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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Episode 9, Crunchy Crickets and Beach Monkeys

This week we visit Thailand. The episode begins with Sean being driven around in a boat by who I can only assume to be Takaka Kaikek. If you watch Friends, you get it. If not, I'm sorry. For more than one reason. Sean dug deep in his closet and found an outfit eerily similar to one he wore with Ems. Those salmon shorts will not soon be forgotten.

At Anatara resort, Sean relaxes in a hammock, and beside a fountain, and on a beach...strangely, anywhere he can be alone. Alone to reminisce. He remembers the undeniable spark between he and Catherine. He loves her funny nature. He is attracted to her nerdy qualities and her weirdness. The romance is off the charts. Sean can be himself around her. He can picture himself cuddled up on the couch together after a long day of toss-the-fish. Lindsay, on the other hand, brings back memories of a crazy person in a wedding dress. A forced kiss on night one which which, incidentally, wasn't contagious. A beach volleyball beast unleashing her prowess as a Magic Mike super fan. A beauty evolving. A drill sergeant who enjoys playful sit-ups. And as always, a baby talking General's daughter. Sean's relationship with AshLee is perfect... on paper. She has a big heart. She has all of the qualities of a good wife. She's open and honest. She's giving and caring. Does she also have and receive? Let's ask Joey.

Oh yeah, and on top of giving and caring and blah blah blah... she loves to throw the word abandon around. Abandon. Abandoned. Abandonment. My challenge to anyone who has the time - count the instances of the word abandon, or any form of it, in this episode.

After indulging in times past, and a dip in the pool, he hits the ground running with Lindsay. She arrives in her best mint green shirt and impractical wedges. Takaka takes them for a ride on a moped with a sidecar, only to drop them off at the local food market. And I use the term food very lightly. Somebody PLEASE tell me they aren't harvesting the living Peeps for food. Please. My Easter is forever tarnished. I really can't even begin to comment on the local cuisine. For all I know jacked up corndogs, pig snout and fried bugs are delicacies. I would never want to offend anyone by bringing up Fear Factor, so I'll let you read between the lines here. I think Linds and I were playing a game of dueling gag reflexes, though. I could've sworn I heard her ask those ladies for the number for the closest pizza delivery. And judging by the weather they experienced on the beach, Mr. Domino's should probably throw in some anti-humidity hair spray along with the parmesan cheese. And speaking of throwing poop beaches, are you kidding me? They get to feed monkeys?! On a beach?! Kinda makes the geese at Craighead Forest Park pale in comparison. Someone went to a lot of trouble to set the stage for this overnighter. Judging by the body language during humidity-fest, they didn't need the pomp and circumstance. Just throw her a breadstick and a glass of wine to wash the bugs down and she's good to go. Talking about a move to Dallas is just the icing on the cake for the military brat who can't keep her baby paws off of Sean. Just as she's about to sputter those three little words, a barrage of Thai showgirls enter and ruin the moment. Ahhh but patience, my friends. Lindsay barely gets the card read before she enthusiastically accepts the invitation to get busy have time alone in the fantasy suite. But before Chris Young sees the white dress hit the floor, Lindsay does manage to tell her man she loves him in her best schoolgirl voice before the lights go down. Goodnight, Thailand.

AshLee runs into Sean's arms wearing a tacky midriff-baring netted shirt and white jorts which were most likely left behind by Tierra during her hasty exit... not to mention, yet more impractical wedges. I guess I've missed some sort of memo. Nonetheless, I'll keep my flip flops for galavanting around Thailand. At least Sean wore flops. Takaka drives them in his boat to a remote location off of the coast where Sean will steer them through a dark cave to their own private beach. So glad AshLee remembered to wear her snakeskin bikini. I needed a gentle reminder of what NOT to buy. The scary trek through the cave reveals the light at the end of the tunnel where their private beach awaits. Predictably they engage in a couples swim involving lots of making out. During dinner, Sean tries his hardest to subliminally coax her into opening up about why she is still single. No such luck, though. Just a nonchalantly delivered comment about not settling. Ash read Chris's card, and before she could deliver her "I don't normally do this type of thing" speech, Sean reassures her that all he wants to do is talk. I believe she saw that as a challenge. Therefore, she gladly accepts the key. She has something to prove, people. She gives him a detailed description of the ring she wants, he laughs awkwardly, she bites his lower lip, and then the petting began. But that's all that happened. Just petting. Remember? She wouldn't want anyone to think she was the girl who crosses moral lines. So just light petting. That's it.

Catherine runs along the beach to meet Sean. I'd like to extend my appreciation to her for wearing flats on the beach. Nice call, Cat. I don't know about everyone else, but I saw sparks between them. Sparks I'd never noticed before. If she knew that she was pulling a Rose and Jack on the heels of capital L doing the same thing, she might just cry weird tears. Filipino women are so beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that I almost forgive her for the nose ring. Almost. She was rockin' that bikini, though. Jewel tone blue bottoms with the oh-so-cute white top. Stunning. You go girl. I sure wish she'd have used that style to dress herself for dinner, though. Yikes. She gives that same old speech about being a lady. You know. The stuff they say for the camera to try and convince the world that nothing happens in the boom boom room. Yeah. We believe you, sweetie. That's why you wasted no time in accepting the offer. I gotta say... I'm a little bothered by the story about people telling her she's chubby and such. Ok, who are these people? Anorexic, crack w****s who hate on beautiful people? Whew. Off of my soapbox. We get a peek at another really great bikini before the cameramen go home.

Sean expresses his dread to Chris. This week brings back memories for Sean. This is the week Ems broke his heart. In my opinion, he still pines for her a little bit. As Sean tells Harrison that he is about to dump someone who is super sweet, my suspicions are all but confirmed. I become confident that he is finally giving capital L the boot. That is always where you get a glimpse of someone's true character.

