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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Finale, She's The One

Well, let’s go back to my first post. I said, “I can’t say enough. Never have I ever seen a more perfect bachelorette. As a matter of fact, if she doesn’t win (and I think she will) the show would be crazy not to cast her as the next Ali... Emily. She is by far my favorite!” How’s that for an accurate early prediction?

We got to meet the Womacks. I need to call attention to the fact that for some time now, ABC has been previewing what we believed to be a distraught Brad seemingly hugging Emily in what could be taken as a goodbye hug. Brad, tightly hugging a blonde, his forehead veins protruding, obviously crying...the world  must have thought it was Emily without a doubt. I know I did. But well played, highly skilled television editors. It was his sister-in-law. I like to refer to that moment as “the hug that fooled the world.”

The family first met Chantal. She spoke with the brothers, but it was a forced conversation. It just didn’t flow. Awkward is the word I’d use for it. She told them she fell in love in Costa Rica, she’d marry him on the spot, yada yada yada. Who cares! I was busy trying to figure out which was the hotter twin and who the heck that other dude was because he bore no resemblance to the hottie twins! Hottie #2 said the fact that she’d been divorced before and still was ready to jump right into something new and get married on the spot screamed her feelings for Brad. And by that I believe he meant screamed desperation.

Next uncomfortable conversation - Mom. I think Momma Womack liked her. That said, it was almost in a sweet co-worker sortof way. Mom and Brad discuss Chantal on the porch. Seemed like a “I don’t want to be mean” kind of discussion. They point out good qualities using words like beautiful, warm, open & precious. Ouch. I heard no mention of love, passion, commitment or any other descriptive pointing to the long term. In the driveway she told him he better be smart enough to choose her. His response - “easy.” As if signs weren’t already jumping through the TV that she was one date away from the boot, there was an added kick in the face that she wasn’t even bright enough to catch on to. Probably because she is FULLY convinced she’s the one. Fully!

A doorbell rings. Hottie twin #1 (aka Brad Womack) does this dorky clap and gets that school-boy-in-love grin as he springs up from the couch to go see who’s there. Why, it’s the beautiful Em. His family’s reaction was just what I expected. One look at her and they forget all about what’s her name. They couldn’t take their eyes off of her. Who could blame them? She’s pretty much a perfect specimen...right up there in the Carrie Underwood league. They sit down for a nice family dinner together with their giddy grins. Everyone seemingly enamored with Em, they begin the awkward question and answer portion of the evening. Question number one involved little Ricki. Nobody seemed to be phased that she was a Mom. As a matter of fact, we later found out that it was a definite plus to the sisters in law. Moving on, hottie #2 unleashes question number two - how would Ricki’s dad feel about you moving to Austin. Uh-ohhhh. Open mouth. Insert foot. ABC strikes again! I have yet to figure out why they deliberately stage scenes so that Em has to tell her heartbreaking story again. The story that makes me cry every time. Seriously. Every single time! The dinner goes well, the family hearts her. She is their angel, as Brad is hers. 

Brad takes off with his brothers to sit on the rock bank and chat. All I can picture is the outtake from the previous week. You know the one. With the streaker in the background. Good stuff.

Conversation with Mom did not go the same way as it did with Chantal. None of that co-worker vibe. It was pure daughter in law vibes. For goodness sakes she cried in her interview because Em called Brad her angel. Yep, Mom loves her. Sisters in law love her. Hottie twin #2 and what’s his name love her. Done.

Now time for the final one on ones.

First, Channy Chan Chan. Going on these final dates is all for TV. Really, what’s the point. Oh well, it’s good TV I suppose.

Wouldn’t you know Chantal once again gets a water date. She’s not a fan of the underwater wetsuit scene, therefore she came to this date guns blazing. Fully armed and prepared to rock a wetsuit like no other and show off her girlish figure. went awry. Somewhere in her planning, she failed to realize that there was no way to pull that plan off without making herself look a little - uhhhh - desperate. Yeah that’s the word I’ll use. Desperate. The word I contemplated using might be a little too crass for my blog. You know the word. It starts with S and ends with lutty. So I’ll stay with desperate. Kudos to ABC for doing a stellar job at building suspense- Oh my gosh, they might get eaten by Jaws! Because they are swimming with sharks. Inside a closed cage. With divers and cameramen all around. With a professional fisherman dangling bait in just the right place so that the sharks will swim in close proximity to the cage. Oh so scary. And I sure am glad she left her wet suit open to remind us she has a rack she likes to show off. Get out Chantal. Seriously. Get out! I’m over you. And it seems Brad is too. 

