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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Episode 4, Tierrible With a Side of Crazy

Chris Harrison starts the show off for us. Skipping over the gratuitous ab shots and going straight for the throat. Ladies, ladies, ladies, get in here. Good morning. Since 3 sad saps left us last week, we are down to 13 now. Things are going well. Sean is confident his wife is in the room. He hopes for more makeout time as we head into this week’s dates. Here is the first date card. Exit Chris. And just when I thought we went straight for the jugular this week, enter Sean in nothing but his skivvies. Wardrobe may have dropped the ball on this one. Athletic shorts are way cuter than boxer briefs, even if they are Calvin Klein. But whatever. Lesley reads the first date card. Selma, Let’s turn up the heat. Our beautiful Middle Eastern skips off to get ready, dodging eye darts from Sybil, or as we later learn is her new nickname, Tierrible. Selma is ecstatic. Leslie is not. Ugh the waterworks wear me out. 

Sean arrives to pick up Selma. It seems Tierra couldn’t devise an evil plan to “fall” from a balcony or contract the swine flu only seconds before he walked through the door. But fear not, she will continue to ponder this.

Selma wants the world to know she weighs 110 pounds. Yeah girl, so does my left thigh. Strike one. The jet - i.e. Chuck E. Cheese - seems to be a place where a kid can be a kid. Miss Selma plays the baby talk card by asking “are we north, are we south, it couldn’t possibly be west giggly giggly, is my elbow making you uncomfortable”... but nonetheless, said jet hauls them to a remote location which she anticipates will be super romantic and crazy awesome. But alas, they arrive in the land of cacti and Gila Monsters. She exclaims her disappointment to the camera. She is an Iraqui who does not do well in heat... AT ALL. Sean, please. Take her back to the land of the dancing bears with banjos. Whatever you do... make the complaining stop. As my dear husband so poignantly said, “If you’re there for the right reasons, you’d be satisfied with a corner booth at McDonald’s.” Well said, handsome. Selma continues her rant about how terrible this is. She hates heights. She feels puffy. She’s used to wearing 6 inch heels. The ladies won’t stay comfortably tucked into her gray baby tank. He tells her she’s doing great but she isn’t interested in his encouraging words. Plus her tatas are ALL over the place and completely damaging my corneas. Strike 2.

After she shows her man she can climb this big ole rock baby, they head off in the yellow Rubicon to another unknown spot in the desert where he can take her out of her element. The local KOA Campground. Yep, that’ll do the trick. That’s out of everyone’s element. Way to go, big daddy. Sean proceeds to tell her about the one serious relationship he’s had. Excuse me? One? What about Ems? Show some respect, man.

Back at the house, the date card arrives. Tierra exclaims, “I don’t need no chaperones anymore.” I think we can all agree grammar isn’t her strong suit. Who's with me? Group date card: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra - I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Conversation resumes back at KOA. Selma confesses that her Mom isn’t happy about this whole thing. She plans to refrain from kissing him unless he chooses her in the end. Ok, yeah. That’s gonna happen. One word... overnights. Strike 3. I’m done. But apparently Sean is not. He gives her the rose without getting kissed. Have fun with that forehead kissing, bro.

The group date limo heads out. Lindsay thinks they are rolling down a hill in hamster balls. Huhh? But it'll be none of that stuff. It’s roller derby time, yo! Time to get hairy. Capital L isn’t feeling this date whatsoever. Tierra is ready to knock some B*****s down! Amanda tells the other girls she’s an experienced derby'er just to get in their heads. Atta girl. Way to play dirty. Sarah, on the other hand, might be a tad focused on her physical disability. I admit I have had an affection for her, but since episode 2 I have felt the tendencies of an abundance of sugary sweetness. And now, it’s verging on whiny as well. C'mon, chica... grow some brass, strap on your knee pads and get out there! I get it, the arm thing presents a challenge, but the word of the day is overcome. Oh well, at least she has capital L as her cheerLeader. Amanda falls flat on her face, which might have given her cover away. Does an experienced roller derby girl fall on her face? No, but apparently in INexperienced roller derby girl gets carted off in a silver SUVish vehicle because she bumped her chinny chin chin. Seriously girls! This is making me earnestly question my level of testosterone. Am I really a man? Am I hopelessly hateful? Do I have no patience for weak women? Yeah, that third thing.

Now we move on to Steve Perry assisted slow skating. Geez. Are you kidding me? Take me back to 7th grade. Ok ok ok, I need to behave.

The girls finally get to dress up and drink wine. It’s what they’ve waited for all day. Sarah gets some time alone with our bachelor and uses it to further call attention to her physical challenge. As if we weren’t already aware. Tierra professes her dedication to NOT getting a sympathy rose. Check. Amanda shows up with her “injury” which incidentally is reminiscent of an “injury” we witnessed last week. 

The final one-on-one date card arrives at the mansion. Leslie H - Could this be forever? Des then pops open part #2...diamond earrings. It’s Leslie’s Pretty Woman date.

Rejoining to zoo crew, Robyn prods Tierra and brings on a fury from our caged lion. I can’t handle her level of immaturity. She wants to know if Robyn is in high school still. Well gee, T, you tell us. Did you see her in gym this morning? 

Tierra: Why should I live like this every day? I’m being tortured.
ABC Producer: Are you saying someone has inflicted torture upon you?
Tierra: Not technically, but I can’t take the fakeness.
ABC Producer: Fakeness? Yeah girl. That’s a word.
Tierra: Why are you being so mean? Don’t you think I’m beautiful? And don’t you like my hula hoop earrings? And and and.....
ABC Producer: Should I call Dr. Phil?
Tierra: Do you think he could make Sean buy my tears? I cannot take it. I cannot take it. I came on The Bachelor to monopolize his every minute and now look. Just look. I’ve had to succumb to the suffering and undue stress caused by my not being the center of everyone’s attention.
ABC Producer: Whaaaa??
Tierra: Oh shut up, just interrupt Sean so I can steal time from these other Bs!

