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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Episode 3, The Bee’s Knees


So Emily’s Mom still, at least on occasion, brings her breakfast in bed. What a beautiful thing...until syrup gets spilled on the sheets.
The guys gather in the courtyard with sleepy eyes to hear Harrison explain the three dates that will take place this week. One group date. Two individual dates. Date card # 1: Chris, Love is a steady climb. Way to go, Gerard! Unless they will be climbing monkey bars.
What girl in this universe could rock a sleeveless motorcycle screen-printed tee and make it look good? Emily Maynard. That’s who. And not surprisingly, she reminds him how cute she thinks he is. His libido is tickled as he watches her get strapped into a harness. Simmer down, Gerard. Wrong type of harness. As they scale the wall - thunder and lighting permeating the sky - Chris imagines the kiss he would like to share when they reach the top. Nevermind the threatening weather. It was all over once he saw her in that harness. He chickened out, though. No kiss on the rooftop. Just like a gentleman.
While exchanging pleasantries and discussing who would hit on who in a bar, Ems realizes he is 25. Oddly, she is taken aback by this. It’s a mystery to me though, considering she is only 26. But we’ll see what happens.
Back at the house, Tony talks to his little boy on the phone. I assume this is supposed to set the stage for the emotional clip we saw in last week’s previews. Jef reads the group date card: Charlie, Alejandro, Pauly D, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John the Wolf, Michael and his hair, Doug, Jef the cutie, Tony, Travis (no egg, please). Let’s play.
Resuming the date with Gerard Butler, he explains his level of maturity as Ems sits and pictures him in a Speedo. Never in my life have I seen the likes of such puppy love. He is so obviously saying all the right things and she is hanging on his every word. Chris and his pretty white teeth and sexy facial hair. This guy is soooo going far in this journey. So THEN they head off to a country music concert. Oh but not to see just any singer, my friends. To see Luke Bryan. Oh dear mother of all beautiful men. That’s just not fair to Chris. Although Ems doesn’t seem to be near as distracted by this country crooner as I would be. Luke, you make my speakers go boom boom. Chris finally gets his long-awaited kiss at the end of the song, but strangely enough, he asks her for the kiss instead of just laying it on her. Chivalry or nerdiness? You tell me. Either way, they’re definitely high on summertime in that moment, so Chris leans in for one more less-than-passionate peck.
The guys show up in the park for their group date. Ems is standing there holding a football, which is a total turn-on for this group of testosterone-riddled hound dogs. Right about now, Alessandro must be really happy that he wore that green and white striped shirt. After all, what says I Love You more than matching tops. Just when you think an exciting game of pigskin is gonna get fired up, Ems walks off. Her pals are waiting across the way. Ems asks them to grill the guys to help assess their worthiness. Conversations seem to be going well. Travis had the nerve to bring along his lame egg for this date. But even more inappropriate than that, is the question asked by her judgmental blonde friend, “did you fertilize it?” Jeez, I’m pretty sure Ems needs to loan this gal pal some couth. I did adore the funny clips of the dancing, the worming, the push ups...oh these guys have a fun side and I love it! The friends seemed to really like Sean in spite of his creepy flesh-colored eyebrows. The inappropriate friend looks him up and down and asks him if he works out. Then she tells him he’d look good in a cape and spandex. And the kicker - she asks him to take his shirt off. Oh c’mon lady. I’m guessing she is experiencing some serious sexual frustration! Someone call her husband and tell him to spice it up! I couldn’t even believe my eyes and ears. She’s the ridiculous friend.
After that awkwardness finally ended, the guys are put to the true test. How do they interact with children. Some of them...very well. Some of them...fish out of water. Doug missed his calling. I’m pretty sure he’d make a stellar elementary teacher. And Jef. How about this guy! Only someone who is a kid at heart would slide down a slide backward. He’s delicious.
