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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hong Kong, Episode 6

Of course the show kicks off with Bentley Bentley Bentley. Even I, a fan of his cockamamie lines, am tired of him. Well...maybe I’m more tired of the buildup. Please notice my use of the dot dot dot in previous sentence. If I weren’t already a user of those three little dots, I’d be inspired now. Instead of saying no in the future, I might just say, “let’s leave it at the dot dot dot.” Yes that’s it!
Annnnnd roll tape. To my surprise...IT’S HERE! Yayyyy the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Harrison’s knock on the hotel room door we’ve seen previewed for 2 weeks!
Ash: Hi Chris. You’re scaring me! Have the guys flown the coop? Am I left all alone in Hong Kong to drown myself in my Bentley sorrows? Did you find my sense of humor I left in LA? Did Dr. Tata cancel my rack consultation? Oh noooooo now I’ll NEVER wear more than a training bra!!!!
Harrison: CHILLLLLLL woman!! First off, I’m pretty sure Dr. Tata is still waiting back in LA to size you up. Second, what sense of humor? You are the most prudish, boring, insecure........oh wait wait wait. What did I come here for? Oh yeah. Your roadblock. Listen, you have some really stellar dudes here, but since you’re sooooooo hung up on Bentley you get your way. He wants to talk to you.
Ash: Ok great. Great great great! Super great! Are we going to Skype? Should I stuff my trainer with socks or toilet paper? Oh my gosh!
Harrison: You decide that disturbing detail on your town. He’s here in the hotel.
Ash: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! You better not be joking, Chris Harrison. I’ll slap you right out of that baby blue & white checkered button up.
Harrison: Get your hormones in check, weirdo. Why would I joke about something so serious...ish?
Ash: Ok ok ok I believe you. Excuse me while I blow my nose. Are you telling me that he flew halfway around the world for MEEE? Give me a minute to prepare. (Code for: re-think this bra stuffing thing)
Harrison: Well if by MEEE you mean camera time, then yes. He’s here for YOUUU. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Ash: Should I tell him I love him? Should I ask him to marry me? Should I ask him if I can have his baby? Decisions decisions!
Harrison: Here’s his room number. I wrote it down for you so you wouldn’t forget it on the way down the hall. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Ash: Which way to the fantasy suite?
Harrison: Back the truck up, Paris. The show isn’t Sexcapades with Chris Harrison. You’re here to find love. It’s apparent you believe that’s going to happen with Bentley. So good luck with that.
Ash: Did you just snicker?
Harrison: Why no, Ash. Why would I do that? He’s sincere. After all, he DID give you a dot dot dot.
Ash: You’re right. He does love me. Get out, Chris. I gotta brush my teeth! Peace.
More drama buildup, deep thoughts by Ashley Hebert, creepy music, commercial break - dot dot dot
We resume with Ashley walking down the hallway. She approaches his door, stops to take a couple of deep breaths and looks down to see if she has a hint of cleavage there in that semi-sheer top. After all, she needs all the ammo she can get. Knock knock knock. Who is it? Is that you, dot? Ohhhhhh, nowwww it makes sense. Carry on. They hug. They take the couch. She says, “Do you come here often?” She ACTUALLY used a tired cliched line. That just happened. Ashley wiped her drool off the mouth of the man of her dreams. Bentley opens his mouth. Showtime! He starts by letting her know calling wouldn’t have been good enough. He had to fly halfway around the world to see her. Hook. Giddy grins. Fear that her mouthwash is wearing off. She grows brass and tells him she doesn’t deserve the dot dot dot, followed by her theory that fate brought them together. He lets her know that she should know where he’s at, him being home doesn’t look good for them. She brings up talk about periods. Infer what you will. But I do point out she’s looking cranky at this point. Anyhoo, she’s tired of the stupid dot dot dot. She throws in an F-bomb for good measure. She’s setting up a scenario where, in her mind, she appears uninterested, hence causing him to beg to come back on the show. Her game play begins. Backfire. He takes two dots away and hands over the dreaded period. Ash: “So you came all the way here to hand me a period? Why didn’t you just call? Did you want a vacay?” Bentley: “Because I wanted to see you.” (bites his lower lip, stares into her eyes, gives her a come hither smile) She points out it’s hot in there. Although I’m pretty sure the thermostat is set on 69, so how could she be hot? Her finger grazes her lower lip. She brushes back her hair. Bitterness and despair set in. She drops another F-bomb in the interview clip and proclaims she’s DONE with him. She thought she was calling his bluff. Dang, I’m no good at this game, she thinks to herself. After a two week buildup, we get a game set match instead of a dot dot dot. In spite of his attempts to keep her interested, this time we got a hook without the line and sinker.
Now that that’s over, she feels refreshed and liberated. Yeah, now she’s excited about seeing the other guys. Lucas gets a one on one. They will “find good fortune” on the streets of Hong Kong. Yayyyyyy, they’re going to check the sidewalks for pennies. But don’t worry...they’ll only grab the heads up ones.
Ash shows up in another sheer top. Ben F inspired her. He filled his out a little better, though. She also threw some sort of weird French braid across the center of her head, as to distinguish between the business in the front and the party in the back. See where I’m going with this? But she did have on some cute heels, although she should’ve went with a gold strappy wedge. Back to our Texan golfer. They stroll the streets and stumble upon a sidewalk grill. What were they cooking up? Not something tasty like General Tso’s chicken or Mongolian Beef. It was pig intestine. Yumm. Spicy. Chewy. Can I please have a drink of your monkey brain milkshake to help wash this down? Can we go back to Micky D’s?
