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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Disgusting and DisgustingER

In the beginning, Chris and Ems reminisce about the season. The Kalon confrontation... STILL the best moment in Bachelorette - or Bachelor, for that matter - history! The awkward Doug kiss. A really weird moment putting Shelly to bed. A reminder of Travis’ humor. The revelation that Arie’s brothers are mini-pervs. A promise of Emily’s running man after the final rose. Can’t wait!
We finally get to it. The men take the stage. Loving Wolf’s pink pants! Everyone asked has a comical story about their arrival at the house the first night. And then there’s Kalon. “You try to prepare yourself mentally and physically....” OH-EMM-GEE. Boom, he begins his psychobabble straight out of the gate. And something I must say that I have surprisingly never said before... those are the WORST veneers I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Mr. Ed, much?
Chris and Ryan get into a conversation about maturity and intentions and what-not, and what’d’ya know...Kalon busts in on the conversation to sing Ryan’s praises. Whaa, whaa, whaaaat? This guys is desperate for someone, ANYONE to have something nice to say about, or to, him. Good luck with that, loser.
Kalon gets the hot seat first. We get to see it again. That moment. The added bonus is that we get to watch Kalon seethe over it. This dunghole expresses his disappointment about Emily being the Bachelorette because she has a child. I know this is stating the obvious, but this guy is ONLY about appearances. A fairy tale he has drawn in his mind. Kalon is delusional on so many levels. “Everybody in America likes things to be sugar-coated.” Hmmm. Really? Because I, personally, prefer straightforward. I also prefer people who aren’t pompous, delusional, evil and downright worthless. Literally the most despicable human being I’ve ever been exposed to.
Ryan is next. The most arrogant person I’ve ever been exposed to. Are there really women out there who fall for his bull? I assume as much. He has obviously devoted his life to spewing incessant “charming” lines. I pity any woman oblivious enough to fall for any of it. In watching scenes from previous episodes, I heard nothing come out of his mouth that wasn’t some sort of line. Gross. His wish was to be portrayed as exactly who he is. Wish granted. One word, Ryan. Winning. One more word. Arrogant. I must make note of something very important though...he finally tamed his poof, lost the bump it, figured out how to style his hair normally. For that, Ryan, I applaud you.
Chris gets his time on the couch. This guy is what he is. I think he is a bit stuck up, has anger issues, and is nursing a serious chip on his shoulder coupled with an age complex. That said, I do think he cared, and probably still cares, about Emily. In the beginning, he seemed like a front runner. Seemed like a catch. But his attitude started to shine through, especially in his goodbye talk with Emily. He was hurt, I get that. However his reaction was more hateful than anything. But again, he did care.
Sean takes the hot seat next. As much as I teased this guy about his creepy flesh-colored eyebrows and his strange kisses, he’s definitely a catch. Watching their time together play out on the jumbotron, his charm and their connection came crashing back. Sadly, so did his heartbreak. On that couch, Sean said all the right things. Something tells me this guy won’t have a hard time finding someone to love.
Emily comes out to share her thoughts. She fought emotion as she talked to/about Sean. In her next comment she finally acknowledges her regret, having not given Doug that group date rose in London... the comment that would be her segue into addressing Kalon. Before this moment, I honestly feared that she would go all Southern Lady on us and be forgiving of Kalon, and keep her composure. Fear no more. Forgiving? Friendly? NEVER. She is not afraid to whip out her hood rat claws again. He begins his nonsensical psychobabble yet again, and just as I, sitting in my living room, called him a politician... Emily utters the words, “and you, my dear, should be a politician because that is the biggest load of bull**** I’ve ever heard!” I literally clapped in my living room. Clapped hard. It just got better after that. And when the Twitter drama aired, of course I went straight to Kalon’s Twitter page, of whom I am NOT a follower. He’s already taken that particular “baggage claim” post down (coward!), but in reading his other tweets...good gosh this guy is disgusting! Or rather, disgustingER!
Emily talks to Ryan next. She knows what a sleeze he is, but she finds so much humor in his antics that she is a bit forgiving of his playa nature. I almost giggle at him, too. I get it. But he’s still digusting.
Bloopers bloopers bloopers. I love blooper reels. Some funny stuff in those clips. But darn those pesky little black boxes. So annoying.
Harrison leaves us with a cliffhanger statement about the finale. Previews reveal a dramatic conclusion to this exciting season. I’m counting the minutes. I will pause during my vacation long enough to watch. I cannot wait. I’d love to hear your thoughts and predictions in the Comments section below! Until Sunday, friends.
My favorite picture this season....