Ryan decided to venture away from the madness to talk to Ems. As he walks up to steal her away, the frustrated cougar interjects by letting him know how good he looks. But somehow I get the feeling he wasn’t offended by her inappropriate observations as he looked her up and down...as well as the other friends. My gut is starting to quiver with this guy. I’m not sure why, but I sense a certain amount of shady behavior. He seems to dig down deep from within to find just the right lines to compliment and impress. The mark of a womanizer. He did say he likes the chase. He probably grows bored quickly once he catches. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe not. And who does he think he is, telling her she can’t gain weight and still expect him to “love on her.” Ugh. Jerk.
Night falls on this group date. Once again, Ems gets all dressed up in a stunning outfit. And once again, she starts the rapid fire of probing questions. First Sean, then Doug. As Doug tells his heart-warming story of his difficult childhood, Ems cries and I develop a little crush on this guy. At first I questioned his sincerity. Question no more, though. He’s the real deal.
At the house, the final date card awaits. Kalon thinks he deserves a really over-the-top date. Goodness knows, his rear is too good for a normal date. Luckily the date card goes to Arie... Love is a wild ride.
Tony sits with Ems and talks about his son and how bad he misses him. He gets emotional. Needless to say, she understands and comforts him. Doug tries to comfort him, as well. It is increasingly apparent that Tony is a great Dad. This slightly negates all of the corny Prince Charming stuff from night one. What has two thumbs and admires Tony? This girl. Every kid should have a Dad that loves them as much as Tony loves little Taylor. Ems sees it too. She sends him home to be with his baby. His eyes almost lit up when she told him he was going home. Just goes to show what a great Dad he is. Kudos to you, Steve Carell!
Time to hand out the rose. Sean gets it. Maybe she’ll get to see those bare torso push-ups.
Emily arrives to pick Arie up. Lookin’ cute as always in her jorts and striped tee, but for the first time she commits a fashion faux pas. My opinion doesn’t mean a lot, but I am NOT digging the boots with that outfit. But whatever, she’s still gorg. They head to Dollywood. He appears to find this place charming. This date feels so natural. They ride a couple of rides and go to a stage to write a song. Just then they are surprised by Dolly herself. To say Ems was starstruck is quite the understatement! A sweet song dedicated to them. A sweeter song dedicated to love. A slow dance on a stage with “Dolly freakin’ Parton.” This date is already a success.
Time for Emily’s inquisition. I’m pretty sure Arie’s answers doth please my lady. He turns the inquisition around. This might be the first time a guy has questioned her like that. That whole conversation turned out to be a very nice one. When Emily started her rose speech and threw in that “but” I seriously wanted to jump through the TV and choke her. Then it seemed to be a joke, so I calmed down. Thankfully she was indeed messing with him. Otherwise we wouldn’t have witnessed their ever so romantic moment on the carousel. Whoa. What a kiss. She is already intensely smitten with sweet Arie, as I suspect 90% of the women watching are. He just made a quick trip to my top 3! Yes, this guy IS the bee’s knees!
The cocktail party begins with Ems pulling Kalon aside to chat. That conversation went something like this:

Kalon: Thanks to you, blondie, I had the week off so I had time to polish my glasses.
Emily: Wow Kalon. I’m impressed with your marbles.
Kalon: I appreciate the compliment but I’m trying to tell you that I took it personally that you didn’t give me a date. NOW how you like these marbles?!
Emily: Well I’m a lady so I choose not to respond.
Kalon: It is devastating that for the first time in my miserable spoiled rotten existence, the world doesn’t revolve around me. I don’t even have the word share in my extensive vocabulary. But I do know what dolichocephalic means! How about you? Do ya know? Huh? Huh?
Emily: Wow, Kalon. I don’t know what to say to that. Do you also know what ostentatious means?
Kalon: Do I? I hear that word on a regular basis, you simpleton. Wait. Anyway, you definitely have class and I’m so happy you graciously sent Tony packing. He was no match for me anyway.
Emily: Ok ok ok. Moving on. How do you feel about children?
Kalon: Well I wanted my first born to share my impeccable DNA, but I guess we could always lock little Ricki in the attic and populate the world with my clones.
Emily: Ummmmm. Well what if your Mom married a good guy and....