I try not to dwell too much on the little interview clips unless something is said that sparks my interest. Five minutes into this date, we see a clip of her saying, “I’m having fun with Lucas. I haven’t even thought about Bentley.” Irony much?
She asks him to tell her about the toughest thing he’s ever gone through. Buzz kill. Nonetheless, he starts talking about his divorce and his ex. Now that’s the ticket, Tiger. Give her juicy details of your past relationships! Makes her feel more confident and secure. She’s pathetic like that.
Back at the crib the boys mull over one-on-ones, or where Blake and Ryan are concerned - the lack thereof. The date card arrives and Ben gets the door. (My DVR seemed a little sketchy, so I rewound and watched him answer the door again just to test the waters) Loving the shirt, Benny poo. Group date: Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames, Blake. JP gets the one-on-one.
Ash tries to play a dirty trick on Lucas and pretend not to be interested, then she asks him to accept the rose. He responds with a yes ma’am. Thank you sweetheart. Did we just have our first kiss and I missed it?! Let’s try again. It’s Lucas’ best first date. I’m sensing a common theme.
The group date begins. Dragon boat racing. Really? The Thai boxing didn’t bring forth enough testosterone? Is this some sort of adventurous reality TV show or a dating show. Refocusing on The Amazing Race, I mean The Bachelorette.
Ben and Constantine rock the red silk kimonos. Ooh la la. Ames disses their attire. Ken...of all yuppies. Anyhoo, these 2 guys have learned a new chant which translates to eat it. Well actually it was idiot, but who’s judging. Baichi baichi. Rock on, team red dragon!
Exchange during rowing...
Ben: We’re getting smoked.
Constantine: Like salmon, bro.
Smiley face.
A proposal is happening on the beach next to them. Complete coincidence. It was. I swear. On to dinner.
Now we’re talkin’, Ash. Thanks for steppin up the wardrobe with something we can’t see through. Digging the white soled, wide strap Barbie doll heels and the sparkly bracelet. The dress almost hit the mark. Fitted open back mini - it works. The straps were mildly cautious and the animal print isn’t exactly magic. But oh well, at least she shed the braid.
Ames attacks her in the elevator. His assertiveness can be attributed partially to the concussion, but mostly to his obvious inebriation. He brags about having been there before. Not Hong Kong in general, but the 48th floor of that particular building. I’m beginning to wonder if he moonlights as the travel consultant for the show. Hmmm.
Back at the room, the date card arrives. JP gets to “take a peek” into their future. Not sure what’s in store, but I feel certain some kissing will be involved. Lots of it.
Now it’s Ben’s turn on the balcony. His primo fashion sense strikes again! Seriously, who could pull that off better than Ben? Next, Ryan. He continues to grin and charm. She gets up and leaves his side to get the rose. She hasn’t even given the other guys a chance. The guys rag on him in their interviews. Blake more than any of them, but he does it in such an articulate manner that I can’t help but forgive him. Ben dislikes him too. Therefore, there must be some truth in this. But I’m still a fan.
On to JP’s one on one. Ash borrowed Ben’s white top. Well, maybe not. I’m not sure about this sheer collarless button up with oversize pockets. Not on her. It’s a bit much for my taste. But whatever. More cute shoes and another sparkly bracelet. JP spills his heart. She daydreams. She couldn’t think of anything clever to say so she steals a page out of Mickey’s book. She asks him the last time he cried. Sound familiar? His answer - when he broke up with his ex. Uh oh. He just opened up the proverbial can of worms. He didn’t know about her obsession with love life history. With that, she feels comfortable opening up about her “history” with her number one pick. So again, yes AGAIN, her time with JP is about Bentley. Wow. He gets the shaft not once, but twice. Seriously JP, bow out and go home to find a woman worth the salt in her tears. She reaches over a plate of balls of some sort to get the rose. Of course Jordan Paul accepts. By the way, are they sipping mimosas heavy on the champaign or is that panda urine? They travel by trolley to a scenic balcony to make out in the humid China breeze. She gets her kissy fix.
Her cocktail party dress and shoes did not disappoint, but I could have done without the high ballet bun. How about a low messy chignon reminiscent of LC’s red carpet ‘do. And why the repeat earring thing again. I want to see different ear adornment every week. Oh well, I’m no expert. I’m just a small town girl with an oversized opinion.
She makes the decision to use the guys as a sounding board regarding the Bentley drama. Like they give a rat’s dot dot dot. So now it’s clearer than ever to them that they are vying for Bentley’s sloppy seconds. Constantine & Lucas call her out on some things. She stumbles on her words as she assures them that she is now ready to move forward after being dumped by Bentley. Or as she words it, “getting closure” with Bentley. Blake picks up on the fact that she apparently got dumped. She is put on the spot about the fact that it obviously didn’t go well. She chooses her words wisely. Ummmm, wellllll, I mean, I guessssss, ummmmmm...oh screw it I think I’ll just grab my drink and go pout!