Part 2 of the date was less than passionate. Less than exciting. Less than romantic. At the end of the night it was a firm hug, cold peck kiss, quick escape & an obvious “goodbye forever” exit. Every nice thing Brad did on this date - insincerity personified. After rackfest, I mean sharkfest, they retire back at Channy Chan’s room. Admittedly, I was very opinionated about who I wanted him to pick. Therefore, I was probably past the point of  giving anyone else a crying chance. That said, though, I felt as if Chantal had a glass of wine with a side of oblivious. She seemed to be the only person on Earth not aware that he wasn’t exactly exuding romance on this “date.”  Even a die hard Channy fan had to see it. Nonetheless, she gave him a chalk map she drew in art class, which doubled as a moment of hilarity to viewers. Then she refers to him as Bradley while giving him a novel to cap this moment of seriousness, at what would soon become a failed attempt at a last ditch effort to win his heart. At the end of the super boring rendezvous back at her crib, he gives her a goodbye hug and a kiss and he retaliates for the Bradley thing by affectionately calling her Channy Chan. Weird.

Annnnnd in the spirit of saving the best for last, Em’s one on one aired after Channy’s. The editors worked overtime to try and throw us off the trail! It was quite a valiant effort on ABC’s part. For a minute I did get a little worried, but ultimately I read between the lines and knew what was going on. That’s right, ABC. You can’t fool me. The serious conversation plus Brad’s nerves weren’t enough.

I should now pay homage to the moment I waited for every week. The viewing audience received a double shot this week. The times were 1:23 as he rolled out of bed, and 1:31 as he was getting ready for the final rose delivery. I think we were twice blessed to make up for the week they deprived us!

Neil the jeweler showed up. After picking out a stunning ring, Brad reverted back to his Dr. Jamie days. He hadn’t seen Dr. Jamie in so long that he used poor Neil as his sounding board. Brad is talking about the last time he was on the show, his strong feelings toward one of these women, yada yada yada... while you can almost see Neil’s thought bubble encasing the words, “please pick the biggest diamond. ABC owes me for this!”

The girls reflected upon the season and their feelings toward Brad. After that, we began seeing snippets of the girls pre-rose. Chantal with her asymmetrical one-shoulder dress with crow feathers on the shoulder. Em in her elegant gold-toned flowy column dress. Both dressed to impress.

Brad sits atop his perch at what could be the worst proposal spot in Bachelor history! Normally the show plays games and goes back and forth with clips of each woman so that we don’t know which he actually picks until the very last minute. Not this time. He got right to the dumping, and ABC’s editors took the day off.

Once again, Brad’s famous line: You look beautiful.

Chantal: I really wish you’d find a new compliment.

Brad: I can’t help it. I’m nervous and I haven’t talked to Dr. Jamie in so long I don’t know what to say.

Chantal: C’mon Brad, just gimme the d*** ring.

Brad: Whoa whoa whoa. Not so fast. I gotta tell ya. I’ve been doing some thinking. Man, I love your Dad’s man hugs. I go to sleep at night thinking about your revealing red bikini. By the way, how did you hide your nips in that thing? Anyway, remind me to buy that issue of Sports Illustrated. I’m getting distracted. The man hugs. Yeah, and I also was quite turned on when you put on my white button up in Costa Rica. You know - the place where we fell in love...or so you say. Oh that was mean. I’m TRULY sorry. All of this stuff is true but I’m just not feeling it. I love somebody else.

Chantal: I can’t believe this. I thought showing you my family’s wealth would reel you in. And now. Now you leave me crying on a hilltop in South Africa. Dude. Daddy has had to get his own coffee and brush his own hair plugs for 3 months now. And NOWWWW these tears are messing up the makeup I so carefully slathered on this morning. How could you?

Brad: Because I’m a changed man. I honestly feel I’m doing the right thing. But the good news is that you have a built in snot wiper on your shoulder. Those crow feathers are sweet!

Chantal: Screw you, loser. I’m outta here.

As he watches the limo drive off he shows no remorse. He is happy with his decision. Chantal spared the feathers and used her hand to wipe her nose and neck as the snot and tears took over.

Brad transformed into a giddy school girl at this point. He chiseled their initials in the rock behind them as he waited on his Cinderella to arrive.

Em is “stunning” instead of beautiful. Kudos, Womack for finding a new adjective.

Brad stammers around and says a bunch of things that I didn’t pay attention to. Then he hits a knee. It’s not in Em’s nature to jump around and act over the top happy. But her joy was very apparent. Body language says it all and that girl was ecstatic. I knew she would be, though. She took it seriously from the beginning. And now she has a gorgeous ring on her finger. I really wish ABC wouldn’t have chosen Jackie’s song to be the one playing as they replayed Brad and Em’s relationship developing. Oh well, I love the song so it’s still a treat to hear.