Kalon: SHUSH woman! I like to hear you talk but I like to her myself talk WAYYY more!
Emily’s thought bubble: *Jackass*
Kalon: I’m used to being in control. I like things my way, because my way is always the best way.
Emily: Hmm, you don’t say.
Kalon: Have I made myself clear?
Emily: Painfully. Now go wrangle your brass marbles and pack your bags, windbag.
Kalon: Don’t you mean Louis Vuitton bags. And I’m not going anywhere. I don’t accept rejection. Besides, I have a helicoper so na-na-na-boo-boo.
After that excruciating chat, she goes to the front porch with Travis and his egg. Ems gets the satisfaction of smashing the egg. May Shelly rest in peace.
Alessandro sits on the swing with Ems. That did not go well. At all. While watching I felt our “grain merchant” was about to be sent back to the fields of South America to tend to his crop. Maybe Kalon will give him a lift in his chopper. But wait. No need to wait for that. Alessandro gets the boot before the rose ceremony even begins. Good riddance, 30 year old gypsy, i.e. frat boy.
Ems was understandably upset. Arie to the rescue. He consoles her with some soft smooches. She goes to sit down with Sean and his flesh-colored brows. He said all the right things, and scores some sugar, as well. I don’t dislike him, and he definitely seems like a nice guy. But for whatever reason, he isn’t at the top of my list.
Time for the rose ceremony. We already lost Tony and Alessandro, so only one other person goes home. Logic says it’ll be Kalon. I sure hope it’s Kalon. But ABC is all about the ratings every season, and sometimes keeps a crazy around to spice up the house. We’ll soon find out.
And the roses go to...
Jef - Sweet, adorable, great-haired, kid-friendly Jef.
Charlie - He’s a keeper for sure.
Doug - Was there ever a doubt.
Michael - Icky.
Travis - Well she’d better keep him after killing Shelly.
Alejandro - She prefers mushrooms over grain.
Ryan - Time will tell if my instincts are right.
Wolllfffff - He might turn out to be ok. I said might.
Kalon - RATINGS. RATINGS. RATINGS. Gross! My contempt grows.
Nate - I need to see more of this dashing stranger.
And Pauly D goes back to Snooki. Looks like his mean dance moves weren’t enough for this bachelorette.
As promised, here are my rankings:
  1. Arie
  2. Jef
  3. Doug
  4. Chris
  5. Charlie
  6. Nate
  7. Sean
  8. Alejandro
  9. Wolf
  10. Travis
  11. Michael
  12. Ryan
  13. Kalon
See how my opinion of Ryan drastically wavered since introduction night? I started having doubts about his “too good to be true” lines last week, but chose to be optimistic. I’m losing the ability to see good in him, though. My gut instinct is that he needs to go.
On the next episode - Cliff diving, yachting, beach bonfires, sailing, romance, narcissism, feuds...all in Bermuda. Why do Chris and Doug have words? Why is Ryan questioning Ems about her kiss with Arie? Why did we not see Kalon in any of those scenes? I feel the drama is just beginning!
How about that closing clip! Alessandro and his third cousin. Ewwwwww. Ems dodged a bullet sending that one home. Here’s to hoping we bid adieu to Kalon very soon! Until next week, Bachelorette fans. I leave you with this. And the cutest couple award goes to:


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Episode 2, Kalon the Obnoxious


Spotlight on Charlotte, where Emily sits with her circle of friends in the park for a play date. Meanwhile the men gather in the courtyard to listen to Chris Harrison explain the date situation for the season. He then lays down the first date card, which Doug is happy to read aloud.
“Ryan, be my king in the queen city...Emily” Ole Ry is none too disappointed. So much so that his fluff got a little fluffier. Immediately we see Kalon’s jealousy emerging...again. Who does this dude think he is?? Grrrrr
Ok as a self-proclaimed torso connoisseur I must point out the abundant stock of pecs and abs. Thanks for the distraction, ABC.