As Sean watches the videos, I get further confirmation for what is to come. His eyes light up for the first two videos. On the third one, his eyes go dark. So do mine. It is that moment that I become so overly exhausted with her forced emotions and fake tears that I want to ralph a little. That stuff she said in her video...was that from her 9th grade poetry class? And did anyone ever see an actual tear emerge from her crazy eyes? I did not. She spent the whole time wiping the illusion of tears. At this point, I'm literally saying [out loud], "Send her home, Sean. Send capital L home!"

After singing the praises of all three girls, he works up the nerve to hand out some roses. Lindsay gets the first one. AshLee cringes. I cheer. After a longggggg pause, my wish comes true. Catherine, will you accept this rose? And just like that, crazy eyes. AshLee strongly disagrees with his decision to dump her. The woman who can't get through dinner without crying suddenly has no tears. No words. No anything. About the time she realizes she needs to put on a show, she turns the other cheek, wipes phantom tears from her crazy eyes and begins the long process of organizing her thoughts. See what I did there?

Next week promises to be the best TWTA episode ever. And I've sat through Kalon, Courtlip and Michelle Money. I still think this one will trump all. Stay tuned, friends!

And again, beware of the crazy eyes. Until next week!

These, my friends, are the eyes I am afraid of...

The Crazy Eye Has Spoken

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't watched, you might not want to read this mini-blog.

Well, my lovelies, did I call it or did I call it? I knew that girl had something hiding beneath her capital L, that organization, all of those tears and that bedroom voice. Girlfriend wasn't havin' it. She went from crying a river (which wasn't forced or intentional AT ALL) in her video, to issuing a death glare at being denied a rose. No words. Just eye darts. If she could've given him a swift kick in the berries, she would've. But then she might tarnish that "Scarlett O'Hara" image she tries so hard to convey. That girl is probably crazier than Tierrible. She just does a better job at hiding it.

Catherine. What the heck happened. Last week, I'd have put a twenty dollar bill on her to go home. This week, I could tell from the moment they met eyes that he was smitten with her. Out came a connection I had failed to notice before. Shame on me. Girl got taste in swimsuits, though. Best bikini award goes to our Filipino beauty.

Lindsay. Oh how I do love her. The baby talk and lip puckers... that, I could do without. However, Sean had no problem with it as he quickly escorted the General's daughter to the fantasy suite to "talk" all night, uninterrupted. Wonder what they talked about. World peace? Politics? Cupcakes?

For the record, I miss Des.

Enjoy your day, Bachelor fans. And beware of the crazy eye. Be on the lookout for the full recap later this evening.

The crazy eye has spoken!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Blue Statements

Blue Statements

I am drawn to gray with a pop of color. I also find myself drawn to interchangeable pieces, whether it be clothing, shoes or accessories. I enjoy dressing up and putting on heels. I equally enjoy dressing down and still adding style. This ensemble is as dressed up as it is dressed down. It is stylish with interchangeable items. My closet would be happy if I supplied it with these very pieces.

Episode 8, Funky Smells and an Ex-Con

Hometowns. No prelude. No bicep curls. No nothing. Barely a bite into my shrimp étouffée, we jump right in. Come on, ABC. Before the stuff goes down, I need time to digest a bite or two...maybe even as Sean climbs a rocky cliff, or jogs on the beach, or engages in some military presses.

AshLee opens the show with a long walk and a picnic with her puppy. Sitting in wait for Sean, pooch in tow, she reflects upon the things that have made her fall so deeply IN-TO love with the fair-haired Texan. Sean arrives to join her amongst the weeds, and they compare stories of their religious backgrounds. They exchange other pleasantries. Our old pal Casey adjusts the teleprompter so that someone, anyone, will promise to guard and protect a heart.

They make it to the house, where her parents are waiting. Yo, Pastor Dad...Sonny Bono called. He wants his 'stash back. For goodness sakes, it doesn't even match the hair plugs. Conversation began weird, then got weirder. Only capital L would pull out the tears reliving a Polar Bear Plunge. Omgosh, please don't cry at every single turn in this journey! You jumped into a freezing lake...same as everyone else. Well, everyone except no-kisser. Mom feverishly scratches her brillo-top in frustration as capital L shares the story of her and Sean's romp on the beach. Sonny Bono cringes as he pictures his little girl running her hands through Sean's eyebrows hair.

Mom: What are your intentions? Are you going to break her heart?
Dad: Do you love her?
Sean: Did you get the memo that I'm dating three other women?
Dad: It sure is a good thing you live in Dallas, 'cuz you ain't gonna wanna run into my preachin' arse if you break my baby's heart.

Words of the day: Protect and abandon. Use them in a sentence.

The date finally comes to a close, and my sister and I agreed that we weren't feeling the connection between them. I just feel a dramatic tone that creeps me out. Everything has a touch of theatrical cheese to go along with her pixie dust. Gross.

Time to explore Seattle with Catherine. After she mounts a wild hog (whaaa?), they make their way to a fish market. Mmmmm, smells great I'm sure. As I ask myself how the heck she knows these random fish people, everyone engages in an enthralling game of catch the slimy stinking seafood. Yessss! That's my favorite party game. The scales. The slime. The stinch. This whole thing opens the door to so many extremely inappropriate jokes which my amused husband would love to see me include. No such luck, handsome.

We go from fish toss to a-b-c gum wall. This date gets more delightful every second. And by delightful, I mean disgusting. What's next, a farting contest?

Catherine warns him about her family who may or may no be accepting. Graham cracker is going to extend her hand to Sean. Don't kiss it Sean. Don't dunk it in milk or melt chocolate and marshmallows on it. Place it on your forehead. That's what real men do.

Sean tells her what a cute house she has. That's code for, where is my eyebrow grooming kit going to fit? Grammy cracker might have a wee bit of a crush on Catherine's man. Sean digs for his long lost rape whistle as Grammy cracker cops herself a feel. Meanwhile, the sisters grill Cat about her new relationship. They then enlighten Sean about her extreme mood swings. Red flag much? Where is her Dad again? See what I did there?