Monday, July 16, 2012

Walk Of Shame...Not So Much

First off, I must apologize for the undue delay in getting this recap up. I must say - it is very rewarding and flattering for people to show their anticipation of my blog! Thank you to those who have expressed their interest in seeing this recap. The past week has been an unusually busy one. Due to having a ton on my plate, procrastination has been my middle name on a number of things, including (unfortunately) this post. But alas, here goes.

We travel on to the beautiful island of Curacao. It is the week of the overnights. The week many wait for. The week of the bow chicka wow wow. Ahhh but not this season. It was more like bow chicka no no.
First up, Sean. Dressed in his salmon shorts, navy v-neck tee, and color-coordinated Toms. Who needs a luxury brand consultant when we have this guy. Sean and Ems get their own private island. A little barren, but a private island nonetheless. Emily engages Sean in conversation about past relationships. Apparently he stayed in a 3-year relationship with a "friend." Probably more like a FWB type of situation, but I'm thinking he's not going to disclose that piece of scandalous information to Ems. When conversation grows stale, they disrobe down to their swimsuits to frolic in the waves and maybe even snorkel a little bit. Seriously, why can't we ALL look like that in a bikini. Tear tear.
Evening falls on a secluded spot on the beach with candle light and some colorful throw pillows. It's nice to see Sean shed the Toms for a stylish pair of canvas lace ups. He busts out with a letter. It seems to be the theme this season. Although Jef is the only one who did it in style. My guess is Jef mentioned his letter to the other guys, and Sean's competitive juices began flowing. He ran to the nearest Hallmark store to find a card to swipe some verse from. Hence, this letter. Maybe it was a genuine gesture. It's just hard for me to take it seriously considering it falls on the heels of Jef's letter. I'll tell you what I DON'T think was a genuine gesture...and that is Sean's profession of love. Stumbling over words, looking uncomfortable, shifty eyes, lip-licking, saying anything except "those three words" in the order they're meant to be said. I don't mean this as a Sean bashing. I really don't. He's just low man on my totem pole.
Annndddd the moment Sean has been waiting for. The fantasy suite card with key. Stumble over his words no more, people! That man becomes quite articulate when it comes to the thought of making magic. Shaaa-wingggg. Except...wait. That's not a fantasy suite. That's her suite. Immediately, I'm thinking no action will take place there tonight. Especially since he climbs in the hot tub wearing the same pair of sweaty swim trunks he wore earlier in the day. So as anticipated, he does not spend the night. Bow chicka wow whooooaaaaa. She tells him that a couple more hours together is not going to change the way she already feels for him. Code for: pack your bags, eyebrows... your outta here. Back the libido truck up, mister. Put it up and head on back to your own place.
Date number two - Jef. Jef shows up in his boxers, or swim trunks, or whatever. Doesn't matter. I approve. Although he doesn't quite rock them like Ed rocked the green mini trunks. So Ems takes Jef for a cruise on a really amazing boat. They just seem to fit. He is a good guy. A really good guy. And apparently well-equipped with stellar balance. Who else can stand up on a surfboard and paddle his love to shore? Nice. If he will just turn up the romance, he'll be the full package.
He doesn't get accent pillows on the beach, but it is definitely a nice dinner table with a romantic setting. Conversation was good. Nothing too noteworthy, just extremely pleasant. Her dress was STUN-NING! Time for the fantasy suite card. He very politely declined. But together they decided to spend some QT together in the suite for a little while. And now she hears those three little words. Full throttle, no hesitation. He lays it out there. Ems delivers the same speech she gave Sean... the “I don’t think a couple hours is going to change anything” speech. Code for: you’re in like Flynn.
Last but not least, Arie. He shows up in some trunks oddly resembling Sean’s. The themes this season are abundant. Arie gets a boat ride, too. And another lengthy makeout sesh. And swimming with dolphins. Jeez, what fun! Yes, I’m super jelly! It doesn’t take a genius to grasp the intensity of their attraction to one another. But how much deeper does it go? If you could throw together the physical chemistry with Arie, and the....everything else with Jef, she would have her perfect man. Giving credit where credit is due, though - Arie is a great guy. A great guy with an eccentric and hard-to-read family. But a great guy in spite of it.
A dinner table awaits. Who else noticed it was the same tablescape as Jef’s dinner table? Ems, Ems, Ems. Make the set crew be original, girlfriend. I must mention a comment that stands out to me. When she asked what he does on a Tuesday morning, he began speaking about everyday life and stated that he wanted to watch her make breakfast. Watch? I’m wondering why he didn’t say he wanted to make breakfast for her. I suppose I’m unfairly judging though, based on my wonderful hubby. He sets the bar pretty high. I’ll back off. I still do heart Arie, make no mistake about that. And in another unprecedented move, she does not hand over the fantasy suite card. Does she know she’s picking Jef, so she doesn’t want to tempt herself into doing something she’ll regret with Arie? Does she know she’s picking Arie, so she wants their first romantic tryst to be without cameras? Who knows why she didn’t take the opportunity for more snuggle time with Arie. Based on their history, I’m a little shocked. I figured she’d skip dinner and go straight to that fantasy suite. But not this girl. She calls it a night.
Decision time arrives. Ems seems to be struggling with what to do at this rose ceremony. The video sentiments did not make it any easier. But in the end, there are only two roses to deliver.
First one goes to Jef.
Final rose goes to Arie.

