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Monday, February 13, 2017

Middle of a Memory

For the avid Bachelor watchers out there, especially those who listen to country music! Take a gander at Cole's love interest in this video.



PS - I haven't finished tonight's episode but I hope to finish it tonight and blog tomorrow night!

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Three Cuts And A Choke

Hi all. Back to NOLA we go. And as has become the status quo, we begin with more of the Corinne show. Or in this case, the Taylor vs. Corinne championship match. Take your corners and hold on tight. This could be "the most dramatic" moment in Bachelor franchise history.

But it wasn't really. It was a bit uneventful and predictable. Taylor's in denial about her lack of a spark with Nick. Corinne fumes, and then gloats. And in case you didn't know, cats have nine lives and b****es have two. Not quite sure what that means but I'm pretty sure she doesn't either. Also, she doesn't even realize she's claiming she has only two lives. It's a situation.

No cocktail party. Instead they visit Forrest Gump's childhood home and go straight to the roses. The ones without a rose slam back a drink while Danielle M. and Rachel sit back and relax, and Corinne eats a rose petal.

Rose recipients:
Kristina
Raven
Vanessa
Danielle L.
Jasmine
My heart thumps as I say aloud, "oh pleeeease say Alexis!!"
But no, Whitney what's-her-face gets the final rose.

Cue music.



I was over Josephine and Jaimi anyway so it's all good there. But Alexis?? Really?? Last week Sarah, this week the quirky dolphin enthusiast? Life is like a box of chocolates. Josephine hugs him and whispers, "you'll miss my book wiener." Jaimi smudges her purple lipstick with snot, and Alexis visualizes running a dorsal fin into his crotch. 

Now it's off to St. Thomas. Nick circles the island in a seaplane while giving us an up close and personal glimpse of his leg hair.



Kristina immediately gets whisked away while the other girls watch with envy as they fly off.  The camera continues to show us Nick's hairy legs. Jasmine whines about not getting the date. She isn't the first girl to leave her big girl panties at home.

Nick takes Kristina to a scenic overlook for some unlabeled domestic brewskis and deep conversation. She starts off with a little bit of family tree business then lays a lip lock on him before heading down to the beach.

Back at the condo, Vanessa gives a history lesson that the girls pretend to be interested in. She also put a T on the end of learned. She learnT some history. Lorna shows up and Corinne gets a little turned on at the thought of getting her clothes pressed, her pina coladas freshly blended and poolside service complete with lobster dip. She thinks Raquel will be jealous, but I'm taking bets on how many parties Raquel has thrown since Corinne left.

Nick continues to dig for family background. Kristina goes into detail about her circumstances in Russia. Michelle weeps. Seriously. I can't linger on the topic. I'm mad at myself for taking her out of my top four on my fantasy board.

Group date card: "Love's a beach... Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine." That leaves Danielle L. and Whitney for the two-on-one. Ouch.

The group takes off on The Cat for some island fun. They start off with a little cornhole  Corinne sported a skin-tone bra and white panties, Jasmine is still wearing bikinis small enough for a Build-A-Bear, and Raven, oh as much as I love her, those bottoms. Yikes. Nick imitates a drunk baby dinosaur. Corinne IS a drunk baby dinosaur. V can't volley it over the net. Jasmine turns into a violent turnip. Everyone takes a different spot on the beach to cry into their tequila shooters. Corinne's right knocker slips out from underneath her top. Danielle M. dreams of the day she has tatas big enough to fall out. (Where's Terry Dubrow when you need him?) The day wasn't a success. Nick decides he should've worn trunks large enough to keep him safe from the threat of moose knuckles.

The evening begins and Raven redeems herself on the blue retro bottoms with that outfit. And it looks way more comfortable than Nick's conversation with Rachel. She rambled a lot about how this is way outside her comfort zone. Or maybe she was stalling so she wouldn't have to go back and hear Jasmine talk about punching Nick in his face. She's BEEN to St. Thomas, y'all. She doesn't need ABC and this show. And she most certainly will NOT be overlooked. She can and she WILL throw somebody down and go full throttle with a chokey.



No amount of pent up aggression could save her though. Even though she tried to go all Anastasia Steele on him. Nick sends all 50 shades of Jasmine straight to the hizzy. Raven got the rose, albeit unaired.

Whitney and D-Lo take off on the always awkward two-on-one, both confused about why they're on the date together since they get along.

I may be from the south but I do realize men's swimwear is trending toward the shorter. However, I'm just a little taken aback if they're short AND snug. And super short at that. Makes me nervous. What if he sits down wrong, crosses his legs and oopsie, out comes a hint of junk. My heart just couldn't take it.

Nick decides Whitney is a little too safe for him so he draws an X in the sand for her to stand on as he flies off in the chopper with Danielle. She gets sand burn from the propeller wind as she relives in her mind their time together on the side of the rocky surf, wondering where she went wrong.

D-Lo feels safe as they fly off. At dinner, Nick asks for two adjectives to describe her ideal relationship. She chooses two nouns instead: love and trust. She also spends most of the date reminiscing about their first date... all while not picking up on the fact that he is clearly disconnected. He's wondering if they have Reddi-Whip in St. Thomas. I'm wondering why she didn't use adjectives. I'm also wondering how I went so wrong with my fantasy picks. I lost one final four last week in Sarah. And now I've lost my final rose pick. Proof I don't look at Reality What's-His-Face.

Nick shows up back at the condo for a counseling session. He isn't sure this is going to work for him. He needs someone to pay him a late night visit. This tears him up inside. Every week, one of the fantasy league questions asks if someone will be in a hot tub. I'm wondering why they don't ask if Nick will cry this week. At this point, the odds of that are way higher than the hot tub thing.