Overall, this day pretty much bombed. 

On to General Daddy. They take a walk around Fort Leonardwood before visiting Sugar On Top cupcakery. Ahhh, a woman after my own heart. Although, I bet it doesn't compare to Cupcakes on Kavanaugh. Either way, Sean needs a cupcake shoved in his face before he changes into his get-army-ready clothes. Pushups, sit ups, slaps on the butt, all to prepare him to meet General Daddy. Although I'm not sure the General requires a kiss with every sit up from his troops.

Dad may spend his time containing his wife's energy. Mom may have sipped on some sauce before they arrived. Although, I'd really like her to finish her running-man impression.

Sean sings Lindsey's praises to the two-star General. He indirectly offers Sean his approval and blessing. Sean survives the most intimidating Dad in hometown history, then finally unclenches so the proverbial toothpick will fall out. But give him props, he only peed his pants a little. Sean walks her out, looks over his shoulder for the General, hides behind the dark SUV and delivers the only semi-romantic kiss of the night.

Next, Des takes him for a hike in the hills of Los Angeles, and she receives the only tonsil hockey session on hometown week. She takes him back to her quaint townhouse in a remote part of LA...annndddd let the drama begin. What an interesting start to the night. A knock on the door. Family's here. Oh, but wait. It's not family at all. It's someone who claims to still love her and wants Sean out of the picture. Who is the mystery guy? Does he want Des for himself? Is he going to punch Sean? Is this the great hoax I foretold of last week? Why, yes. Yes it is. Gotcha, Sean. Payback for the art exhibit prank.

Then the family arrives for real. Bless their hearts. I'm pretty sure her parents are genuinely sweet people. We already know they've led an unfortunate life. Seems they've come out on  the other side with a pleasant disposition. The brother, on the other hand. An entirely different story. Would jerkwad do him justice? Probably not but I'm trying to be a lady here, sooo...

Casual conversation seems to go well. Des talks about her adventures in goat milking and nose spurting. Des' Mom is excited to see her baby with a sweet, good-looking guy who makes her baby happy. Des get the third degree from her brother. At first, as he is telling her not to fall for anyone in the "stupid" process who is clearly NOT her best friend, he smiles and I get skeptical all over that maybe this is leading up to the mother of all pranks. And, in all fairness, he has a fairly valid point that this isn't going to work out. If history repeats itself, then NO, it will not work out. That said, be nice, dude. Just be nice.
Just as the Filets and ice water were served, Nate decides to give Sean the ol' "mind if I holla at'chu real fast?" request. Our unsuspecting bachelor obliges as he calls him buddy and asks him to take it easy on him. Ahhh the irony.

Nate: So far, all I see is that she's into you, but you don't reciprocate.
Sean: I'm sorry I gave you that impression, but...
Nate: I don't believe there's any reciprocation.
Sean: Ummm, well I disagree.
Nate: No man, the reciprocation isn't there. Are you really that into her?
Sean: Yeah. I am. I care about your sister.
Nate: So you really believe that reciprocation is there? Because I don't see the reciprocation.
Sean: Dude. I'm crazy about your sister.
Nate: You're crazy about a lot of girls aren't you?
Sean: And you're crazy about the word reciprocation.
Nate: Yeah, well, I have it tattooed on my lower back.
Sean: What's happening here?
Nate: I don't know, playa, you tell me. Who you gonna choose?
Sean: At this point, I don't know. (Code for: The show won't let me reveal it, but you're killing your sister's chances of reciprocation)
Nate: I think you jus a playboy. You jus havin fun.
Sean: [clinches fist] Nah, that's not me, man. I'm not that way.... but I don't think you're buying it.
Nate: Hair no. Not at all. But it is what it is. Says so on my neck.
Sean: I think we should go back inside.
Nate: Aight, playa. Play on.

They come back in to their cold steaks, water with now melted ice, and a very pensive Des. Everyone knows things went awry outside just now. But what's a family to do besides talk about the distinct four seasons. Nate, most likely fresh out of prison and rehab (which would explain the water), continues his aggressive behavior at the dinner table. Maybe his opinion of this process isn't so far removed from the opinions of millions of other people. However, - and that's a BIG however - he is the rudest, most thuggish, most irritatingly smug piece of white trash that has ever been on this show. 

That couldn't have ended soon enough. Like a gift from the Bachelor gods, one hour and 36 minutes in, we are granted a reprieve from the drama. Thank you, ABC.

Chris grills Sean about his feelings. Chris is honest about his feelings of ambiguity and his lack of clarity on the upcoming distribution of the coveted roses. But he chooses to follow his heart, despite Des' last minute attempt to erase his memory of the evil brother.

Roses go to:

AshLee. He enjoyed her capital L even in Houston.

Lindsay. He's not afraid of a two-star General and a flirtatious Mom. Our girl in the wedding dress moves on. Who knew!

Catherine. Poor girl. She gets a rose because her family is the lesser of two evils. The recipient by default. Next to go home.

And just like that, Katie Holmes is out the door. My pick all along ended up with the worst hometown in Bachelor history. Too much baggage, Des. It's been fun. For the record, he can say what he wants in front of the cameras to preserve the integrity of the relationship he has with whoever he chose. BUT, I'll always be confident that she would've won if not for that jacked up hometown.

From here, they move on to spend their final days in Thailand. Wouldn't be my pick of romantic destinations. But once again, the producers didn't ask for my opinion. What can I say? They're missing out. But props to them for the monkey on the beach. Nice.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

O Brother, Where Art Thou?


Hi, my name is Des and I am currently looking for a new brother. I need someone who:

  • Doesn't wear a smirk 24/7
  • Knows another big word besides reciprocation
  • Knows how to act like a normal human being instead of a tool
  • Has decent taste in tattoos
  • Won't run off my boyfriends
  • Thinks about someone other than himself
  • Doesn't look and act like a Grand Wizard
  • Has a dentist
  • Doesn't think the word playboy is something people still say. It's 2013!
  • Won't call my choices stupid
  • Won't tell my boyfriends he wants to "holla at'chu"
  • Isn't a complete D-bag
  • And most importantly, doesn't act like this:

Sincerely, Des

WORST.HOMETOWN.EVER. Full recap up tonight!