The Oscar goes to Tierra. She gets the sympathy rose she was "trying so desperately" to avoid. Check check. I have nothing else. I’ve already proven that I can’t behave myself, so I’m going to avoid any further conversation about this.

Enough said.

It’s Leslie’s date time. She’s stoked about the earrings that Edward gave her. Time to speed off in the hot sports car for the whole Reg Bev Wil experience. That car corners like it’s on rails. Edward takes Vivian into a store and sits on the couch waiting for her to walk out in a tie while he orders pizza. She chooses a dress, chooses 120 carats worth of ice as a neck accessory, and learns how to eat escargot without flinging it across the restaurant. 

The opera is substituted with a random table for 2 in the Bradbury Building. Not exactly a jet to San Fran but Viv feels like Cinda-freakin-rella, nonetheless. A nice dinner will do. After all, this ain’t a buffet Kit. But it was so good she almost peed her pants.

The girls converse back at the mansion. Tierra is in an unusually great mood. She has a screw loose.

Edward picks up the rose as if he were about to deliver it to his Vivian, but he can’t bring himself to do it. All he can think about is Kit. Viv is whisked away by the exit vehicle as she is left to wonder who she will offer $20 directions to next. Hope he doesn’t work on commission. Big mistake. Big. Huge. She’s going shopping now.

Tierra is happy to begin the cocktail party with a rose. Sean apologizes to capital L for not spending time with her this week. Robyn offers her vanilla bean a bowl full of chocolate. Tierra then corners Jackie and Robyn to offer up an “apology” which was about as genuine as her “fall.” By the way, thank you Catherine for coining the best nickname ever. Tierrible. Yesss.

Catherine gets some alone time and gives him a kiss on paper. It was far less awkward than the one she got in person. Stiff neck strikes again.

Ting ting ting ting. Enter Chris with his butter knife and champagne flute. Time to send some ladies home. Those who get to stay are...

Ash with a capital L and no eye liner
Jackie - Who? Somebody needs to give this girl some camera time.

To creep or not to creep, that is the question that may never be answered. But to go home, yes she does. With her tears and yellow bruised chin.

Next week - a 2-day Bachelor event. WHAT?!?! Is it Christmas all over again? I know there were several things that previewed, but the only thing I saw was Tierrible and another “injury” which apparently involved an ungraceful game of bikini tag across a glacier, smeared mascara and “trembling” hands. This oughtta be good.

Until next time, my lovelies.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Episode 3 - Awkward Kisses, Broken Records and Crack Shots

First off, an apology. Last week was a challenging one. Admittedly, Bachelor blogging went to the proverbial back burner. I had resigned to the reality that I was going to have to throw in a few fleeting thoughts in lieu of a full recap for Week 3 but that has changed. I am home today with a sick son. I have a lot of work to do today, but I decided I’d take some time out to get in a full recap before resuming my productivity. So here goes...

And a theme develops, people. The show - AGAIN - begins with Sean showing off his best asset. No I’m not referring to his eyebrows. I believe we all know how I feel about those creepy things. But everything else, I don’t exactly object to. He’s no Brad Womack, but still.

Chris starts the day off: Good morning, ladies. Get your fannies in the living room. How’s it going? Congratulations. 16 of you made it through the 2nd phase of cuts. Be proud, hound dogs, be very proud. Let’s talk about this week. Three dates. A group date and two one-on-ones...BUT not all of you get a shot with Sean’s abs this week. Not even all of you get to see his eyebrows up close. But be prepared, because a select few might even get an awkward makeout sesh with him. Use your time wisely. Here’s the first date card.

Chris draws back a bloody stump as Selma wastes no time snatching the date card, which backflip Robyn is clearly ready to fight for if it holds no profanity or urban slang. No such luck, though. Lesley M, How long will this love last?

Please allow me to interject. Homegirl rockin’ the great state of Arkansas on her necklace. WPS! I plan to get me one.

Heading down to Hollywood to begin the date. A visit to the Guiness Book of World Records museum?? Cool date, bro. Ahhh but just when you think the level of lame couldn’t get any lamer... a kissing challenge. Longest On-Screen Kiss. A challenge these two crazy kids are up for. As I watch Sean dig in his pocket for an Altoid, I found myself getting nervous. I was anticipating a train wreck. I mean, c’mon. He’s a bad enough kisser when he’s being passionate about it. This scenario? It’s bound to be terrible. Like watching a teenage boy kiss his great aunt. Three minutes of pure agony for my eyes. That’s what I predicted my future would hold. Admittedly, I had hoped I’d be wrong. But between the uncomfortable giggling, the dress that is about to give us a crack shot, and Sean’s stiff neck, I was right. Oh man. Make it stop. Somebody, please. MAKE. IT. STOP. But lucky for Sean, he remembered to wear an untucked button up that fell well below his belt line. You feel me?

Now that the awkwardness has ended, we move on to the evening portion of the date where we again move dangerously close to said crack shots. He takes her atop the Roosevelt. Nice. Total redemption from the Guinness debacle. Unnnnntilllllll it happened. The long-awaited “real kiss” that hadn’t happened in the midst of the many weird moment kisses. The kiss I hoped would resemble something of Arie's mad makeout skills. But alas. No such luck. Sadly, Sean has not improved upon his stiff-necked technique. And unfortunately, the camera zoomed in as we watched Sean attempt that tongue-teasing thing Arie suggested. One word... gross. Arie, where are you when we need you?!

And on that note, date card! Ash with a capital L builds the suspense before reading it. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Des, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra - Who’s going to win my heart? Let the claws come out. But never fear, capital L didn’t want that date anyway because it might involve something resembling a physical challenge lacking in organization.