I am so pleased with this final two that I really don’t have a strong opinion one way or the other. I have been team Arie for so long, but Jef has steadily climbed the ladder each week.
Ems walks Sean down the alley toward his ride out of Curacao. And toward the loud birds, car horns, and barking dogs echoing in the background. After a long silence, she begins to sob and apologize. He makes a very graceful and oh-so-heartbreaking exit, and Emily sits back down while continuing to spasm-cry. Peculiar.
After some reminders of this season’s endless supply of douchebaggery, I am pumped about The Men Tell All episode. There is bound to be drama! Will Kalon act like the same pompous *** he did this entire season, or will he come on with some fake apologies to save his image? How many times will Ryan say yeah girl? Will Chris be so bold as to insinuate that Emily did the female population a favor by putting him back on the market? Has Travis replaced Shelly with a new egg? Those questions and many more shall be answered in a sure to be dramatic TMTA! See you there, friends!
Closing remarks - The Bachelor Pad is going to rock. I hope Kalon gets what’s coming to him in the BP house. How the bleep did Erica Rose get recast? Could I BEEEE more excited that Reid joins  this season? Didn’t we get enough of Stagliano last time? Will Ed bring his green shortie shorts? Will Jamie talk about her awkward kiss with Bennyboo? If Tony missed his son so badly, what is he doing on THIS show?? I miss Roberto.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Things Worth Pondering

Hello, readers! I have a very busy day on tap, and that day starts now. I will not be able to get a full blog up until tonight...or worse, possibly tomorrow night (after busy day #2). Therefore, I wanted to just throw a few things out there to think about...

Things Worth Pondering

  • Why is it not against the law to look THAT good in a!
  • How many different colored Toms does Sean own?
  • Why are the bugs so loud in Curacao?
  • Why does Sean never turn his head to deliver one of those awkward kisses?

  • Is Jef's picture in the dictionary next to the word perfect?
  • Do dolphins find Arie as sexy as the rest of us do?
  • WHY WHY WHY did she not give Arie the card?
  • Did ABC intentionally dress Arie and Harrison as twinkies at the rose ceremony?
  • Did Sean go back to Dallas and find some appropriate eyebrow dye? And is it just me or did they actually get lighter than flesh-colored before he left? Still creepy.
  • Has there ever been a funnier outtake reel?
Who's it going to be? Arie or Jef? Jef or Arie? Hit the Comment button below and share your guess!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Episode 9, Hometowns

This week, Emily reunites with little Ricki back in Charlotte in the house of mint green walls... and ceilings. It's such a beautiful house. Who thought it would be a good idea to paint the walls the color of infection? Anyhoo, her baby comes running out to meet her, and so did... well... nobody. Was Ricki there alone? I'm certain she wasn't but it would've been nice for ABC to confirm that for us. Based on the cornrows, I'm thinking her sitter might have been Willow Smith. Out of nowhere, don't ya think?

