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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

And Then There Were Four

I did it again. I dropped the ball. My lovely readers, I do apologize for not posting before now. Here's the skinny... our HD network channels were inexplicably out yesterday. Not only could we not watch our local channels, we couldn't watch anything we'd recorded on them either. Fiddlesticks. No Bachelorette! As the afternoon progressed, and none of my troubleshooting tricks had paid off, I decided it was not an option to be without good TV. As bad as I LOATHE calling DirecTV, there was no choice. After an unfruitful 15 minute phone call to them where none of their suggestions were helpful, they scheduled a service call for later. Needless to say, that was unacceptable. After the phone call, I ranted for a bit before I thought HEY, why don't I just unplug the receivers for a few minutes and see what happens. Magic. Five minutes of being completely unplugged from the wall did the trick. Should I have tried this before I spent the afternoon livid, and before I finally called? Probably. However, I'm wondering why that little trick isn't in "Customer Service's" arsenal. Go to this menu, go to that menu, push this button, push that button, read me the message you get when you do this, try going to this channel, that channel......Grrrr you get the point. I have a better idea - UNPLUG THE FLIPPIN' RECEIVER. Anyhoo, nobody cares about my TV troubles. I suppose I'm sharing as more of a vent than an explanation of my lack of posting yesterday. So thanks for listening. By the time that problem was resolved, I'd already sat down on the back deck with my iPad and a stemmed glass and started reading my very first iBook. I couldn't put it down, so Ems and her men fell to the back burner. I'm not even really a reader, so it was mind-boggling that I read something that would trump my whole reason for getting out of bed on Mondays. What book, you say?? Well, I don't know if it's appropriate to disclose that piece of information...but let's just say that my putting off blogging until the morning was about 50 shades of procrastination.

This week the gang heads to Prague. I can certainly appreciate the magnificent cities that have been featured on the last few seasons, and Prague is no different. I am not oblivious to its charm, and I can certainly appreciate its history. However, I'm kindof over these types of places. I'd like to travel the world, or at least much of it, but 80% of my journey would be places like Fiji, the South of France, Bermuda, Greece and Brazil. But oh well. I'm sure this is a travel & tourism marketing ploy. And I'm sure it has worked on many viewers. Not this viewer. Give me the islands of the South Pacific, man! It's at the top of my bucket list, incidentally. So if any of you win the lottery and decide to buy me a trip...Fiji, baby! It has been my dream destination of choice as long as I can remember. But I'd also take Tahiti, Bora Bora, Tonga, Samoa, whatever. I'm not picky. I'll take any island in the South Pacific.

Moving on before I get lost in 50 shades of fantasy vacation.

The gang gathers with Harrison. It's hoodie day on the streets of Prague. At least Chris threw some color in the mix. This week...4 dates. Three one-on-ones, no rose. One group date, one rose that comes with a hometown guarantee. Gentlemen, enjoy Prague. And while you're at it, dig through your closets for some non-hoodie attire.

Sean reads the first date card. Arie, let's Czech out Prague together. She comes to pick him up and every dude there gives her an awkward hug AND sneaks a peek at her cleavage. Or maybe it was at those riding boots that do NOT go with that outfit. Or her coat belt hanging past her knees. Nope, I'm sure it was the cleavage.

The happy couple takes off to sightsee. They need a bite to eat, so they stop at a local food stand for...well I'm not sure. English? English? English anyone? One would think Arie and Ems would've brushed up on the local language, but in all fairness they'd have to be multi-lingual to cover it all in that part of Europe. Czech, German, Russian, a hodgepodge of culture fills Prague.

But all of that food vendor stuff is overshadowed by the elephant in the room. The big secret that some jealous, bitter, fame-hungry producer feels necessary to tell Ems.

Harrison gives us the run-down. Some chick named Cassie Lambert. She apparently thought it necessary to bring to light that she had a brief relationship with Arie ten years ago. TEN YEARS. Oh good grief. This is already stupid. I secretly, or not so secretly, hope that Cassie has been reprimanded -- or at least demoted -- since then. Ugh. Who does this stuff. So not only does this girl get Emily all wound up, she then tries to defend Arie. Whaaaa?? If it was no big deal, why bring it up. This is her 15 minutes of fame. REEEdiculous! This girl knows Ems enough to know that she is a no-nonsense kind of girl, so our good friend Cassie -- and by good friend, I mean resident trouble-maker -- strategically places doubt in Emily's mind concerning Arie. I'm going to move on before I break out some unsavory language about this "producer."

