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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Episode 9, Holy Bleep With A Side of OMG

My apologies to my loyal readers. I am behind this week due to computer issues. But here is this week's recap! Happy reading...


Opening reel. Previews for tonight’s episode. We got an audio clip of the mystery girl shown last week. Sure sounds a lot like Shawntel. Since I’m writing this blog in real time, I can make that prediction. Seems too obvious, but still. Sounds like the voice of our morbid trouble maker from a few weeks back. Is ABC that desperate for some good drama in this mundane season?
And a peek at sweet Emily. She’s finished with Brad - despite his ripped torso - and ready to go on the journey that has already failed her once. I’m thinking a few of this season’s crop are doing some heavy seething over this since they most likely were jonesing for that position. But back up, chicas - make room for Em! ABC owes us! After putting us through Ashley's season...which should have been rightfully Em's. Just ask William and Tim and  Mask and Bentley and the guys.
Ben lets us know we are headed to Switzerland while he struggles with all of his mixed up emotions. Ben sits at his window seat and flashes back to all of the good times he has experienced with these women. We almost forget that Lindzi is the daughter of Harry Cox and Mrs. Ed. We don’t almost forget that Courtney is a nutbag slutowski. We were also reminded that Charlie Sheen is her hero. Winning.
After the cartoon map plots out for us this week’s destination, we get a glimpse of the lovely landscape we will experience as we watch this season come to a screeching halt an end.
First up in Switzerland - Nicki. They take a ride to a gorgeous mountain top [what feels like] 30,000 feet above sea level. As they yawn in hopes of a little ear popping, they proceed with conversation and try to ignore the impending nose bleeds caused by the altitude. I am distracted by her eye-catching purple pea coat and matching nail polish...perfectly accessorized with a white cashmere scarf and brown leather riding boots. But I’m pretty sure they talked about love, Daddy similarities, and some other serious stuff. In a bewildering turn of events, a chopper picks them up. It then drops them at another location appearing to be one wrong step away from ending this season. If there isn’t even enough flat surface to land a helicopter, doesn’t that raise a red flag? Someone please tell me this was Photoshopped. Creepiest image ever.
That nightmare ends and dinner finally begins...on flat land. But in a log cabin, with stumps as chairs. Man, talk about taking the good with the bad this entire day. I’m good with a log cabin. A stump chair...not so much.
Side note: If you haven’t deleted this off of your DVR, please go back and watch Ben’s interview clip 25 minutes in. What’s up with his hair? I literally laughed out loud.