Next week, everybody's crying. Again. Also, the return of the platinum vagine. Until then, readers! For now, let's pay our respects. Take care, dolphin shark. Nice knowin' ya.



Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Intelligency - It's a word now!

Hello, readers! This week, I cannot find the time to blog in full. However, I do have some thoughts to share...
  • At my next bonfire, there will most likely not be a conversation about maturity vs. emotional intelligence. But if there is, I want to know yooouuuuuurrrrrrr perspective on it.
  • Did it really only take a little heat from Taylor to make Corinne feel like an idiot? Nobody else has ever achieved that?
  • I'm going to try to make sure I don't ever have a "stank face" ON my face. Because having a face on my face would be bad enough, but if it were stank, ohhhh mannnn that's not good.
  • Sarah?? Of all people?! Curse you, Nick! Thanks for messing up my final four.
  • I'm pretty sure Nick chose the wrong line for his alligator head. Then again, she did say she would step outside of her box. Not "the" box. Her box.
  • Please ABC, never make us watch Nick eat powdered sugar again. Please.
  • Where can I buy some pink pig slippers?
  • Nick has officially earned the worst-group-dates-ever trophy.
  • Corinne has once again expanded her vocabulary. Intelligency. Use it in a sentence, y'all.
  • I wonder if Raven would be my friend.
  • Why would any man ever want to take a date (or dates) to a place where alligators dwell? Two words: deal. breaker.
  • Corinne got the rose? I guess he decided she was intelligency enough.
  • I guess you don't get a rose when you act like a bully normal human.
  • Exactly what types of butts don't belong in a swamp? Well, besides this one...




See you next week! Will it be the week nanny girl goes? Will she get the one-on-one? I say yes, and I say she doesn't get a rose. And I say I'm probably just wishful thinking. But if she stays another week, I may need to take up hooch shooters to get through it. Until next week, lovelies. Stay cool.

Oh, and if you haven't already hopped on THIS GUY'S latest single, just go on and download it. You won't be disappointed. Despite Jojo's lapse in judgement, I'd say he's done pretty good for himself.




Wednesday, January 25, 2017

I. HEART. RAVEN.

Two weeks in a row. Twice now I've procrastinated on my blog. I will move mountains to see that I don't make you wait like this again! But in all fairness, Michael Jordan procrastinated. Abraham Lincoln procrastinated. So why can't I procrastinate?

The drama continues, starting right now. Our host Chris Harrison amps us all up for what is to come after the whole bounce house episode. It was gross. Just gross.

Vanessa is ready to give the rose back. She is fed up with the little "business woman" from Miami. And so are the other girls. And so am I. Everyone is also disgusted by the "riding" incident, as Vanessa so eloquently put it, in the birthday party bounce house. And Jasmine is still obsessing over where Corinne is. Honey. You really don't know? She's napping. On a totally unrelated side topic, toddlers have to have plenty of sleep for proper brain development.

Sarah and Taylor aren't afraid to wake her from her slumber and tell her how she's coming off to the rest of the girls. Corinne was really receptive to constructive criticism and they gained a lot of ground. And by that I mean, why did they waste their time.

The girls re-styled their pool hair for the rose ceremony and Corinne fake laughed, ate a rose and desperately scratched at her eye boogers as they waited.




Roses go to:

Raven - Yeah girl
Taylor - It's about to get real
Whitney - Who?
Kristina
Jasmine
Alexis
Astrid
Danielle M. - There's probably only room for one at this point
Jaimi
Josephine
Sarah
Corinne

Time to say goodbye to Christen and Brittany. Christen just really wanted this to be it. Brittany. Cute, tiny little Brittany thinks she's never gonna find love. Oh, sweetie, you're about to have to change your number. Every man in America saw your tight bootay in those fig leaves.

And they're off. Time to travel. First stop: Waukesha, Wisconsin. Home of Nick Viall. Our Bachelor sits with his parents and talks and cries (again) over frappuccino in nondescript coffee cups. Dad tells him enough is enough with reality TV. After an awkward giggle at dad's lame joke, it's time for mister mushy pants to run to the park, pick a date, and paint the town red. Or with this group, paint the town denim.

Danielle L. gets chosen for the first one-on-one date. Nick pulls through for my fantasy bracket and tells of his $12 jump in the unnamed not-so-clean river. He explains about his romps in the library. I presume they were in the paleontology corner reading Ross Geller's doctoral dissertation.



And as if that weren't charming enough, he takes his date to the local sweet shop to buy her some creepy cookies made in his likeness (sortof). Then Danielle makes a Jesus cookie and Nick makes a Chris Harrison cookie. What happened after that, I shall not relive (monkey covering its eyes emoji - and I don't mean the googly eyes Nick made at the ex during the awkward encounter).

I'm really glad Nick clarified that he didn't take her to the "exact spot" because, in his words, "that would be weird." Yeah, whew. Glad it didn't get weird or anything. Talking about past grassy field encounters is never awkward.

But he recovered with a quaint little bar and some QT. The pleather couch, its bullets, and one plunging neckline were enough for my girl Danielle to earn a rose. They then head over to a concert from a dude I kinda sorta know. It was romantic-ish. Dancing in front of a group of people, half of which may or may not be there to see them. But fun, nonetheless.

Date card:  "Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, omg it's me, Corinne - say cheese." Dang it. My bracket.

The group lands on a dairy farm. Ok, I'm no genius but already this seems like the date that might break some of them. Some girls just can't handle the aroma of cow piles. For instance, Corinne. She'd rather be in a spa with Raquel while being fed a chicken taco. While she shows Nick a taco of a different hue.