Here she is...

In case you can't tell, she's seductively feeding boring Benny-boo some grapes. A picture is worth a thousand words, my friends.

That whole uncomfortable conversation really did a number on Emily's jerky eye thing, though. You know what I'm talking about. That twitch I've mentioned before. It's the number one indicator that something is on her mind. Thanks, Cassie. Thank you very much.

After this takes place, Emily sends a barrage of loaded questions and statements containing a hidden agenda. I felt this very inappropriate and unfair to Arie. Even as it was happening, I was becoming very irritated with Emily for falling into Cassie's trap. Cassie got what she wanted...Ems is mad at Arie, which will give her a better chance of acquiring time with Arie after Ems gives him the boot. Luckily, after Emily plays her little wicked game (like my Chris Isaak reference?) an off-camera conversation takes place between the two of them and the trouble-maker. TEN.YEARS.AGO. Ten! Thank goodness the air was cleared and we can happily move into the evening portion of the date.

It is apparent that this hasn't affected her libido. Arie is explaining it to her at dinner and she just sits there doe-eyed not paying a bit of attention to the words coming out of his beautiful mouth. She gives him a come hither wink and leans in for the kiss. I did not look away. I just can't. Their chemistry is 50 shades of undeniable.

The guys sit and speculate about what might be going on. Chris is so completely distressed. He wants a date so badly. He hasn't had a one-on-one since Charlotte. The knock on the door. The date card. The tension mounts. Drum roll, please. Annnnnnnnddddd the date goes to..... Jon, in Prague, all you need is love. Wollllffffff. Howwwwllllll.

Ems is all but promising Arie a hometown on the spot. She's already giddy at the thought of it.

What should I wear.
How much cleavage should I show.
Will your parents care if I throw you down on their dining room table.
Is your Mom a fan of E.L. James.

She's ready. Let's do this.

Arie busted out with those three little words normally reserved for the overnights. He wastes no time, though, in telling her he loves her. They kiss, and suddenly fireworks go off. Fitting, don't you think. They kiss again. Fifty shades of romance.

Time for Jon's date. Better step it up, Wolf. After all, you're playing for second, man. They begin their date with a scenic tour, from a boat. Hey honneeeyyyyy, how ya doin'. Would you like to go for a little boat ride, with a macho man. 

Jon: The architecture here is insane. This stuff is old. I'd love to go in that building.
Ems: Yeah, its really pretty. I went there with Arie yesterday. We rubbed a brass statue.
Jon: Will you rub my brass statue? Wait. Never mind. Ryan told me to say that. I didn't mean it.
Ems: Well I was gonna say that you have your guard up, but I'm not so sure.
Jon: Yeah, I have a very hard - STOP IT RYAN - shell. I was gonna say shell!
Ems: Yeah I bet you were. Arie has a hard shell, too.
Jon: Let's Czech out the John Lennon wall.
Ems: Ok, let me give you a history lesson. You look like you need something to bore you.
Jon: Yeah. Let's paint a bigggg...
Ems: There's a reason I sent Ryan home last week, ya know.
Jon: Yeah yeah yeah, I was gonna say boat. I really was. A big boat.
Ems: Let's go try to find a romantic connection with my next history lesson. Eternal love.
Jon: You're getting pretty deep today.
Ems: Deep?
Jon: You know what I mean!
Ems: Let's hang this lock of eternal love on these rails.
Jon: Ok. Ready? Let's push it in together. Push - it- in.
Michelle: Ohhh Wolfff, have you been reading the same book I am reading?
Ems: Uh-oh. It won't go in. This isn't a good sign.
Jon: YA THINK?!?!

The guys sit and ponder things. Chris is still brimming with dissension over the fact that she hasn't given him a one-on-one since Charlotte. It is driving him crazy. He is tired of hearing about connections the other guys have with Ems.