Good thing Ryan cares enough to chase her down and dry her tears. Ames philosophies about the beauty of the fact that fairy tales aren’t simple. The rest of the guys sit around and dish on her. I love. Blake takes off with her and seems to be saddling up for his moment to give her the third degree. He called her out. But thennnn........... she pulls out the tears. OH--MY--GOSH I’m so tired of seeing her cry. For a minute, Blake goes soft. But he gets his spine back. He’s ticked and not afraid to show it. Neither is Mickey.  I’m so glad he’s not afraid to tell her to send him home. She thinks she’s going to call his bluff by saying if he wants to go he should leave on his own. To her amazement she gets an okie dokie and a sayonara. Admittedly I’ve never been Mickey’s biggest fan, but today he is my hero. She cries again. I’m shocked. Between sobs she tries to convince them that she cares about each and every one of them. Somebody give the girl an Oscar! The hook line sinker award now goes the other way. Rose colored glasses, anyone?
Harrison sits her down after makeup refreshed her sob face. Good ole Chris watches her cry again as he mumbles a quick I told you so that goes undetected by our resident dumpee. He tells her to speak from the heart and wishes her luck from the bottom of his heart (not so much). She moves on to the rose ceremony. They’re all too nice to blatantly exhibit their frustrations, however none of them look overly enthused.
JP, Lucas and Ryan are in like Flynn.
Ben gets a rose. But of course! He’s my favie.
Constantine gets a rose.
Ames has that dazed look again. He’s partially hoping for the rose, partially hoping to sit down soon.
He gets the final rose. The drunken elevator kiss topped the verbal beating she took from Blake.
My prediction aka wishful thinking - Next week, Ken hops back in the pink corvette and cruises back to Barbie’s dream house. The next week, Lucas goes back to the Lone Star State. After hometowns for Ben, Ryan, JP & Constantine, I make new predictions.
She preaches about being open and honest. She begs them to be accepting of her open honesty. Blake is open and honest. Because of that, she sends him home. What was I saying about irony?
Just as I learn his name, he gets the boot. Darn it.
Next week we move to Taiwan. Hey Ames, have you been there too? More of the Orient. Trains, yoga,  Ames in a hideous jacket one can only hope is a costume for a themed date, a large finger wave, mopeds, sky lanterns (very cool). Apparently, there is something romantic about this region that I am unaware of. I’m just a beach girl. What can I say. Hope is in sight, though. Fiji here we come! (fyi - my dream destination) Someone returns. My guess - Blake. We see glimpses of the end. It’s the finale and she’s crying. Surprise surprise. I’m worried, though. I could’ve sworn we saw her dumping Ben at the end. But surely not. Who in the world is THAT stupid? Then again...

Saturday, June 25, 2011

15 Things We Have Learned From Movies

1. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving
5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
10. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
11. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
13. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer to speak English to each other.
14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

From Phuket to Chiang Mai, Episode 5

Are we really still in Thailand? Next week can we please, pretty please, move on to somewhere a little more romantic and a little less...ummm...Hangover II??
We begin by reliving the Bentley drama. Oh the dot dot dot. Still a chuckle in my soul as it relates to that line. Nonetheless, Ashley is hopeful this week. Still looking for her happy ending.
This week - three dates: a one-on-one, a group and a two-on-one. For Bachelorette newbies, no that’s not a menage a trois. It’s two dates rolled into one...ohhh the romance. 
The one-on-one meets my approval. “Ben F, let’s fall in love” in this sticky, mountainous, old town. 
Interjection: I knew Ames was stuffy, but did he really insist on pronouncing process with a long o? Pro (as in short for professional)-cess. I’m so over this dude.
First stop on Ben F’s date...a flea market by way of 3-wheeled taxi slash love machine. I can only assume she is taking him to a flea market because all dudes love to browse crowded tables with old crap nobody else wants in hopes of finding a hidden treasure only costing a quarter. Stick needles underneath my fingernails. It would be more fun than a foreign flea market! That said, they were grilling some food up so redemption is on the  menu. I love sampling food from different regions/cultures, however I have yet to see anything in Thailand that tempts my palate. The good news, they got to paint tiny umbrellas. Yayyyy....assuming my sarcasm can be sensed.
Next stop - a sacred temple. They sit on a bench staring into each other’s eyes, sexual tension mounting, performing a “mental kiss” and anticipating what will happen later. Easy there Ash, it’s not the week Harrison offers you a key and the option to forego things.
“Later” finally arrives for sweet Ben. When has a man ever looked hot in a sheer blouse? June 20, 2011 at 7:18 pm on ABC. Plus he used the word intricate and the word breath taking. A man with a bit of articulation and a vocabulary - sexy. About Ashley’s outfit...did she not get the memo that jumpers are really only cute in shorts or mini-skirt form? Capri length jumper: fashion no-no in the world according to Cheesecake Moments. More odd looking Thai cuisine. Can we go to Greece for gyros and baklava? Anyhoo. Ben F talks seriously. I faintly hear the story as I am completely distracted by his awesome hair and beautiful brown eyes. Yes, I’m a sucker for brown eyes. Next thing I know, she’s giving him the rose. As if there were ever any question! The evening culminates with a group of performers displaying feats of fire for which the lovebirds were completely incognizant of due to the fulfillment of their mounting tension.