So she picks Ryan up for his date. First stop - Emily’s house... where he helps carry in groceries. Ok Ems I do love you so, but c’mon! Groceries? And then cookie baking. All I can say is he best get a cool date after being such a trouper in that floral apron, cracking eggs. Luckily, she has a dinner date planned for the two of them.
After commercial break, Ry stands ironing his shirt. Luckily, he didn’t bother to put a different shirt on for the scene. Thank you, reality TV gods for this treat. I’m beginning to think we have women behind the cameras this season. Anyhoo, Ems shows up in a hot car and an even hotter dress to pick him up. Far cry from chocolate chip cookies, my friends. Who pulls up to a restaurant and walks a red carpet just to have dinner? Emily does.
Ry gets some tough questions thrown his direction. He seems to have come prepared with solid answers. If this guy isn’t sincere, he deserves an Oscar.
Back at the mansion, the doorbell rings signifying that the newest date card is on the front steps. Chris is eager to grab the card so he can read it to the gang. Thanks to my lovely sister-in-law I now know who our resident lover of bobble heads reminds me of...Gerard Butler. Who else sees it? I must also point out that Tony has a Steve Carell quality about him, dont’cha think. Anyone? Anyone? But I digress. Date card: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie, Kalon - “Let’s set the stage for love” Hmm, ought to be an interesting evening. Pauly D and Kalon on the same date. Fun.
Ryan gets the rose and then asks for a chase. I like him, but is the chase thing a red flag? Time will tell. They then head out back to watch a band called Gloriana. Admittedly, I’d never heard of them. BUT I immediately went to iTunes and downloaded that song. I guess that makes me their newest fan. Ryan says all the right things as they danced on a pedestal to this beautiful music. Smooth talker? Pretty much. Sincere in his words? I sure hope so.
The dreaded group date approaches as Ems gets lovely in front of her mirror. The boys get to hang out with Kermit and Miss Piggy. I’ve always been a muppet fan so I’m loving this. I’m also loving Tony’s impression of Kermit! And can I just say that I dig Jef’s hair even more this week.
Moving on. Let the performances begin. Well, that is, only after Kermit helps Ems zip her dress. Bow chicka wow wow. Froggy love. The guys are on stage strutting their stuff while Ems stands atop stairs reminiscent of Madonna’s Material Girl video...or maybe Marilyn’s Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend. Then we move on to the comedy portion of the show. Fail. But next...a poem from our teacher. A proposal from cute Jef. And Ems in a magnificent pink sequin mini skirt. Wow. All in all, what a great night! This date was quite fun to watch.
Emily shows up in really fabulous shoes for a little rooftop chit chat with the boys after the performance portion of the group date was over. First she sits down with Gerard, aka Chris, and seems to think fondly of him. Then Jef. She seems a little insecure about his feelings. But I think he reassured her, judging by the fact that she was undressing him with her sparkly eyes.
Back at the mansion, the final date card arrives. “Joe, Come close to my heart...emily” He was thrilled man, pumped, it’s awesome, woohoo. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t jump around, though.
On the group date, Pauly D has turned up the cheese with his dance moves. It turns into entertainment for the other guys. Kalon is happy to bust in on that alone time to make himself feel like the alpha male. Dislike. And of course Pauly is ticked. This bromance - or lack thereof - is a molotov cocktail in the making. Their incendiary personalities, coupled with Kalon’s arrogance, are going to be the source of a lot of drama. So as Kalon sits spoon feeding Ems a load of rubbish, Aaron interrupts for a chemistry lesson. ONCE AGAIN, Kalon objects. WHOOOO does he think he is?! Who else caught the evil glare and smirk Kalon was giving Aaron behind Emily’s back during their hug. Oh my. If you have it DVR’d, go back and watch. I’m not kidding. This guy is a piece of.....work. Yeah, a smug piece of “work.” Then we get to hear him drone on about how he is a gentleman and about how he conducts himself more eloquently than the other guys and blah blah blah. The master of pontification! And the master of arrogance. What a pompous *bleep*.... I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro. Fortunately, I’m me. I’m the douchebag who rides in on a helicopter, pops the collar on my cardigan sweater and makes everyone feel uncomfortable. That guy is a joke. I am officially Team Pauly D.
Date rose goes to Jef. YESSSS.
Time for Joe Woohoohoo’s date. Gotta say. I’m looking forward to seeing him when he’s NOT acting a fool. They head off to West Virginia on a jet. Then they head to the Greenbrier in an old vintage car. Sweet ride, but the resort looks more like the place The Shining was filmed. Heeerrreeee’s Johnny. In their tour, they pass through the room of redrum before jumping in the pool. Even Joe has something to look at underneath that shirt. Good gravy this season is full of nifty things.
Speaking of nifty things, the guys are taking a dip back at the mansion. Oddly enough, our pretentious slimeball seems to be the one NOT sporting eye candy underneath his cardigan. He proceeds to offend Doug by accusing him of putting being a Dad on hold. Back the truck up, jerk. Don’t mess with a parent. I can find nothing good to say about Kalon the DB.
Heading back to the haunted hotel, Ems walks down the stairs looking breathtaking once again. If ever there were a perfect specimen, it’s her. Well, her and Carrie Underwood. Nonetheless, she’s physically flawless. Dinner conversation was a bit odd. I don’t think he gave the right answers to many of her concerns. He doesn’t seem to be headed down the baby track. I’m seeing his end in sight. As suspected, he did not get the rose. His exit was just as boring as his date. Darn. I wanted to see him jump around one more time before he went home. Purely for entertainment, though. I wasn’t his biggest fan so I’m not heartbroken. See ya later wooptydoo pants.
The first real cocktail party. I always wait for the drama to begin. Ems and Arie sit in the swing and have pleasant conversation. We find out that he dated a girl with kids. You could almost see butterflies dancing in her eyes at the thought of that. Then Ryan gets her alone (even though he already has a rose - that’s my pet peeve), so Steve Carell attempts to bust in on the date but instead gets stuck listening to her read a letter Ry wrote to her. Awwwkwardddd. And by the way, what’s up with the multiple page letter anyway? It’s like Rachel’s EIGHTEEN PAGE letter to Ross...FRONT AND BACK. Quite a mundane way to spend an evening. But I like Ryan so I’m gonna leave this one alone. Tony begins talking about his son, Taylor, who is back in BEAVERton. Almost makes me forget about the shoe thing. What has two thumbs and is starting to like Tony a little better? This girl. Kalon corners Ems on a swing. Doug steals her away...this time without objection from Kalon. Knock me over! But in true slimebag form he heads in the house to spread around his napalm again. The wolf finally scored some brownie points with me when he commented on dudes having Louis Vuitton luggage. I laughed out loud... literally.
Roses go to:
Kalon - The first rose? Really, Ems? Ughhhhhhh. He’s this season’s Courtney.
Arie - Yayy
Michael - Did he speak this episode?
Nate - Was he around this episode?
Sean - Seems nice.
Chris - I like.
Doug - He’s moving up my ladder.
Travis - Is that an egg in your pocket or are you just glad to get a rose?
Tony - I like his non-cheesy side.
Wolllfffff - He might end up being ok.
Alessandro - Alessandro does Dallas. Not a fan.
Charlie - Soooo a fan!
Alejandro - Can’t figure out why I think he’s sortof cute...except for the mullet.
Final rose time - As if we don’t know who it’s going to. We need drama.
Stevie - Kick his *bleep*, Seabass.
Goodbye to our Biology teacher, Aaron and to the creeper, Kyle. I’m cool with these decisions. My front runners are starting to become evident. I’ll begin ranking next week after I see a little more of these guys.
Next time - Ems and Arie share a great date and what looks to be a great kiss. Chris is the one who gets to see Luke!! Jealoussssss! Capital J. The egg finally gets broken. Alessandro crosses a line. Tony has a meltdown. Can’t wait!
Until next week, Bachelorette fans. I found this gem of a pic, and I must share!