Back atop the Roosevelt, high up in the sky, Lesley receives a rose and gets another lip-nibbling signature kiss from ole stiff neck. Hey, at least I’m not endlessly picking on his creepy flesh-colored eyebrows this season... yet.

Group date time. The girls head to the beach. As the limo pulls up, you can practically hear them pushing to get out, oblivious to the fact that the limo is still coming to a rolling stop. These crazies are ready for a day at Zuma with their Texan. They demand that Sean remove his tank top as they cat call. Hope he brought his 50 Shades whistle. I gotta say. The whole beach volleyball thing... it didn’t bode well for my self-esteem. Forget gun control, let’s put a ban on skinny girls in bikinis. And besides that, when it comes to beach volleyball, anyone who’s anyone KNOWS how it’s really done...

And, THAT, my friends is what beach volleyball is all about. It's a classic.

Let the games get under way. Blue team vs. red team. Losing team goes home. The girls volley it up while Sean stands there watching. Right about now, he wishes he’d have worn that button up again.

The match comes to an end. Bye bye red. See ya back at the house, Tierra! ...and Kristy! Take your tears on back to the mansion. Oh I’m sorry. Do I sound insensitive and rude? My bad. Take your tears on back to the mansion, PLEASE. Yeah, that’s better. I said please.

As the losers sit at the mansion feeling dejected and alone, Sean takes his winners back to his house. Des gives Sean a wink and a nudge to remind him of their time in his hot tub last week. Meanwhile, Sean steals Lindsay away for a kiss out back. Still, the guy will not tilt his head. My eyes are starting to hurt! MY EYES!

But just as it seems Sean is distracted by someone else, Des swoops in and gets herself some alone time.

Back at the ponderosa, the last date card arrives. Tierra rushes to read it as if she believes she might get picked for a second date. Not happening though. Tierra reads the card anyway. AshLee and Selma.... no wait. Sorry girls, I’m just being stupid. Selma you’re out of luck. AshLee - Do you believe in magic?  Tierra. Ugh.

And wow. The drama ensues back at Sean’s pad. Amanda is ready to do what it takes to get the rose. Des is NOT havin’ it. I personally can’t decide if ABC is doing some really creative editing or if Amanda really is that creepy. Des says yes. Yes she really is that creepy, people. A drunken Kacie in an ultra mini skirt (another crack shot) is on the hunt for drama tonight. She sees this Des/Amanda thing as something Sean would not like, so what better to do but tell him? Right? Isn’t that always the smart thing to do? Get plastered and then blab your thoughts to someone who didn’t ask for them? Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Should’ve left the beer goggles at home, Otis. As if the drunkenness wasn’t apparent enough during that God-AWFUL conversation, the rose going to Lindsay pushed Kacie over. She can barely hold her eyes open as she sobs in her interview. 

It’s finally time for Ash’s date. That’s Ash with a capital L, if you’re nasty. She puts on her most beautiful mini doily dress, bound and determined to have the shortest dress of the week. But wait. The date won’t begin as early as expected. An unexpected “fall” delays the date. Poor poor Tierra “fell” down the stairs just before Sean is to arrive to pick up AshLee. Sitting upright on the stairs letting Sean rub her back is apparently just what the doctor ordered for an “injury” of this type. Medics arrive, stick a brace on her neck and roll her onto the stretcher. But wait. She’s fiiiiiiine. She feels much better now. That nasty “fall” is all behind her. No need to rush her to the hospital. After all, Sean is there now and the spotlight is on her. Seriously. She’s fine. She just wants to be left alone. The “pain” will go away soon. All she needs is a little spooning to make it all better. That “fall” was a nasty one, but nothing a little date sabotage won’t fix. I don’t mean to imply she did any of this on purpose. I’m sure this was a very serious “fall” with severe “pain” and an “injury” that is very real. The couch time with Sean, and her unusually mobile (and fully functioning) “hurt” neck which was better only seconds after her “fall,” should not be any sort of indicator. Right?

So capital L finally gets to head out for her date. They get a theme park to themselves for the day. She rethinks the doily dress at this point, but it is too late. She should probably avoid the ferris wheel. They spend their time with two girls suffering from chronic illnesses. AshLee interacts with the girls and impresses Sean. On paper, she is perfect. Sean buys into it all and thinks she is genuine. Me, on the other hand...I still have my doubts. But something I don’t doubt is the true talent of the Eli Young Band. Nice touch, ABC.

To cap their night, Sean and capital L engage in serious conversation. Her story is a touching one. But her approach. Pardon my skepticism, but again, sounding good on paper is one thing. Sincerity is a completely different thing. Did everything really play out exactly as she says? Is it all really that perfect? Just curious. Sorry. It’s a gut feeling. I don’t trust her. The only thing missing is fuzzy bunnies and butterflies.

Cocktail party time. Tierra sure has bounced back from her “injury.” Sean takes Sarah out front for a surprise visit from Leo. After that special moment, which mildly confused me, he corners the “patient” to check on her condition. She quickly did the duck-and-run when the subject of her “fall” arose. Des swoops in for some alone time with him. T is not having it. After making it clear she is about to punch some walls, she steals him back. And so begins a vicious cycle of theft. Kacie saunters over in her Body Glove wet suit and bump-it ponytail to issue an apology for her drunken behavior the other night. Too little too late. She is swiftly escorted out at the onset of the rose ceremony. He sticks her in a minivan back to the Volunteer state. He’s finished with her, and so am I. Never thought I’d feel that way about sweet Kacie, but she turned out to be quite a hot mess.

As for the other roses, they go to:

Tierra, who has completely recovered from her “fall”
Leslie H.
Selma - Is she wearing her grandma’s table cloth?
Sarah and Leo
Jackie - Who?
Amanda - To crazy or not to crazy?

Hot mess Taryn and Ford model Kristy bid us adieu. Tears from both girls. Lack of sympathy from me.