Fantasy Suite Card time. Ben is on the edge of his seat waiting to find out if he gets to knock the dust off of his bedpost whittling knife for the first time since skinny dip night. Nicki bypasses the pleasantries and goes straight for the jugular.
Nicki: Well? When do we go?
Ben: Right now, yo! I was at the pharmacy ALL.DAY.LONG. I am equipped with a nice glow-in-the-dark raincoat.
Nicki: Aces. Let’s blow this pop stand!
Ben: You said blow.
Michelle: Glow in the dark, Ben? Really? And reel it in, Madonna. You can whip out your cone bra in due time.
They make their way to their fantasy chalet aka fire hazard of a love shack. Nicki looks into Ben’s eyes to share some serious sentiments. Ben looks into Nicki’s eyes and counts the seconds until he lays his eyes on her high beam headlights. I’m referring to her car, dirty minds.
Date 2 - Lindzi. Ben, still basking in the afterglow from the night before, embraces Lindzi and her dimple. They make their way over the woods and through the river and....oh never mind. They arrive at destination holy bleep with a side of omg. Rappelling into a ravine. Nobody wants to look down. Omg. Holy bleep. What’s up with Ben’s red belt? I’ve never seen him step outside of the earth tone color wheel. Such a risk taker! Ohh Emm Gee for real.
They head up to a lodge and bask in the warm water in the hot tub time machine listening to a Motley Crue album. After Lou and the one-armed bellhop fail to show up, they crawl out disheartened that they didn’t get the 1986 experience.
Evening falls and Lindzi gets taken to something not resembling a log cabin. Perhaps he feels this one was less than a sure thing, hence the wine and dine atmosphere. Dinner conversation felt redundant. She likes him. She loves him. She wants some more of him. She wants a ring, but instead gets a mysterious envelope.
Lindzi: Oh yay. Does this involve jumping off of something?
Ben: The chandelier maybe. By the way, I went to the pharmacy earlier and got some candles and a Marvin Gay CD.
Lindzi: Woohoo. Dumpsville, population zero baby!
Michelle: Don’t forget to bring your whip, Dale Evans.
Lindzi delivers the old one-liner so many girls have used before - “I don’t normally do this, but...” Ok, sister. You don’t normally do this. We believe you. Mmmkayyy. Cowgirl up. And with a wink and a nod and an “I like where this is going,” they take off to Spongebob’s lair just before closing the door to seal the deal.
And the date we knew they’d show last. The one and only. The sure thing of all sure things. I’m pretty sure a paddle boat ride and a Big Mac is enough for this girl to accept the fantasy suite key. Ben is back to his earth tones with a wool caramel-colored pea coat he stole off of Michelle Obama. He picks up Courtlip for a train ride through the Alps. Why does she get the good day-date? She baby talks her way through the date, bouncing and skipping around in such a way that I literally clawed at my neck with fierce intent due to the extreme nature of my exasperation. Stop bouncing, Courtney. Stop it now. She gets a cute picnic on a hillside with beautiful landscape in the background. She doesn’t deserve such a perfect afternoon. The only redeeming quality of this date...the thought of her stepping in a cow pile. How much fun would that be! Every time she brushes her hair back (which is every 4 seconds), I am distracted by her shirt sleeves. Now I’m no fashionista by any stretch of the imagination. However, I’m confused by the length of these sleeves. Anyhoo. The conversation gets a little tense. A second redeeming quality of this date. Here’s to hoping this is the nail in the coffin. Then we get another interview clip of her upset. Redeeming quality number 3! This has turned out to be a satisfying date for me, after all. Winning.
Ben takes the lady in black - literally head to toe black - to a wine cellar. Immediately the subject from earlier is brought up. She jumps into her outpouring of excuses. She wants everyone to think she regrets acting like a tool all season. C’mon. This is just ridiculous. A bleeding heart optimist might try to see some good in her. A realist such as myself still sees the horns. Careful everyone. Let down your guard with someone this wicked and you’ll get burned.
Ben: I have something for you.
Courtney: Oh. There’s an envelope in your pocket. I thought you were just glad to see me.
Ben: This is a big step for me.
Courtney: I have to read the card? THAT is a big step for me. What if I can’t pronounce one of those long words people sometimes use?
Ben: Don’t worry, I got your back.
Courtney: Ben and Courtney, welcome to the amazing city of Interlaken. Look, I said a big word! Winning! I hope you’re enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. How do you feel about this?
Ben: Well I have an envelope in my other pocket too. Oh wait...
Courtney: Enough said. Let’s go. The card did say something about interlocking. Just sayin.
Ben: Great. I went to the pharmacy earlier and I got an STD test. You mind taking it?
Michelle: Don’t bother Ben. She wouldn’t understand the instructions. The boiling hot water washed it all off anyway.
Next we get a few more previews of next season. Did Ashley really compare her story with JP to Jack and Rose?! Ugh the blaspheme! Reality TV “romance” vs. great love story aboard a beautiful ship - two totally different things. Oh that Hebert just grates on my last nerve. 
And the moment we’ve been waiting for. Don’t forget, I’m writing in real time so as I type I still do not know who we are about to see. I just hope I’m wrong about it being Shawntel. Annnndddd I’M WRONG! Yay. It’s my girl Kacie. If not for being conceived by the Cleavers, she’d be getting her shot in Switzerland. Her hometown should’ve consisted of baton twirling and her sister only. But unfortunately it didn’t.
So Ben reacts with a holy bleep and and obvious pant. Kacie wants answers. Ben validates her fear that her family ruined it for her. She now reveals to him that even though she respects her parents, she doesn’t do what they say. She should’ve already told him that. As he realizes that she isn’t prudish like her parents, he kicks himself. You can almost see a thought bubble with the words holy bleep in it. But what’s done is done. She didn’t slip away without letting him in on a few tidbits of info about crazy Courtney. Hopefully it resonated with him. We shall see.
Before the final roses, Ben sits with this charming stranger named Chris. Where has he been this week? Ben rehashes his decisions. He seems to regret some things. I like to think he regrets sending Kacie home. But so far, my predictions haven’t exactly been on par. What are the chances he’ll choose nobody and instead pull a Jason Mesnick and revert back to someone he sent home? A girl can dream.
Rose ceremony. Lindzi enters in her flattering navy blue plunge neck gown. Nicki in her sassy little white number with hair brushed to one side. And lastly, Morticia Adams. What’s up with all of the black she’s worn on this episode? And those black panythose? What the. Did she forget to shave her legs? Is she allergic to the mountain air? Did she go emo with these newfound feelings of “regret” she claims to be coming to terms with? Does she see gloom and doom in her near future? Whatever the case may be, gross.
First rose - Lindzi
Next rose - Courtney
WHAT?! Holy bleep! OMG! Why Ben why. Are the ABC execs holding onto creative control for ratings? The only, and I do mean ONLY, good thing about this is that she won’t be there next week for TWTA. Yipee! Can’t wait to hear these girls talk about the dagger Courtney twisted in their backs all season.
Back in the day, I wanted to start an “I Hate Ashley Hebert” fan club. There’s a second club I’d like to start now. Replace Ashley Hebert with Ben Flajnik. He might actually be the biggest moron to ever hold the title of The Bachelor...aside from Jake, that is.
We don’t get much in the way of previews for the finale. Looks like a little fun, a little drama, but no peek into anything proposal. In past episodes, we have seen glimpses of a thin girl in a long black dress, but nothing more. Nothing beyond someone walking up the hill. We see no facial expressions, no tears, no smiles, none of the things we used to get from a finale teaser. What are we to think of this? I’m so confused I can’t even speculate. For now, I’m focused on next week. The Women Tell All episode. Where it’s no holds barred. Cat eat cat. I’m ready. Let’s do this. Until next week, friends. I depart from tradition by refraining from leaving you with an unflattering pic of the most hated contestant ever. Instead, I’m all about the happy memories tonight.