Monday, May 21, 2012

Episode 1, The Guys: A Multitude of Idiocy






Ok the last time I was this excited about a contestant - and anticipated him to be the “best ever” - it turned out to be a total bust. Therefore, I say with hesitation that Emily might be the best Bachelorette ever. No matter how this season goes, I will stand by the fact that she has the MOST potential to be the best ever. So don’t hold it against me if she turns out to be a flop, too. As of this moment, though, I am more excited about this season than I have ever been about another!
As expected, the show begins with a recap of Emily’s sad story. Once again, it brought out emotion in me. We are also reminded that she is pretty much Supermom, as we are reminded that Brad is Superdouche. Seriously, what is wrong with that guy.
A first for the show, everything takes place in Charlotte. Emily’s hometown. Just goes to show - ABC has as much faith in this season as I do. She wants to be close to home and more importantly, close to her daughter. You go girl.
I’ll start with my first impression opinions from the opening bio clips...
Kalon from Houston, Texas. He crawls out of a helicopter. The theme begins already. Before the guy says a word I’m thinking ok he wants us to know he has his own chopper. Andddd we care becauseeee? For me, this was affirmation that his arrogance will no doubt be painfully obvious for as long as Ems keeps him around. His first words - “I’m a young, fun, good-lookin’ guy with a few dollars in my pocket. I can wine, I can dine...” Andddd? He then tells us he used to be extremely loud and obnoxious. Used to be? 
Ryan from Augusta, Georgia. Mentor to kids. Physically fit. Cute enough. I’m thinking good things.
Tony from BEAVERton, Oregon. Oops, was my caps lock on? Just as I’m thinking he’s a dork for calling a stack of brick a “great batch” we cut to the gym. Have mercy. I haven’t seen the likes of that since Brad. Yikes. But that takes a back seat to a more important quality. He’s a Dad. Poor guy got cheated on, and is now a single father. What has two thumbs and wishes this guy weren’t so cheesy? This girl. But oh well, he has nice abs, he’s a Dad, and he has nice abs.
Lerone from Los Angeles. Nice-looking guy, has large biceps but a very small dog. No that’s not a double entendre. He has a small dog. Really.
David from NYC. Immediately his good looks are evident. Singer/song writer. At first sight, seems like a catch. Then he opens his mouth. When you begin a sentence with the words “I don’t wanna toot my own horn, but...” you KNOW nothing good will come after the but. He shows us his skills... Emilyyy, Emilyyyyy, Emilyyyyyyy oh ohhhh. Yeah I can see his song-writing talent. Haven’t seen a lyric like that since Theyyy sayyy loveee.
Charlie from Nashville. Already this guy scores a few points for living in one of the coolest cities ever. And he has a big dog! Bulldogs are so flippin’ boss. Now THAT’S a man’s dog. Yeah I think I like this guy.
Jef from Salt Lake City. Everybody has their passions and I would never begrudge anyone the right to do what they love, but I’m not sure Ems is looking for a 27 year old skater boy. That said, he obviously has a smart mind and a philanthropic heart. There is nothing more rewarding than giving back. Plus he's cute.
Arie from Arizona. A race car driver? Really? Just a tad obvious. But he’s cute and has a good name. Seems a little cruel of ABC, but we’ll see what happens.
After first impression clips, it’s time for the night to begin. I gotta say, they have found a locale even more impressive than the hills of Southern Cali. Other than the fact that she is wearing my prom shoes from 1988, Ems is looking ever-so-stunning in her gold accented gown. She’s so beautiful. She sits down with Chris to get her feelings out in the open and to hear some unsolicited advice about not talking about anyone’s baby-maker on night one. After that weirdness, it’s finally time to meet the men. I get the feeling its going to be a barrage of cheesiness. I’ve seen the previews.
Let the journey begin. In order of appearance, here are the men and what I think about them:
Sean, 28, Insurance Agent, Dallas. Another cool city! I’m not sure he has much of a personality but at least he didn’t open with some cheesy line...only an awkward hug.
David from the opening clip. He questions her about how they ended up in Charlotte. There’s just something not sincere about this guy.
Doug, 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle. First words: “I’m a hugger.” Oh boy! Then he starts talking about his status as a single parent. I’m torn. Is he using that stuff to get closer to Ems? Or is he a sincere guy with a soft side? Either way, he uses too much hair gel.
Jackson, 29, Fitness Model, Lockport, Illinois. Fitness model? Oh jeez. And he gets on one knee to recite a quote he read off of a vinyl wall hanging he saw at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Cheese! He’s just happy he didn’t screw up the words. After all, he’s practiced in front of the mirror in his Speedo all week long.
Joe, 27, Professional Moron Field Energy Advisor, Los Angeles. EMILY, what’d ya say, excii-iited, YOU look phenomenal, ALRIGHT [says as he jogs backward]. I have nothing.
Arie the race car driver. Didn’t realize he was so tall. Odd for a race car driver. Overall, I think this was a good introduction.
Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor, Long Beach, Cali. This creeper did nothing but compliment and look her up and down. Ewwww.
Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chi-town. A bit stiff, a bit wordy, a bit dull. I hope he steps it up inside.
Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher, Long Beach, Cali. I immediately dig his glasses. Then he pulls them off with the cheesiest line ever. A biology teacher here to have chemistry with her?? You and your chalkboard are stupid.
Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant, St. Paul, Minnesota. A grain merchant from Brazil. Grain? If he says so.
Jef our charitable skater with Chris Isaak hair. Of course he rode in on his wicked skateboard. He was glad he didn’t wreck. I was too, but it would’ve made for great entertainment.
Lerone from earlier. He didn’t leave LA without a pocket full of lines. But looking dashing, as expected.
Stevie, 26, Party MC, Monroe Township, NJ. Grass green button up, boom box, tired dance moves. He just wanted to make her smile. Or frighten her. One of the two. Memo to Stevie: Just because you come from Jersey, spike your hair and carry a boom box doesn’t mean you’re Pauly D. Cheese!
Charlie the Nashville boy with the cool dog. I think I’m going to like him.
Tony from BEAVERton. Darn caps lock! Great abs, single father, great abs. What has two thumbs and thinks Prince Charming is Prince Tool? This girl. Put the ridiculous shoe down, idiot.
Randy, 30, Marketing Manager, Hermosa Beach, Cali. Ok I get where he was going with the whole granny thing, but the word inappropriate comes to mind. Get this guy out. Soon.
Right about now, I’m thinking Ems is wondering who the heck was responsible for casting this barrage of imbeciles.
Nate, 25, Accountant, LA. Oooh la la. Nate is a cutie. Anyone else see a hint of Prince William? I hope he’s not a jerk because I like him already.
Brent, 41, Technology Salesman, Fresno. Oh sweet mother of cradle robbers with name tags. 41? No. Go home. Hello my name is loser.
John “The Forehead” “Wolf”, 30 Data Deconstruction Specialist, St. Louis. First of all, beware of anyone whose name is in quotations...and no last name is given. Second, what the heck is a data deconstruction specialist? I Googled it. Even Google doesn’t know. I’m picturing him typing some numbers into an Excel chart or graph. So there it is. A glorified data entry clerk. My prediction: someone will ask him what he does and he won’t give a direct answer. His friends call him wolf. And he’s admitting that.
Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep slash Ostrich Breeder, Madison, Mississippi. He’s going to take care of the egg like he would take care of Ems and Ricki. I remember being in high school and having to take care of an egg like it was a baby. I was in high school, Travis! High school.
Michael, 26, Rehab Counselor, Austin. The hair. Oh the hair. Not good. He’s a music lover. So basically, he likes to turn up the radio while he’s driving down the highway letting his hair blow beneath his sun roof. He gives her a guitar pick. Wonder if he can really play. They sayyyyy.
Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist, Seattle. He claims not to know much about her. Oh please, Jacques Cousteau!
Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Fran. First things first. This guy has a hint of a mullet. Nice. And now we have 2 South American guys with essentially the same name who work with mushrooms and grains. Interesting. Plus I won’t be able to get Gaga out of my head until they’re both gone. Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, Alejandro.