Next week - Jeep rides, rock climbing, chocolate double entendres, roller derby and Tierra’s cray cray side comes screaming at us...not that she has any other side. Interesting stuff in store. Plus a grammatical faux pas from the resident nutjob. Dear T, the word fakeness isn’t in my Dictionary app. But faker is. So is desperate.

Until next time, my lovelies.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Grief: A Teacher’s Perspective

Grief. It’s the thing that elicits so many emotions in us. The thing that can bring a grown man to his knees. The thing that no one ever wants to experience. Grief in its most incomprehensible state comes to us in the form of death. Even worse, the death of a child. And in this case, the death of a student.

Teachers have a unique place in the lives of children. We spend a great deal of time with them. We learn things about them, as they do about us. Bonds are formed during the process. Teachers grow to love their students in an indescribable way, and something very special happens. Those students take ownership of a piece of each teacher’s heart.

Yesterday, the unexpected happened. I woke up not feeling well, and had called in sick. After my family left and I’d fallen back to sleep, I got a call that will forever be a defining moment in my teaching career. The call was to inform me that a student had passed away. A student I had in class. Without hesitation, I jumped up, got dressed and came to school. All I could think about was the reaction of her classmates, her friends. They were going to need support, shoulders to cry on, arms to hug them, people to share their sorrow with. I knew it would be a difficult day, but I was not prepared for the level of devastation that swept through the middle school. Watching kids grieve for the loss of their own is gut-wrenching. As they sit and stare at the floor, the silence is deafening. Seeing them hurt and cry, and knowing there is nothing I can do to take away their pain, is a helpless feeling. So many people have been touched by this. So many tears shed. So many sad faces.

I hope you will allow me to speak about my relationship with Valerie. I came to know her last school year. A sweet little girl with the most pleasant disposition. She caught my attention early on because of her bubbly personality, her quick wit and her boisterous sense of humor. Her laughter was infectious. The joy she carried with her added such a positive energy to the classroom. This school year was no different. When summer ended and school was back in session, I quickly realized she had not lost her charm. If anything, she grew funnier over the summer. It did not take long to establish a bond with her. Before I knew it, the class period she belonged to would become the one with the most laughter. I am a person who lives for laughter, so as you can imagine, that class period was very therapeutic... not only for me, but for the other students as well. There were days that the laughter in the classroom would end with someone saying, “this is why I love this class!” We all knew that Valerie was to thank for that, as the funny moments typically began with something she had done or said. On days she was absent, there was a clear difference. A void, if you will. Valerie was the only student that gave me a nickname. She called me Kinger instead of Mrs. King. Of course, she asked me ahead of time if that was ok. I sensed the fun in the situation, and she never took a disrespectful tone about it, so I allowed her to do that. She told me to call her Bayler, so I did. From that point on, I could always look forward to hearing, “Hey Kinger!” every day when she walked through the door. The other students just knew it was something only she could get away with. Nobody tried to follow suit because they knew that was 'her thing.'

I had recently asked her what I was going to do without her next year when she moved over to the high school. She assured me that she would come see me and call me Kinger because, as she said in her giggling words, “I know you will miss that!” She was right. I already miss that. I already miss her.

Moving forward, there will be many dark moments here in the middle school. For the students, for the staff, for me. The void that used to only occur on an occasional day she was absent is now a permanent void. A void in my classroom, a void in other classrooms, a void in the middle school. Some of us lost a student. Some of us lost a classmate. Some of us lost a friend. But we all lost a special girl and a piece of our hearts. The love that people had for her has been so evident the past two days. Nobody here has been immune to the grief. And none of us will ever forget her.

Below is a picture she drew of me, and for me, on her computer. She said this drawing was me as a jack-o-lantern. One of the many things she did that made me laugh. It is now priceless.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Episode 2, Harlequin, Hair and Hijinks

In keeping with tradition, the one which started with Brad.... two and a half minutes. That’s all it took. Less than three minutes. Ok, so after a reminder of last week, a preview of this week and a peek at Sean in the gym, Chris enters the living room where the date-thirsty girls await. Chris mentions the thought of Sean proposing to one of them, and you can see the drool beginning to pool up in the corner of each mouth in the room. He lays the card down. Ford model Kristy wastes no time hopping up from the couch to pick it up and read it... “Sarah - Are you ready to fall in love today?” She obviously excited, and so am I! 

Guess how Sarah is picked up for her’ll never guess. A helicopter. I know, I know. You’re thinking ‘get out of here!’ But no, it’s true. ABC is using a helicopter for a Bachelor date. Shock. As they take off, the wind takes its toll on the ladies standing outside to wave them off. Although I’m pretty sure I saw Kristy striking a pose as the wind made her feel more in her element than she had all morning. Anything to feel like she’s at a shoot.

The chopper lands on top of a skyscraper. I don’t know if she knew what to expect, but my stomach is in knots. Historically, a skyscraper has meant some sort of stunt. I immediately wonder how ABC could do such a thing. Pick a physical stunt for the date involving the girl with one arm. Seemed cruel at first, but apparently she was flattered that he would treat her like any other two-armed person.

I like to poke fun at the girls and at the dates but for Sarah, I have nothing. This is reminiscent of the days of our sweet Ems. What is there to say? She’s pretty perfect. And her stories of her Dad are heart-warming. The only thing I can even anticipate happening with this is that maybe she becomes too sweet. I admit that I do see the tendencies. For now, he is smitten. She gets the first "official" and unforced kiss of the season. I had high hopes for our eyebrow guy and his kissing. But sadly, he took nothing away from his chat with Arie. Sean, my man. Tilt your head. Cup the nape of her neck. Gently tug on her hair. Do something resembling that of a passionate man instead of the tin man.

Back where the action happens, the group date card arrives... “Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, Tierra - Let’s capture the romance.”