The season closed just as I thought it would. Now I have to sit & suffer through a season of DWTS and find something else to watch while we wait for REAL tv to begin airing on Monday nights again. I already can’t wait for the Bachelorette!

As for After the Final Rose...I do have thoughts on that. Stay tuned.

Peace out, loyal readers.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The First Vote-Off

What a crib they are shacked up in! The opening song - MJ. I’m all about it! Naima seriously needs some moves. That leg kick in the beginning. Ewww. And watching Ashton make love to the camera. Oh my! Ick. Cute top though. It’s black, it’s white...that’s the stuff. Man in the mirror too? Somebody knocked the opening scene out of the park. But why no Billie Jean? Sad face.

I sure hope Ford pays a pretty penny for all of these REdonkulous commercials. I hit fast forward.

Taking the stage: Jacob, Karen, Stefano. My heart raced a little. No question in my mind that Stefano deserves to move on. I secretly, well not so secretly, hoped he’d be the only one to move on. No such luck. One more week of quiver lips. Karen hits stage left.

Thank you Idol for a little taste of Lambert. Could’ve done without that signature screaming, but it comes with the territory so I’m cool with it.

Next on stage: Lauren, Ashton, Haley. I’ve made it painfully obvious I want Ashton in the bottom 3, but as I look at these 3 standing there, I feel nervous. I am thinking America will keep Lauren around a little longer. And I’m afraid it’s the same story for Ashton. I’m worried Haley will be second in the bottom 3. Wellll two out of three ain’t bad. Ashton - bottom 3! Hip hip hooray. Unfortunately, Haley too. Props to Haley for choosing that outfit! Lookin’ stylish.

Must have been nice for the others on the couch to never even have to take center stage! My Pauly is through! My James is through! My Thia! My Pia! Woohoo!

Ashton in the bottom 3, Diddy takes the stage, sweeeet! It’s my night so far.

As I sit and watch the bottom 3 file back to center, my fingers are crossed so tightly that Haley gets relief first! But it was Karen. Oh well. As I look at what’s left, my heart drops. I’m shaking for Haley. The moment comes. Ryan hesitates.......Ashton! YESSSSS! See ya. It ISSSSS my night! Apparently I wasn’t the only one that didn’t feel her. Happy face. As she sang for “the save” I, along with the rest of the world, knew in my heart of hearts it was a futile attempt. Buh bye Ashton Jones...good riddance to you and your over the top eye makeup. As I watched her snotting to her exit video, I gagged and thanked the stars she’s out!

First Performances, Week 1

Tonight was the beginning of what I anticipate will be a beautiful season. I expected more out of some, but was not disappointed that my faves all did their songs justice. I believe some of the contestants must have left the stage fighting tears of pain, others fighting tears of joy. Either way, I was entertained. This season is going to rock! Sing on!


Eye makeup. Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lead with that. I’m not the hugest country music fan. However, Shania is definitely one of the greats. And although I am guilty of singing Honey I’m Home at the top of my lungs when noone is watching, it is not the song for the Idol stage. Karaoke bar maybe. Not Idol. Lauren is still annoying.


I ask myself WHERE this guy has been. WHERE the heck has he been! I don’t understand why he hasn’t been discovered. Really, has there never been a moment where someone listening to him sing didn’t think to themselves that he is THE REAL DEAL! Oh boy, oh Lordy, seriously dude. This cat is fo’ real!


Once again, disappointed. OF COURSE she picked Diana. Of course she did. They just told her last week she reminds them of Diana. So this week she claims Diana is her idol. Duh! C’mon Ashton, be original. Ugh. I DO NOT like this chick!


Paul sweet Paul. I love his chicken wing. I really love this guy. I like his quirky dance moves. So sue me.


Four words - shut the front door. This woman is phenomenal! Who has pipes like that? WHO? I really can’t even find the words. I just know that as she sang I was like, “Celine who?” Goosebumps. I almost cried.


Baby I AMMMM amazed! Am I the only one out there who feels he is the best.rocker.ever on this show?! And by rocker I mean metal rocker. I’d never disrespect the great Daughtry! Who remembers Steelheart. Tesla. Slaughter. Yes I’m going there. He doth possess THAT kind of talent, yes he does. Plus, I heart his sweet personality and stellar faux hawk!


Love her brown eyes. But unfortunately, I was the one who was left blue tonight. I do like Miss Haley but bad song choice, my dear. Thank you Randy for calling out the bore factor. I feel like I am going to hear that gentle yodel the rest of the night playing in my mind. I don’t know...bottom 3 for sure. Yo-de-lay-he-who.


R Kelly? That’s Jacob’s hero? Really? I felt uncomfortable watching his lips quiver in the beginning of the song when he had to do something besides sing at the top of his lungs, mouth wide open as if catching bugs. What the heck with that one long note that made birds fall from the sky. And were those backup singers wearing church choir robes or graduation gowns? Confusing all around. I believe I can cry.