Ems finally gets to meet the parents in this episode. She reminisces about her time so far. For me, it is a reminder of happy times, men in kilts, Chris' lack of athleticism, Arie's uncanny ability to make out, flesh-colored brows, and the fact that she and Jef didn't eat those danged desserts! Bring on the hometowns.
Chris - Chicago
As Chris sits and waits, Ems runs up behind and "scares" him. As if we hadn't seen enough castles to last us for 27 more seasons, Chris begins this date where? Outside a castle. Strike one. He has a theme prepared for the day. Oh goody. Themes are fun. They then stroll up Michigan Avenue, making their way through construction, until they reach the Chicago River and gaze down at a tour boat. Could the theme possibly be My Best Friend's  Wedding? Or maybe The Breakup? I vote MBFW. However I'm pretty sure nobody asked for my vote because on a scale from one to Polish, he's Polish. I get it. THAT'S the theme. I'm a movie enthusiast, so I choose to go the MBFW route.
Next stop, a vaguely named restaurant apparently specializing in Polish-American cuisine. I'm hoping it doubles as a karaoke bar where Emily will get up and terribly sing "I just don't know... what to do... with myself. Don't know just... what to do... with myself." Instead, Chris talks seriously about last week. He regrets how he acted and he really only wanted her to pick him so he could show her Chi-town and take her to one of his Dad's White Sox games, while his kid brother flirts with her. He preps her to meet the family. His Dad is the nice one. No worries there. His Mom is overly emotional but very loving and nurturing, as a matter of fact he is a self-proclaimed Mama's boy. Strike two. His sister is gonna be the tough one. She'll throw the curve balls. Although Ems won't get a chance to meet them, I'm assuming he has two debutant cousins who are partial to ice sculptures.
They travel out to the suburbs to see the family. They have a nice enough house, but every room has a framed piece of floral wallpaper hanging on the wall... not to mention the floral curtains. Now I see where he gets the theme tendencies. Dad pulls Ems aside to talk to her. He hesitantly assures her that Chris is ready to be a Dad. Little sister is next. Only, she is a little more assertive. She encourages Emily to dump him now rather than later if he's not the one. Well that was ballsy. Strike three. He gets her alone and stumbles over his words to sorta-kinda tell her he loves her, then they dance the polka and call it a night.
Jef - St. George, Utah
Wow. The landscape. Just wow. The Holmstead Ranch is the place to be. And a dune buggy ride, too? Whoa. Scorin' some major brownie points here, Jef with one F! And he takes her skeet shooting. Seriously, what can't this guy and his skinny jeans do. He gives the the rundown about who she is going to meet today. The parents are away doing charity work. Mystery solved. She will be meeting siblings, siblings-in-law, nieces, nephews, 12 horses, 3 dogs, 2 cats and a partridge in a pear tree. Modern day Brady Bunch, this family. Brother Steve has a sit-down with Ems. It was a bit intense, but productive I think. Next, the sister ambush. They put her on the spot about some things and then ask her if she is falling in love with their brother and if she is ok with his name only having one F. Just then, as if out of nowhere, the sweet little niece hops up in Emily's lap and shows her future aunt some love. I'm positive that wasn't scripted or anything. Nonetheless, nice touch! Again with Steve's intensity. This time he brings his seriousness to his little brother. Cool it, mister. Lighten up or Ems won't be back!
Jef caps the date by taking Ems to a little spot with breathtaking scenery. He reads her a letter he wrote while on the plane from Prague back to the states. This letter was a FAR CRY from Ryan’s boring novel. I do not know how Emily sat through Jef's sweet letter without shedding tears. I sensed that she wanted to tell him she loved him. He has stepped up his kissing, I’ll tell ya that!
Arie - Scottsdale, Arizona
Fittingly, Ems is dropped off at a racetrack where Arie is lapping in anticipation. He hops out of his car, grabs the sides of her head and plants one on her. It wasn't as passionate as we've seen in the past, but still yummy! Ems describes him as looking stupid hot. Yeah, I'd have to agree. Stupid, yo. He takes her for a ride around the track. Then a picnic where he preps her to meet the fam.