Tierra is already triple snapping that nobody is gonna get in her way! She is not wanting to go on a group date, and she ain't hidin' it, y'all. What does it mean that I’m already exhausted by this girl? Between the previews and her interview clips, ugh. 

A limo arrives to pick them up for their group date. The mimosas are flowing, the woohooing is abundant, Katie’s hair is fluffier than ever and alas they arrive at a castle-ish building. Might I ask...what THE HECK is Ford model Kristy wearing? The tank top... ok. But the shorts? What happened to the rest of them? Seriously, don’t bend over honey. Oh, and the shoes. Good grief. I think I had some similar to that in about 1996. Models apparently find it difficult to let go of the persona they have in front of the camera. I’m no expert in the field of modeling but it seems like common-sense-101 that you would shed that garb and large windblown hair when the cameras are no longer rolling. Not our friend Kristy. She is in the zone 24/7. She might have been a little too excited about the Harlequin book cover date.

WHAT???? A photo shoot?! Omagaww omagaww. WOOTYWOOT! I can’t believe this. I might pee my pants. Where’s the camera, people? Answer me! Where’s the camera? Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Get me a fan, interns.

Ok now that she got that out of her system, let’s get back to the date.

Makeup and hair brings out the worst in our well-behaved girls. Tierra is appalled that Kristy has extensions because real women go "all-naturrellll" baby (no, she doesn't have a dictionary app), Robyn and her hair dresser discuss garden tools being a dime a dozen, and Kristy's cat calls take on new life...YEEEHOW.

Emotions run high as the director calls for a kiss here and a kiss there. As Kristy quivers with excitement, she can’t focus on anything but waiting for her turn to tear it up, work that camera, make this photo shoot her....well, you know. She’s gonna show the other non-models how it’s done. I guess she wasn’t kidding. She won the book cover deal. However, Sean was pretty much just a prop in her scene. I'm not sure she even knew he was the one she was posing with. But WOOHOO she gets to resign from her gig with Tar-jjjay clothing line.

Post-photo shoot they head out to the pool. This is where the claws start to come out. Lesley Politics steals him away for a chat in a dark room. Awkward conversation, no kiss, alone-time fail. Sean moves on. Lesley doesn’t. Alone-time hijack, more awkward conversation, wierd kiss, blatant tease, another alone-time fail.

Kacie gets her time next. Let’s talk about that dress. No let’s don’t. Just don’t bend over, girlfriend. Let's me, you and Ford Kristy have a sit down concerning wardrobe. Next, Catherine. She’s Vegan but she loves the beef. Okayyyyy. Maybe the meaning got lost in translation but if not, yikes. Selma hasn’t done anything to me personally. However I’m just not feeling her. I’m now down with any woman who tries to throw her voice about 6 octaves higher than it actually is just so she’ll sound cute. No thanks.

Tierra finally gets her time. For the record, she does the voice thing too. Squeaking so she’ll sound cute. Bleck. Anyhoo, she makes the claim that she came there because what she saw of him on Emily’s season blew her away. So she’s claiming she’s there because it’s him? Ok wait. Does anyone else remember the interview where she found out who the Bachelor was?.... AFTER she was already cast? Ok, just clearing that up. See what I did there? She gets the green light from Sean, and an obvious unspoken promise of a rose. Surprise surprise.

The next one-on-one date card arrives. Jackie wants it to be her birthday present but no such luck. “Desiree - Love is priceless.”

The group date is still going on. Katie’s hair continues to grow like a Chia pet in a Rainforest. Reminds me of that Friends episode “The One In Barbados.” Remember that one? Monica’s hair? Good stuff... and totally Katie. It’s taking on a life of its own.

Monica tells him she really needs to get home to her hairdresser so he can tame her mane with cornrows. He quickly offers to walk her to her car. I’m pretty sure no one is really broken up by this one, including myself.

Gotta say... I’m pretty excited Kacie got the rose. Bye bye friend zone. Is Tierra’s excitement comparable to mine? Not so much, as indicated by her desire to resort to physical violence in the form of a knuckle sandwich. Ouch.

It’s finally time for Des to get her time with the man. Sean decides a prank might be fun. Let me go on the record as saying that anyone who is down with a good prank is an ace in my book! Punk’d will always be one of my favorite shows. Plus Ashton Kutcher is pretty easy on the eyes. Practical jokes are the best. So the stage is set. Sean brings Des to this “art show” to look at some "priceless" art which might have been painted by my 6 year old. Off-topic, her red glossy lipstick is stunning on her and her smile is infectious. In case you haven’t noticed, she’s a front-runner of mine. But I digress. Des is seemingly eating up this whole art show thing. She is put in a room alone with a supposed million dollar piece of art. She pretends to be interested in the piece...almost convincingly. After the curator leaves, she takes a stool. The piece of art falls and shatters. Des looked as if she was about to tinkle herself. By the end, I’m not quite sure she hadn’t figured it out but nonetheless she was quite the trouper.

Back to Sean’s pad for a Filet and some veggie sides that looked as if they tasted about like that cowboy hat Lesley M. wore in the photo shoot. Let me guess. She’s a Vegan but she likes the beef. These two seem to have possibly the strongest connection. It’s just natural and easy to watch. After a dip, Sean offers her the rose. She attempts vengeance for Sean's earlier tomfoolery by initially rejecting the rose. It wasn't believable mainly because of the hearts floating around in her eyeballs. Of course she said yes. Of course.

At the cocktail party, the girls anxiously await Sean’s arrival as they sit and suck their champagne. Let’s hope little Lindsay is pacing herself tonight. I admire her choice for a yin-yang dress instead of a wedding gown. Sean got his apology and she resisted the urge to ask for a smoochy-woochy.

Producers will have us believe that Amanda was this sneering, sulking, pouting pile of depression in a yellow dress. However, I smell creative editing. Manufactured drama, maybe. I’m just not buying it. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong next week. I sure hope so. What is the Bachelor without some juicy drama. And btw, WHAT was the deal with the shoulders on that yellow dress of hers? Madonna-ish. Blond Ambition Tour, circa 1990.