I leave you with this piece of joy...

And remember this? Don’t you miss it...



Monday, February 27, 2012

A Hint Of Peacock

I may be the last person on Earth to board the peacock train, but alas I have grown to like this offbeat pattern. Admittedly I don't love it, and probably never will, but a hint of peacock is a nice touch to this outfit.

A hint of peacock










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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Cupid Shot My Kindergartner


Ahhh Valentine’s Day. Such a sweet holiday. I, personally, have always loved this day...even moreso since I met the love of my life. This day gets more enjoyable every year we are together. I also love Valentine’s episodes of TV shows. I love chocolate. I love flowers. I love romance. You get the point. It’s my second favorite holiday. Santa, then Cupid.
But this post isn’t about my love for romance or chocolate. It’s about one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard about my own child.
The Friday before Valentine’s Day, my son’s wonderful teacher told them about this holiday and about Cupid. Even though I wasn’t there, I can totally picture Rhett sitting there, legs crossed, head thrown back, fully enthralled in the story. Cupid’s legacy resonated with him. I am confident of this because it was still on his mind at recess. How do I know? I’ll answer that for you.
The teachers on duty at recess were approached by Rhett’s good friend, Millie. She told the duty teachers that Rhett had tried to kiss her. The duty teachers looked around for Rhett and saw him laid across a swing on his belly, flying through the air like a little airplane. They called him over and asked him if he’d tried to kiss Millie. He said yes he had done that. They asked him why. His response was this:
“Cupid’s arrow bounced off of the ground and shot me, so I had to give some love.”
Now if you don’t know Rhett, this might not seem like much of a funny story. But those who know him will see the humor in it. I questioned him about it and he very confidently and matter-of-factly explained that he was only trying to kiss her on the cheek as he kisses his brothers on the cheek. These two kiddos definitely have a special friendship.
Never will I ever let a Valentine’s Day pass without talking about Cupid’s arrow going awry on the playground that February day in 2012. The things kids say!

Episode 8, Meet the Parents


The episode I wait for all season...hometowns! It’s the show where the crazy is revealed. Some hide their black sheep during hometowns, some let the freak flags fly. Previews have shown us some things that have me anticipating flags flying around on Courtney’s hometown. We shall see.
Linzi. Ocala, FL. A sign saying beware of alligators. Huhhh? Of course she is trotting around the horse track when Ben arrives. Is that track hers? If so, sweet ranch! Not a lot interesting happened on this portion of the date. They ride off on a white horse named Devin. I miss the pretty black and white one from episode one. Over the hills and through the water and in the river and under the mountains and over the woods and through the river...or something like that.
They pull up to a settee area in the middle of nowhere. Her Mom introduces the family pups as Lindzi’s siblings. A hint of a flag? Borderline unhealthy/obsessive attachment to an animal? At this point, I think we can safely deduct that Lindzi is an only child. I hope so anyway. Her Dad’s name is Harry. I want Ben to ask where Lloyd is. Sorry, that was uncalled for. But I always go there when I hear the name Harry. The only thing overshadowing the Dumb and Dumber reference is the fact that his last name is Cox. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Harry Cox. What cruel parents he must have been born to.