Back at the pad Nick answers the door for the group date card. Although I can’t, for the life of me, figure out WHY he’s wearing a shirt! Did he not read my blog last week? Apparently not. Whatever, Nick. There’s your one way ticket to my doghouse. The group consists of Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP, Mickey. So William and Ben C are left for the final date. Heart crushing for me. Why do Blake & Lucas get a free pass? And Ames for that matter. While we leave 2 of my favies for the final date. Ashley, I like you less every moment.
Annnnnnd our first countdown of the season...32 minutes! If you followed me last season, you know what I’m referring to. If not, here’s a brief overview - when a bachelor, not even necessarily hot from the neck up (i.e. Nick), displays a bare torso that leaves me flabbergasted, I note the exact minute my TV screen is overcome with the radiant glow of said torso. Ok, so now that you are caught up on the whole countdown concept, you’ll understand when I say the fun began 32 minutes into this week’s show when we first saw Nick’s pecs. A quick assessment of the a bag over Ames’ head, or at least his Botoxed forehead, and he’s not half bad. Mickey’s sportin’ a nice 6 pack, plus he’s super tan and is a sexy sweater...if there is such a thing. But it kindof goes downhill from there. JP, as much as I love him, could cut glass with those nips. Constantine is rockin’ the beer gut (plus he didn’t take the time to shave his chest for this). Ryan, although a complete doll, sortof has man boobs. Blake (yes I finally remembered his name!), well I’m not sure what to say about his pre-pubescent looking trunk. And then there’s Lucas. Or should I say muffin top? Or bird legs? Take your pick. But Nick, he’s the real deal. That chest has got it goin’ on!
This date - Ryan said it best, “testosterone at its finest.” Why the heck would these guys agree to this? And why the heck would Ashley put them through it? So incredibly barbaric to make these guys beat the crap out of each other like that.
Round one - Blake over Lucas. All of a sudden, Blake has my attention. Not because of the fight, but something else happened. I can’t explain it. Out of nowhere, a spark. He finally sheds the title of “what’s his name.” Round 2 - JP over Mickey.  Round 3 - Ryan over Ames. Round 4 - The heavyweights. Constantine over Nick.
Two words I never pictured myself saying... poor Ames. He is just plain old out of it. Concussions are not fun. I felt sorry for him. Violence is probably the only word not in his vocabulary. Props for rockin’ the pink shorts, though!
The group date evolves into evening conversation. Ashley sporting a fantastic off the shoulder black tiered dress and some out of this world stilettos. Her fashion sense is improving. Ryan goes on about how bad he feels about what he did to Ames. He quickly proceeds to point out all of his bumps and bruises, though. Did the guys really rag on Ames’ pink shorts? I personally loved them. No reflection on my opinion toward him as a contestant. I just loved the shorts. He was clearly not feeling well, but showed up anyway. Apparently to deliver a cheesy joke about the doctors diagnosing him with the love bug.
Back at the ponderosa, my top 3 sit and chat about the two-on-one date on deck which involves my #2 and my #3. Could she possibly offer up 2 roses instead of one? At this point, I can only hope.
Resuming group date chit chat. Blake somehow rocks the aviator, unlike Ames. Maybe because he chose black over blue. Or just maybe because I am actually noticing him now. I don’t know. But she insists on thinking about Bentley as Blake tries to charm her...oh, and display his fear that she isn’t attracted to him. Ash decides a little role playing might just conjure up some attraction for Lucas. Golf pro, please. She asks that all-important question every great golfer needs answered - do I stick out my butt? All that’s missing is a little pizza delivery. Bow chicka wow wow. Thennnn........ buzzkill. He brings up Bentley. Fail. Regardless, she is obviously attracted to him. I expected a sympathy rose for Ames. But instead... Blake. His sad puppy “you’re not attracted to me” thing apparently struck a cord. He gets his reassurance after all. Yes, I’m beginning to have positive opinions toward him but his cold fish kisses aren’t exactly JP style. Just sayin.
The dreaded double date. They row down Deliverance river and William shows his sense of humor by asking if they are doing ok. They hit land and William gets time alone with her. Like a playground tattle tale, he uses it to dish on Ben C. Ashley looks disgusted with that story, but she also looks disgusted that he’s telling her. She takes silly Willy on his word (although I feel she never planned on keeping Ben anyway) and sends him packing. The fact that he was already considering the online dating game makes me realize he liked Ashley about as much as I do. Good luck Benny! Normally, I’d be a bit appalled by something like this. However, it’s Ben. And the victim is Ashley. She is doing him a favor, really. Mousy little crybaby Ashley and her Bentley baggage. Who in their right mind could ever be attracted to that anyway. William is happy, but in this moment, I’m thinking he’s not a shoe-in for the rose. Otherwise he’d have gotten it on that river bank, right? Still waiting to see how that turns out...
She & William head to their alone dinner. I gotta say...Ashley’s dinner dress... AH-maz-ing!! She brings up some “30 year old boy” comment he made in a moment of fun conversation in the past. She sends him home, too. No tremendous shock considering how the whole day played out. She tried to make it seem as if sending him home was about that comment he made way back when. But the fact of the matter is that she left her big girl panties at the comedy club and is still throwing herself a pity party about the Emily stuff. Grow up! He’ll have NOOO trouble finding someone, though. Tattle-tailing asside, he’s a cutie pie and I still heart him. I can’t move forward without making mention of the potty mouth interview...and the fact that he thinks his life can’t go on without her. Really, William? Without HER? ASHLEY? Are we talking about the same girl, here? I guess he’s a bit delusional. She burns his rose. Is this pyro season? She’s eliminating my favorites one by one. Who’s next? Ben F? There’s the point where I might just create an “I HATE ASHLEY HEBERT” Facebook page!