But the other girls are seemingly becoming one with nature. Cow nature, that is. Rachel may not be feeling it, but Josephine brought her best Tori Spelling (BH 90210 days) vibe and is going with it. Corinne wishes Raquel was there to fondle the udders for her. I would like to have dinner with Raquel, feed her a couple of margaritas and see what she really thinks about the girl she nannies for. Jaimi doesn't need Raquel, though. She knows exactly what to do with those teets.

You might wanna screenshot this next statement because it'll most likely never come out of my mouth again. The poop scooping, I agree with Corinne. Nick! Why? Just WHY? I'm sorry, call me princess if you must, but no. Just h-e-double-hockey-sticks NO. I'm OUT on the poop scooping. Unless you want to see me vomit. And my closest pals could tell you that it would most definitely happen.

The girls finally get to trade in the "poopy" for a less smelly scene. And Corinne is finally free of her hand... wait for it... situation. Someone please enhance her vocabulary. Make her say a big word and use it in a sentence, please. And I must go on record and say that she is not immature. I repeat, she is NOT immature. I mean do you call THIS immature?



video


Well? Is it? What do you think, Chris Harrison?




Sarah takes one for the team and quizzes Corinne about the tough stuff. 

Sarah: Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man? I know you'll say I do but I wanna hear from you why you think that because right now I don't see that. I see a purple bouncy pink house and I don't see you meeting his maturity level. And I've tried to tell you, "we're gonna stay up this rose ceremony, we're not gonna go to sleep..." And I would love to hear from you.
Corinne: I know that you were really ticked about my nappy nap. I didn't mean to offend anyone by my situation. I'M SORRY. FOR SLEEPING. GUYS. I need my Zees.
Sarah: (eye roll)
Michelle: Shut your face hole.
Corinne: C'mon. MJ took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. Chuck E. Cheese takes naps. Peel back my corn layers and see how luxurious my pellets are. I'm a juicy corn on the cob. Nick needs corn in his life.
Sarah: Your mom takes naps.
Michelle: Your face takes naps.
Corinne: But yeah, age has nothing to do with it. I'm absolutely ready to go to city hall with Nick and find a jumpstus of the peas. Does that mean black eyed peas? I love Fergie.
Taylor: I don't think she was talking about age, she was talking about maturity.
Corinne: Age like the number sign? That's called a hashtag. GUYS! Like, duh.
Sarah: I just genuinely wanna know. Because I Iiterally stepped through cow bleep to be here.
Corinne: I would step in poopy too but I had a serious situation guys. I literally lost circulation in my fingers and almost had to go to the hospital. So gimme a break. Have sympathy on my hypothetical surgery and my pretend circulation problems. It's a real situation!
Michelle: You just used the word literally wrong.
All the girls: Why is she so dumb.
Corinne: Let's just move on. Nobody gets me. Except Raquel. She knows me. She knows exactly how I like my cheesy pasta and cucumber bites.

Rachel steals Nick away to share some slobbery conversation. The tiny (and slightly) Russian takes her turn quizzing poopy nanny girl. But Corinne wasn't having it because her "very serious medical condition" is just too much right now. She's ready to fight for a fiancĂ©, not a pickle. Those two are the same, so I understand the comparison. Despite acting the victim and playing hard-to-get, and especially having her first adult conversation, she doesn't get the rose. Kristina does. I predict a one-on-one for her next week.

Arkansas' own little country girl gets the final one-one-one in the land of the dairy. "Raven, let's kick it. Nick"

Nick takes her straight to the soccer fields to meet little sister Bella... and the parents! No pressure or anything. Raven is interested to know if he needed a lot of spankings as a child. I'm just gonna leave that right there. Next stop - skating rink. She's either a pro on roller skates or they only showed us one booty buster. Regardless, it was a sweet date. She got her some sugar on the rink. You go girl!

Off to the museum they go. Wowzers, that dress. Raven came to play. And she knows how to use a stiletto on a cheating doctor! Again, you go girl! Kinda hope that doctor gets his junk tangled up in a barbed wire fence. Thankfully he's history and now she has a new roller blade partner for life... or at least for now. I love her. Nick, if you hurt her, I'm gonna kick you right in your skinny jeans!

The ex must cry in his stupid doctor Cheerios when he sees this...




Rose ceremony time at some super dope bonfire situation. Yeah, it's a situation. Guess what, y'all. Corinne learned a new big word - attitudey. She also used it in a sentence.

Danielle steals him first which rubs Taylor the wrong way. But then again, what doesn't? So Taylor gets her revenge by interrupting their conversation after eavesdropping just long enough to make Nick so nervous he may or may not have unraveled his ankle socks. All while Corinne and Josephine scarf down chicken nuggets and discuss how gross Taylor is. Josephine tries to comfort Corinne and gently tells her to chew her food. Back off Josephine, you could never be Raquel.

The feud continues as the two at odds snuggle underneath a blanket by the super dope bonfire. Things were said. Things went over people's heads. Things were explained. Things still went over people's heads. Grammar rules were murdered. Multi-Million dollar companies were brought up by people who don't run them. But helloooo, Corinne used the word literally in its proper sense. So there's that.

If this show doesn't stop ending episodes before the rose ceremony, I'm going to literally stress-eat a bag of powdered donuts.

Next week. Screams? Cat fights? Yoga? Mud masks? ALLIGATORS?? I feel my adrenaline amping up already.

This week they leave us, once again, with the one I assume to be the funniest in the house. Yep, you got it. Birthday boobs, herself. She loves dolphins but is terrified of Nick Cage and aliens. Ha! Haha! Stop it, sister. It just keeps getting better. I wanna hang out.

Until next week, my lovelies!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Tell Me Why-ee

It's that time, Bachelor fans! Time for this week's romance, love and other such scandals. Ah yes, we pick up where we left off. The Liz drama. From nine months ago. Yeah, THAT. Nick had an attack of conscience (translation: he got caught) so he came clean with the women. Now the aftermath.