This little cutie makes me smile. A lot. So effortless in her angelic melodies. I’m a little worried people won’t relate to tonight’s performance. That said, you won’t find me speaking ill of my little Thia Megia.


I would imagine Jen’s libido was pulsating. Not sure he did Stevie proud, but I liked it. And judging by the head bobbing motion Jen was making, I’m pretty sure she liked it too. She called him baby. Awww.


Fitting that her idol is someone I don’t know. Ok, so her idol is a Latina singer who had a movie made after her. Who played Selena in the movie? J-Lo. WHAT? NOOOO. Nicely played, Karen. Or not.


At least he picked someone other than Josh Turner as his idol. I honestly didn’t expect Garth, but he couldn’t have picked a better idol. Garth is hard to top. Scotty is an impeccable country singer no doubt about it. Just for whatever reason, he isn’t one of my personal faves. I’m totally rooting for Nashville to pick this guy up though.


Rihanna. Now THAT’S more like it!! My kind of idol, baby! Naima (love her name, btw) looked really cute in rehearsal. With the newsboy hat and tall cons. Yes, girl. But the vocals. Ouch. Rihanna is way too big for her. Way too big for most people actually. This performance made NO sense to me. What was it? All of the jerky moves were creepy. The brief rapping segment was confusing. The dancing was atrocious. Yes, I just channelled my inner Simon. I miss him. I prefer him over the dog. Ok, re-focusing. Was she speaking another language in her post performance segment with Ryan? What was that? What did she say?

I’m guessing the bottom 3 will be Naima, Haley and Karen. Although wishful thinking compels me to say Ashton might make the bottom 3. I’m off to go stand under my umb-a-rella ella ella.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Who made the cut?

This season has been the greatest I’ve ever seen. First off, I am totally digging the new judging panel. I never liked pill-popping Paula very well, I knew I wouldn’t miss Kara, Ellen (although my FAVORITE talk show host) didn’t have enough valuable input, but I was worried Simon was going to be irreplaceable. But boy was I wrong. I liked Simon a lot. He was crass, blunt, and harsh at times but the man knew his stuff! I’m here to say that Steven Tyler is the bomb! And J-Lo...far more lovable than Paula and Kara put together. Secondly, there was more talent this season than I'd ever seen. It's shaping up to be a great season! Here’s my brief take on this year’s lineup.

America’s Top Ten - In order of my own personal preference

Thia Megia - MY FAVIE

I heart Thia Megia. I really really heart her. I honestly can’t say enough good things about her. She’s not the most outstanding singer ever. She still a pup. There’s just something about this girl that makes her my front runner!

Paul McDonald

Paul. He has it. I’m so drawn to him. I love his style. I love his rose jacket. I love his hair. I love his white teeth. Nothing negative to say about my Paul.

Casey Abrams

The show’s own Seth Rogen. Man I love this guy. His sense of humor, his happy personality, his upbeat attitude...he is the total package.

Pia Toscano

This girl not only can saaaaang, but she is gorgeous to boot! Her last performance was AH-MAZ-ING! Top 5 for sure...possibly top 2.

James Durbin

This season’s Adam Lambert? Not quite the screamer, but equally as talented in my opinion. He might get old. That’s the only that about him that worries me.

Scotty McCreery

Such an interesting young man. I like his seemingly gentle nature and his deep voice, but I don’t see him making it very far. Although he IS the only country boy, soooo...

Haley Reinhart

I really like this little cutie. Not sure how far she’ll go, but for the record I like her.

Lauren Alaina

This girl has a set of pipes on her, now! For me, though, it doesn’t take long to get past the awesome singing voice to find the fingernails on the chalkboard. This girl has a pleasant disposition, but she uses it for evil. She and her Mom just annoy me. Can’t help it.

Jacob Lusk

This kid needs to be on Broadway, because on the Idol stage his theatrics just grate on my nerves. He’s truly talented, but I can’t take much of him.

Karen Rodriguez


Wild Cards - Again, in order the way I rank them.

Stefano Langone

J-Lo’s little hottie. He may be an early cut, but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.

Naima Adedapo

I wanted her to make it. I was glad she got a wild card. She has talent, she has style and I just all around like her.

Ashton Jones

OH-MY-GOSH are you kidding? I can’t STAND this girl! The one and only of the finalists I dislike. She’s a good singer but I don’t like her demeanor. She seems to have too much attitude for me. Too much potential to let things go to her head and act a fool! Yuck!

Sad to see go

Tim Halperin

I don’t suppose he was the greatest singer in the competition. I just liked his look and his personality.