I’m not going to linger on the following topic because I feel like the most innocent statements can be twisted into something sinister and inaccurate. However, I can’t go forward without saying that Robyn has a lot of nerve putting “that” out there. Sean apparently doesn’t have a “type” or a “non-type.” Let’s keep this show about what it’s really about... finding love on a reality show. True love that ends shortly after taping lasts forever. Seriously Robyn, just go work on your back flips.

Interjection: Does this show’s budget not allow for the purchase of something other than a butter knife for Chris to use as his champagne glass tinger?

Sean. Ladies. Time to hand out roses. Sarah, Des, Kacie, rest easy and don’t poke yourself with a thorn from the roses you already have. I’ll be back in a jif to let all of you know when there is only one rose left.

In order, here are Sean's leading ladies and their responses to being offered a rose...

Ash with a capital L - Aww Sean, you’re so sweet. Can I organize your closet?
Lindsay -  Thank you Sean. Will you marry me? Or at least kiss me.
Robyn - What is your favorite ice cream flavor? You BEST say chocolate.
Jackie - Thanks for dissing me on my birthday.
Lesley M. - See. I told you I could leave you wanting more.
Selma - I don’t really speak Farsi because I’m actually French and my native language is kissing....and fries.
Catherine - I still love beef. Be scared.
Kristy - Didn’t I look hot in that photo shoot? The other girls are so jealous.
Leslie H. - So I hear you think brown is beautiful. Yeah, baby.
Tierra - Gee Sean, I’m soooo shocked you’re giving me a rose. *wink wink*
Taryn - So does this mean I don’t have to baby cry anymore?
Daniella - No more making out in front of me, young man! Oh, and I’m sorry I never fix the back of my hair.
Amanda - SUCK IT, LADIES. I’m not going anywhere!

Out the door goes Little Orphan Annie and her straightener. Also gone is Diana. This show wasn’t for her. She needed to be home with her brood.

Next week... a thrill ride, a makeout sesh in the sky, a moment atop the Roosevelt Hotel, more Des time, a beach scene already!, even more Des time, more Lindsay time, and lots of Tierra-centered drama. Previews imply Tierra is truly hurt, neck brace and all, due to something the girls do to her. My skepticism is kicking in. I look forward to whatever this is, though!

Until then, lovely Bachelor fans!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Episode 1, Sean's Crop

Hello Bachelor fans. Oh how I’ve missed this! Are we glad it’s back or what?! It has been far too long since I’ve seen a good cat fight. I have a feeling this season isn’t going to deprive us of cat anything! It’s good to be back. So every Monday, sit back, buckle up, grab the popcorn and let the good times roll.

ABC starts us off with a little sneak preview of the season ahead. Oh dear Mother of fawwweeennn torsos. Those of you who were with me during the Brad days will know what I mean by the following... 8 seconds! Yes, I said 8. The time it takes to ride a bull. See what I did there. Ok, lame irony. What can I say, I’m a little giddy. Mini clips reveal to us that this season will be jam-packed with drama, eye rolls, plenty of beach time for our topless Texan, a couple of concerts, rockytop romance, talking puppet hands, roller derby, tears, neckbraces and cookies that taste like S**T! 

After that peek into the future, we were shown a then-and-now reel of Mr. Lowe. The romance that wasn’t...Sean’s time with Ems. His stiff kisses. His baby blue shorts. The sweat. The tears. The eyebrows. The Dad who might spend time in a closet. The affection he has for his niece and nephew. This scores brownie points with me. I could’ve done without the deep thoughts by the beach. But standing atop that cliff, blue shorts blowing in the wind....oh, never mind.

What came next was a total surprise to me. A visit from our old pal Arie. Oh dear. Flashbacks consume me. After a beer toast, they retire to the poolside table for a little role-playing and advice giving. Arie gives sweet tips on too much tongue vs. too little tongue. To tease or not to tease. Sean does not intend to take his advice. Mistake number one, bro.

After 18 minutes of fluff and a commercial break, we get to see short clips of a few of the girls...

Desiree aka Des: She’s cute. She’s a Bridal Designer. She has a Katie Holmes-ish look about her. Her eyes are the most beautiful brown. In that business, she’s probably a hopeless romantic. And she isn’t such a graceful bouquet tosser. I love girls not afraid to flaunt their fun side.

Tierra: Beautiful. Really beautiful. And might I add, I’ve been wanting a necklace like that...can someone please relay that to my hubby.  She’s family-oriented. She has an open heart tat on her ring finger. She apparently loves Sean, based on the pre-teenish squealing she did when the Bachelor was revealed to her.

Robyn: She might be a bit toothy. She might have danced with no rhythm. She’s a self-proclaimed sticky note addict. 3M thanks her. She makes air hearts on national TV.

Diana: Rockin’ the side braid. Cute woman. Already has 2 kids. Might not be the best match for our childless bachelor.

Sarah: If I didn’t love her already, I certainly do now. 

Ashley P: Diva. She is obsessed with 50 Shades. I don’t even want to repeat what else she said. Something about doing things, and ripping clothes, and spanking. Yikes.

Lesley: She doesn’t like nerds or politicians. The Arkansas girl I didn’t get a good impression of. Guess what. The video clip didn’t change my opinion. Politics shmolitics.

Kristy: Ford model. Ok, so Ford is the real deal, I get it. But good grief. And what is it with these toothy gals. Gahhh. 

AshLee: Hmm, her life story makes me question my first impression. I admire someone who’s been through serious stuff and created a good life for themselves. But I sense baggage... and OCD.

And finally, after 40 minutes, the limos arrive. It’s time for the introductions. In order of appearance, here they are.