The ladies are all on edge. They discuss amongst each other their take on Nick's roll in the hay. They wonder why they ever rubbed elbows with the one who bumped uglies with their boyfriend. Vanessa anticipates the questions she will ask, as she sips her gin and tonic through a straw. Nick tells the rest of the girls the news, as if they don't already know. He explains that he decided he wants to focus on what's here, and the connections he is making with all of them. (You know... the ones he HASN'T hooked up with) He is an open book. It's show and tell and nobody participated. So he decides to individually question each woman about their feelings on his wedding conquest. Lauren discusses with the girls that she can't handle sloppy seconds, but only if it's before the fantasy suite, then I guess seconds are okay. Corinne decides that she has something different to offer. She is more than just bad blonde extensions. She has, you know, the 'it' factor. Since it's the only thing she knows how to do without Raquel, she strips down to nothing except a trench coat. She gives herself a pep talk in the mirror. She takes her bestie (i.e. rose) and leads Nick outside to show him how creative she can get with aerosol cream in a can. She chickens out on her Katy Perry California Gurls bit and attempts the beginnings of a Varsity Blues bikini but no amount of areola and Reddi-Wip could get him horizontal on the big red pet pillow.

For your viewing pleasure. The 3:20 mark.




After that colossal fail, Corinne cries off her mascara, tries to shake off her buzz and analyzes the repercussions of Nick's whipped cream rejection. She can't take it. She throws in the trench coat and hits the bottom bunk.

Nick enters the parlor dressed in a tie that was most likely left there by Brittney's nana on Ben F.'s season.

Rose recipients:
Astrid
Taylor - still waiting on her to punch Corinne
Whitney
Kristina
Danielle
Rachel
Vanessa
Raven
Jaimi
Dominique - Has she been here the whole time?
Sarah
Alexis - Move *@#-!, get out'tha way
Brittany
Josephine
Jasmine

We say Au Revoir to:
Lauren
Lacey
Haliey... and her bra, Phoebe Buffay style




Another week in the house is upon us. Corinne begins well rested. Dominique sports her Hit Me Baby One More Time socks. Cute little Raven goes with Laura Ingalls hair today. Chris lays the date card down and proceeds walking backward as he says his goodbyes then quickly does a duck and cover before IT happens.

Cue climactic music.

"Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne... Everybody!"

Cue libido-rockin' music.

Girls jump out of their skin. Girls scream. Girls hop in place. Girls revert to their middle school selves (or kindergarten, whichever) and I'm pretty sure we witnessed three panic attacks, two seizures and six episodes of incontinence. Backstreet's back alright.

Thank goodness I made some last minute changes to my fantasy pick today! Oh wait, I still missed that one.

Now that they've somewhat contained their hormones long enough to hop in the limo, they arrive at their destination to start practicing to be a backup dancer for the BSB as they prepare for their upcoming stint in sin city. The ladies walk in to see Nick practicing some sweet moves in a tank top.



Nick worries about the wandering eyes of his pack of concubines and is quick to let them know that each member of the aging boy band is happily married. Psst, Nick, I don't think Corinne cares about other women. She also doesn't care about practicing. It's probably that debilitating short term memory. It causes one to become a titbag.

Time to rock your body, everybody, for the iHeart Radio watchers out there. After some rather hard to watch backup dancing, Danielle earns the serenade. She uses her time wisely and lip locks Nick because he is her fire. Her one desire. She wants it that way. Meanwhile, during that uncomfortable slow dance with sweet Danielle, Corinne watches from the shadows as she dream shanks Danielle. Y'all, have pity on poor nanny girl. After all, "this was the worst day IN her life." Say it with me, Raven - bless her heart. The dancer planners made her so nervous she couldn't do the planned dancing. Stupid short term memory. It's one of those situations where there's a situation.

At the cocktail party, Corinne issues an apology for her excessive day drinking and subsequent absence at the last rose ceremony. Oddly enough, she didn't apologize for that dress, but whatevs. At least Corinne made Corinne great again (in third person), even though she's soooo exhaaauuuusssssted. Danielle informs her boyfriend she could totally fall in love with him. Please do, girl. Please do. But also please give him pointers on where to put his hand. Say it with me again, Raven - bless his heart. His hand nervously flapped about until it finally landed somewhere between her shoulder and her occipital bone. In all fairness, he probably got distracted because he overheard Corinne in the other room talking about yet another nip slip. It happens. Especially when Raquel isn't around to apply double-sided tape. Or make her some Kraft mac-n-cheese... wait, I mean cheese pasta.




Date card! "Vanessa... You Make Me Feel Like I'm Floating." Dang it, another bracket question fail.

Nick suits up for his best Maverick impression as he awaits his little French-speaking date. Bonjour. Today they get to do something that, Nick says, is LITERALLY a once in a lifetime opportunity. Zero gravity time, y'all. Grab your yellow socks and your Kaopectate and pull up a chair. Vanessa's hair did some really cool tricks. They had a weird sideways makeup sesh. She blew chunks. They kissed. Yeah, you heard me right. Even with zero gravity puke floating around inside the white bag, he kissed her. On the mouth. Look away, Michelle, just look away. At least she had a couple of sticks of Big Red tucked away in her yellow sock. And thanks to the ralphing, my bracket is officially in the crapper.

Later he takes her to the tallest building in LA. After swilling four too many glasses of scotch, Nick cries some drunk man tears, slurs a couple of words, and gives her the rose she'd forgotten about. He feels lucky. He wants to ask for her number but he's a little gun shy after what happened last time he did that. So he just wipes his tears and hopes she has brushed her teeth by now.