It’s cocktail party time and she is in the mood for another serious lecture. Ugh. These guys have got to be bored by this stuff. Also, she has went from a really bombtastic dress to the most unflattering rag she could have donned...aside from the lovely sunflower pj pants. And what’s up with that hairdo?  I don’t get it. Weirdest.Bachelorette.EVER.
Ryan has another “I’m all about you” talk with her and she seems more focused on the locust sounding insects chiming in every microphone on set. Or is that me who’s distracted with the bugs? Constantine gets his sit-down and we get to watch him sweat again. She grills him about how much he likes her. Her insecurities shine in every conversation she has. Wrong person for this job! It’s obviously 187 degrees out there, so why is Ames wearing a suit and tie. Even the guys in just a shirt & tie look miserable. She corners JP and throws her legs across his lap. Gee, I wonder why. Easier to move in for an earthshaking kiss? But then... no kiss. Bentley on the brain...again. She won’t even give these other guys a chance because of that. Wow she’s pathetic. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have the pleasure of writing about more Bentley drama. But she makes me ill with her revolting obsessing, totally unaware that he is disgusted by her. There is something to be said for karma.
Harrison tries to tell her what a fool she is, but she insists on getting “closure” with the dot dot dot. She wants to ask Bentley a couple simple questions. All of that is code for I know I can win Bentley over if you’ll give me another chance. Yeah, we’ll see about that.
Ben F, Blake, you’re good. Relax.
Who else stays and what she is thinking with each rose
Constantine, I’m not really sure why I’m picking you. I just am
Lucas, more golf lessons please
JP, me need kissy
Ames, I feel sorry for you
Mickey, I didn’t know you looked so sexy when you sweat
Ryan, I made you wait for the last rose because I’m evil like that
Who joins the Diary of the Departed?
Nick. Terrific! No more countdowns.
Next week, Hong Kong. The mystery hotel guest revealed - Bentley. Room 4315, where it all goes down. I can’t wait to watch him crush her fragile heart! And the other guys are growing disgusted by her. It seems those relationships go South. Karma. It is what it is.
The closing reel was one last look at the talented and handsome Ben C, Mister And a final look at the cleverly comedic William shooting his own Blair Witch style video he hopes will go viral.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Thigh-land, Episode 4

Harrison greets the fellas bright and early. Same date scenario as last week...a group and 2 one-on-ones. To our surprise, no date card! What? Why? Because we are headed to Thigh-land to hang out with Chow, Alan, and the guys. What city are we headed to? Phuket. Just sayin...
We start off with pitiful pathetic Ashley reminiscing about her time with Bentley. I just want to say, “STOP IT! HE DOESN’T CARE!” Gross.
She sits down with the “Navigator” to plan the dates. I’m wondering if they could have found a navigator who speaks more fluent English. Again, just sayin...
Date card time. Constantine. A fun day at sea is on the agenda. But then..... Mr. Chow’s uncle says the weather is too bad. Well at least that’s what we think he said. Again, the show couldn’t find anyone who speaks English. No boating, so a’shopping they will go. Judging by the things we saw in those shops, I can see why they didn’t come away with an armful of bags. They stop to ask an old man marriage advice. His advice: don’t try to win. Cultural divide. Americans like to win.
They sit at a little sidewalk table sipping weird foreign beer and sweating profusely. Gee, how romantic. Then a foot race down some random alley. Is this date for real? I miss the Bellagio fountains.
I suppose the atmosphere gets a little better when they have their comfy little futon thingy on the beach. She contemplates telling him how strongly she felt for Bentley. Don’t do it, you stupid woman. Who wants to hear that?? Instead they have a peculiar conversation about insecurities. And then an inappropriate conversation about relationship history. Really? On a first date? What’s with these people and their strange conversations. You’re hanging out sipping champaign on the beach by tiki torch light... make out or something! Jeez! But regardless, he gets the rose. And she gets a piggy back ride in the waves. A little hand holding but no kiss. Guess it was his sweaty forehead? Or is his skin THAT oily?
Her interviews...Bentley Bentley Bentley. ENOUGH!
Group date card - Ben F, JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C, Nick, Lucas, William, Ryan. The boys get to go volunteer at an orphanage affected by a tsunami. Painting, construction, manual labor. For the record, I’m ALL ABOUT philanthropic good deeds! I love charitable causes! But in this case, at first I was not sure this was the ideal group date. Seems like a task for a show like Extreme Makeover. But whatever. They all displayed a positive attitude about it. And check out Ben F and his mural painting. Not the most artistic dude int he world, but he pulled major heart strings for me!! Then the kids came out. They saw their bedroom makeovers, they played soccer with the guys and the new nets. All of a sudden, I was like - ok this was the perfect group date!
Afterward, they put away the paint cans, cleaned up, and headed for a poolside retreat. Sweet Ben F pulls her aside. Not digging his shorts, but otherwise I heart him more than ever! He keeps climbing up my heart-o-meter! Ashley, STOP telling these guys what a hard time you had last week. Nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody. Not even your beloved Bentley. Ben leans in for a kiss and for a minute, I felt like I was intruding. Something seemed so intimate about that kiss. Without knowing for sure, I have to assume Ben’s kiss surpassed JP’s famous Bentley-topping kiss. Ryan gets alone time next. He gets real and tells her how beautiful she is. Nice moment. We catch the tail end of what must have been alone time with what’s his name. It ended with a hug. Shock! Then we catch a clip of Lucas telling her she’s down to Earth. Yeah that’s the compliment we all want when being courted. JP takes her to the beach in the rain. Since I see this as a sexy setting, I’m liking this. BUT it takes too long for the fun to begin. Lose the umbrella, kid. Ok, well he did and the director yelled cut as her cover up was slipping off of her shoulder. But then she reaffirms that his kisses are the best. I do like JP, but I was sooo rooting for the Ben F kiss.
Ryan steals her away as she is about to hand out the rose. I’ve liked him from the beginning, but c’mon. Lucas said it best...goober. Why would Ryan do that? Makes him seem obsessive. But he’s still in my top 5, so I’m good with it.
The date rose. When she said Ben F, I literally threw my hands in the air! I really did. At this point, he has edged his way above William. So there ya go, my top 2 - Ben F then William.
Ken gets the one-on-one. Is she expecting to be picked up in a pink corvette? Too bad, it’s a yellow kayak. Haha, this pleases me for whatever reason. He shows up in his bright blue short sleeve aviator button up and white shorts, jogging up the pier barefoot. He says he’s spent time in Phuket (to clarify, it’s pronounced poo-kett) several times, but he was always alone. Climbed mountains and attended a culinary school on a whim. Is he having a hard time finding himself or is he overly metro? Either way, I have disliked him from the beginning for my own personal reasons. On TV, camera angles and lighting coupled with their reactions make it almost seem like a fantasy world. But somehow, kayaking through drippy Asian caves in dirty water doesn’t appeal to me. Caribbean or Fiji, please.
She gets to hear about his meeting a great girl while Al Bundy measured her foot. The relationship lasted a long time. Who cares? On to the most uncomfortable picnic ever. They sit on a tiny beach and eat some weird looking Asian fruit...or something of the sort. By the way, why did ABC not supply him with some floss so that we wouldn’t have to watch him dig out his entire mouth with his tongue? And did he really ask her what type of “intangible quality” she looks for in someone? Oh gosh, Ken. We are all aware you have some mad intelligence, but really? Intangible quality? I think her response should’ve been, “Well Ames, I’m looking for a real dude and not some hoity-toity pretentious douche bag who can’t get through a conversation without pontificating!” Then again, it would probably turn him on. He wants the rose. He says he has white boards all over his apartment with math written all over them. Even though he said it in jest, I can totally sense some truth in that.
They sit down to what should be a romantic dinner, but again we get to watch him pick his veneers with his tongue. Again he’s wearing another aviator shirt...this time navy blue with long sleeves... and white pants. He’s a walking, talking ad for Banana Republic. And his ginormous forehead starts sweating, drawing attention to the fact that he MUST Botox. Come to think of it, his eyebrows barely move and even when they do, his forehead always stays flat. Light bulb. He gets a rose, but no kiss. Red flag!
The cocktail party was set on a really cool patio. She shows up in a stunning sparkly mini and the same earrings she wore on the first episode.
She takes West away to quiz him about his situation. Is he ready to move on? Isn’t he? He assures her he is. I adore him. It feels like she’s grilling him. She’s just insecure and it sortof seems like she’s competing with the memory of his deceased wife. Despicable!
Lucas (and his thin faux hawk) sits and talks with her, hand laying on his crossed legs, looking more feminine than Ashley. Again she wants to talk about ex-wives. OMG Ashley, why? That’s a conversation that normally occurs way into a loving relationship. Not in week 4 of a reality TV show.
Here we go...every season the group (whether girls or guys) picks out one from the bunch to direct their frustration toward. Ok Ryan might be a tad overbearing at times, and I’m sure things happen off camera that we don’t see, but never have I ever gotten the vibe that Ryan is anything but a good guy. However, what’s his face feels it necessary to pull him aside and try to make him feel bad because he’s a happy guy. Blow it off Ryan. You’re here for the girl! But it’s kindof difficult I assume when the producers make Ashley grill him about the same dang thing. So he’s happy. Kudos to him! Leave him alone.
Ting ting ting ting...time for roses, boys and Ash. Harrison takes her for a chat. She brags on Constantine and Ken. She also bragged on the group date. Then Harrison rehashes the whole Bentley drama. Ugggghhhh. Get off of this tired subject already! dot dot dot he’s gone!
Rose recipients:
For the first time, I’m ranking in order of my most favorite to least favorite
Ben F (date rose) - I totally heart you, Mr. winemaker!
William - I still love him!
Ben C - He’s just cool.
Ryan - Nice guy!
JP - It’s the buzzcut she likes...and the earth shaking kisses
Constantine - She likes him, so whatever. I’m indifferent.
Mickey - Still a creeper
Lucas - Yuck
Nick - Oh dear, I give up
Ken/Ames (date rose)
Blake - I still don’t know you
And the ONLY guy not to get a rose:
West - Devastation. WHY? I loathe your decision, Ashley Hebert! I’m glad Bentley jerked you around! You don’t deserve a guy like West!