Jovany Barreto

This dude was plain old cool. I must mention that rockin’ 6 pack he showed off in his first audition. Oooh-la-la. Good singer as well. It just wasn’t in the cards for him.

Julie Zorrilla

This competition was just too big for this beautiful girl. I wanted her to stay, but I wasn’t surprised she didn’t.

Kendra Chantelle

I’d have much rather her made it through than Ashton. However, she wasn’t one of my favorites so I’m not sure how much I would’ve cheered for her. She does have a pretty voice though.

Lauren Turner

I’m pretty sure her downfall was due to lack of exposure. Who even knew this girl? Plus her look isn’t near as appealing as some of the others. Still, she had a terrific voice!

Glad to see go

Clint Jun Gamboa

In his first audition, I was a die hard Clint fan! But then came Hollywood. Oh boy did he turn into a diva. And not the good kind. The hateful little troll kind! I totally rooted against this guy!

Brett Loewenstern

Talented, yes. But for whatever reason, I just couldn’t get on board with him. That said, I hope this exposure does jump start a career for him.


I.despise.this.guy! Wow he thought he was God’s gift to the world. His arrogance got under my skin in Hollywood week and never left. Ugh. Good riddance!

Rachel Zevita

I was a huge fan of hers at first. I like likeD her style a lot...until her top 24 performance. Who was that girl on the top 24 stage? I lost respect. I’m not a fan of people who try to be something they’re not. I wish good things for her, though.

Robbie Rosen

I’m glad he’s gone...ish. I do like his voice. I’ll give him that. However...forgive me, but there is something hard to watch about his performances. I don’t know. It is what it is.

Ta-Tynisa Wilson

Very pretty girl but I’m pretty sure the judges were left scratching their heads about this one. Her final performance was TERRIBLE. Glad to see her go.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Women DO Tell All, Episode 10

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! The ladies did not disappoint!

As expected the show began with flashbacks of earlier days. Enter Chantal’s slap. SCORE! I love that moment. In the beginning, I was appalled by it. However, it totally grew on me as the show progressed. It’s a source of humor. I rewound and watched it again...and again a third time. As Brad so eloquently put it, “it was the slap heard ‘round the world.” Yes sir, it was. Or at least ‘round my house a few times. I’d like ABC to have looped the slap + his response about 8 times just for my own personal amusement. Smack-OOOkay-smack-OOOkay-smack. We also got to relive the cotton candy and wine, the fangs, talk of “leakage” and cremation, and our resident WO-maaaan. **says in voice reminiscent of the infamous Sixteen Candles gym scene where Jake’s friend tells him, “You got Caroline. Now she’s a WO-maaaan.” **

How about the scenes from the Bachelor Pad casting parties? Woohoo. Kasey was there scoping out pretty toes and showing off his Guard-&-Protect-Your-Heart tattoo. Ty was there trying to look for a desperate woman to find him attractive. Craig was no doubt just trying to hook up with the easiest target there just to feel like he can “bag a babe.” Wes was trying to find one soul who isn’t sick of his one and only song. Rosalyn was scoping out the staffers to find her next target. Erica Rose (whoever the heck that is) was showing off some freakishly large, and OBVIOUSLY real, knockers. Gia was back with her words of wisdom coupled with added insult. Natalie was there just to annoy me. Vienna. Did my eyes play tricks on me? They brought that cross-eyed harlet back? Does she have a fan? I even caught a glimpse of Justin. He must have forgotten his fake leg cast and crutches because he was in the pool with some faceless chick who thought it appropriate to be topless. Nice crop of losers, ABC! Shaping up to be a fascinating BP!!

A paragraph dedicated to a couple of party guests that NEVER miss my radar. Sweet Ali. Plus the one and only. Lust inducing *tongue roll* Rrrrroberrrrrto. Sultry. Sensually delightful. Carnal perfection. Bootylicious. Salacious bag of temptation. Steamy. Randy. Aphrodisiac in beautiful brown packaging. Ummmm *throat clears* bad. Anyone have a light?

Just to point out and give props to the lady who admittedly has too much junk in her trunk, Miss Alli was dressed in, not green...but blue! Gold star for you! Better yet, give the girl a blue star to match her dress.  The cast perches on their little contemporary stools. An unfamiliar woman takes front and center. Dark hair, bangs, scarlet lips, peculiar eye makeup, hair extensions, stylish clothes, voice like Ashley H. Wait. Was it? Could it have been? It couldn’t possibly be. Ok, maybe it was. I want old Ashley back! Madison. Where are the fangs? Where? She left them behind. But she certainly brought that big heart of hers. Why again did people not like her? I did and I’m proud of it! She should’ve flown her freak flag tonight though. Wave it proud, leader of the underworld!