Group date #2. "Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique... I'm done playing the field."

As the girls arrive at the track, they see their boyfriend doing a little cardio in, you guessed it, another tank top. They're all decked out in their most supportive athletic-wear. Except Astrid. Poor jiggly Astrid. Those things required their own zip code during this group date.

Three Olympians arrive and Rachel KNEW who they were. She knew it already! I'm telling you, she knew. The three events in the Nick-athalon are the long jump, the high jump onto Nick's face, and the javelin throw. Dominique should have received at least a couple of points for stamina, as she was able to maintain the same resting you-know-what face the entire day. Three were chosen to participate in the dash for the hot tub as Nick stands beside it waiting in some, let's just say, "unflattering" shorts.



Rachel, dolphin knockers and Astrid race down the track. Astrid blacks her own eyes. Rachel's butterfingers knock the ring off of the table. It was smashed and recovered by jiggles. She kicks her tennies off and plops into the hot tub.

The evening portion of the date begins and Dominique continues battling chronic RBF while stewing in her own pity party. How can someone so beautiful be so insecure. Dolphin wants to make out on Nick's Fathead. Jaimi assures Nick she isn't the weird lesbian. (her words, not mine) Rachel makes out while Dominique lurks in the shadows working up the nerve to curse and gripe at Nick and get herself sent home. Bachelor 101 - Don't complain about time you haven't spent together, find time TO spend together.

Rachel gets the rose. My TV cuts to the Fifty Shades Darker trailer.

As I try to refocus and the girls have their coffee, we're all getting amped up for the cocktail party. But instead, trade the evening gowns for bikinis. Still the same amount of makeup, jewelry and hair product. Just less clothing. I'm waiting on the blur box to follow Jasmine around. Well once they finish in the bouncy house, that is.

Raven informs Nick about Raquel, and about Corinne's lack of spoon-cleaning knowledge. The other girls follow suit. These girls just thought they had a problem with Liz... nanny girl and her power naps and bounce houses are proving to be too much to take. Especially for Vanessa. She asked the tough question that everyone's thinking. I'd repeat it but it makes me blush.

And once again, we're cut off before roses are handed out. Next week, the tension mounts. The girls have had it. Taylor has had it. Corinne reminds everyone she has a multi-million dollar company, which we have yet to know the name of. She'd tell us but her short term memory. Remember? It's that one place that does that thing that makes those doomabobbers.

Josephine sings a sales pitch in the last scene. Birds squawk. Squirrels take their nuts and run. Crazy-eyed cats hide behind boulders. I begin to miss the days of book wieners. Au revoir, readers. Until next time.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Situations About Situations

Week two, friends. I was hoping for a better fantasy bracket week. Sadly, once again I only got 5 out of 7 questions correct. But then again, I don't read Reality What's His Face. And there are many others who don't. So please keep this space free of spoilers if you comment. :)

Before the show, we catch glimpses of the train wreck that is Corinne, and the other catastrophe Liz. We find out that Rachel isn't quite sure what a first impression is. But on the bright side, she's optimistic enough to think she can keep making them.

As the girls wait patiently, sipping mimosas, our handsome host makes his only appearance of the show, carrying the first date card and wearing what could be the only denim shirt a man can pull off. Let's talk about this week. There'll be three dates:  2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. Thank you, Josephine, for bouncing off of the couch in your partial black top to read the first date card. "Corrine, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine (minus Neil Lane), Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W., Always a bridesmaid dot dot dot. Love, Nick"

Ooooh, what does this date card mean? Never being a bride? Extra small bottoms from the Garden of Eden? A Pamela Anderson wedding bikini, circa Kid Rock era? A creepy photographer dressed like a flea market Picasso? Yeah yeah, he's kindof a big deal in certain circles. Just not mine.

All of the wedding dresses, all of the themes, all of the skin. All of Corinne's number ones. But, as she so eloquently stated, it's better than being number two...or going number two. Her words, not mine. Although I think she's full of number two. But that's beside the point. Moving on.

Sarah shows us how sexy it is to get married in Vegas. Yes, I still love her. And forgive me but I think I love dolphin girl. I mean she went from having fins and gills to giving birth to Joe Dirt's baby, all in one week. And she did it with a smile on her face. Could someone please give Lacey a trophy for being a good sport? Seriously. And Taylor... well, I'll admit she doesn't quite look so Ronda Rousey in that wedding dress. But I still think she could punch someone. Perhaps it should be the person in charge of Nick's fig leaves. Or Corinne. But why bother because Corinne has a real connection. It's been there from the beginning. It's real. Raquel told her so. Plus, he held her bare bosoms. Like, he held her BOOBS, y'all. Okayyyy? That's real love. Those feelings are only gonna get stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger.

Back at the mansion, Liz has that stupid 9-months-ago grin and is clearly dying to let her dirty little secret out. Maybe she and Corinne can bond over who has the bigger handful later. My money's on Liz, though.