Until then, let's think of how many different G-rated(ish) names we can think of for this guy. Throw your ideas in the Comments section below.

Until tonight, Bachelor fans!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Episode 7, Sparkle Thieves and Uncontrollable Eyebrows

Once again, ABC has deprived of us the B-roll footage we have come to know and expect. However, this week we travel to Fantasy Island. Beaches, lots and lots of beaches. Let's hope for the best.

We trade in ab crunches and calf raises for a seaplane and an homage to our beloved Tattoo and Mr. Roarke. Eh boss, de plane, de plane. My dear ladies, I am Sean Lowe, your host slash Bachelor... welcome to Fantasy Island. Hope you brought your skimpiest string bikinis. We have something very special in store for you.

First let me say, I have a new destination on my bucket list.

Since Tierrible isn't friends with girls who like her husband, she would much prefer the comfort of a roll out cot. The up side: she will become accustomed to the sleeping arrangements of the padded cell she is destined to someday occupy. Winning.

Des is more than happy to inform the group that AshLee gets to get 'carried away' with Sean. Tierrible is concerned that there is a cougar on the prowl. AshLee's all of 32 years old. Therefore, she should've already gotten her arthritic self down the aisle and had 6 kids and a minivan by now. Right? I mean, isn't 32 the ripe old age where dust starts to settle in places dust shouldn't go? Ok. Good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, Tierra. At 41, I suppose it's time for me to start choosing a nursing home. I'll get on top of that one tomorrow. And for the record, Sean is pushing 30 so he might want to consider scheduling a prostate exam and a blue pill consultation.

Sean shows Granny the catamaran that is about to take them to paradise. Ash strips down to her Kenneth Cole bikini, which - I gotta say - made me chew on my finger nails a little bit. It also made Sean lose his focus as capital L fills him in on Tierrible's antics around the girls.

The second date card arrives. Catherine delivers the news NOBODY wants to hear. Tierra, Let's explore our love on the streets of St. Croix. Not cool Sean. Now she has to sweat. And fight bugs. And not get to run around in a bikini. And. And. And. Ugh, not do anything fun.

Lesley's take on it was my favorite. Google it.

Capital L is escorted ocean-side for a dinner that makes me quite envious. Conversation begins regarding opening up about anything he might need to know before hometowns.

Sean: So tell me, AshLee, is there anything I should know about you?
AshLee: Actually, yeah, there is this one thing.
Sean: Take your time.
AshLee: Umm well, I do think you need to know this one thing about me. It is something that might be a deal breaker. I don't know how to say this. I'm nervous.
Sean: Ok so when I said take your time, I was only kidding.
AshLee: Ok ok ok. When I was 15, I met this guy and I fell in love. I was having problems with my parents, and. Oh my gosh. This is so hard.
Michelle: You know what's hard? Listening to you beat around the bush! Tell us, already! I mean, tell him already.
AshLee: This guy and I. Well. We got married.
Sean: Is that all?
AshLee: Yeah, that's the big secret. Are you over me now?
Sean: Hair no! I thought you were about to spring a teenager on me! I was like omagosh, is the Biebs about to jump out the bushes and call me Daddy?

And just like that, the seriousness is over and Rose stands up in her chair, extends her arms and professes her love. She'll never let go, Jack. She'll never let go.

Tierra finally gets the date she's been waiting for. Almost, anyway. Sean waits for his wife on a pier, decked out in his Chuck Taylor low tops, Dockers navy shorts, and sky blue button up. There she comes. Mrs. Tierrible. In her Apple Bottom jorts, green patterned top she snagged from a clearance rack at the local Costco and non-matching wedges which she is clearly uncomfortable in. She claimed shopping "wit" Sean was "amazing incredible." After all, he did get her an eternity bracelet AND they got matching necklaces. Take that, girls! Hope you're enjoying your time back at the resort while the Mr. and Mrs. are buying trinkets of infinite love. So when the parade starts up the street and she starts busting a move, who else hoped she'd fall down and twist an ankle. Oh, c'mon. Admit it. Sitting on the steps wit their snow cones, Sean questions her about what's going on in the house. She says how the girls don't include her in anything because they can't accept her because they are STILL jealous of the rose she got on night one. That's her delusion story and she's sticking to it. Those other girls better beware about throwing her under the bus. The wrath is upon us, people. Fear the wrath.

It's a little awkward watching the two of them talk seriously over dinner at the Sugar Mill. She's complaining about there being a little "distant" with him, he's listening - or at least pretending to - and I'm not sure he even caught it when she called this process a game. Calling Sean. Are you there, Sean? Anyone. Anyone. She's "behind in the game." Didn't you hear that.

Back on the pier, we are granted a close up of the sand caked beneath Tierra's tierrible toenails. I'm no body language expert, but when someone has to profess their "love" for another person in that person's ear and not out might not be genuine. Just sayin'. Sean tried putting her to the Courtney test.

Sean: Hey. Uhhh. Would you like to go swimming, and maybe, uhhhh, make like Courtney-style and....uhhh....
Tierra: NO. I will not be compared to any other woman. I'm just here to win a game. Did you hear that? WIN. Not winNING.

Group date: Catherine, Des, Lindsay, Love is on the horizon.

Rise and shine, ladies! Let's get those teeth brushed, throw on some clothes, shave our pits, let Catherine pee and hit the bricks. The sun rises over their Mimosas before they take off to explore the island and watch the sun set on the opposite side.

10:34 a.m. - A quick stop at the Sugar Mill. Wait. The same one from Tierra's dinner? Original, Sean. Real original.

12:16 p.m. - They get hometown advice from an ass. No I'm not talking about Tierra...I'm referring to Pippin the donkey. Get your minds out of the gutter.

