So Emily’s Mom still, at least on occasion, brings her breakfast in bed. What a beautiful thing...until syrup gets spilled on the sheets.
The guys gather in the courtyard with sleepy eyes to hear Harrison explain the three dates that will take place this week. One group date. Two individual dates. Date card # 1: Chris, Love is a steady climb. Way to go, Gerard! Unless they will be climbing monkey bars.
What girl in this universe could rock a sleeveless motorcycle screen-printed tee and make it look good? Emily Maynard. That’s who. And not surprisingly, she reminds him how cute she thinks he is. His libido is tickled as he watches her get strapped into a harness. Simmer down, Gerard. Wrong type of harness. As they scale the wall - thunder and lighting permeating the sky - Chris imagines the kiss he would like to share when they reach the top. Nevermind the threatening weather. It was all over once he saw her in that harness. He chickened out, though. No kiss on the rooftop. Just like a gentleman.
While exchanging pleasantries and discussing who would hit on who in a bar, Ems realizes he is 25. Oddly, she is taken aback by this. It’s a mystery to me though, considering she is only 26. But we’ll see what happens.
Back at the house, Tony talks to his little boy on the phone. I assume this is supposed to set the stage for the emotional clip we saw in last week’s previews. Jef reads the group date card: Charlie, Alejandro, Pauly D, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John the Wolf, Michael and his hair, Doug, Jef the cutie, Tony, Travis (no egg, please). Let’s play.
Resuming the date with Gerard Butler, he explains his level of maturity as Ems sits and pictures him in a Speedo. Never in my life have I seen the likes of such puppy love. He is so obviously saying all the right things and she is hanging on his every word. Chris and his pretty white teeth and sexy facial hair. This guy is soooo going far in this journey. So THEN they head off to a country music concert. Oh but not to see just any singer, my friends. To see Luke Bryan. Oh dear mother of all beautiful men. That’s just not fair to Chris. Although Ems doesn’t seem to be near as distracted by this country crooner as I would be. Luke, you make my speakers go boom boom. Chris finally gets his long-awaited kiss at the end of the song, but strangely enough, he asks her for the kiss instead of just laying it on her. Chivalry or nerdiness? You tell me. Either way, they’re definitely high on summertime in that moment, so Chris leans in for one more less-than-passionate peck.
The guys show up in the park for their group date. Ems is standing there holding a football, which is a total turn-on for this group of testosterone-riddled hound dogs. Right about now, Alessandro must be really happy that he wore that green and white striped shirt. After all, what says I Love You more than matching tops. Just when you think an exciting game of pigskin is gonna get fired up, Ems walks off. Her pals are waiting across the way. Ems asks them to grill the guys to help assess their worthiness. Conversations seem to be going well. Travis had the nerve to bring along his lame egg for this date. But even more inappropriate than that, is the question asked by her judgmental blonde friend, “did you fertilize it?” Jeez, I’m pretty sure Ems needs to loan this gal pal some couth. I did adore the funny clips of the dancing, the worming, the push ups...oh these guys have a fun side and I love it! The friends seemed to really like Sean in spite of his creepy flesh-colored eyebrows. The inappropriate friend looks him up and down and asks him if he works out. Then she tells him he’d look good in a cape and spandex. And the kicker - she asks him to take his shirt off. Oh c’mon lady. I’m guessing she is experiencing some serious sexual frustration! Someone call her husband and tell him to spice it up! I couldn’t even believe my eyes and ears. She’s the ridiculous friend.
After that awkwardness finally ended, the guys are put to the true test. How do they interact with children. Some of them...very well. Some of them...fish out of water. Doug missed his calling. I’m pretty sure he’d make a stellar elementary teacher. And Jef. How about this guy! Only someone who is a kid at heart would slide down a slide backward. He’s delicious.
Ryan decided to venture away from the madness to talk to Ems. As he walks up to steal her away, the frustrated cougar interjects by letting him know how good he looks. But somehow I get the feeling he wasn’t offended by her inappropriate observations as he looked her up and down...as well as the other friends. My gut is starting to quiver with this guy. I’m not sure why, but I sense a certain amount of shady behavior. He seems to dig down deep from within to find just the right lines to compliment and impress. The mark of a womanizer. He did say he likes the chase. He probably grows bored quickly once he catches. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe not. And who does he think he is, telling her she can’t gain weight and still expect him to “love on her.” Ugh. Jerk.
Night falls on this group date. Once again, Ems gets all dressed up in a stunning outfit. And once again, she starts the rapid fire of probing questions. First Sean, then Doug. As Doug tells his heart-warming story of his difficult childhood, Ems cries and I develop a little crush on this guy. At first I questioned his sincerity. Question no more, though. He’s the real deal.
At the house, the final date card awaits. Kalon thinks he deserves a really over-the-top date. Goodness knows, his rear is too good for a normal date. Luckily the date card goes to Arie... Love is a wild ride.
Tony sits with Ems and talks about his son and how bad he misses him. He gets emotional. Needless to say, she understands and comforts him. Doug tries to comfort him, as well. It is increasingly apparent that Tony is a great Dad. This slightly negates all of the corny Prince Charming stuff from night one. What has two thumbs and admires Tony? This girl. Every kid should have a Dad that loves them as much as Tony loves little Taylor. Ems sees it too. She sends him home to be with his baby. His eyes almost lit up when she told him he was going home. Just goes to show what a great Dad he is. Kudos to you, Steve Carell!
Time to hand out the rose. Sean gets it. Maybe she’ll get to see those bare torso push-ups.