After a long day of drinking, they hit a rooftop for more drinking. And more kissing. Except Raven. Well, and Taylor's eyeballs. Thanks for keepin' it classy, girls. And thanks for refraining from mayyyyybeeee letting a nip hang out during conversation. So after some group discussion and reflection, the girls decide that Corinne is too aggressive and disrespectful. After some gagging and eye rolling, I concur. And I'm glad I got to witness this conversation:

Corinne: Sorry, no hard feelings. Just had a situation we're in.
Taylor: MmmHmm. (Bless your heart knee tap)
Corinne: Do you have a problem with any thith? Bartender, bring me another double!
Taylor: I don't know what you're talking about. Do you mean when you came in...
Corinne: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bartender, where's that shot? And have I told you about my daddy issues?
Taylor: I'm very happy with my time. Did you smoke Nick's banana hammock leaves?
Corinne: Good. Good. And then you re-came-in to reinterrupt?
Taylor: Those aren't real words. And I'm happy with my time.
Corinne: No. Good. Ok. Good. Ok. As long as there'zhhh no situation about the situation in the situation we're gooood. Right now my hair won't even stay tucked behind my ears so there's a whole other situation and another situation. Anyway, we're ok.
Taylor: I thiiiiink I'm ok. But I think you need to go suckle at the teet of your nanny and re-evaluate your life.
Corinne: Are you ssssure you're ok because you seem a littttlelell hesitantnt about being ok, and why aren't you saying more words. Sorry if I spit on you.
Taylor: I'm ok. What is happening right now?
Corinne: Ok good. Great. Good. Great. It's gonna get weird around here. Girls, I mean it. It's gonna be uncomfortable. But you just have to accept we're all here for onnnnne reason. To watch me throw myself at Neil, I mean Nate, I mean Nick. Good. Yeah. That's what I meant. I'm hammered. But it's all good. It's great. The situation is great about the situation. Bartenderrrr!
Michelle: Braid your ratty extensions, put your nips away and zip it before you lose what little dignity you have left.

If I were a hashtagger, I'd probably hashtag the words classless and trashy.

I want to shove the thorns from that date rose underneath the toenails of whatever producer made Nick give it to drunk nanny girl. Maybe they just wanted to hear her say "absoluly."

How the day began:




How I picture the night ending:




Solo date card time. Danielle M.'s relationship is about to take off. And Liz is really happy for her. Really. She is. Danielle gets the cliche Bachelor date transportation. Redundant. But you guys. That yacht. That hot tub. That cheese. It's all just so perfect. After some good dinner, good wine, good conversation, a few tears (ok, maybe they were mine) and a ferris wheel ride on the pier, she goes home with the rose. I approve.

Back at the house, Liz corners Christen and exposes her scandalous romp with our boy Nick. You know the one. It was nine months ago, incase you missed that. Three wardrobe changes, six hairstyles and 127 different camera angles later, Christen is still mindlessly staring into Liz's eyes thinking about her next outfit while Liz continues to babble on about the one night stand NINE. MONTHS. AGO. The only person that needs to hear that story is Corinne.

Group date number two: "Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz, We need to talk dot dot dot"
Liz: Yeah we do. We gotta talk. Have you been to the health department lately? You probably should.

As the girls prepare for their date, Kristina's slightly Russian accent fades in and out. Josephine left most of her top at home but at least Astrid isn't afraid to fondle her but-tocks. You'd think that would've been the most awkward moment of the date, but no. Here are a few others.

Michelle's top ten most awkward group date moments:

10. The broken heart museum, or whatever the crap that place was.
9. Kristina picking up the rolling performance ring.
8. The oral (giggles) health breakup
7. Either Jaimi's abrupt outing of herself to Nick or the fact that she used the term "no shame in my game"to reference it
6. The broken rose
5. Nick's faded denim pearl snap
4. Nick's extra small black camo... whatever that was
3. Josephine's slap, and her bad extensions (does she share with Corinne?)
2. Liz's "breakup" that only Christen understood
1. Christen's seizure-like reaction to #2, simultaneously causing her cleavage to spread.

And those are just the moments BEFORE it got weird. Liz grins like Ree Drummond no matter if she's talking or not talking, getting fake dumped or real dumped, crying or not crying, wearing jorts or a hideous romper. The constant grin is just awkward. It's part of the reason I can't watch The Pioneer Woman without politely asking (sometimes out loud) her to rest her face.

And as the most annoying endings go, we are left without a rose ceremony. Whose idea was this? Who do I need to call? Who does Josephine need to slap?

Will the following tough questions be answered next week:

  • Will Corinne get a taste of who's actually irrelevant?
  • Will Jasmine return that bikini to the Build-A-Bear Workshop?
  • Do any of the girls own bikini bottoms that don't require a blur box?
  • Is he looking for a wife, or... well... what Vanessa said?

We will absoluly get our answers.

Until next week, lovely readers. And happy birthday, dolphin knockers.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

First things first - and no I'm not the realist - why would anyone, and I mean ANYONE, wear a costume as a first impression. I've never really bought into the whole using some sort of silly schtick to make a first impression. I mean, you only get one chance at that. Do you really wanna be known for wearing a unicorn head? Or a wedding dress? Or for being the grandma girl? Or the backflip fail girl? Or the baby bump girl? C'mon ladies.

Ok, I feel better and can now move on. Get ready for a season unlike anything ever, and with the most controversial bachelor ever. Thanks, Chris Harrison, for piquing our interest. Because that's not anything we hear every season or anything.

This has been quite a journey with ole Nick. When I see the flashbacks of him on Andi's season, I remember how much I did like him... at least for most of the season anyway. Then seeing Kaitlyn's clip, my hatred for him came screaming back. Not only did he LOOK like a DB back then, he also acted like one. Ah, then came Bachelor in Paradise. The part of the journey that at least somewhat reeled me back in. Ok, I may not have entirely admitted it then, but yeah I grew to like him again. And his new look. The facial hair is working for ya, Nick. And I mean, I guess the muscles are - just okayyyy.

In keeping with tradition, our newest bachelor gets advice from previous ones, sooo it's good to see familiar faces. Nice to see ya, flesh-colored eyebrows. You too, lipless farmer. And oh the joys of another dose of the wonderful Ben. Still mad at'cha for not choosing Jojo but I think she did ok for herself.


This season we have a pretty beautiful crop of women!



I always wonder how they pick who gets an intro package. It's not always the ones I wanna see but nobody asked me soooo.