AshLee F.
Personal Organizer
Houston TX
She looks stunning in her red dress with the gorgeous back, and her pretty hair. She hugs him and says sweet things. Maybe I’m gonna like her, after all. Or maybe not. What I do know is that her breathy bit is going to wear me out.

Cosmetics Consultant
Boynton Beach, FL
I anticipated liking her. She tells Sean she’s going to put her mark on him. She pulls her dress up, lifts her leg by the fire hydrant and....oh wait, wrong mark. She pulls out her favorite tube of red lipstick, douses her lips, then kisses his cheek to leave her lip marks as a reminder of a maybe connection. C’mon Jacks, don’t do stupid stuff. I want to like you.

Real Estate Developer
San Diego, CA
She was NOT having that hooker red lip stain on his cheek. Just then she remembers that earlier when she was playing wardrobe hide-and-go-seek, she stuffed a kleenex in her ample bosom. She whips it from from her cleavage to clean off our bachelor’s cheek out of respect for the other girls. She’s a little too squeaky.

Leslie H.
Poker Dealer
Los Angeles, CA
Other than the fact that she, too, has too many teeth, I have nothing. Except a lame McSteamy reference. Please leave Eric out of this! Nobody takes his title.

Commercial Casting Associate
San Francisco, CA
So she’s been thinking...she thinks a secret handshake would mask the fact that her hair looks like Courtney Love’s the night she married Kurt Cobain. Up high, down low, annnddddd blow it up, baby. Blow it up. I would never call anyone stupid, but some people aren’t exactly common sense proficient.

Stripper Extraordinaire Cruise Ship Entertainer
Nashville, TN
She sings a song for our bachelor. Intending to win Sean’s heart, or gain the attention of a record producer? Hey she made a rhyme out of ring and sing, Tennessee and sweet tea, grows and rose. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the next Loretta Lynn.

Yoga Instructor
Charlotte, NC
Ok I’ve already taken a dig at her hair, so I’ll let it go. But WHY is the girl barefoot? Does she not know what kind of filth has oozed onto those floors during the filming of Bachelor Pad? Namaste, my friend. Namaste.

Ashley P.
Hair Stylist slash Rapist
Macomb, MI
She leads by asking him if he’s read any good books lately. Loaded question much? Ok, so is there some sort of trap door down the front of her dress, because where did that tie come from? The horror on Sean’s face was similar to the horror on mine. My sister and I both were like, “WHAT?!” Run, Sean. Run very fast.

Health Club Manager
Troutdale, OR
For starters, she claimed not to have watched his season. Anyone else out there question that statement? Then she runs her lines and forgets to tell him her name. Maybe she’s nervous, maybe she left her fun side at home. Nonetheless, he seems captivated by her.

Graphic Designer
Seattle, WA
This girl definitely has an exotic look and possesses lots of beauty. Outside of that, I have nothing. Except, of course, that she has a nose ring. Are people still doing that?

Oilfield Account Manager
Houston, TX
The world will remember her by one thing...the back flip heard ‘round the world. The one that almost was. 

Graduate Student
Valencia, CA
She gets the best dress of the night award. Her hair is a little too yellow, but I can overlook that thanks to her stunning gown. She wants to be called Lace, which was apparently a segue into a giving him a heart made of lace. Huh? Where did that come from? Does she also have a trap door in her dress? 

Jumbotron Operator
New York, NY
First of all, WHAT is up with those bangs? Is she trying to grow them out. Is she working on a modern day mullet? Ok she opens with “I was on Bachelor Pad 3.” Never trust anyone who competed on least not until you get them tested for STDs.

Leasing Consultant
Denver, CO
Her beauty and charm get her a rose from the get-go. Our boy Sean is quite the rule-breaker giving out a rose right out of the limo.

Fit Model
Newport Beach, CA
What exactly is a fit model? I know what a fitness model is, I know what a model is, but a fit model?? If I could tell her one thing it would be - red lipstick isn’t your color, darlin. Then I’d say - Kumbaya moments aren’t cool, chica. She’ll have to step it up to win my heart.

Boca Raton, FL
She drove 2,775 miles for a shot with him. Andddddd?

Desiree aka “Des”
Bridal Stylist
Los Angeles, CA
This girl already has a little piece of my heart. As if she couldn’t get any cuter, she brought pennies to throw in the fountain. You go on, girl, with your originality.

Advertising Executive
Los Angeles, CA
Already a front runner for me, she has Sean’s attention, too. The physical challenge only adds to her beauty.

Community Organizer
Pittsburgh, PA
She saunters out of the limo with her crazy hair, confusing tassles and wild eyes. This girl scares me.

Salon Owner
Salt Lake City, UT
Rockin’ the side braid like no other, she is a natural conversationalist. Am I going to be able to forgive her for wanting to be Taylor for a day? We’ll see.

Lesley M.
Political Consultant
Washington, DC
Oh dear she brought a football. Politics by day, pigskin by night. I still think her eyes are shifty. Plus she only knows one play... the trusted old Blue 32 play, where the ball never gets snapped so that the QB can stare at the Center’s butt. So maybe the girl from Arkansas has a bit of a sense of humor. Make me laugh, win me over.

Darien, WI
Another model. I’m sensing a theme. This girl’s hair is all over the place. And wow, those teeth. All 427 of them. Insanely white. Don’t turn on the blacklights, anyone.

Ashley H.
Fashion Model
Denver, CO
I’ve always heard that if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. In this instance, I’m taking that advice.

Cranston, RI
She’s from a close Italian family who own an Italian restaurant which may or may not have a back room where the Don meets with Vinnie and Guido to give them instructions on breaking Sean’s legs.

Substitute Teacher
Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Oh no she di-int. A wedding dress? Almost as scary as the blue tie and leg-breaking threats. She forces a kiss on the lips and informs him she has..... uhhhh.... I’m trying to find a good euphemism here. Ah heck, there’s no other way to say it. Balls. Yeah that’s the word she said. Balls. Her looks are going to have to be enough to get her through this night. I still think she’s pretty, but whoa.