Arie: So my Dad is very laid back, funny, charming...
Ems: Just like you huh? Is he also crazy stupid sexy?
Arie: Well I prefer not to look at him that way. My Dad won the Indy 500 in '90 and '97. 
Ems: Yeah yeah yeah, when are you gonna kiss me?
Arie: Patience, woman, patience. My parents are very happy, just like we could be.
Ems: Tell me about your Mom. Is she going to like me?
Arie: She might be hard to win over. She has a tough outershell. But in all fairness, she is over-Botoxed and over-tanned. That'll do it every time.
Ems: Does she also have veneers and implants? We can compare stories!
Arie: Ok this is getting weird.

They arrive at Arie's parents' stucco mansion in the desert. At first glance, his Mom appeared very pretty. Then we get a closer look at her facial enhancements. Try pretty...ish. The family gathered for stories about how the elder Luyendyks met. Then something happened. Probably the weirdest thing I've ever witnessed. Maybe not EVER, but it's close. These people started speaking Dutch. Carrying on a conversation while Emily sat there in sheer disbelief. Rude. That's all I know to say. Rude. Arie's Mom pulls her aside and quizzes her about why it didn't work out with Brad. Emily is too polite to tell her it was because Brad was a total horse's ezel. Turns out both parents are supportive of this union. One of the twins loves her accent. The other twin and the sister have very little to say, but I assume they like her too. Who wouldn't? Another smooth hometown.

Sean - Dallas, Texas

Sean walks his pooches at White Rock Lake, looking snazzy in a yellow/white striped v-neck tee, grey shorts and matching Toms. Sitting down with a glass of wine, Ems wants to know how many girls he has taken home to meet the family. Then Sean discloses that he won't allow a girl to give herself to him if he can't reciprocate. Huhh? Then he gives her the grossest kiss in Bachelorette history. Seriously. Gag-worthy. By the way, where did the dogs go?

Sean takes her to his parents' place in an obviously affluent neighborhood. They enter through the front door and the first thing I notice was yet another framed piece of wallpaper. What's with this? A trend that hasn't reached Arkansas yet? Not exactly a trend I would follow, anyway. So they hit the back yard to meet the fam. Little Kensington and Smith. Adorable kids with last names as first names. But they are so darn cute, they can pull that off. Sister-in-law encourages little Kensington to go show Emily the playhouse. Convenient. If Ricki were a boy, would they be chomping at the bits to show Ems a backyard baseball field? Whatever it takes to win her over, though. The rest of the family seems very nice.... AND they have eyebrows that contrast with their skin tone.

And boy oh boy, the moment we've waited for since last week's previews... the moment when Sean tells her he still lives at home. The moment where women everywhere let out a collective gasp. LIVES AT HOME?? Another Mama's boy? And what's worse that that. That filthy room. The cookie crumbs, the stuffed animals, the cracker box, the glass of milk, oh dear. Just as Emily was rehearsing her goodbye speech for Sean, he tells her he was kidding. He doesn't live at home. That filth was staged. Ok, well that sure was an elaborate trick to play on her. Couldn't they have just told her a knock knock joke? This was just weird to me. Sean and his Dad sit by the pool for a deep talk. Sadly, I start to notice where Sean gets the creepy eyebrow gene. I hadn't noticed it at first. But now. Yep, mystery solved. Dad displays his feminine tendencies as he sits with Ems. I believe the family really liked her. This was a Mayberry hometown if ever I've seen one. He walks her out, and just as I say out loud, "Sean keep that tongue in that mouth!".... bleck. He does it again. Peeks that nasty tongue out to disgust the viewing audience. Then he chases her down the street for one last kiss. Luckily, the camera wasn't up close and personal for that one. Gross.

Predictably, Ems chooses a gorgeous gown for the rose ceremony. Royal blue with a blinged-out midriff. Beautiful.

First rose goes to Arie. Yay, more beautiful kisses.
Next, Jef. My definite number two.
Lastly, Sean. He is pleased. Chris is not.

Wow, one of the most bitter exits ever. Chris' arrogance is so very apparent. He has shown glimpses of a darker side in the past few episodes. But this time he didn't hold back. I'm thinking there are underlying anger issues. He thinks he is ten times the man any of those other dudes are... but on a scale of one to gone, he's gone.

Next week, fun times in the Caribbean. The island of Curacao. Nice. I'm ready. Ready to find out who the final two will be. I feel confident - and hopeful - it will be Arie and Jef.

PS - The armadillo at the end. I have no words. None at all. Now please excuse me while I go do something about the gag reflex spasms I'm having.

My wish....