Rachel from Dallas is pretty and successful and has a nice place and seems sweet. So why can't I get past the forehead. I know, I know. Stop talking like that. But I do think she's pretty and I'm sure she's a good person.

Danielle L., I fell in love with her while I was looking over the pictures and interview questions. And seeing her pretty little nail shop, yep. Confirmation.

Vanessa is a special needs teacher who speaks languages... plural. So it's hard not to at least give her a chance!

Oh Josephine. Sweet little cat-imitating, seal-conversating, honker-having vixen. Let us see what you have to offer.

Raven the Razorback. Representing my home state of Arkansas! I like her sense of style, and now I wanna visit her boutique. I admit, I Googled and Facebooked her and her store last week when I was checking out the contestants. In a small area, forget 6 degrees of separation, it's more like 2 degrees... or less. I love her intro package, but it leaves me with a burning desire to discuss 90s hair and untamed curls. *insert grimace emoji* But go Raven!

Corinne from Miami. She's 24 and has a nanny? Not for a child. For herself. No. Just NO. Please call Raquel a personal assistant. Sounds so much less... err, um, pathetic. She "runs" a multi-million dollar business. My guess is that's code for answers phones and files papers. As it was decided during our watch party, she's probably a trust fund baby.

Alexis the ungraceful, and self-proclaimed, weirdo who is obsessed with dolphins. Bless.

Danielle the neonatal ICU nurse. That alone is enough for brownie points from the aunt of twins born prematurely. Neonatal nurses are such special people. And I absolutely love Nashville. So for now I'm going to overlook the giggle.

Taylor the throat puncher. Ok, I don't know that for sure, but like I said before, she scares me a little. And I'm pretty sure in one sentence she stereotyped two separate demographics of women as racist. Honey, bye.

Liz the baby maker. Ok, well she doesn't MAKE them but she performs the next major part. And remember from my previous post? She picks her nose in the car, and the thing she stated as not wanting to have to do is "kill someone." Plus now we find out she had a one nighter with him 9 months ago? Unless you're about to give birth, I don't care what you did 9 months ago.

Time for limos - where stuff gets real.

Danielle L.
27, Small Business Owner
Los Angeles, CA
Seriously, Danielle. Why must you be so gorgeous. And Nick, her eyes are up here, bro.


Elizabeth
24, Marketing Manager
Dallas, TX
I like her little Texas aaax-eeeyunt. But let's not forget she's annoyed by noises. Seems sweet enough, though. And her dress was perfect until it got down about halfway. Right about where the raccoon got ahold of it and unraveled every inch of lace and thread.


Rachel
31, Attorney
Dallas, TX
She set up fantasy picks before she left? Wonder how much she picked herself for.


Christen
25, Wedding Videographer
Tulsa, OK
Yo. Scarlett O'Hara. Curious George's friend called, his wife needs her dress back. And her hairspray.


Taylor
23, Mental Health Counselor
Seattle, WA
Welllll. Glad I'm not one of her friends right now. Yikes.


Kristina
24, Dental Hygienist
Lexington, KY
I guess they didn't want us to see much of her interview. She was an early pick for me but I'm gonna have to see more than this little clip.


Angela
26, Model
Greenville, SC
Oh yeah, the "model". Wow her dress. Wow. But did she really say she wouldn't be there if it weren't him? Yeah, right. She'd be there if it were Peter Griffin. Stop it, lip gloss. Just stop.


Lauren
30, Law School Graduate
Naples, FL
This is the girl that I found boring. Except for her last name, I mean. But wow she's really pretty and has a great dress. But if I were here, I MIIIIIGHT have left out the "disgusting-slut" name union. Oh well. Different strokes.


Michelle
24, Food Truck Owner
Los Angeles, CA
She's a pretty thing. We'll see what lemonade she has to offer.


Dominique
25, Restaurant Server
Los Angeles, CA
Why do people keep saying "fourth time's a charm"? That's not even a thing!


Ida Marie
23, Sales Manager
Harlingen, TX
I was really hoping to love this girl. And I haven't given up. But I think a trust fall is too much for an introduction. And who stole the bottom 8 inches of her dress? I think I'll rename her Ida Mae. It just sounds better.


Olivia
25, Apparel Sales Representative
Anchorage, AK
I get that she's from Alaska, but we're in LA. Pretty sure we could've left the Eskimo outerwear at home.


Sarah
26, Grade School Teacher
Newport Beach, CA
Ok this is one I want to love. I think she's just so...lots of things. But I'm a little mad at her for her Flo Jo entrance. I like her still, though.


Jasmine G.
29, Pro Basketball Dancer
San Francisco, CA
Umm. He's done this "a million times"? Ouch. And she brought Neil? Yikes.


Hailey
23, Photographer
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
What did she just say? The underwear thing? Never mind. I don't wanna know. Especially since his response was to say he's very excited.


Astrid
26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
Tamp, FL
Look it's little asteroid. Wait. Why do I keep doing that? ASTRID!  But hey, at least her ladies are real. Thanks for sharing that, little orbiting rock.


Elizabeth, "Liz"
29, Doula
Las Vegas, NV
Oh great. This girl again. Seriously, why did they let easy girl on the show. And it's hilarious he acted like he couldn't place her immediately. Sorry bout'cha, one nighter.


Corinne
24, Business Owner
Miami, FL
Hi my name's Corinne and my nanny is waiting in the limo with another token for later.


Vanessa
29, Special Education Teacher
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Ahhh the dress. A topic of conversation at my watch party. It really just won't stop spinning.


Danielle M.
31, Neonatal Nurse
Nashville, TN
Did she really just finger feed him maple syrup? Careful, Nick, she might have taken lessons from Liz the nose picker.


Raven
25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Hoxie, AR
Our little Arkansas girl. What a great dress! And her hair and makeup? ON. POINT. Sooie, y'all.