Next week, it appears both Bens get dates. Someone with pink shorts and socks gets in an ambulance. She ends a date early. William rides and elephant and also drops a bomb. Constantine screws up. She’s STILL hanging on to Bentley. Who does she go see in a hotel room? Bentley? West? Or maybeeeee Brad? After all, I’m convinced Em is finished with him and Chantal has moved on. One more week in Thigh-land!
The closing reel is always funny. This week, I give honorable mention to one of my least favorite dudes. We’ve seen many a shirtless man, not coming close to the glory that was Brad Womack, but wow. For the first time this season, I find a countdown-worthy torso. If you watched the reel playing while credits rolled, you already know. It’s Nick, my friends! If we see it again next week, he might just move up my list. Until next week, friends.

The Big Reveal & The Dump, Episode 3

FINALLY. The mask comes off!
3 dates this week...a group and 2 one-on-ones. The first one goes to Ben C. Yayy. Ashley shows up in a super cute off the shoulder top. Straight to the dance studio for a little choreography. Then a picnic in the park with tons of onlookers “ruining” what Ben thinks is a romantic moment. She wants to do the routine in front of everyone. He pees his pants a little, but agrees. He awkwardly begins dancing, totally unsuspecting of what is coming. All of a sudden....YEAH! Like a G6, yo!! Here comes the flash mob and Ben pees his pants again with excitement and displays his mediocre lip syncing skillz. Seriously though, how cool was the flash mob. Just when you think it couldn’t get any cooler, there they are - Far East Movement. Are you kidding me, right now?! Let’s fly, all you rocketeers!! Shake it Benny. The crowd chants KISS KISS KISS KISS.... Ben obliges without hesitation. Sweet. I must say though that I’m a little disappointed FEM didn’t pull any Girls on the Dance Floor out of their back pockets. Sad face.
On to the little romantic poolside tablescape. Ben gives her a little heavy conversation about relationship expectations that almost seem unattainable. But there’s nothing more attractive than a hopeless romantic. Awwwwww Ben C, I heart you. Ash kinda does too, hence the rose. Followed by a giddy grin and a sweet smooch from our resident Cajun.
Meanwhile we have seen Bentley STILL expressing his desire to just get out of the house....... all the while letting it be known that he’s not necessarily wanting to win over Ashley. He just wants to get out of the house and beat out the other guys. So charming.
An unsuspecting Ashley is unexpectedly cornered by Zorro. He leads her outside, building the suspense. She’s thinking ‘do i really want him to take it off? do i or don’t i? i’m nervous. i’m scared.’ But she acts excited in front of him. Here it comes - the big moment - the mask is coming off - dun-dun-dun.......IT’S OFF! Annnnnd...”Hi, I’m Jeff.” What was the buildup for? Blake (you know, what’s his face) hit the nail on the head. It’s  like a present that has been opened and it turns out to be an empty box. Ok, now that that’s over with. On with our lives.
Group date time. I’m more excited than the guys are for sure. Bentley is stuck in the back with the maskless creeper while everyone else sips mimosas. Now I am a fan of Jeff Ross, but when he shows up as part of a group date you know it can’t be good. Roast Ashley time. The common theme is peeing of pants this week, and this date is no different. You can see it on the guys’ faces. They sit. They sweat. They write jokes which I can only anticipate will be flops. They all had the right idea...roast each other. Well all except William. He decides he’ll display brass. I have a bad feeling about this, Will. Ames aka Ken tells us beforehand that he is the farthest thing from a comedian we’ve ever seen. Noooooo...ya don’t say.  Ashley hits the stage to sit in the roasting chair. I think she lost her bottom button but oh well, there’s nothing to the boys would point out. “Zorro’s unemployed brother” takes the stage. Thanks for that, Jeff. Although he hasn’t had a date or much alone time with her, he is the first to point out her lack of a rack. Bold dude. And by bold I mean moronic! The snowball begins. Oh the boob jokes. In walks Will. We all see something coming, but just don’t quite know what that something is going to be. Oh boy. He busts out with the whole Emily/Chantal thing. Fail. Even Bentley knows that was stupid...although he lets us know he agrees. Big surprise! Ok I totally get how that would cut to the bone. However, it’s a roast, Ashley. Did you REALLY not expect someone to go there? Suck it up, sister.
Who else but Bentley finds her crying in the dark somewhere? Good ole Bentley. He consoles her with tired lines, insincere compliments, a quick jab about her small boobs, and a couple of awkward giggles. But in his mind he’s picturing our sweet little Em. His sympathy is laughable. Literally, I laughed. Out loud.
The guys wait outside for the crybaby to dry it up. She actually takes the time to have a “talk” with the guys. She fights the tears and lets them know that her biggest insecurity was touched on by William’s comments. She was ok with the small boob thing, though. That makes a lot of sense. We aren’t allowed to have feelings for Emily, but we can rag on her tiny rack all day long. Ok. Well since she not-so-nonchalantly called out William, he pulls her aside to apologize. I believe him. He was just trying to be funny. Who knew she couldn’t take a flippin’ joke?! Ugh. I still love you, Will.
Zorro: I adopted a 3 legged dog that was abused.
Ash: Who cares weirdo? William just hurt my feelings. Who cares about your dumb dog?
Zorro: But Ashley...
Ash: Seriously Jeff, I don’t care right now!
Zorro: Do you have no heart? I’m trying to tell you about my dog. And for goodness sakes, I took my mask off for you.
