practice your dipping.
Nick R. - He wasn’t “the one” but I think he could’ve provided entertainment. I liked his exit speech.
Diogo - Back to work, man. Don’t forget your Excalibur.
Mike R. - Thank goodness!
Micah - Fashion faux pas, man. Not smart.

Previews for the season. I like what I see. They will try and make us think there is a fight. But being the skeptical viewer I am, I rewound and watched in slow-mo. I’m not buying it. There is a smiling spectator watching this encounter go down. I am sensing lots of Ben drama. Not surprised. You know how I feel about this guy. I see a girlfriend. I see James turning out to be an even bigger DB than I anticipated. I see lots of sadness. I also see lots of happiness. I see too much of the hair guy. Right now, I honestly like so many guys that I can’t fully rank them yet. After week two, I will supply plenty of opinion about who my top picks are. For now, I can only say that I super heart Bryden, Drew and Zack K. But I single heart many more.

So there it is. Installment one. Installment two comes tomorrow. Installment three comes Tuesday.  Then I’m back on track. Thanks for staying loyal, my lovelies! Until next time.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

It's coming, I promise!

My dear blog readers,
It is that time of year again. The time we all share a passion for The Bachelorette. Sadly, I am far behind in... well, lots of things. Specifically, I have fallen behind in my blogging. As a matter of fact, I haven't even watched both episodes yet. I thought today would be the day but nope. Once again, life got in the way. Looks like my next chance to sit and blog isn't until Sunday. Busy busy busy. To you all, I do apologize. Be on the lookout Sunday night. My goal is to have them both watched and blogged by then. Or at least by show time Monday night!