So that’s it for the new crew. Next we find out who the mystery girl is. The commercials strung us along about someone “coming back”...well wonder no more. It’s my girl Kacie B! I did love her so. But her parents are wack. It seems she and Sean “hung out” at some event. Bachelor/Bachelorette reject event, no doubt. Anyhoo, so they hit it off and Kacie developed a crush. Fast forward to this new season. Enter Kacie to vie for Sean’s heart. We’ll see what happens. I sense a lot of claws over this one.

She isn’t met with a warm reception. Surprise surprise!! The girls discuss the possibility that she’s there to give them advice. Yeah, I can see it now:

“So listen girls, here’s my advice. Pick your nose. A LOT. Dudes love that. Especially Sean. You know what else? He likes his ladies bald. So get on upstairs and shave those beautiful heads, girls. Run along. And if you want to really drive him wild, tell him he reminds you of your ex-boyfriend. So are we clear? Good. You’re welcome.”

Sean asks the girls to relax. For some of the girls, that translated into drink plenty of Patron. For Ashley P., what she heard was engage in the whole lick it, slam it, suck it tequila shot thing...emphasis on the... well, it’s hard to choose just one.

Sean: So why are you here?
Kacie: For you, silly. Isn’t it obvious.
Sean: Whew, is it nipply, I mean nippy out here? Are you cold? Want my jacket?
Kacie: Why yes, yes I do. Is it that obvious? I knew I should’ve worn band-aids.
Sean: Ummm, yeah maybe. Whew, is it hot out here? Want my shirt and pants?
Kacie: Sean! You know my ultra conservative, judgmental, antiquated parents are watching this.
Sean: Ok, I’ll give them the shirt. You take my pants.

Isn’t that about how that conversation went?

He then moves on to Des. That convo went swimmingly enough that she got a rose in an unconventional manner, too. Seannnnnn, you’re such a rule-breaker, you sneaky little devil. But nobody else was quite as excited as Des.

Ash with a capital L also gets an early rose...just before she philosophies on whether or not Tierra’s was the coveted first impression rose. She thinks not. Because then THAT would mean AshLee’s was NOT a first impression rose. She wants to make that clear. I knew that capital L raised a red flag. Tierra lets the world know that hers was indeed the first impression rose because WHO ELSE got a rose after saying ‘A’ sentence. Did you hear her, people? She said like, A sentence. Yes, that screams first impression rose. I get it.

Sean continues his jaunt as resident rebel with all of the rose giving. Other recipients included Selma, Lady Sweet-Backflip, Katie’s hair, nose ring, Little Orphan Annie, Diana and Jackie.

Can I just be mean for a minute regarding Ashley H.? Yeah yeah, I know. What has stopped me from being mean before? But seriously, what the heck is wrong with this girl’s accent. She’s like a walking talking oxymoron. Nicki Minaj doing her best Scarlett O’Hara impression. Who actually talks like that? Nobody. That’s who.

Then there’s Lindsay. Poor, poor Lindsay. I meant it when I said she’s the prettiest. But this girl canNOT hold her liquor. I’ve always wondered what possesses people to go on National TV, on a show like this especially, and get plastered. 

“Gimme a kiss, just a little smoochie woochie, c’mon fake hubby wubby, pweeeeez...don’t you like it that I’m ballsy? That’s my favorite word.”

50 shades of Ashley P. Ummm. What do you say. Train wreck? Wall dancer...or better yet, wall romancer? Fly catcher? Am I right? Can she maneuver without having her mouth wide open. I’d recommend she video herself and watch it, but something tells me that’s a base she has covered.

This crazy Anastasia wanna-be finally corners her Christian. Out comes the tie again. That’s some kind of trap door she has there. After Sean puts away his rape whistle, Ana heads on inside to demonstrate how to stumble down 2 steps, manage to get sympathy from nobody - including the ABC employees who thought about helping her up but decided it was more fun to watch - and wipe the floor with her rear end.

Moving forward, Sean continues his rose-capade. More girls get an early bud. Leslie H. is next, followed by my girl Sarah...who incidentally has my heart.

Emotions are high at the rose ceremony. Confidence abounds with the ladies who already hold a bud in their hands. The other group...they aren’t so confident. The seven lucky ones are as follows:

Amanda - Who? Oh yeah, red lipstick.

Lesley M. - Mr. Lowe Goes To Washington. By the way, is that a messy bun? Is it a chignon? What is that slightly-missed-the-mark hairstyle?

Kacie B. - Yeah, baby! Bring on the crazy parental units!

Kristy - The American Dental Association recommended her.

Daniella - She could always use the rose thorns to brush that hair.

Taryn - Does he KNOW she’s a hot mess?

Lindsay - It’s a. Nice day. For a. White wedding.

And doing the dreaded walk of shame tonight, ladies and gents:

Lauren - Sean gets to keep his legs.
Kerriann - Who?
Paige - There’s always BP 4, girlfriend. And just’ll officially be veteran status!
Kelly - I’m so sorry, you didn’t make the cut. But going back to Nashville, will pull you out of your rut. So do your walk of shame, feathers blowing in the wind. Your tears smear your mascara, so take a hike THE END.
Ashley H. - She confused me. Buh-bye.
Lacey - She leaves the lace heart in hopes he'll at least use it as a coaster.
And of course, Ashleystasia - Bummskis. Watch for her on BP4.

It’s always a treat getting previews of the coming season, and this time is no different. Beaches. Ice castles. Street performers. Concerts. Roller coasters.  Concerts. Mountains. Cat claws. Roller derby. Tierra drama. And I’ve said it already, but it bears repeating. A monkey on a beach.

Now, who’s singing Billy Idol in their head now?

Until next week, Bachelor buddies!

Ahhhh, it never gets old.