2:14 p.m. - After stopping off for some fruity island libations, the end up at a tree house. They climb. They swing. They tie their hands together. Sean wonders what type of insight 50 shades gave the girls before her untimely departure.

3:47 p.m. - They end up on the beach. The rose looms in their makeshift cabana. 

Lindsay gets him alone in the surf. She didn't expect to come this far, she didn't expect to have a monstrous chin zit on beach day. She didn't expect to have sand caked in her nether regions. But alas, and this may come as a surprise, she kissed him. Shocking, I know. It's not like these two to engage in a game of tonsil hockey. But believe it.

Catherine finds a conch shell from Nano's Souvenir Shop conveniently nestled in the surf. She also has some more personal stuff to share. Her Dad won't be at hometowns because he is in China dealing with his emotional issues. Will all of this "stuff" make our Bachelor run the other way? We shall see.

And then there's Des. She loves him. I think he will love her. But for now, our gal in the wedding dress gets the hometown rose. You're right, Linds...based on night one, nobody saw that one coming. I honestly don't think the other two need worry, though. Seems to me these three are his front runners...even if they didn't get to watch the sun set through the clouds.

Final date card: Lesley, I hope our love stands the test of time.

Our fellow Arkansan gets a date on a plantation. Might I point out, dear readers, that I own the exact shoes Lesley is wearing. Yes. Yes, I do. I'm mighty proud to see "my" shoes on National TV. The box didn't say anything about them being avacado picking shoes, though. Carlos Santana fail. It was a perfectly pleasant day. They picked fruit, Lesley wore just the right amount of makeup for a Lady Gaga concert, they picked more fruit as a black cat looked on, Sean pinned her up against a fence I like to think was made of Sentinel posts, then they finally kissed the most unpassionate kiss I've seen since the Guinness stage. Maybe it's creative editing, maybe it's persuasive editing, but I didn't feel the passion at any point on their jaunt through the plantation. No heat. No world record careening toward its demise. I see no rose in her future.

Sean again waits on a pier, again in his Dockers shorts when a strange woman comes running into his arms. Who else was like - what the?!?! But alas, it's only Shay, his sister. She rolls up in her brightly colored tank and shorty shorts to lend sisterly advice to our strapping bachelor.

While the siblings exchange pleasantries, a storm is 'a-brewin' back at the room. AshLee and Tierra are chatting it up. I bite my fingernails again as I wish I had popcorn (extra butter) to shovel in my mouth. Tierra begins by being a little passive aggressive. But AshLee strikes a nerve and Tierra drops the passive part and whips out the claws, exclaiming that men love her. For what? A breakfast date? It just gets worse from there. And just like that, with a 'zip it' gesture, she hops up, whips her hair back and forth and goes into hiding. She comes back out, engages all three girls in the drama and then gets defensive about her eyebrow and her sparkle. Get real, people. That's her face! She CAN'T control her eyebrow. Quit accusing her of such. She has had no Botox. Her eyebrow is what it is. Eyebrows can't be controlled. Eyebrows have minds of their own. And they sparkle. Nobody will take her sparkle away! Men love her. She can't control what's on her face 24/7. If she could walk around with a smile on 24/7, she would. But her face would get freakin' tired. She's not perfect. Get over it.

Annnnddddd cue tears...or at least the illusion of tears. Sean walks in. 

Tierrible: They're out to get me, Sean. It's just  so hard. I have a big heart. I sparkle. And I can't control my eyebrow, but they think I can. I'm scared. And did I tell you I have a big heart? I'm emotional because I care. Nobody else sees that. And I haven't even had Botox.
Sean: Botox? What?
Tierrible: I have a big heart. I care. And I sparkle.
Sean: Yeah yeah, I heard you the first time. I think I better send you home now.
Tierrible: What?? You don't love me? But ALL men love me.
Sean: Not this man.
Tierrible: This is all their fault! I can't believe they did this to me! I hope the girls got what they wanted!
Michelle: Oh honey, they did. And so did I. And so did everyone coast to coast watching at home who were yelling expletives at you.

There was a collective sigh of relief, a lot of laughter and a fist pump in my living room. Look out Bachelor Pad, Tierrible is gonna OWN you!

Time to hand out the three roses.


Our Arkansas girl is sent packing. It's just like a Longhorn to hate on a Razorback! Catherine's reaction is a bit perplexing and bizarre. What is this? She's probably next to go.

Next week, it's time to meet the parents. Catherine's sisters give him the what-for. General Lindsay's Dad may or may not offer his blessing. But more importantly, the drama we saw in previews finally plays out on screen. All this time, I thought Des had a boyfriend. But it's a brother. Is he a crazy jerkhole on a rampage? Or is this the ultimate prank occurring before our very eyes? Des is a jokester. We know he tricked Emily when he took her home. It is karma? Is this some sort of elaborate hoax? I think yes. To steal a phrase from a friend, "Ohmyholycow!" I can't wait to see it all go down.

Until hometowns, my lovelies! I leave you with the most "flattering" photos I could find that showcase the sparkle that is... WAS... Tierrible. PS - What ever happened to the "these cookies taste like ****" scene that previewed on night one? Did I miss it?

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Duck & Run!

Good morning, readers. So here's the skinny...

I have some crazy head cold stuff working overtime on me, so to combat that, I took a TheraFlu cold formula last night. Before I knew it, I was out...45 minutes into The Bachelor. PANIC! The episode I've been waiting for since we first saw previews of a certain Tierrible fit. And I FELL ASLEEP. Gahhhhh!

Today, I must play a game of duck and run. I shall avoid Facebook, Twitter, text messages or calls from Bachelor watchers and any other contact with the outside world that might serve as a spoiler. After work, I come out from hiding, I go home, I finish watching, then I blog.

Forgive me if I inadvertently (or purposely) avoid you today. It will be quite the challenge not hearing any spoilers from last night's episode, but I can do this. I know I can.