Emily arrives to pick Arie up. Lookin’ cute as always in her jorts and striped tee, but for the first time she commits a fashion faux pas. My opinion doesn’t mean a lot, but I am NOT digging the boots with that outfit. But whatever, she’s still gorg. They head to Dollywood. He appears to find this place charming. This date feels so natural. They ride a couple of rides and go to a stage to write a song. Just then they are surprised by Dolly herself. To say Ems was starstruck is quite the understatement! A sweet song dedicated to them. A sweeter song dedicated to love. A slow dance on a stage with “Dolly freakin’ Parton.” This date is already a success.
Time for Emily’s inquisition. I’m pretty sure Arie’s answers doth please my lady. He turns the inquisition around. This might be the first time a guy has questioned her like that. That whole conversation turned out to be a very nice one. When Emily started her rose speech and threw in that “but” I seriously wanted to jump through the TV and choke her. Then it seemed to be a joke, so I calmed down. Thankfully she was indeed messing with him. Otherwise we wouldn’t have witnessed their ever so romantic moment on the carousel. Whoa. What a kiss. She is already intensely smitten with sweet Arie, as I suspect 90% of the women watching are. He just made a quick trip to my top 3! Yes, this guy IS the bee’s knees!
The cocktail party begins with Ems pulling Kalon aside to chat. That conversation went something like this:
Kalon: Thanks to you, blondie, I had the week off so I had time to polish my glasses.
Emily: Wow Kalon. I’m impressed with your marbles.
Kalon: I appreciate the compliment but I’m trying to tell you that I took it personally that you didn’t give me a date. NOW how you like these marbles?!
Emily: Well I’m a lady so I choose not to respond.
Kalon: It is devastating that for the first time in my miserable spoiled rotten existence, the world doesn’t revolve around me. I don’t even have the word share in my extensive vocabulary. But I do know what dolichocephalic means! How about you? Do ya know? Huh? Huh?
Emily: Wow, Kalon. I don’t know what to say to that. Do you also know what ostentatious means?
Kalon: Do I? I hear that word on a regular basis, you simpleton. Wait. Anyway, you definitely have class and I’m so happy you graciously sent Tony packing. He was no match for me anyway.
Emily: Ok ok ok. Moving on. How do you feel about children?
Kalon: Well I wanted my first born to share my impeccable DNA, but I guess we could always lock little Ricki in the attic and populate the world with my clones.
Emily: Ummmmm. Well what if your Mom married a good guy and....
Kalon: SHUSH woman! I like to hear you talk but I like to her myself talk WAYYY more!
Emily’s thought bubble: *Jackass*
Kalon: I’m used to being in control. I like things my way, because my way is always the best way.
Emily: Hmm, you don’t say.
Kalon: Have I made myself clear?
Emily: Painfully. Now go wrangle your brass marbles and pack your bags, windbag.
Kalon: Don’t you mean Louis Vuitton bags. And I’m not going anywhere. I don’t accept rejection. Besides, I have a helicoper so na-na-na-boo-boo.
After that excruciating chat, she goes to the front porch with Travis and his egg. Ems gets the satisfaction of smashing the egg. May Shelly rest in peace.
Alessandro sits on the swing with Ems. That did not go well. At all. While watching I felt our “grain merchant” was about to be sent back to the fields of South America to tend to his crop. Maybe Kalon will give him a lift in his chopper. But wait. No need to wait for that. Alessandro gets the boot before the rose ceremony even begins. Good riddance, 30 year old gypsy, i.e. frat boy.
Ems was understandably upset. Arie to the rescue. He consoles her with some soft smooches. She goes to sit down with Sean and his flesh-colored brows. He said all the right things, and scores some sugar, as well. I don’t dislike him, and he definitely seems like a nice guy. But for whatever reason, he isn’t at the top of my list.
Time for the rose ceremony. We already lost Tony and Alessandro, so only one other person goes home. Logic says it’ll be Kalon. I sure hope it’s Kalon. But ABC is all about the ratings every season, and sometimes keeps a crazy around to spice up the house. We’ll soon find out.
And the roses go to...
Jef - Sweet, adorable, great-haired, kid-friendly Jef.
Charlie - He’s a keeper for sure.
Doug - Was there ever a doubt.
Michael - Icky.
Travis - Well she’d better keep him after killing Shelly.
Alejandro - She prefers mushrooms over grain.
Ryan - Time will tell if my instincts are right.
Wolllfffff - He might turn out to be ok. I said might.
Kalon - RATINGS. RATINGS. RATINGS. Gross! My contempt grows.
Nate - I need to see more of this dashing stranger.
And Pauly D goes back to Snooki. Looks like his mean dance moves weren’t enough for this bachelorette.
As promised, here are my rankings:
See how my opinion of Ryan drastically wavered since introduction night? I started having doubts about his “too good to be true” lines last week, but chose to be optimistic. I’m losing the ability to see good in him, though. My gut instinct is that he needs to go.
On the next episode - Cliff diving, yachting, beach bonfires, sailing, romance, narcissism, feuds...all in Bermuda. Why do Chris and Doug have words? Why is Ryan questioning Ems about her kiss with Arie? Why did we not see Kalon in any of those scenes? I feel the drama is just beginning!
How about that closing clip! Alessandro and his third cousin. Ewwwwww. Ems dodged a bullet sending that one home. Here’s to hoping we bid adieu to Kalon very soon! Until next week, Bachelorette fans. I leave you with this. And the cutest couple award goes to: