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Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Creepy Eyes And A Sobbing Kardashian

Ok, so, first things first. (Did you just say “I’m the realist” in your head?) Let me rewind a little and tell you why I’ve been MIA...

A few weeks ago, I got super sick.
A few days later, had a setback.
Started to feel somewhat better.
Grandpa died.
Had another setback.
Started feeling better... again.
Had other catchup work (house work, work work, you know) that consumed my time, along with social things. Fast forward to today. I’m picking up on a blog I started 3 weeks ago, and again the next week, and again last week, but clearly didn't finish any of them. So, here I am. Finally playing catchup. The fun kind of catch up work. Blog catch up. So first, rather than doling out a full recap of episodes that are now history, I’ll just share a few thoughts about the episodes I didn’t blog about. Then a full blog of last night’s episode. Whew, buckle up because here we go.

First of all, THANK YOU Bachelor for the dose of Kimmel! What a nice way to start my Bachelor binge watching. Some thoughts on the Kimmel episode...
  1. When Kaitlyn’s date card mentioned joining an exclusive club, did anyone else think it might have something to do with a vertical mile?
  2. Why would you plan dates around bulk warehouse shopping and farm animals?
  3. Why, oh WHY, would he choose baby talker as his one-on-one? Does he not care that I will wilt if I have to hear that voice much longer?
  4. Does Jillian own clothing that doesn’t require the TV censoring people to work overtime on the little black boxes?
  5. Do these girls EVERRRR take notes from seasons past? Bachelor 101: NEVER whine about other contestants. Ever. Like ever.
  6. Has Jimmy Kimmel ever been cooler?

    After watching that one, I’m in desperate need of a little bit of spice. Moving on to 2 weeks ago...
    1. Did I see see our resident Kardashian (or Vardashian, if ya know what I mean) asking for hair extension help from our resident frizzola?
    2. Is it just me or are unbuttoned jorts annoying?
    3. Again, see previous #4.
    4. As much as I have resisted liking Carly, she is looking for a man just like her grandpa. I relate. I like.
    5. Ashley S. Ummm. Yeah. Her. What do you say. Nothing. I have nothing.
    6. Ashley I. Ummm. Hot mess much.
    7. Jade. Her. Perfection.
    8. Obstacle courses with big balls make me laugh. And by obstacle course, I may or may not mean Jillian.
    9. Britt. See last week’s #5.
    10. I would conclude with a comment about crazy girl’s exit. But I have... nothing.

    Last week’s episode leaves with me only a couple of thoughts...
    1. Megan. Bless her dumb little sombrero-wearin’ heart, y’all. I’m so glad she finally got to go out of the country, though.
    2. Note to self: do NOT visit a love guru.
    3. Note to Bachelor contestants: always sleep with breath strips under your pillow.

    And finally, to get back on track, a semi-full recap!

    FIRST OFF,  a panic attack? Ok, yeah, and two girls in the house still carry a V card. Okayyyy. It's believable, right? Thanks for shedding a little light on it, Kaitlyn. Bleeps be crazy.

    As the rose ceremony begins, Chris engages in one of my biggest pet peeves. He actually said he couldn’t give 110% of himself. Seriously, Chris. Don’t say that in this context. It is IMPOSSIBLE to give more than 100% of yourself, your effort, your emotion, yada yada yada. So stop it!

    Jade gets the first rose, which is great news. But better than that, afterward my 8 year old asks, “mama, has anyone ever said no when they asked ‘will you accept this rose’?” My thought was, "no, baby, then they'd miss out on their fifteen minutes of fame true love." Then it’s Kaitlyn, Becca, Megan and her minuscule IQ, Ashley and her... well her everything, and Kelsey and her crazy. Someone had to fill in where Ashley S. left off. And just when Mackenzie’s hair started to look normalish, he sends her home. Thanks a lot, farm boy. And we also lose Samantha... or at least I think that was her name. Who knows.

    They’re off to Deadwood, South Dakota. Deadwood? Hey, remember that time Ashley I. told Chris she still has her purity flower? Oh, never mind.