Until tonight!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Episode 6, Hypothermia and a Lazarus Moment

This is two weeks in a row we have started an episode without seeing Sean’s manliness in the gym, or on a jog, or cliff top, get the point. I’m emailing the producers about this.

Harrison introduces the ladies to Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. He explains the dates. Two one-on-ones and a group date. What? No two-on-one? What ever brought about this unexpected change of pace?

First date. Catherine, Let’s find our fairy tale ending. Romantic enough, right? Sounds that way, anyway.

As Catherine stands in wait for her man to pick her up, I peruse the background landscape for a plane and some rugby players. Her chariot arrives in the form of a snow bus. I don’t know about you, but I’m already feeling nervous for her. The first adventure...sledding in subzero temps. All I can say is... poor Sean. The arctic air is not kind to him. The good news, his eyebrows are no longer flesh-colored. They have more of a glacier tint. Like I said, these freezing temps do not bode well for our fair haired Bachelor.

They proceed to make snow angels, play in the snow and drink hot chocolate. All of this with bone-chilling wind whipping around them. An outdoor date in blizzard conditions. There best be a hot tub waiting on them somewhere. Or at least a hair dryer to thaw Sean’s brows and warm his chapped face. As we say in the South, bless his heart.

So it’s time for the evening portion of the date. A carriage ride to an ice castle. What is wrong with this picture? Impressive setup, I’ll give him that. But more outdoor activities? Makes me want to light a match.

The girls await to hear their fate as the group date card arrives. Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, Daniella...Let’s bare our souls. Poor Dani...she doesn’t get the final one-on-one. C’mon Sean. She brushed her hair and everything.

The rest of “Date Night: Hypothermia” plays out and I wonder what sort of torturous freezing surprise he has in store to wind down the evening? Hanging meat? Ice fishing? A ride on a Zamboni? At least she got the frozen rose. And through the snotty noses, she thanks him amply in French as we watch him, once again, refrain from tilting his head or making it even remotely enjoyable to watch in any way. Arie, where are you when we need you, buddy!

The group date begins with a canoe excursion across the lake in matching snow boots. Sarah Sarah Sarah. Her situation has officially crossed the line from inspiring story to pity party. Do we really have to hear her state the obvious every time there is anything that involves a physical activity. Enough already. There’s something called perseverance.

The journey across the gorgeous and unbelievably frigid waters ends at a chilly bank with curious tents. Methinks this will not end well. Sean announces to the ladies that they will take the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge. Tierra cringes, Selma doth protest, AshLee fears the worst, the others gladly slip into their bikinis.

Selma breaks the news to Sean that her tiny little Baghdad-grown body just simply cannot handle the nippy plunge. A couple of weeks ago, a similar argument was used to insult the choice of a date in the desert. So what we can gather from this is that tiny little, one hundred ten pound Selma wasn’t designed for anything other than a comfortable 72 degree date that doesn’t involve lips. Not too much to ask.

Tierra is already setting the stage. She is worried about how she will react afterward. Did you hear that, Sean? Get ready for it to all go down. Afterward. Wait for ittttt.

If you close your eyes and listen, you might be convinced you are overhearing the happenings among a group of 6th grade girls at a sleepover. That’s not hard to listen to coming from a bunch of grown women. Not hard at all. They are troupers, though. They aren’t afraid of developing a raging case of the high beams. So they jump in, they hop out and thennnnn. Wait for itttttt. Yep. As expected, Houston we have a problem.

The other girls are in their robes and heat blankets. Tierra. Well. What words am I going to approach this with in a delicate manner. Tierra will have us believe she is in hypothermic shock, unable to breath, incapacitated and nearing death. Makes me miss the good old days when she was just “falling” up stairs. It would be very rude of me to accuse her of faking such a “serious” ailment just to gain Sean’s attention. And it would be uncalled for if I called her a pathetic bag of horse... manure. Therefore, I won’t say those things about her. I will, instead, wish her well during her time of “need.” I will also draw your attention to the normal girls back at the plunge site, who are giggling and warming up with Sean in the meantime. Poor Tierrible. She’s “critical” and headed to a medic. Bless her heart.

Medic: Do you know what day it is?
Tierra: That depends. Is the camera in here? Yes? Ok, then no, I have no clue what day it is.
Medic: She is doing better now. She is much warmer now since we got her the Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte she asked for.
Tierra: Yeah, but you got me Tall and I ordered Grande! Wait. The camera didn’t catch that did it? Help me. I’m delirious. I can’t breathe. Where’s Sean.
Medic: Do you need me to put your socks on for you while you eat your sandwich?
Tierra: Yes, and can you also leave that oxygen cord thingy wit me so I can show Sean just how desperate I am my situation is?

And the Oscar goes to...Alice Cooper.

Thankfully, the “patient” won’t be joining the others for dinner. The downside? Nobody to make fun of.

The final date card. Desiree, Don’t be fall in love.

And just when we thought it was safe to go back in the water, a miracle. Our death bed hypothermia victim with frost bitten toes throws on boots and makeup and heads to the party. Wow. Stellar recovery time, girlfriend. Miracles do happen.

THANK GOODNESS - did you hear me, THANK GOODNESS - someone else got the rose.

Sean makes an early decision to send Sarah home. I can’t say that I’m surprised because I haven’t felt the chemistry lately. That said, I don't agree with his logic. I get that he doesn’t feel like she’s “the one” but how does he know that someone else wasn’t going to slip below her before the rose ceremony. Crazy stuff happens on this show.

Des is whisked away to a mountain top. Sean informs her that they will be rapelling down a the steep mountain side. As they head down, Des develops a 98.6 degree leak that ends in her boot. At the bottom - ahhh flat land - a picnic awaits. Then they make like monkeys and climb a tree. If I haven’t said it lately, I love Des.

After their daytime excursion, Sean dons himself in a Cosby-esque sweater to snuggle in a tepee. Des shares her story of a childhood with certain challenges. Of course she gets the rose. I do believe she has figured out a way to combat Sean’s bad kissing. I feel confident no other woman can make a kiss with Sean look decent. I can only imagine the sparks that would fly between her and Arie.