Ash: Yeah that was a mistake. Big mistake. You’re ugly, man. And old.
Zorro: Ouch. Can I borrow a Kleenex? We can cry together.
Ash: That’s more like it. I need a partner who is irrational like me. Thanks so much Zorro.
Ryan P saves the day. He tells her SHE is who he wanted there. With that big cheesy grin you gotta believe him. He’s such a charmer. KISS KISS KISS KISS.
Back at the house, the date card arrives. As a makeup date I assume, it’s JP. No coin tossing involved!
Bentley gets more alone time. Ashley lets him know about the information she got before she came. She lets us know her informant was the one and only Michelle! Yes, THE Michelle! So not only did this info come from an ex-wife, but it was the loon who delivered the information. He guessed it though. Michelle’s the culprit. Ashley chooses not to believe anything. In all fairness, those are not the most reliable sources! At all! I can see how it’d be hard to believe. However, did that not plant the seed of doubt? I like Ashley less with every conversation she has with Bentley. She’s so gullible. I gotta favorite part of that scene... “are your eyes closed? are you sure?”...followed by the funny little smurk to the camera. I laughed loudly AND rewound to watch again. Seriously such a tool but WHY am I so cracked up by him? How did I go from totally loathing this guy to being so darn entertained by him? She’s not his type. He’s not feelin’ it. He wants to hop the first plane back. Bentley no! Really? Can’t you stick around and make us laugh a little more? Sidenote: It appalls me that he uses his baby Cozy as his excuse. He could’ve at least told the guys the truth and told her he had to get back to his job. Anyhoo, that’s Bentley. Then in his interview he calls all of the guys tools and idiots. Ohhhh-weeeee I’m already ready for the Men Tell All episode. This is getting good! 
Ok now comes the “hard part” of the show. Hard for Ashley, easy for Bentley, entertaining for me!
BEST.LINE.EVER - “I’m gonna make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks ok.”
2nd best line ever - “I’m not sure how exactly this is gonna go, but there’s no turning back. That’s a trip’s freakin’ in my head...I need to go poop it out.”
That happened!
On with the departure. Calling Ashley an ugly duckling was a little harsh. So why did I laugh? He enters the house and gives her a bear hug. The performance begins. Unrehearsed, but well delivered. Again, I don’t like that he’s using Cozy as his excuse. However, I’m momentarily overlooking it so I can continue to be amused. His fake tearing up thing...funny. She cries and cries some more. He thinks about his next line and leans in for a hug. He’d try to cop a feel know. She told him she pictured him in the end. He says he’s thought about the end a lot too and wishes the end was tomorrow. Good one, playa! Play on. He doesn’t like to hold a girl who’s crying...and crying...and crying. Man he’s good. He’s trying to “turn her on a little bit” and wants to “start something up” when she jumps up and straddles him. His words, not mine. HI-LAR-I-OUS! He wants to keep the dot dot dot there. Very clever, my man. Dot dot dot. Better than a period, indeed, sir. He tells her she is gorgeous and the tears make her eyes sparkle. Hook. Line. Sinker.
And ohhhhh myyyyyy gosssshhhh she’s knows this guy for what, a week or 2, and it’s off to hide under the covers and sob. Again, suck it up sister!!!!
Poor JP. She mourns the departure of Bentley, and JP gets the shaft! He’s looking forward to a fun date at her house and instead has to console her because another guy left. Leftovers from a stirofoam tray, a wrinkled button up with blue jeans, and a haphazard pony with puffy boohoo eyes. Then “to slip on something more comfortable” - LITERALLY - she changes into sweat pants, a hoodie jacket, house shoes and glasses. THAT’S the Ash JP got. Not fair. I’m mad at her. Grow up, gal! Take those ugly sunflower pj pants and that zip up hoodie off, throw some makeup on, and give him the date he deserves! Oh well, at least he got a rose. But honestly, I’m not sure I’d have accepted it. What a disgusting date. Except for the part where she says JP kisses better than Bentley. Please Bentley, please respond to that publicly!
Harrison sits her down to hear her whine about her terrible week and the dot dot dot. He clinches his hands together, grits his teeth, and throws up in his mouth a little. He hides his disdain perfectly though. Smooth. After only a couple of minutes all I’m hearing is blah blah blah. Quit the sniveling and let’s give some roses out.
No cocktail party. Score! This buzz kill of a night needs to end. Quickly. Harrison eases the minds of Ben C, JP, and Ryan. They have roses, so they may chill. Everyone else, buckle up...especially you, Will.
Constantine - What does she see in this stoner?
West - :)
Mickey - Not again
Ben F - Muah!...but lose the bowtie, cutie!
Blake - Nothing...still nothing. WHO is this dude?!
Nick - Oh gosh. Enough is enough. Someone give him back his surfboard.
Ken - Oh, I mean Ames. Boooo
Lucas - Really?
Gentlemen, the final rose. Thanks again, Harrison. How could we do it without you?
Much to our amazement - WILLIAM! Redeem yourself, baby, redeem yourself! Heart

Chris - Not a fun guy anyway. And probably a Cubs fan, so adios.
Zorro - Shouldn’t have taken the mask off, old man. Better yet, shouldn’t have worn it in the first place. It made for awesome kindling.
Next week - Off to Thigh-land. If you haven’t seen Hangover II, disregard that misspelling. Until dot dot.