ONLY 23 minutes people...23 minutes!!!! It’s like ABC is reading my blog and my mind. Lick your lips and recover from the Rrrrroberrrrto sighting!!

We flashback to the Raichel/Melissa saga. Nice little preview to the main event. The good news, we got a fang sighting. We also caught a glimpse of little peacock earring wearing, F-bomb dropping, bitter little Kim. So glad she didn’t show for this episode. 

Lisa. The mousy little fuzzy-haired nobody jumped in and got the pot stirring about Michelle. Not sure she said more than 5 words all season, none of them memorable, and she of all people addresses the elephant in the room. And does it in such a way that she doesn’t look bad. Yes. She came to play, my friends. Then our cheating bartender jumps in. Yes ma’am she came to play, too! At first response, Cruella and her cornucopia of arrogant personalities appeared. But then - out of nowhere - personality 41. The one who graduated top of her class from Juilliard School of BS...I mean Drama. Tears. You heard me, the spider went down the water spout crying. The other ladies were on the attack. Harrison presses the pause button. Thanks for the tease, spray tan! Wait for it....

It’s time to pick back up on the saga. Wow with Raichel and that obvious out front clap. Immature and inappropriate? Maybe, but go girl! I loathe Melissa! We were reminded of Michelle’s one shining moment - “The cougar needs to get back in her cage.” Aces! But there we went. The two girls couldn’t contain their disdain for one another. It was totally laughable that our cracked out cougar once again played the victim. Raichel did verge on self-destructive behavior and made herself look bad, however she didn’t bother me here because again...I loathe Melissa. That said, Raichel is WAY out of line for saying Melissa ruined her chances with Brad. These women were all in charge of their own actions. And Melissa is in charge of her onion and pepper breath. There’s a moment for the record books: Hiiiiiiiiiiiii Brad. Liiiiike my onion breath? I only ate foooouuuuurrrrr pieces.

Aaannnd the moment arrives. Personality 41 again. First I’ll address the fact that she uses the fact that she left a daughter at home for the show as justification for acting a fool. Ok, she left a daughter at home. So did Emily. She’s looking for a baby daddy. So is Emily. She missed her baby girl. So does Emily. Are we seeing the pattern? I have a bleeding heart. I can’t stand to see anyone cry and hurt. Or rather, I CAN’T STAND to see anyone cry and “hurt.” That’s more like it. Don’t overlook the quotations. As I watch the tears fall I keep picturing her saying, “I’d like to thank the Academy.” As the audience cheered for someone coming to her defense, I wanted to ask, “Did you WATCH the show?” Am I the only one out there that remembers ALL SEVEN episodes? That remembers the hate-riddled comments she made to the cameras after playing nice with everyone? That remembers the psychotic rants about the other girls, namely Chantal? That remembers her air elbowing Chantal? That remembers her jealous rages? She didn’t have one dark moment. She had SEVEN episodes worth of dark moments. The woman - notice I called her by her preferred title - we see tonight isn’t the Michelle we saw for nearly 2 months. Intense situations make people have intense moments. However, for 7 episodes she was consistently catty, jealous, two-faced, psychotic, manic and plain old hateful. That’s more than a moment. The girls sitting around her know it and they saw way more than we at home saw. They were with her 24/7. They were vocal. We could see Ash H.’s bleeding heart, but that’s not surprising. She’s gonna be sad if someone runs out of toilet paper. But the others stood up to the incessant crying which held zero weight for me. Harrison had to be her knight in shining armor? He actually said the words, “Like really?” Chris Harrison used the word  ‘like’ in a sentence. That’s our own little woman rubbing off on him. She has a quota to reach: 10 ‘likes’ per sentence. Anyhoo, a commercial break and then... Personality 41 waivers. That old familiar hateful one shines through the saline drops, I mean tears. Did Harrison really accuse Jackie of being jealous? Someone replaced our intriguing host with a catty teenage girl. Let’s think about something. Michelle makes the comment that Brad needs someone like Emily. For me, that is code for, “Chantal is a no-good redneck snob and I’m so furious that she made it further than I did! Ugh, I hope lions and tigers eat her in the finale! She is no good for Brad and needs to be kicked to the curb.” Helllooo, she has openly hated Chantal for several weeks. OF COURSE she’s going to be team Emily!

Ash S. takes the hot seat in her sparkly potato sack dress. I’m so happy we got to see the infamous butt grab again! Well, infamous in my world anyway. Butt grabs are cool. And why am I just now noticing she was wearing a silly band in the exit limo in Vegas. Was it the shape of a Tar Heel? Elvis? The Vegas sign? Brad’s butt? I’m sorry but her time in the hot seat was a bit dull.