Selma gets the first alone time of the cocktail party. She decided that since she didn’t take the plunge for him, she is going to give him a kiss. And by kiss, I mean long awkward pause that just happened to involve half of her lips pressing against half of his lips, motionless. She then apologizes to her Mom for shaming the family with that “kiss.” So let me get this straight. It’s shameful to give someone a peck on the mouth (sortof), but it’s ok to wear a plastered on dress that allows the ladies to come out and play. Makes sense.

Then it’s Lindsay’s turn. Let’s play a little game of hide the tongue. Baby talker says she will not be kissing him. Pretty sure that’s code for I found a new place to hide the tongue.

Ash and her capital L become more boring with each episode. Another thing that changes with each episode...her eyes. Have they always been crossed?

Ash: You once told me I can’t relinquish control.
Sean: Oh did I? My bad.
Ash: I have something for you, Sean. It’s a scarf for you to use to blindfold me.
Sean: Oh snap.
Ash: It represents me giving you the control in this relationship.
Sean: Wait. You’re talking about relationship stuff? I thought... never mind.
Michelle: Buddy, you blew that when you sent 50 shades home.
Ash: Here. Blindfold me now.
Sean: Yeah girl.

Then there was a moment that didn’t entirely make sense to me. I just don’t love her. Sue me.

As the snow falls profusely outside in all it’s gorgeous splendor, Sean hands out 3 more roses.


Selma and Daniella leave us. I can’t say that I’m surprised, or disappointed. Tierrible the Tierrorist gets the spend another week campaigning for Bachelor Pad.

Next week, St. Croix. Crazy gets crazier. There aren’t even any more words for her. Nutso. There’s a word.

Looking forward to the next one, my lovelies!

Episode 5, You Want Me to Milk a What?

Chris begins the episode with his usual rundown. Ladies. Good morning. Looking nice and hungover today, all 11 of you. Congrats on making it this far. This week things are gonna get hairy. 3 dates...a group date, a one-on-one and a two-on-one. It’s time to hit the road, Bachelor style. Pack your stuff, gals. We’re off to Whitefish, Montana.

The ladies arrive at the lodge in an old school glass top bus with a broken window. What does the broken window have to do with anything? Nothing, really. Anyhoo. After jumping on the beds, the girls gather to hear the reading of the date card.

Lindsay, Let love soar! Does this mean the wedding dress makes a reappearance?

No dress, but a ride in Bruce Wayne’s chopper. A ride to the top of a mountain. Not the most original of locations for the show but it beats a KOA Campground, I suppose. Afterward, red wine in front of the fireplace. Small talk about life ensues. It appears everything is going smoothly with no awkwardness. And just like that. Kissing to fill the dead air begins.

Group date card. Capital L is happy to read the card aloud. You make my heart race...Selma, AshLee, Des, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, Daniella. Oh my oh my. Our resident crazy sure is happy about the two-on-one. Right? Don’t we believe her? She’s like. So excited. Like really excited.

Lindsay gets the rose. She is getting really good at that baby voice she practices in front of the mirror. We get a healthy dose of the voice as Sean tells her there is another surprise, which ends up being a personal concert compliments of newcomer Sarah Darling. PS, Bachelor viewers - Her new album just dropped on iTunes. Well played, Ms. Darling. She sings, Sean and Lindsay slow dance on a pedestal center stage, Lesley feels a tug in the pit of her stomach as her world record begins slipping away.

The group date girls round the turn on an obscure Montana backroad. Betwixt the fluffy vests, thick scarves and added wardrobe layers, I’m pretty sure our ladies could have smuggled in a Yeti unnoticed. Non-kissing Selma (all 110 pounds of her) immediately mounts Prince Charming, while maneuvering in such a way that they “accidentally” bump uglies. But hey. At least they didn’t bump lips, because THAT would be unacceptable. The girls kiss the romance goodbye as Harrison explains the obstacle course involving saws, hay bails and goats. Red Ellie Mays vs. blue Ellie we go. Winners get goat milk, losers are escorted out to hit the hay. Pardon the pun. But look out blue team, the red team is maaaad. They’re all reallll mad. The wilderness X-games come to a close with the red team on top, despite their escapades with the goat’s uncooperative nipples and through-the-nose milk squirting.

Ahhh but have no fear blue team. Listen to Harrison’s impromptu date card. AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine... Sending you home didn’t feel good. Please join me at the party tonight. I can’t wait to see you. They shed their blue Ellie May Clampett shirts for more appropriate date attire. Meanwhile Sean is met with disapproval from the reds when he breaks the news that the blues are coming back. Awk-warrrrddddd. On that note, he steals Sarah away to hear about...well, I'm not sure.

As the blue team gets ready, we see that Daniella does indeed brush her hair. I’d heard rumors, but was a little skittish about believing them until now. The mystery is solved. She does own a hair brush. And yes, she does use it. You go girl.

Tierra sulks on the front porch as she logs claims in the workers comp section of her journal, occasionally breaking briefly to ponder new ideas on how to “injure” herself at the most convenient times. Once the coast is clear, she turns the pages to the kleptomania section for a way to snag a blue Ellie May shirt without being busted. She uses this info to get herself ready to once again barge in somewhere she doesn’t belong. She straps on her boots, raids the closets of the blue team and stands stoic in front of a mirror using some sort of self-inflicted force to exxagerate the “scar” on her forehead. Remember this, anyone?

It is quite the cesspool of wrath as red awaits the return of blue. Look out people. When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry. Speaking in third person helps get Selma’s mind off of Selma’s vow not to kiss Selma’s man.

Tierra the Tierrible brought her game face to the party...or rather, her peek-a-boo face.