Anyway, Harry and Margee break Ben in by making him haul them around in a carriage. Pretty sure manual labor isn’t the way to win a guy over. But oh well, I’ll try not to hate on them. After all, I do like Lindzi and those are her parents. I’ll be good. So Ben sits down for a chat with mom jeans. She talks about the family’s love of horses. What’s that they say about people looking like their pets? Shame on me. Mom jeans seems like a nice lady. After that, Ben sits down with Dad to sip drinks from a hillbilly wine glass. That’s really what they’re called, by the way. I’m not sure ole Harry has much of an opinion about anything. Pretty laid back guy. They make s’mores and toast with those same hillbilly wine glasses. Probably the most boring hometown ever.
Kacie. Clarksville, TN. Ben is greeted with a marching band and Kacie working that baton. It’s hard for me to say anything sarcastic or humorous about this part of the date because 1) I love Kacie, and 2) the conversation was too serious to poke fun at.
On to dinner with Ward and June Cleaver. As suspected, our winemaker found out what it was like to have sweet tea with dinner. Kacie goes off with her well-dressed sister to get her opinion. Sister is a little too camera shy to have a lot of input, though. Benny has a talk with Ward, as his butt falls asleep in the hard chair he’s forced to sit in. Daddy dearest isn’t the most welcoming of hometown parents in Bachelor history. He tells Ben that if he’s not feeling Kacie, send her to Dumpsville. Well not in those words, but you know. Then June warns him that she has a serious problem with the thought of them moving in together. Really? Didn’t she get the memo that this is 2012. Sorry, I just don’t get that mindset. Premarital “stuff” takes place with or without a shared address. Anyway, before I get on my soapbox about closed minds, I’ll move on. But for the record, I’m not digging these people and their antiquated views on life. Too much judgment going on here. Somehow, I feel Ben feels the same about them. The goodnight kiss was a little less passionate than past kisses. Red flag instead of freak flag.
Nicki. Fort Worth, TX. Ben loves Texas. Texas horses. Texas steer. Texas Nicki. They start off down at the stock yards. They boot shop where the mullet still lives. Ben buys a Clint Black hat which looks completely REdonkulous on him. Nicki gets the tackiest hat in the store. They come out wearing whole new outfits. And that belt buckle. Oh the belt buckle. Then they head off to a rose garden to sip their wine. That lovely southern humidity takes its toll on Ben’s locks. Either that or he bought a Chi down at the stock yards. After some rather pleasant conversation, they head to her house, stepping out of the SUV in the clothes/shoes they had on pre boot scoot boogie. This just gets more confusing by the wardrobe change. This family seems a bit more welcoming than Kacie’s. Her Mom tells us how much she likes Ben. Rawrrr, Mrs. Robinson. This Dad seems so genuine and loving. All Dads should be so smitten with their little girls. My favorite parent of the season. Yes I realize we still have another family to meet. But c’mon. I feel confident that this doting Dad will not be topped.
And lastly, crazy Courtney. Scottsdale, AZ. She has an interview clip where she seems to be having some sort of revelation about her behavior. She acts apologetic and regretful about how she’s acted. And she has some ocean front property in her back yard she’d like to sell us.
Dad has been practicing his politician introduction and firm handshake. They gather around the patio table where Rick-Robertson-nice-to-meet-you adjusts his sweater vest, brushes back his Elvis hair and toasts Ben’s arrival in his house. Two-tone haired sister shows us her weird mouth, too. And Ohhh Emmm Geee I really wish the camera man would’ve kept his distance from Cloris Leachman because that chick is scurrrrry! And at least 102 years old. At least now we know where Courtney gets that oh-so-irrrrritating voice. Weird lip and weird mouth go for a chat, where they mirror image each other with that cackling mindless giggle. Dad sits in deck chairs and philosophizes about love and gambling, and their relation to one another. He’s still working on his 12 steps. Weird lip now sits for a chat with Cloris and her weird voice. Does she have two brain cells to rub together in order formulate a thought? Seriously what’s up with this family. It takes a special set of parents to make Courtney look like the normal one. Oh but fear not, my rose colored glasses are NOT broken. I still see this girl for what she is. A hateful, vindictive, insecure, mouthy little shrew. And those are only the words my censor let through.
Finally he is free of the weirdos family. Weird lip takes him to a mock wedding. What the. How fitting that she wore a white dress today. And ohhhh, what do ya know, she just so happens to have some vows and a bow tie in her purse. Because no girl leaves home without those two things. The coincidences on this show never cease to amaze. She pretends to make hers up right there on the spot. But let’s be serious. The girl found Google last night and did a search for something to write down.
This whole hometown was one big freak show. An Elvis impersonator slash politician slash gambling addict, a mousy-voiced moron and a clone of a sister. Good gracious at the weird.
Courtney may not get the man, but she is securing her spot on the next Bachelor Pad....which, for the record, I suspect was her whole agenda this season anyway.
And after a let down of a show, they go back to LA for the first time since week one. Chris is waiting there to hear all about the visits.
The girls are all nervous at this rose ceremony. Ben’s nervous. I’m nervous. But it has to be narrowed to three. Someone has to go. As the moment approaches, I feel frightened for Kacie. Her beauty, kindness and sweet personality may not have been enough to overshadow the fact that she comes from the Cleavers.
First rose goes to Courtney. Well of course it does. I called this one last week. He wants an overnight because he knows...well, you know. Something about a sure thing.
Next rose - Lindzi. None too surprised. Boring hometown but he seemed to enjoy it.
And lastly, Nicki. They were definitely a good fit. Plus she seemed to have a more normal family than the others.
Sweet Kacie leaves us. Her parents shot her in the foot. Lighten up people. Evolve. I honestly feel like they ruined it for sweet Kacie. Her little rant in the limo exposed a distraught side of Kacie and a bit of a potty mouth. Uh-oh, Daddy isn’t going to like this.
Next week, Switzerland. Overnights. Romance. Mystery woman. Could it be Ashley? Could it be Casey? Could it be Kacie? Who knows. Either way, we are sure to see some drama go down next week. Hopefully anyway. We need some excitement up in here. I find myself wishing time away. I’m ready for this season to be over. How is it that a Bachelor I was so in love with a few weeks ago is slipping so rapidly down my list. I’m bored. At this point, I hope he does end up with Courtney. They are two peas in a pod. Maybe if he picks her, they’ll last long enough that she won’t be cast on the next Bachelor Pad.
Until next week, Bachelor fans.



Your parting picture...a mock wedding with lattice and potted grass. A white unflattering sundress. Untanned legs. Flat hippy hair. Big orange-ish boots that do NOT match the dress. Need I say more...



Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Casual Chic

Comfort is my thing at the moment. Any time a bit of style can be added to a comfy outfit, I'll take two! I love outfits that leave wiggle room in the accessory department. In this case a bit of bright pink makes its way on the scene. I heart this outfit in a big way!

Casual chic

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Episode 7, How to Dodge Imaginary Bullets


The most boring episode ever begins by showing us a view from above of Belize. Rain forest type terrain, ancient temples, large waterfalls, more muddy rivers & Ben in his scoop neck striped tank top. Sorry, had to include that eye catching piece of attire. And not eye catching in a good way. The girls arrive in a paper airplane...or something of the sort. They are all nervous as ever about scoring a hometown. 
Chris shows up in his olive linen pants to let the girls know Ben is ready to tie the knot. He explains the importance of what will happen in Belize - 3 intimate one on ones and a group date. Someone from the group date gets a rose, but no roses for the one on ones.
Lindzi gets the first date. “Two halves make a whole” Courtney had to read the card. I wanted to ask her how that tasted coming out of her mouth. Oddly enough, though, Nicki is the one having a hard time with it. And then Emily makes some sort of cheesecake reference. Never joke about cheesecake, my friend.
Lindzi gets taken away via helicopter. I’ve already worn that out, so I’ll give it a rest now. Ben explains this blue hole to her. She is terrified of course because ABC magically nails everyone’s biggest fears. When will these girls learn to opt out of that question in the screening process. So after they smooch a bit, the helicopter lowers them to the water. Our sweet Lindzi eloquently expressed her fear of this leap by exclaiming “holy bleep balls.” Michelle giggles. No, I don’t know why I’m referring to myself in third person. As soon as they hit the water, a mysterious boat appears. Man all of this coincidental timing is really working out for them.
The evening brings floating lanterns, a picnic on the dock, a peach dress & a peaceful night.
Back at the resort, Courtney continues to claw her way under everyone’s skin. The date card comes and Emily gets it. “Do you Belize in love” Courtney’s interview reveals her already obvious insecurity that she attempts to cover up with her evil ways. It’s not too often I take comfort in the pain of others, but in this case - I love it! 
Lindzi, hair looking ever so disheveled, expresses her desire for him to meet her parents. Then they have a check yes or no moment with their note writing. George Strait would be proud. They make their way to sit on the end of the pier, empty vodka bottle in hand, to litter in the bay. Shame shame kids. And this mildly boring date comes to an end.
Emily takes off on her date and what do you know, Courtney’s interviews reveal her ongoing contempt slash jealousy for Emily. But who cares about her. As Emily’s plane lands, Ben ducks to avoid....well I’m not sure what he was trying to avoid. They hoop it up, head to the flea market for a Hello Kitty ring, then off to watch the locals with their lobster harvest. And just by chance, I mean the coincidental occurrences are just uncanny, they are able to hitch a ride out to lobster hunt. You’d think that would be exciting, but I found it underwhelming. They didn’t even have claws. What a rip off.
Again we see Courtney’s insecurities...and her crying. Seriously, I think I should feel guilty about finding pleasure in her pain. But I don’t. Take that, crazy. Don’t choke on your snot.
Back to the evening portion of Emily’s date. She tries to rectify the tense moments from the past. She extends a formal invitation for him to come home with her. Ben stumbles over words and talks about her brains, then her beauty, then the chatting, then he leans in for a kiss. I’m all for the sweet kissing scene, but do we REALLY have to see tongue wrestling? Eww.
Back at the house we are still listening to Courtney whine about not getting a date. And just by coincidence (catching the theme here?), she gets the date card. “Let’s take the next steps in our relationship” 
Courtney: Ohhhh snap. I told you suckers I’d get it. It’s about time. Woohoo. That’s exciting. See, I told you so. He knows what’s good for him. Snap. Eat it stupid girls! I hate you all.
I don’t think I even have to put a response on paper. Hope she doesn’t choke on the tarantulas.
Yet another date arrives on a paper airplane. Ben takes her through the forest and stumbles upon a Mayan temple. Purely coincidental. They climb to the top for a picnic. They sit and sweat as she lets him know she was prepared to dump him if she hadn’t gotten her way... I mean... a date. 
The other girls are finally figuring out what a black widow this woman is. They predict she’ll dig her own grave.
Back atop the temple, Ben talks about wanting a girl with edge. A girl that’s weird. A girl that’s nicely unique. By that does he mean evil, selfish & insecure? Anyhoo, they climb on up to the top with their bottle of - well I’m not sure. Is it beer? Is it wine? Is it moonshine? A urine sample, maybe?
Ben: Oh my Dad. That’s what I say. I feel closer to him than ever.
Courtney: Like do I look like I care?
Ben: My bad. I should’ve known you don’t like talking about things other than yourself.
Courtney: Snap.
Ben: Have you re-found the spark?
Courtney: Yes and like I’m going to like use it to like light Emily’s hair like on fire.
Ben: Will there be marshmallows?
Courtney: Yep. And there’ll be like an entourage of people waiting to like reassure me of like my undying beauty.
Ben: Great. So I’m off the hook for a little while.
Courtney: Like yep. And like snappity snap oh snap.
Evening dinner talk consisted of awkward moments. Moments I found difficult to watch. After her string of sentence fragments ending in something about keeping the ball going, they move on to family talk. She spews another string of sentence fragments with about 38 likes thrown in. Then he leans in for a kiss and she pulls away. He leans in for another and she pulls away again. Then comes about the most interesting interview clip yet. Snap girls. Pack your bags. Show’s over. [Insert air gun shooting here] Pshew Pshew... pshew pshew pshew. Killshot. I don’t wanna get cocky though.
Huh? Seriously, what?
Group date. Rachel, Nicki, Kacie. “Let’s sea whose family I will meet” I’m so glad these girls are finally seeing Courtney’s true colors. Black black and black.
Courtney rambles at dinner about how nobody ever asks her about her life. Ummm because nobody gives a rip. Then she says she’s bored by these vanilla girls. Ummm she’s bored because everything the intelligent girls say goes straight over her head. Then she brags about all of her guy friends. Red flag! She isn’t impressed by these girls and their big words and their complete sentences and their articulation.
Ben gets the girls up at the crack of dawn for their date. Sleepy eyes, dry shaving of arm pits (ouch), morning breath, oh the glories of pre-dawn wakeup calls. They set sail for some mimosas and shark diving. What’s this I hear? Twilight’s biggest fear is sharks? ABC execs are so smart! But I’m not impressed by these vanilla executive types. I mean, they haven’t ever even called me to ask my opinion on casting. I’ve tried and tried to win them over but they just don’t care. I’m telling Ben about this.
Rachel gets a lot of time while shark diving. She gets even more time when they get back to the resort to sip on pina coladas. As she talks about her family, he is distracted by the sun reflecting off of her nose ring. He leans in for a kiss to make the talking stop. Nicki gets some time of her own next. She is happy to proclaim she loves him. Then she goes off to spread the word to the sea shells, the palm trees & the bleeping ocean. Kacie finally gets some alone time in the hot tub. Although I’m not quite sure what they were talking about because I was assessing the   enormity of the floral mess protruding from her ear. It must have been great conversation, though, because she got the rose. Now maybe she’ll throw away that peculiar tropical flower that has now migrated to the back of her hair. The girls jump in there with some information about Courtney. Info that a normal person would take to heart. But not Ben. His schizo radar is completely broken. What has happened to our sweet winemaker from Sonoma? Or is it San Fran? Why am I rapidly losing respect for him? Well I guess I know why. It’s just a hard pill to swallow.
Pre-rose ceremony, the girls sit and chat about the seriousness of the night. Well all of the girls except the one talking baby talk to her tiny umbrella. Everyone with a brain is nervous about the situation. 
The rose ceremony begins and Ben pulls Courtney aside. In that moment, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought yep this is it. He questions her about her behavior. She justifies everything. The other girls speculate on what’s going on. Courtney comes bouncing back like she’s won the lottery. Still, he gives the first rose to Nicki. So happy about this one. Next, Lindzi. She gives us the weekly shoulder shrug. Sweet. The final rose goes to Courtney. He can’t wait for the overnight dates. That’s the only explanation for this. She takes her ants-in-the-pants skip to claim the rose and then to reclaim her spot. She shoves her nose in her rose - oh look I made a rhyme - to throw some salt in Emily’s wound. Rachel doesn’t even get walked out. She seems distraught. She better watch all of that sobbing. That nose ring might catch some unsavory things on their way out. Emily keeps her cool and exits in a dignified manner. Another blonde bites the dust. Good luck next week, Lindzi. The last blonde standing. By the way, I sure hope Ben is watching now and seeing all of these hateful things Courtney is doing and say for the camera. Despicable.
Next week, hometowns. The families seem fairly well-rounded.  Courtney has some sort of makeshift wedding scenario set up in the back yard, complete with ivy and lattice. A family dinner complete with a creepy looking sister with two-toned hair and a creepy old man philosophizing about love and marriage and Las Vegas....or something like that.
Oddly, the show’s editors save the most entertaining portion of each episode for the final 20 seconds of the show. This time - a tarantula crawling up Courtney’s arm. Why not something more interesting than a big spider? Where are the velociraptors when you need them? Ohhh snap. Pshew pshew.
And just in case you don’t know what a killshot looks like, here’s your demonstration. You're welcome.


 Until next week, friends.

And I Was All Like Whaaaa?!?!

CAN'T.BELIEVE.SHE.DIDN'T.GO.HOME


I'll have my recap up this evening. However, until then I have some questions for you to ponder...


1) Why is Ben weeding out the blondes?