Jaimi
28, Chef
New Orleans, LA
Finally! A short dress! But all the talk of balls. Please! Make. It. Stop.


Briana
28, Surgical Unit Nurse
Salt Lake City, UT
Why does she have creepy eyes? Not in a normal facial expression. But that other thing she did. Almost as creepy as Sean's eyebrows.


Susannah
26, Account Manager
San Diego, CA
WHY would you give someone a beard massage the minute you meet him? Or ever for that matter, but who am I to judge. My husband also has a beard. Which I don't particularly feel tempted to massage.


Josephine
24, Registered Nurse
Santa Cruz, CA
We definitely have no shortage of nurses. You know, incase anyone decides to undergo rhinoplasty in the mansion. Or gets a wiener stuck in a book. Hey, it happens.


Brittany
26, Travel Nurse
Santa Monica, CA
Little Brittany. The lover of chocolate and music. Kiiinda wish she'd have left the latex glove in the limo but oh well.


Jasmine B.
25, Flight Attendant
Tacoma, WA
It's Jasmine. You knoww. Like the flower. Get it?


Whitney
25, Pilates Instructor
Chanhassen, MN
What's in her hand? A snot rag? A tater tot? The bite of weiner Nick spit in the bushes when nobody was looking?


Lacey
25, Digital Marketing Manager
Manhattan, NY
A camel? Do my eyes deceive me? And did she say something about a hump? Twice? At least her camel has good toes.


Alexis
23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Secaucus, NJ
Whyyyy? Just why? And if you're a dolphin lover, why would wear a shark costume? Oh, it's not a shark, you say? It's a dolphin? Ohhhh no, sweetie, it's dolphinately a shark. I'm gonna pretend she lost a bet. But I AM gonna need her to stop with the dolphin noises.


Whew. That was a tedious 30 introductions. Finally our cutie pie makes his way into the living room. Let me tell ya, Liz just needs to put her starry eyes back in the puma cage. You already had your turn, honey. And one night was enough. So stop. Go on back to Vegas and continue NOT killing people. Also, how does he look across a sea of beauties and keep a straight face with Jaws in the mix?

I think his sit-down with Rachel was sweet, but again, I'm so distracted by... well, you know. He seems to like her, though. So whatever. Next he moves on to banana boobs. Careful, girlfriend, that ballroom dip might make the coconuts fall out. But he's not near as interested in those as he is in the "killer dress" Danielle L. has on. Again, pretty boy, her eyes are up here.

Out comes the first impression rose. Looming as it does. Wait a minute. Who's heart is where? I may never know the answer to that but at least now I know Raquel is waiting in the wings somewhere with tokens to use for... well, whatever his heart desires. He talks to meditation dress Vanessa and finds out she actually WANTED it to be him. Ok, like she'd really say, "dang, I hoped it'd be Luke."

Oh lort. Here comes Corinne. And in a not-so-surprising twist, she put those big ol' lips all over Nick. I'm over her already. Her vibe is wearing me out. Dial it down a notch, Heidi Fleiss.

Awkward moment of the night: Jasmine G. striking out when she tries to take him from Ida Mae. How much has that dancer had to drink. Suck it up buttercup, stop crying.

Meanwhile, Alexis tries to reassure the girls once and for all that she is dolphinately NOT a shark. (Except that she is.) And I'm pretty sure she's taken a few laps around the tequila tank. It's Bachelor 101. Do NOT get drunk on the first night.

And Raven's personality gets cuter and cuter every time it shows her. 

But on to Liz. And the other awkward moment. Oopsie, girlfriend - that convo didn't go as planned, now did it. Thanks, Nick, for calling her out. Seriously. Girl. Bye.

Did Corinne really say she thought a perfect stranger "felt irrelevant"? Alright so you don't know this girl or this bachelor but you think another girl there is irrelevant. Check your ego, trust fund nanny girl. Maybe you're the one who's irrelevant.

First impression rose goes to Rachel. Gotta say, caught me off guard. But hey, she's nice.

Roses go to:

Vanessa - Buy a different dress, please. And don't say you don't like flowers again.

Danielle L. - Will those accept this rose? I mean you! Will YOU accept this rose?

Christen - Somebody hide the hairspray.

Asteroid - I have nothing.

Corinne - Gross. Just gross.

Elizabeth W. - Fix your dress, sweetie.

Jasmine G. - Hmm.

Raven - Go Hogs!

Kristina - STOP. CRYING. She fell down my list!

Danielle M. - Ok good.

Sarah - Yayy.

Just say Josephine - Who nose why he picked her.

Lacey - He likes her camel toes. I mean her camel's toe.

Taylor - Don't hit me.

Alexis - I'm dolphinately ready to see her regular clothes.

Hailey - Ok, will you stop whining already!

Whitney - Need to see some personality soon.

Dominique - Who?

Jaimi - Guess he liked her balls.

Brittany - Excited about getting to know this one. As long as she doesn't ask him to bend over anymore.

Liz - Of course she gets a rose! The producers strike again.

And we say goodbye to:

Olivia - Don't forget your chinchilla.
Angela - Sashay your way on back to the Carolinas.
Lauren - The name thing did her in. But goodness her dress is stunning, even more so in the morning light.
Creepy eyes Briana - Stop crying.
Ida Marie - Guess I better adjust my final four.
Jasmine B. - Was she napping the whole night?
Michelle - Guess it's back to lemons for her.
Susannah - Seriously, where was she all night?

Until next week, lovely readers! Corinne's antics will have me jumping through the TV at her. And va-jeen? Did she just say that? I can't feel my face right now. I'll just leave it right there. And this picture, I give you. A real picture. Taken by me. Of my TV screen. You're welcome.