Tierrible: Guess who.
Sean: Ummm, I don’t know. Sally Field?
Tierrible: No you silly, Sybil had 13 personalities, I only have 2. Shrew and...wait, that’s it. Just shrew. See. I’m not crazy. I only have one personality.
Sean: Good to know. Write that in your journal after you return that stolen shirt.
Tierrible: Oh Sean. You’re so funny. I came here because I didn’t know where your heart was at, but now I know. You love me. I know you do. Am I getting the rose? Should I cry?
Sean: Well I think I better hold off on giving you a rose.
Tierrible: But Seanny Sean, when I walk away I’m gonna trip over a camera cord and..... [clears throat] no no no, I didn’t mean that. I meant I MIGHT trip and fall. What just happened.
Sean: I think you implied you were going to purposely trip and fall in order to hijack my sympathy.
Tierrible: NO you idiot. I did NOT say that. Life is short. You never know when an accident is going to happen. I would never injure myself accidentally on purpose! I hate your eyebrows.
Michelle: I KNEW I wasn’t the only one!

Des gets a chance to express her irritation at the fact that the losing team got to go on the date too, despite the fact that she worked her derrière off for that milk mustache. Capital L steals Sean’s attention for a while so she can compare the journey to a fairy tale. You know the one. Cinde-freakin-rella.

Date card. Tierra and Jackie...Love is a wild ride. Chris says two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. Tierra gets ready for HER two-on-one date.

The remainder of the group date was kindof the Daniella show...well, except for Catherine’s tonsil hockey session in Sean’s ever-so-inviting lap. Daniella witnesses this and crumbles at the hands of Jose Cuervo. He’s not a friend of hers. Sean sniffs out the despair and pulls her away to see if she kisses better than she fixes her long blonde locks. The rose goes to our tequila shooter, against Robyn’s better judgment. I mean. It’s just not fair that someone from the blue team got the rose. She can’t even do a backflip.

It’s finally time for Tierrible’s date. You see, it can’t possibly be a two-on-one date because little does Jackie know, Sean is already taken. Jackie has no idea. He is Mr. Tierrible and it’s time Jackie finds this out.

Jackie uses her alone time with Sean to shoot herself in the foot with Tierra talk. I’ll never understand why these girls can’t figure out that it’s never a good idea to spend alone time talking about another girl...or in this case, Sean’s wife.

Mr. and Mrs. Tierrible, oh and third-wheel-Jackie, sit for dinner in front of the same fireplace where Lindsay baby talked her way into getting a rose. It didn’t go exactly as Jackie had hoped. Sean knocks back a glass of Merlot as he cuts his eyes toward Jackie, squirming in his funeral slacks, thinking of ways to send Jackie packing on a slow horse back to Florida.

He takes Tierrible outside to discuss her forehead crack...and I mean that in the nicest possible way. And he didn’t actually want to discuss that but it’s the elephant in the room so it’s my duty to bring it up. I have an obligation to my readers to put a “friendly” spin on the forehead crack. Stay tuned.

Tierrible plays out this long tierrible story about a drug addict ex who she was with while he was in and out of rehab. But she stayed with him because she’s a wonderful person. Her best friend of 13 years, she stuck by his side no matter what. He passed away, and she lost her BFF. This is why she is the way she is. She is scared because she gets so attached to people she cares about. She is scared of losing people. She does not want to scare him off. She just wants a new BFF.

Version 2: Once upon a time she met this supplier who was at her beck and call. For five years they worked out a 'payment plan' that suited them both. This guy would only visit on the occasion he wasn’t at home with his wife (or rehab as she liked to call it). When the stalking began, he put a restraining order on her, and she completely wigged out. In order to avoid her wrath, he had to move away never to be seen again. Now Tierrible is so scared that she won’t be able to find another victim who will fall prey to her psychosis for more than five years.

But I’m sure her version of the story gets her closer to the rose. She left out the part where she “fell” and hit her head, though. Sherlock Holmes, if you’re out there, please check her facts. Please.

The cocktail party should prove to be interesting. It appears that Daniella’s rose came with a complimentary curling iron. Tierra caresses her rose as she cuts her evil eyes around at the ladies who mistakenly think they have a shot with her husband. It sure is a good thing she’s an upstanding citizen instead of a fighter. Otherwise, she’d beat the bleep out of those bleeps.

Robyn channels her inner brass. Lesley follows suit and they confront Tierra as the grizzly bear on the wall cheers them on. It didn’t go as planned, though. Tierra exclaims she will not be “threhhhh-ened” because she can go get engaged to any of the endless supply of bleeping dudes out there in the world willing to get “wit” her. Are you wit me, yo? This Scorpio WILL bite, beeyaa!

You gotta admit, it’s pretty priceless that Sean walks through the room as Tierrible was laying into anyone who will listen to her. Sean gets her outside and we see that she does indeed have more than one personality. In an instant, she went from threhhhh-ening gangsta to poor victim.

Bugsy: Tehehe, Seanny Sean. Poo bear. Isn’t it funny how I was fuming when you walked by?
Sean: What’s up with that?
Bugsy: Well, you see boo, I have done nothing wrong. I never do. Girls are just jealous of me. Story of my life, yo.
Sean: Did you just end your sentence with the word yo?
Bugsy: Wait. What? For a second there, I forgot which personality I’m in. They’re picking on me, Sean.
Sean: Who?
Bugsy: Just all of them. Everyone.
Sean: Everyone?
Bugsy: Yes. They’re attacking me. I’m like what the heck. I’m not a drama person. They’re attacking me for everything. I don’t deserve this. I can’t handle it. It’s a good thing I’m not a fighter because I’d, I’d, I’d...umm, never mind. I’m a nice girl and nobody gives me credit.

Sean tries to get the scoop out of Lesley. She is very diplomatic about it, and doesn’t quite throw Tierrible under the bus. But she also didn’t sing her praises.

After philosophizing with Harrison, Sean hands out roses to all but one:


Robyn backflips her way back to the great state of Texas.

Next time, Cold air, igloos, and more “injuries” plague Tierra.

Until then, Bachelor fans!