2) Who says oh snap anymore?


3) Aren't the words "I have lots of guy friends" code for I don't get along well with women?


4) Who lets a tarantula crawl around on their body as if it were cute little baby bunny rabbit?


5) And THE MOST important question of all: When did Ben the charming winemaker transform into an idiot horndog being guided by a certain appendage? That last part stems from the fact that I truly believe he is keeping Courtney and her weird lip around for overnights.


And yet another unflattering pic to enjoy:


And a pic that brings me to my knees in sorrow. How did she land a date with Jesse? Will I still be a fan of his (see Eye Candy post)? I'll have to think about it!


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Episode 6 - Creepers, Loin Cloths and 2b 2gether 4ever


First, I must say I am happy to have gone all day without hearing any details about last night’s episode. I stayed off of facebook, I didn’t turn on a TV, I even asked a fellow Bachelor watcher to keep her Bachelor talk to herself today. Yipee! I made it through the day without a spoiler!
Opening scene - Panama City. Some lovely landscape, some concrete jungle, lots of tall buildings & some happy girls. They pull up to their digs for the week. Peculiar shaped building, don’t ya think? Last week, the Piragua/snow cone. This week, Trump Ocean Club. I sense a theme. Courtney is already talking about skinny dipping. SHOCKKKKKERRRRR. 
Ben galavants about PC in his jacked up Jeep. Hmm. He, as opposed to our charming host, explains the dates this week. Finally! A two-on-one. I love those!
Before they find out the date situation, Blakeley sits and wishes for a long-awaited one-on-one. I find myself pulling for her. By the way where IS Chris, anyway?
First date. Kacie B. “Will our love survive? Pack three things.” Interjection: Loving the red Chuck Taylor’s. Courtney, poor insecure heartless spiteful Courtney, is showing her colors already. Although I have to give her props for her statistics lesson. She informs us that Kacie’s date could go one of two ways. Either Kacie stays or Kacie goes. Good thing she told us that! Wonder if she’ll also let us know what happens when you flip a coin. Bet she could help us work some lines in Vegas.
Kacie gets a heli ride... straight to an uninhabited island. Hello Gilligan! Kacie pulls out her bag of tricks. Ben pulls out his kidnapper’s survival kit. I guess the Skipper left them the wine and glasses. Benny uses the machete to butcher Wilson’s friend the coconut. Our host Jeff Probst...oh wait, wrong show. Anyway, the professor finally breaks open the coconut. He and MaryAnn netted a fish, which the ABC interns baked for them. They drank pina coladas from a coconut. And they held on to that one lone Fedex package addressed to Thurston Howell. Oh wait...wrong show again.
Night falls. They take solace in a dinner table and pleasant conversation on dry land. 
Date card: “Let’s Get Lost.” Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S, Courtney, Jamie. They all pretend to be excited about the group date. That leaves Rachel and Blakeley for the final date. Blakeley is oddly pumped about it, while it’s Rachel’s nightmare. I would say some confidence - and lack thereof - are definitely coming in to play here. I am personally stoked about it.
Back to the date. By now they are sweating profusely. Kacie’s hair is starting its thing. Ben’s face is fire engine red and his hair is sticking to his forehead. At this point he’s tired of talking and he’s over the 120 degree patio, so he gives her the rose and takes off to find the air conditioner.
Group date on a muddy river. Apparently, someone sent a memo that said wear your shortest shorts. Ok, I am someone who would love to travel the world (or most of it anyway) and experience all it has to offer. But a date in a floating, well let’s just say Piragua, is not my thing. So they pull up to this steep muddy bank where little boys are playing soccer in their little loin cloths. Ben and his girls creep up the bank to search for the fleeing boys. Where I come from, that’s called stalking. All of the sudden the half naked village comes out to greet them. Lindzi points out the language barrier. I was astonished that Emily didn’t bust out her Rosetta Stone skills she had on display last week. But sadly, we are left to wonder what the natives were saying. Although I’m thinking they were speculating on the loose girl with the weird lip who went commando up top. Then she shook “them” in front of the little boys. So now we’ve went from stalker to pedophile. Anyhoo, they move on to body painting. B plus C equals heart. Aww how sweet...in a 12 year old Strawberry Shortcake notebook kind of way. Next, tribal dancing. If you still have this episode DVR’d, please tell me what is going on with Ben’s loin cloth in the back as he dances with Courtney. The vixen pulls a line from My Best Friend’s Wedding and proclaims she’s got moves he’s never seen before. How very unoriginal of her. And finally, the worst date ever comes to an end. The evening brings a dry patio. Lindzi pulls him aside and brushes back her dress to reveal her floral bikini top. I lost just a bit of respect in that moment. After all, didn’t our resident freak do that last week? It gets her a look and a kiss from Benny-boo, so whatever.
Back at kitty towers, the date card arrives. We already know the who. Now we find out the what. “Save the Last Dance For Me.” And in a twist, a second card. “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” Blakeley continues her confidence while Rachel becomes increasingly put off by it.