The girl that sorta kinda resembles Ashley H. takes the hot seat. Watching the carnival date, I’m wondering what happened. We saw the old Ashley. Jealousy, insecurity, tears, alcohol abuse, blond highlights, lower lid eye liner. Life before the weird Geisha phase.

Enter Womack. [I think] I love his enthusiasm about the fact that he is IN LOVE. I’m not sure he redeemed himself with our little North Carolina girl, Ash. He certainly didn’t make her feel any more marriage-worthy. He didn’t bother to explain why he thought she wouldn’t be a good wife. He only dished on himself by saying, “who the [H-E-double-hockey-sticks] am I to say?” Nice, Womack. You might as well have told her to go buy a cat, a bottle of scotch and a deck of Old Maid cards. Next - Michelle. So clearly he’s gonna defend her until he’s blue in the face. Right about now, I wanting to kick Papa Smurfs arrrrs! Really? Like we don’t remember the fear in your eyes, the contempt in your voice? C’mon son, you hated her as much as the rest of us. Now she sheds some tears, gives herself another black eye and a red nose, and all of a sudden she’s Mother flippin’ Teresa? Ok, is this really happening? Papa Smurf loved her confidence. And he apparently dumped her because “we are too much alike.” Ok Brad...whatever helps you sleep at night. Maybe YOU should be the one kicking your own *** since Michelle joked that she did that same thing. Because that’s what people do. They have throw downs with themselves in their sleep. Yeah that’s what happened.

The blooper reel. Ahhhh after an intense night, we get a few giggles. Ride that donkey, donkey. Elephant romance. A random perv watching girls jump on the bed until it breaks. Honorable mention: my sweet little Rockette Keltie. I sooo hoped she’d be there tonight, but no such luck. Moving on. Freakishly talented wine drinking toes. And my personal fave - a beach streaker. Nice seashells.

The recaps of the 2 finalists serve to remind me how much I love Emily. It also reminded me how hideous plastic faces and hair plugs are. I’d totally forgotten, although I don’t know how, Em’s gorgeous black dress from the first night! The preview for the finale looks like Capetown holds some drama. No matter what, though, I honestly feel like Emily is going to be the new Mrs. Womack. She’s the only one it previews walking down the stairs to where Brad is standing. It only shows Chantal getting out of the car. I’m reaching, yes I am. I can’t help it. I love me some Emily and have from day one. I have never wavered.

The end draws near. What’s a girl to do? How do I live without my beloved Bachelor? I’ll spend the next few months waiting on the next season of Bachelorette. So until next week, holding out hope...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Overnights, Episode 9

Was this an amped up version of Animal Planet? Were we supposed to be so lost in the moment that we didn’t realize this was more like a drive through zoo than an African Safari? Bachelor meets Disney’s Animal Kingdom. 

Predictable that they meet in the wilderness, Chantal beeboppin’ along in her shortie shorts and sweet Cons. The first words he speaks to her? “You can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” It’s 2011 Brad! People don’t still... never mind.

Moving on. The first thing they see on zoo train, I mean safari jeep, is a sleeping pride. Hmmm. Nyquil induced? Next step - a “dangerous” picnic amongst wild carnivores. Good thing the guide brought a prop, I mean that high powered rifle. I keep’s a REAL safari. I like the way Womack tells her he misses her family. I can just hear her Dad saying, “I knew it! I knew the creepy man hugs would win him over!!” Score one for Barney shirt!

The dinner was short-lived. She brought the ladies out to play. Everyone knows this is the date where you get “the card.” Yes, THE CARD. A disturbing and revealing part of the conversation - Chantal reveals she’d get married on the spot if he asks. To a man she practically just met. To a man who is going to have overnights with 2 other women in the same week as hers. Oh well, desperation reveals itself. The highly anticipated card arrives. Pretty sure she didn’t even read the whole card before she adjusted her tatas, hopped up, drew air hearts and started figuring out how to make a baby in a tree house. This girl made it a little too obvious she was gonna...well you can finish that thought. Timon and Pumbaa were watching from the bushes along with Mufasa and his yawning. That’s one show the animals could’ve lived without.

Emily and her cute little boots. Once again, Brad arrives in style. Who gets picked up for a date on an elephant?? Emily does. Conversation is always good with them. And Brad always has sweaty palms. I love that he reassured her that he is perfectly fine with his package. Oh wait - he is perfectly fine with the fact that she is a package deal. Yeah, that’s it. Over dinner, Brad’s nerves got the best of him. Is he afraid he’ll trip and fall? Does he see a deadly animal hiding in the bushes? Is he paranoid he’ll break wind in front of her? What’s with the sweating and fidgeting, Womack?! With this particular date, he was probably nervous about the date card. Would she say yes? Would she say no? Would she like the pink fuzzy handcuffs he brought? As she read the card, he squirmed as he peed his pants just a little. Then she starts making it obvious she was going to make the trip to the fantasy suite. At the first moment he realized she was saying yes, he wrestled his cheek muscles trying to hold back his over the top smiles. When he finally gave in, it was a beautiful moment! Not as beautiful as the moment she professed her love. Thought he was going to cry! Hook and line, meet sinker! That’s all he needed. Once again our little rule breaker crosses ABC’s lines by being the first Bachelor I can remember to tell a woman he loves her before the finale. Pitter patter.