Ryan the trainer from Georgia. Aside from that fluff on the top of his head, I like his looks ok. Normally, I find gimmicks lame. However, something about that note was quite charming. I think I’m going to like him.
And last but not least, our boy Kalon the great rides in on that chopper from his opening clip. Should’ve known that’s who it’d be. Ugh. I’m not impressed. But apparently Ems was impressed. Did she overlook his horse teeth? I guess so. He rolls onto the patio trying to feed lines to the guys to win them over. This fool is only here to impress people. Please leave.
The cocktail party seems to be going ok at first. I spotted a sense of humor in Charlie. I like. Mr. WoohoohooALRIGHT appears to be a bit inebriated early in the evening. Our resident “old dude” discloses the fact that he has 6 kids...count ‘em...SIX. Eeek. Chris, who I had hoped would step up his game, whipped out bobble heads. Not what I meant by step it up. But it sure beats Trav swinging with his egg. Ohhh the romance between and man and his yolk. Ok, at first I poked a little fun at Jef and his skateboard, but I’m starting to see something in him. A sincerity and a real cuteness. I literally found myself smiling when they were talking out under the gazebo. Doug brings a note from his son. Did his son make these words up or did Dougie tell him what to write? I still can’t decipher sincerity from cheese in this guy. Kalon gets Ems alone. He tells her he was raised by a single Mom. Oddly convenient. Maybe he was, maybe not. Pardon my cynical side. Pauly D wanna-be sure is spending a lot of energy on chopper boy, though. Intimidated much? Arie finally gets his time with her. I’m nervous for him. But it went over well. She seemed ok with the whole race car thing. 
First impression rose time. I automatically thought Jef or Ryan. But I’ve been wrong in the past so I wasn’t surprised that I was wrong again. It went to Doug. I just hope he turns out to be sincere. I’m having a hard time with him. I gotta say I’m already sick of Pauly D. He needs to take his boom box, his bad attitude and his insecurity on back to Jersey! But for ratings sake, he and chopper will be here a while I’m afraid. After all, we have to have someone to cause trouble.
Rose recipients in order of how she called them:
Chris - Wondering if his bobble head got a tiny rose, too.
Ryan - I’m happy with this.
Kalon - Shocker. Ratings.
Arie - Well of course Arie stays.
Charlie - Aww yayy.
Jef - I like me some Jef!
Nate - Can’t wait to find out more about him.
Sean - Seems nice so far.
Joe - His thought bubble went a little something like this - Woohoo, OH YEAH, that’s what i’m talkin’ ‘bout, EM-I-LY!
Kyle - Creepy.
Aaron - He’s ready to give that chemistry lesson now.
Alejandro - Just smoke my cigarette and hush.
John - Howwwlllll no.
Alessandro - Seriously?
Michael - Oh dear. Someone please shave his head in his sleep.
Stevie/Pauly D - Ratings, ratings, ratings.
Tony - If he’ll just shut up and flex he’ll be ok.
Travis - Will someone please scramble his egg.
Goodbye guys:
Jackson - Back home to memorize more quotes in his fitness speedo.
Lerone - Small dogs turn chicks off.
Brent - Back home to his brood of kids. Who cast him anyway?
Randy - He takes his granny wig back to the west coast. What a boob.
Jean-Paul - Now you’ll know even less about her, Jacques.
David - Didn’t even score a closing clip. He already headed out to NYC to toot his own horn while writing some more amazing lyrics. I bet he has Wes on speed dial.
Previews for the season. Luke Bryan, people!! Excuse me while I catch my breath. Can’t wait for that episode. Mmmm. Looks like it’s going to be an exciting season! Emily channels her inner truck driver on someone. Grown men are crying like babies. Jef seems to get cuter by the episode. Woohoohoo Alright OHyeah Excii-iited!!
I can’t close without sending a big thank you to Jackson for providing us with the eye candy under his pink button up. Kudos, my man! Who else paused the TV for a minute? C'mon people, don't lie.