On the patio, Ben steals Courtney and she thinks someone needs to call the authorities. She then informs him she’s in room 1611. That’s sixteen, carry the two, eleven. Thanks for that math lesson, Ben. Go to Vegas with Courtney to help her with the over/unders. But I digress. Jamie is jonesing for some lip action so she pulls him aside to reassure him of her attraction to him. In the background, a strumpet in a white string bikini steps up her tart game and tantalizes him from afar. Nice. And by nice I mean tacky. That’s T - A - C - K - Y. If I didn’t feel contempt for her before, I certainly would now. The distraction set in and poor Jamie didn’t get her kiss. Grrrr. Emily’s turn for some alone chat. They get back on track. Yay the tides have turned and Emily is focusing on herself rather than crazy girl. She issues an apology to weird lip and all she gets in return is some snarky comments about not forgiving and forgetting. Wow. So not only did Emily redeem herself (bazinga), she also inadvertently exposed the side of Courtney she’d been hiding so well. Double bazinga! And the icing on the cake - he didn’t show up in room 1611 for the ole BC! Triple bazinga, yo!
Two-on-one time. Rachel has on some hot shorty shorts and strappy heels. Did Blakeley really wear a v-neck balloon romper. Oh no she didn't. Girl, please call Brad Goreski next time. Salsa dancing. Aces. Pink is definitely my favorite color, but that dress was a little... uhhh... Hello Kitty. Rachel’s blue dress, on the other hand - so cute. Speaking of Twilight, she was feeling pretty good when she had the dance. But the second she was on the sidelines, she began to crumble. Apparently her over the top bangs and 27 pieces of ear and nose metal weren’t enough to keep her confidence up. Blakeley’s sexiness is apparently more than he-woman can take. So that awkwardness ends and they commence to Las Clementinas where more awkwardness ensues. Rachel gets her alone time which seemed a little less than romantic. Blakeley shows him her scrapbook de Ben. But ultimately it wasn’t enough to win the rose. She storms off, he catches her, he gives her a speech that doesn’t quite secure the bandaid in place, he makes her tackle a downhill walk on cobblestone in heels, puss in boots watches. Overall a bummer of a night. And just as I was feeling a connection with our VIP cocktail waitress, poof she’s gone.
Back at the tower, we finally lay eyes on Chris for the first time. Where HAS he been? He asks to speak to Casey privately. They head outside for a heart to heart. Apparently Chris has talked to her “ex,” Michael. Do they live together? Not live together? Are they still involved? Not still involved? Thank you Casey for not clearing anything up except that you are still in love with him kinda sorta, and that you just want to be with someone who will marry you even if that means someone besides your true love. Chris calls for a confession to Ben. That leads to a long ride to the airport in a mini-van, sobbing all the way. Back home to deal with her issues. My opinion: she was sobbing for Michael, not for Ben. Either way, good riddance. Maybe your pal Courtney will join you at the airport!
At the cocktail party, its dog eat dog. The girls are pawing at him and making all sorts of moves on him. Jamie busts out her inner Mae West and starts throwing around some wild innuendoes and flirtatious remarks. She jumps atop him, almost rips her dress in the process, and giggle kisses him. After a none too graceful dismount, she plans out every step of an impending kiss. That was seriously the most awkward kiss I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I literally felt sorry for her. WHAT was she thinking. I was so uncomfortable even watching it. I literally said - out loud - WHAT IS THIS?! It was clumsy, gawky and just plain painful to watch. My eyes! My eyes! Bless her heart.
Rose recipients for this odd evening:
Nicki - Woohoo.
Courtney - No words. There are just no words.
Emily - The look on Courtney’s face. Sweet.
It’s goodbye to Jamie. What a catch. She let her nerves get the best of her. She’ll make some lucky man very happy someday, even with the giggle kissing.
Next week - Belize. Beautiful landscape. Fun dates. And the best part? Courtney might be in trouble. Yeah yeah yeah, creative editing can make us believe whatever they want us to believe. But I’m holding out hope that he finally sees her for what she is. I’m going to be nice and not use the kind of language that would fittingly describe her. You know the saying, if you don’t have anything good to say....
Thank you Emily for providing us with some more white girl rapping. Stellar performance. Well, comical anyway.
Until next week, here’s hoping weird lip gets the ax! Cross your fingers, people. Cross them tightly. I leave you with this. Courtney in her comfort zone...


A Bachelor First

Good morning. For the first time ever, I did not watch The Bachelor in primetime. I was asleep at 6:45. Yes, you heard me. I fell asleep before 7pm. Therefore I was visiting Sandman while the drama was going down. Bachelor blogger fail. Ahh but take heed, my loyal readers. For I WILL watch as soon as I get home today. And I WILL post a blog tonight. Be on the lookout.


Until then, have a lovely day!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow

What to say about this week's sweet style. What to say. So much mix & match potential. So bright and lovely. So Easter-ish. With spring in the air, I'm ready to go big and go bright. The way I do it this week is to go black and yellow. Uh-huh. You know what it is.
Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow

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