Ashley is ecstatic to see her man and he acts slightly less than enthused. Another helicopter? Really? He didn’t put much creative thought into this. But then again, this IS the girl who made him eat french fries with gravy and cheese. My gag reflex has just now quit twitching. Ashley got the most gorgeous daytime date of all 3 of them though. The landscape was breath taking. It seemed as if it should be setting the stage for a phenomenal date. No such luck. That chopper ride is where the beauty ended. A picnic on a beautiful mountain in South Africa and she has an attack of honesty?? Ashley and her poor judgment. In that moment, revealing that she most likely wouldn’t be willing to relocate for him might not have been the brightest move. If you want to catch a Bachelor, a little compromise and ego stroking come with the territory. But instead we get selfish conversation, awkward silences and weird laughs. Yes she’d be willing to Southern Maine! So basically, across town.

The daytime portion of this date set a less than ideal tone for dinner. However, the dinner/surroundings laid before them should’ve been a great way to move past the awkwardness of the day. But noooo, our little idiot has to bring up the sore subjects again. Smart! Real smart! Her immaturity has shown itself in other ways during the season, but it is on fire on this date! She honestly felt like she had secured her spot enough to get away with being a baby about things and being mildly insulting toward him. Is she in dental school or high school? It’s high school, I know it is. C’mon Brad she wrote your initials on her notebook, she OBVIOUSLY loves you. Just have faith! I like how he added, “happy to be here.” cricket cricket. I’m pretty sure she has no lining on the inside of her mouth considering she has once again chewed on herself the entire day and night.

The moment I dreaded, the fantasy suite card. He reluctantly gives it to her. She reads it, makes a paper airplane out of it, and sails it into the fire! Of course she said yes. Of course. She gets to make out somewhere besides a back seat after prom! The only kiss we saw, and I suspect the only kiss of the night, was excruciating to watch. He looked like he was kissing his grandma. Fail!

One hour and 27 minutes! I had lost hope! I couldn’t have taken 2 weeks in a row without it. I grant forgiveness after last week’s disappointment. Nevermind the fact that it took nearly an hour and a half...shirtless Brad is back. Thank you ABC. You have restored my confidence in your editors.

Harrison got himself a spray tan for the trip across the ocean. He sits and asks those scripted questions, draws his hands together out in front of his chest, and stares and nods as if he gives a crap what is on Brad’s mind. While Brad explains his thoughts and feelings in a Dr. Jamie type of way, Harrison is thinking, “yeah yeah yeah dude. You know Emily is the hottest. Easy-in-the-treehouse Chantal has plastic parents. Ashley has her high school graduation coming up soon. Stop yammering on about deep feelings blah blah blah and such, and get on with it. I have a safari to get to! Why are those bugs so flippin’ loud? Does anyone have any Deep Woods Off?”

I think we all felt what was coming next. He tests Ashley’s stamina by making her walk up 480 flights of stairs. Once again he does things his way. Instead of doing the rose thing, they take off. She knows what’s coming, I suspect. She hikes in her heels without making a sound, except for moans. After yet another tense and uncomfortable conversation, we witnessed an even more tense and uncomfortable buy-bye. She could’ve been a little more mature about it, though. Oh well, I’m sure she won’t have any trouble finding someone to take her to the homecoming dance.

Next week - the women tell all! YES! I love the craziness of that episode. Let the claws come out! Maybe Michelle has finally taken up a career in motivational speaking, lecturing females on how to be a real woman. Maybe Alli will be dressed in a color other than green. Maybe Melissa and Raichel will follow through with the cat fight they didn’t deliver on during filming! And maybe our sweet little Ash S. will grab Harrison’s butt!

One thought on the finale didn’t show him with anyone on the proposal spot. He was standing there waiting on Mrs. Right. I know he picks someone (Emily Emily Emily PLEASE), but it looks like he lets the loser go before the final rose ceremony. Probably “out of respect”... or maybe because he likes to be different. Either way, I have to keep the faith that he picks Em. If that is the case, I’d rather see Pickler as the next Bachelorette than Chantal. I think gravy potatoes couldn’t handle being the Bachelorette...and I couldn’t handle her mood swings!

Monday night, pop your popcorn and prop your feet up. I feel drama headed our way! The women WILL tell all! Until next week...