    Ok, so about the girlie pow wow where Kelsey was called out. I honestly don’t know what to think. Dead husband. Panic attack. Above average intelligence. Innocent delusions. What the crap. If she did have a husband and if he did indeed suddenly drop dead on a sidewalk, shouldn’t we test his Gatorade for antifreeze? Yeah, I watch Dateline. I know stuff.

    As Chris and Becca make goo goo eyes and fall deeply for one another as she tries to figure out how to perform G-rated kissing so daddy won’t stroke out, the group date card arrives for the other girls. Baby-talker, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, annnnddddd Megan. So for the dreaded two-on-one, that leaves Ashley I. and Kelsey. Crazy and crazier. Should be interesting to watch the cat fight go down while Kelsey most likely cackles.

    The group goes to visit the wild wild west and make country music. This makes Megan feel right at home. You know, back in the good ole U S of A. She feels at home even though they are technically still in Mexico, or is it New Mexico, or Old Mexico, or South Mexico, no South Dakota, yeah that’s it. Is that a Canadian province? Kudos to the girls that got up there and sang even though they clearly sound like herniating cats.

    The date card arrives and gives Kelsey the opportunity to display her vast array of knowledge about the Badlands. The other girls can only WISH they were as worldly and wise as the cultured Kelsey the guidance counselor. Who does she counsel exactly? Farm boys who like girls who save horses, maybe. Or girls who get ditched on group dates by farm boys with a thing for girls who are never seen without makeup... or extensions.

    Finally comes the first two-on-one of the season. These two crazies are going to make this one interesting, I just know it! My only hope is that they BOTH go home.

    I’m taking bets on how long our over-qualified guidance counselor has waited to use a word like pragmatic. Gee whiz, bubba, I sure wishes I’z as smart as that thar Kelsey. Creepy, super-weird, sociopathic, monotone Kelsey. Even though team Kardashian was the lesser of two evils, her time is up. And she ugly cries all the way across the Badlands, while Kelsey auditions for the next Lifetime movie. But the bright spot, Chris granted my wish. Thank you, farm boy. This is a gratifying moment for this Arkansas gal. If she’d stayed, I’d have needed to ask for the number of a good guidance counselor. How'bout them Badlands now, wacko.

    And once again, we are left hanging. No rose ceremony. As if we need reason to watch next week!

    But finally, I’m back at it. My apologies for my absence. Although I sure am glad my lovely readers are loyal enough to forgive me. Until next time, I leave you with this. Somebody’s watching you. You’re welcome.

    Wednesday, January 14, 2015

    The Happy Birthday Hubby Post

    Simple disclaimer: If you are not into the whole gushing-over-a-wonderful-spouse thing, I strongly suggest you forgo reading the following, as it may contain content not suitable for those easily irritated by mushy posts.

    I don’t often publicly sing the praises of my wonderful husband, nor do I often engage in the overall gushing over the great man who I am lucky enough to be spending my life with. However, today is his birthday and I find it appropriate to do such. It is almost unfair of me not to occasionally gush and be sentimental. Not only do I want to wish my one true love a super happy birthday but I also want to share with others what a genuinely great man he is. Those who know him (especially those who know him best) are well aware that he is kind, easy-going, positive, funny, sensitive and compassionate, among other things. But it goes much deeper than that. He is a man of great character. He is a Godly man. He is loyal. He is trustworthy. He is intelligent. He is wise. He is thoughtful. He is dependable. He loves his friends. He loves his family. But most of all he loves his children and his wife. He loves us more than life itself. I know that sounds clich√© but it is the truth. His love for us is immeasurable. Growing up, and as a young adult, I hoped and prayed I’d find a man who would be a great father and a great husband. I found that man. It is almost surreal how perfect he is for me, actually. Nobody is a perfect person, that just doesn’t exist. But let me be clear, he is the perfect man for me. I am a handful, and I sometimes give him a run for his money. But he is patient, he is forgiving, and he knows that I love him even at my worst. He overlooks my “moments” and is waiting to hug me when I calm down from those moments. He caters to my every need, and to as many of my wants as he is able to. He cooks, very excellently. He cleans, even though his definition of clean sometimes slightly differs from mine. He does laundry... except when I tell him not to ;) . He sometimes brings me breakfast in bed. He lays a blanket on me and kisses my forehead when I’m cold, tired or I just do not feel the greatest. When I am sick he nurses me back to health. And he does all of that without being asked to. He makes me feel loved at all times, even when I don’t feel lovable. He is affectionate. He tells me I’m beautiful. He compliments me always. He kisses me before work, he kisses me after work. He tells me he loves me every time we part ways, every time we talk on the phone, every night, every morning... there is never a time I doubt his love. He doesn’t just say it, he shows it every day of his life, in all of the things he does for me. I do not think I deserve such a great man but I try to let him know how thankful I am for him. I love him more than words could ever express. Sometimes I am too dependent on him but he never complains, and I do mean never. We argue, sometimes passionately. We are normal in that way. But admittedly, it is usually because I started it, and I am usually the one arguing passionately. I don’t always admit to that, but I do instigate most (if not all) of it. Luckily, he finds a way to calm me down. He waits patiently for me to get over whatever I’m wound up about. He could easily react in a harsh way but he doesn’t. It’s just not in his nature.

    Why am I publicly gushing like this, you may wonder? Because I never do, and because I am feeling especially thankful today. Thankful for my husband and my life. Thankful that I look forward to date night as much now as ever. Thankful that I get excited to see him after a long day. Thankful that I am attracted to him as much now (if not more!) as when our love was new. Thankful that we have so much fun together. Thankful for all of that and more. I feel like people don’t want to hear that stuff, at least not on social media. Therefore, I very rarely gush about such things. That is why I am blogging about it instead of putting it on Facebook. I want to talk about it. I want to sing his praises. I want others to know what a great man he is. But I won’t force it onto anyone’s newsfeed. If you have taken the time to click the link to this blog post, and if you are still reading, you probably love love. I most certainly do. I love love. And I love my husband. He is the greatest man I know. He was raised by a great man who showed him how to be a great man, and for that I am thankful. And I am thankful he is putting forth the same example to our sons. I can only hope they are the husband to their wives that their dad is to me.

    I do apologize if this has made you a little nauseated, or if it has given you a cavity. I am at home and sick for the third day in a row and writing is the only thing I am able to physically do, so I may have written in excess. I realize this all may sound as if I’m trying to paint a picture of perfection. That is not my intention. Nothing in life is perfect. But some things seem pretty darn close. My husband is one of those things, in my opinion. I am fully aware there are cynics who might criticize this post. That may be because there are instances where people gush to overcompensate for a weakness. We’ve all seen it. But I happily say that is not the case here. I just plain old love my husband, and he just plain old loves me. It's as simple as that. And it is an added bonus that he is smokin' hott. We have a simple life and a great love. Period. Happy birthday, baby. Thanks for being you!!

    Tuesday, January 13, 2015

    Boom, Twerk, And A WHOLE Lotta Kookoo

    I believe last time I spoke I was predicting the departure of Kimberly and her downward dog. But alas, I eat crow. It seems she worked her charm, and other assets, to worm her way back in. I do believe this is a first for me. I’ve never seen this happen. I’m going to take that as a sign that farmer Chris doesn’t always play by the book. Should make for an interesting twist! I have no problem with her staying. The ladies, on the other hand, are burning their yoga mats.

    The episode begins with a double-Chris pow-wow while the girls nurse what I can only assume are raging hangovers. Ahh but they power through when the date card is laid out. Like dogs in heat, they grab away. I’m pretty sure someone drew back a bloody nub during grabfest 2015.

    The first group date goes to: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara... “Show me your country.” Whatever that means.

    The girls head off to Ten Ten Wilshire to a rooftop where a pool awaits. It doesn’t take this guy long to get them in bikinis. SEE! I told you he wanted to check out the goods on Kimberly. I gotta say, though, I see a little bit of a red flag given the urgency of a pool party. However, it’s too early for me to be so presumptuous. So I’ll continue on without a jaded opinion.

    Jillian and Megan sneak off to check out Chris’ pad. Number one: did Jillian leave part of her bikini bottom at home? Number two: Megan in the helmet. Never mind.

    Someone please tell me why Chris is parading these girls around LA in bikinis. I’m so confused. And to add insult to they have to board their Kubotas in hopes of their butt cheeks not sticking to the seat? Insulting at best. C’mon Chris. Who was your Bachelor mentor, Juan Pablo? Jake the snake?

    Oh my gosh why is there always a gut-wrenching life story that tugs at every heart string I have! I just hope our friend Jew-eee-lee-uh turns out to be a good one.

    It is no secret that I am NOT digging this grouper. Bikini tractor races? Hay bails in the streets. As if the tractor seat didn’t wreak enough havoc on random body parts, now they have to sit on hay, too? Makes me itch just thinking about it.

    Oh Mackenzie. Dear, sweet, fuzzy-headed, extra-terrestrial Mackenzie. Earring holes. Nose size. Aliens. Those might not be conversation topics of choice for a first date... or a tenth date. As she reveals that it has been a year since she’s been on a date, I can almost hear a collective gasp of shock coming from living rooms around the country. Who knew. She doesn’t seem out of practice or anything. I mean, don’t all women tell a dude he has a big nose on a first date. But it got her a rose, so whatever.

    Date card time! Megan, “Love is a natural wonder.” Megan. Darlin’. It’s a date card. Please abandon the Taylor Swift circa 2011 shocked face. And you’re a makeup artist. Why are you? Anyhoo, she does eventually put on makeup for her date interview. Again I say... you’re a makeup artist. Why did you? But bless her. The story of her dad. I wish she wouldn’t have told that so that I could feel more comfortable expressing my opinion of her. But I won’t. She gets a rose. That is all I have.

    Another date card arrives. Yippee! Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, Britt. “Til death do us part.” Oh this oughtta be good!! Real good.

    I would comment on the difference in Jillian’s face with and without makeup if I weren’t scared she’d hunt me down and throat punch me. But the date is in the dark, so it’s neither here nor there. So the limo pulls up to something out of the Thriller video, zombie-like creatures surrounding the car and scaring the living ghost turds out of the girls. CHRIS?! What in Stephen King’s name are you thinking?! You suck at dates. And why is Ashley S. giving the paintball tutorial. I guess she’s an expert at balls. Paint balls, that is. Be careful people, she steals pomegranates. And she’ll shoot your eye out. Seriously. She will. The crazy biznatch is busting balls left and right. Again, I’m referring to paint balls. I might be more scared of her than of Jillian.

    Back at the house, Mackenzie, Jordan and Megan entertain themselves by implementing makeup tips given to them by our Nashvegas makeup artist. All while Jordan supplies a drunken twerking lesson. Careful, girlfriend, you’re gonna break something. I’m sorry to those offended by her but can we just say HI-lar-i-ous! Weed wacker? Classic! Sorry, Jillian, the whole country is getting a laugh at your expense. Or shall I say at the expense of your hairy butt. Jordan, you go girl.

    Meanwhile, the class crazy continues to stun. Boom. That’s how she feels. Like, boom. And she wants to hide. Hide what, honey? Hide-n-go-seek? Hide the pickle? Hide your crazy? Hide your mysterious silver toy? I just know his leather smells really great. I wonder what her pill bottle smells like. Maybe we’ll find out when she appears on an episode of Snapped.

    Remember THIS? Yeah, don't we all.

    Britt continues her run as resident charmer. I still love her. Becca too. But Kaitlyn gets the rose, which makes me super happy. I am convinced there is more to come in the way of humor à la Kaitlyn. Never mind that she isn't suited for Chris. She's funny.

    During the cocktail party, Ashley I. claims she still carries the V card. Ummm. Yeah, I call BS. She’s 26, people. She gorgeous. She’s... she’s... she’s... well, she’s not that. No way. After that belly button thing, and that makeout sesh, NO. Just no.

    You know who else says no to the making out? Britt. She doesn’t approve. One of my biggest peeves is the girl who decides to all of a sudden be upset when she realizes other girls are kissing the same guy she’s kissing. Lame. It’s Bachelor! Put your big girl panties on, sister.

    Poor little Jordan. She’s wasted again. Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places. Honnn-ney. Fix your hair. Stop with the duck faces. Stop shoving his hand in your lap. Stop making out with the camera. Stop. Just stop. Somebody get that girl some coffee.

    As the rose ceremony loomed, I was truly feeling it was about to be one of the more predictable ones in Bachelor history. Honestly, though, I’d rather him send home the sober boring ones than the drunken funny ones.

    Roses go to:
    Britt - Well, of course. I mean. It’s Britt!
    Ashley I. - He gives her a flower literally, hoping to take it back figuratively.
    Trina - She expresses her deepest thanksssssss.
    Kelsey - Eh.
    Samantha - Who?
    Juelia, no not you Jillian - Hey can you fix that rug on your way back?
    Amber - Uh.
    Tracy - Why are there so many I still don’t know.
    Jillian - Saunter down very carefully, sweetie.
    Jade - Yeah, I don’t know enough about you either.
    Nikki - Ditto.
    Becca - Yay!
    Carly - Was she in this episode? In other news, here’s a fun fact, courtesy of my sis-in-law: she is the sister of Zak W. from Des’ season.
    Whitney - Oh my gaw. I’m over it.
    Ashley S. - I’m sure this makes her feel all like boom clap inside. Like you know, when a slice of pizza plays checkers and the moon smells like Nutella. Boom. Are you hiding? That’s what I mean.

    Goodbye to:
    Alissa - No big loss. Besides, I’m sure someone was kind enough to give her plastic wings and a bag of peanuts on her way out.
    Jordan - I’m pretty sure she almost licked his face.
    Kimberly... again - Namaste for real.
    Tara - And she wasn’t even trashed this time. Didn’t stop her slobbery pity party, though.

    Well, not as predictable as I thought. But over, nonetheless. And not very pretty. Next time, can we please see the rug trick again? Pretty please.

    Now, let’s look forward to a little Kimmel next week! That’s all, folks!

    Tuesday, January 6, 2015

    Love Is Like A Box Of Farming

    First off, why has it taken so long for this glorious show to become a red carpet event??

    Secondly, I'm baaaa-aaackkkk. For those of you who have been readers in past seasons, I apologize for my hiatus. I haven't been very blog-loyal the past few seasons. I hope this is the beginning of a new loyalty.

    According to Chris, love is a lot like farming... screw the box of chocolates, right?

    Six minutes in and already a topless man? Wait! It’s the beefed up kinda-creepy Cody. I’m out. Brad, where are you when we need you?! Roberto? Anyone?

    Sean and Katherine are on the scene. Harrison refers to them as one of the most beloved couples? Ok. I miss the Aly/Roberto days. I gotta admit, I’m a little thankful that there’s a darker shade of facial hair going on with our pal Sean, though. You remember, right?

    My oh my... Bachelor in Paradise. Did I watch? Yes. Did I love? No. Did I somewhat enjoy? Mmmm, ok I’ll give you that one. Marcus I love love love. Ole what’s-her-face (yeah yeah, I know it’s Andi. I just don’t like saying her name) missed out by dumping him. And Lacy? Harumph. Didn’t like her on whichever season she was on for a hot minute. Liked her even less on BIP. Can’t stand her face now. Or her math skills. 80/40?? Oh honey! Let me enroll you in a mediocre juco and see what happens.

    First up is Britt from Hollywood. Pretty girl. Plus she gives free hugs.

    Jillian from DC might be a handful. But I’m gonna choose my words wisely because she may or may not be able to whip my butt. Ok, she could. I accept this.

    Amanda from Illinois. I think I’d like to refer to her as twinkle toes... or maybe potty mouth is more appropriate. Seems our prima ballerina left her class (and her dignity) back at the studio. But she didn’t leave her gigantic eyes at home. Puss in boots, much?

    Whitney from Chicago. Is she for real. Seriously, folks. IS. THAT. VOICE. FOR. REAL?! Oh dear baby cheeses I need her to be sent home very soon.

    Mackenzie from somewhere, Washington. Well she has an adorable kid, so brownie points there. But lawwwwrrrrrddddd that hair. Baby doll, can you grab a Chi next time you’re at the JCPenney hair salon.

    Alissa the cheesy Jersey girl flight attendant. Ummm, I think not. Sorry mile-high people. I’m not on board with this one.

    Kelsey the short-haired counselor. At first sight, I thought no. Cute hair but I don't know that it's working for her. But then something happened. I think I’m gonna like this one.

    Can I just say the red carpet stuff is about to bore me to tears. Yeah yeah, I know what I said earlier. In my defense, it doesn’t help having to see Andi again with her fake beau. It just sortof adds insult to injury. And did she REALLY say she would’ve gone to Iowa under the right circumstances. Sorry, Josh. I guess you’re the consolation prize. No worries, though. She's no prize, herself.

    Someone please tell me why we had to hear from Nikki and her Tammy Wynette channeling? Stand by your man, stand by your shman. Suck it, Nikki. He was a... well, he was lots of things. And since I try to keep this blog somewhat G-rated, I won’t divulge in any vulgar name-calling. I just don’t understand why she is treading water trying not to step on Juan Pablo’s toes. Sheesh, woman, step on them!! Tell the world what you really think. We think it too honey, we think it too.

    After that walk down memory lane, it’s finally time to meet what is bound to be the craziest crop of losers and other women on what will assuredly be the most dramatic season ever.

    And here they are, people. Get ready. Limo one arrives full of giggles, screams, and Spanx. 

    Britt, 27, Waitress - Hollywood
    Wow. Her nerves. That long hug. Oh the hug. And she comes bearing gifts... or shall I say coupons. For free hugs. I’m gonna go ahead and be ok with this one for now, though. I see the potential for just about anything.

    Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse - Chicago
    Gahhhh the shoes. I hate the yellow shoes. Loathe them entirely. The kind of loathing that might supersede my loathing for her baby-talk voice. Those of you who have read my blog know this ain’t my first rodeo with voice-hating Bachelor girls. So saddle up, this won’t be the last hatin’ I do. She can take her shoes, her voice, her peculiarly south’n accent, and her burning fertility loins on back to the windy city as far as I’m concerned.

    Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor - Austin, TX
    I still think I’ll probably like this “regular girl” in spite of my initial gut instinct.

    Megan, 24, Make-Up Artist - Nashvegas
    Bless her. I don’t know if it’s her nerves or if she’s just that dull. C’mon girlfriend, where’s your free hug gift card. Step it up, sister!

    Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist - Wayne, NJ
    Whoa mammm-maaaa! She’s a stunna. That dress, that bracelet, that hair, those teeth, she’ll probably stick around a while on looks alone. Teresa Giudice ain’t got nothin’ on this Jersey girl!

    Trina, 33, Special Ed Teacher - San Clemente, CA
    What the?! Excuse me, can I borrow those legs please? And the earrings, too. I always have a soft spot for the teachers. But the whistley S sound might, just might, get to me. I hope not, though. We’ll sssssssee.

    Reegan, 28, Donated Tissue Specialist - Manhattan Beach, CA
    Ok, so at first I was like, ‘yeah she brought a cooler. My kind of girl!’ But then I saw her profession and I became jittery. I was scared for a minute. Like, what’s in the cooler? A spleen? A big toe? A donated eyelid? Juan Pablo’s heart? WHAT IS IT! Please let it be a 6-pack instead of an organ. The suspense is killing me! Then the reveal. Ok yeah, it might as well have been a real body part because gag. Four words: is she for real. Chris’ mouth said “that’s awesome” (twice) but Chris’ body language said I can’t feel my legs.

    Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast - Ft. Lauderdale
    YESSSS baby! I am digging the cowboy boots, shorty shorts and plaid. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to see THIS outfit step out of the limo. Ride ‘em cowgirl. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’d have waited until the 2nd date for this outfit but I am loving her moxy!

    Amber, 29, Bartender - Chicago
    I’m bored.

    Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader - NYC
    I’m still bored.

    Tara again. I approve. Yep, I like the cocktail attire.

    Wierd girl with a weird note xoxo, 24, Ballet Teacher (oh yeah, her!) - Somewhere weird, IL
    I’m so overexposed at this point I can’t even look at her face... or her big eyes. Per her weird request, neither can Chris.

    Jillian, 25, News Producer - DC
    She works out. I’m still scared of her.

    Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant - Maple Valley, WA
    Still no Chi. Awkward introduction. 90s dress. Bless.

    Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist - Brooklyn, NY
    Are my eyes playing tricks on me or is she wearing Louboutins? They may or may not be originals, but they sure are hot. She, on the other hand... ruff.

    Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor - Vancouver
    Ummm, right off the bat I’m thinking she isn’t the one he needs to take home to mom. Unless he genuinely wants to plow the... well, you know the rest.

    What’s this? A break in the introductions. He walks in and it’s like a moth to a friggin flame, these girls. And lil’ Eddie got a joke to tell. Thank goodness Chris cut her off. Oh but just for a minute because as soon as he was finished with his speech, a walrus and a seal walk into a Tupperware bar. Or something like that.

    He gets a little time with Britt and they maybe almost maybe kissed?? Maybe. Almost. I don’t know, but I am liking her. That’s all.

    But then he gets cornered by miss cadaver tissue salesperson. Again, all he can say is “that’s awesome.” Chris, Chris, Chris. It’s really ok to just say, “Girl, you creepy.”

    I’m so confused about this whole first impression rose thing. Why is it out there so soon? And will there be another? Will there be more girls? Ahhhhh the stress!

    Why oh why is fertile-loins talking about making babies and inseminating pigs? WHAT is wrong with this mousy-voiced princess. I mean, I can see this girl walking around a sorority house in her bunny slippers... irritating the crap out of the cool sorority girls. I just really can’t listen to fertility talk much more before I jump through my TV and tap on her trachea until her voice deepens. By the way, who is this girl who is talking about scaling Mount Whodawhata? Seriously, honey, we get it. You went to Peru. But you’re still boring with your heart-shaped rock and all. Sorry bout'cha.

    And here we go again with the secret admirer thing. She’s waiting in the parlor with her potty mouth and her pirouettes. The best advice I can give her is not to drop what she mentioned dropping earlier. Keep them on, please.

    In spite of all of my hating, this is going to be my favorite season ever, I can already feel it. And finding out that there are indeed 15 more crazies on the prowl makes me even happier. This episode is giving me the warm fuzzies. Although, did one of them actually just call this ‘a game’? Well that may come back to bite her.

    Anyhoo, resuming introductions:

    Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer - LA
    I don’t know. I just hope she’s more exciting than she seems.

    Michelle, 25, Wedding Cake Decorator - Provo, UT
    The name alone tells me she’s bound to be cool. Right? Although, her dress wears me out.

    Juelia, 30, Esthetician - Portland, OR
    I’m really kinda over the whole flesh-colored-everything thing. I need color, people. Is that too much to ask. And the spelling of her name. I feel like enunciating. Jew-eee-lee-uh. You know. Kindof like frah-gee-lee.

    Annnnnddddd enter Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant - San Diego
    What I wouldn’t give to hear Chris make a back popping analogy reminiscent of the field plowing one from earlier. Wow. Best outfit of the night. Prettiest girl of the night. I’m in!

    Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant - Sandy, UT
    She seems fun. And she drives a bike in a cocktail dress. Yeah, I like this one. And so does Chris, considering he honks her horn. No further jokes at this time about the horn.

    Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant - Hamilton, NJ
    Her again? But that dress. Not bad. Annnnddddd scene. The seatbelt? Gurrrrlllll. Stop it. Let me show you the exits.

    Jordan, 24, Student - Windsor, CO
    Why do I think she’s a gypsy looking for a meal ticket? With her mini whiskeys and her, ummm, ?jewelry?... no.

    Petunia (well, it’s actually Nicole if you must know), 31, Real Estate Agent - Scottsdale, AZ
    A pig nose? Baby doll, no. That’s not how you get his attention. I mean, you could always “ham it up” by modeling tassels of some sort. Now THAT would get his attention, without making him crave a bacon sandwich. In my mind he said, “Dude. My dad’s a cop. This is offensive.”

    Brittany, 26, WWE Diva-in-Training - Orlando
    Hot tamale. What the crap. If someone ripped the bottom off of her dress, they did it in all the right places. This one will get his attention for sure. And she comes with her own hashtag. FINALLY...someone who knows how to use hashtags. I’m totally checking out Twitter after this is over. #Soulesmates

    Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer - Arlington, TX
    Ohmagawwww. Is she really doing what I think she's doing? Why, yes. Yes I do believe she is. All that’s missing is her Barbie. But I’m going to try not to be too mean. The girls in the house will eat her for lunch. Probably after she bursts out in song... Let it go. Let it goooo.

    Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher - Wellington, FL
    Ok, so one of my very dearest friends is a 4th grade teacher and one of the coolest girls I know, so Tracy must be cool. She’s most definitely my friend.

    Bo, 25, Plus-Size Model - Carpinteria, CA
    Kudos to her for owning her curves. But, umm, how do I say this tactfully. She might have a hint of a... well, if you’re familiar with the “I Hate Rachel” club, you can finish that one yourself. I’m sure she’s a lovely person, though.

    Kimberly, 28, Yoga Instructor - Long Island
    This girl has an excellent doctor if-ya-knowwhatimsayin. And she’s beautiful.

    Kara, 25, HS Soccer Coach - Brownsville, KY
    I don’t know about this one. And what’s with the 90s throwbacks tonight. Anyhoo, she’s pretty cheesy.

    Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer - LA
    Whoa, whoa, whoa. He’s got a cute one.

    How will he EVER choose. For the first time ever, I believe, I am unable to narrow my choices down to only a few. There is so much beauty this season. There are a few I can do without. But mostly, they are super pretty and there’s not near as much crazy as I expected... yet. But have no fear, the super ugly will start to creep in as this steal-him-away-fest continues on. And as I type, Ashley S. and her philosophical rantings about onions proves my point. And by the way, who steals a rose out of someone else’s garden and then tries to hand it off to a WWE Diva?!  A drunk girl does. That’s who. Right before she picks someone else’s pomegranate. Ok. That’s that. Speaking of drunk girls... Tara. Our resident boot scooter. Why did she go to sot-ville on the first night. I was rooting for her. But cheese and rice girlfriend, pull yourself together. Boy is the ugly rearing it’s head. But alas, it’s time for the FI rose to be handed out. And I must brag. I called it! I knew that free hug would pay off. And it came with a free kiss. Who knew. Oh, Britty Britt Britt. How I heart you.

    The rose ceremony begins and I get nervous. I do have some girls I really want to stay, and I do have a few I really want to go.

    The roses go to:
    Kaitlyn - YES! No, she’s not for Christ but I love her crazy. No worries, people, she won’t be around forever but she is sure to provide some quality entertainment while she is!
    Jade - Cute patootie. No surprise, there.
    Samantha - Who? Oh yeah. Good dress girl.
    Ashley I. - Thank you!
    Tandra - It was the horn. That’s what reeled him in.
    Nikki - Boring.
    Kelsey - Here’s your regular rose, regular girl.
    Megan - Still dull.
    Alissa - She gets to stay strapped in. Where’s my oxygen mask, I feel turbulence.
    Amber - Who is she?
    Juelia - Frah-gee-lee
    Becca - Yes sir!
    Trina - I feel the catty behavior coming on with thissss one. Look out. Thankssssssss.
    Mackenzie - Alright Annie, it’s your time to shine. Get those locks under control and show us what you’re made of. Hopefully it’s hair product.
    Tracy - I agree.
    Tara - What the what?! I sure hope she proves to be the cute cowgirl she originally showed herself to be.
    Jordan - I blame her tiny whiskeys for Tara’s behavior. I feel like they snuck off and did shots together.
    Jillian - I hope he invests in some protective gear for his nether region. You never know. I’m still scared.
    Whitney - What? Baby talking and yellow shoes? The guy clearly doesn’t have “a type”.
    Carly - Do you want to build a snowman.
    Ashley - I guess he likes onions, pomegranates and yellow roses.

    As they say goodbye, we get to see the emotions fly in the courtyard. But wait, did this party last all night? It’s sunup. Anyway. Back to the goodbyes. First up, the weirdo. As expected, she let the tears flow. Xoxo, honey. Goodbye. Kara heads back to the soccer field. Tell me again why they’re crying. Somebody please. Kimberly gets emotional on us. I’m surprised he let her go. I was sure he was curious enough about her bikini to keep her another week. Oh well. Namaste. I’ll tune in next week to see what happened after she came back in and got him, but I’m not holding out for anything beyond namaste.

    The previews. Wow. I’m speechless. Chris Harrison, it might indeed be the most dramatic, romantic season yet. Just maybe.

    Until next week, my lovely readers!