Night falls and Jon is still talking about the architecture. She isn't fervent about this because she's explored these things already with Arie. She takes him to a dungeon. Ok ok, I'll let that one go. He tells her today was awesome. Her response? "You think so?" Whoa. Not very promising. I hate to break it to ya, Wolf, but she's put off my your massive forehead and your perfect skin tone. I mean c'mon. She didn't even fix her hair. She pulled it back in a tiny clip the way we do when we need our hair out of our face to brush our teeth or to take off makeup. Another bad sign. Plus she's dressed in all black. I don't feel optimistic.

Group date card arrives. Sean, Doug, Chris. Let's find our happily ever after. Needless to say, Chris isn't thrilled. Jon's date is over. He heads back to the suite to fill in the guys on everything, which is basically nothing. They are less than receptive, but Cassie forces them to spill. That way, maybe Arie will get jealous and give her the time of day. Right? Jon's recount of the date adds insult to Chris' injury. In a disturbing twist, Sean takes to the streets of Prague shouting Emily's name. What's happening? I'm confused. But he does track her down. Obviously, she just left Wolf. She's still in the same dull duds with the same face-washing hairdo. She's happy to see him. They end up in a make-out session paling in comparison to Arie's sexy kisses. But a make-out session nonetheless...on the streets. Who else found it creepy that he didn't turn his face to make their mouths fit together. Weirdest kiss ever. It seems at this moment he is the front runner...... for second place, that is. Poor Sean has no clue he has no chance of edging out her amazing race car driver. She's not into creepy flesh-colored eyebrows, but then again, who is.

Date time. Chris is being negative nelly. That will probably bite him in the rear. I pause for wardrobe assessment. That coat. That awesome hot pink pea coat. Here's to you, Ems. Your fashion sense is back. Doug takes her away to visit a remote cubbyhole in the castle. He wants her to come to his hometown to meet Austin and meet his BFF. His legs touch hers and he becomes flustered. Is he turned off physically. Is he celibate. Is he in the closet. Is he scared of ... well, it all. What the heck. Why won't he drop the extreme chivalry and push her up against the wall...and kiss her...goodnight. Yes, that song is still in my head. Thank you Gloriana for one of my favorite iTunes downloads ever. Anyway, Doug doesn't realize that real women want to be treated like a lady, but not at the expense of a physical relationship. Doug's van ride. Ohhh the van ride. I don't make it a habit of laughing at the expense of someone in pain. But there was just something comical about his sobbing. I do not know why, though. I apologize.

The other two gather for a nice evening and, in the words of Sean, a weird dynamic. I pause again for wardrobe assessment. Does she have a piece of tulle draped over her shoulder. Bizarre. There are two random keys on the table. One of them opens the spot for the first one on one chat. Are we to think it is a mystery? Even though the keys are totally different sizes. That's so Ems can give the big key to whoever she's in the mood to kiss first. Shockingly [to nobody] Chris and his big key get first dibs on the dungeon couch. What's with the dungeons this season anyway?

Jef's date card arrives. This is your chance to pull at my heartstrings. Jef's stoked. These guys think if Chris gets the rose, he'll either come home a sad sap or a braggart. Either way, they think they'll want to pull their hair out.

Chris gets his alone time at last. He's ready to express his distaste for the fact that he didn't get an alone date.

Loads gun.

He tells her he doesn't like seeing other guys come home from dates. It makes him mad.

Pulls back hammer.

This two-on-one sucks. It's really weird.

Aims gun at foot.

But wait. He leans in for a kiss. Gerard shows Ems the physical attraction Doug so blatantly neglected. What does this mean? But it wasn't enough. Sean gets the rose.


Time for Jef's date. Emily looks pretty good until you get down to those crazy tasseled booties. Wardrobe fail. They make their way to a puppet shop, and later use their new wooden friends to perform a show in a really grandeur library. At first, as they relived history through the dolls, it was humorous and sweet. Then flash forward to weirdness. Ok guys, put up the puppets.

The date turned to serious conversation. He wants her to meet his family. His parents have an obligation in South Carolina so she won't meet them. What obligation? He didn't disclose it. Red flag? However she'll get to meet the siblings. I think it'll be nice. He seems so grounded and real. I'm thinking that is a reflection of the people he grew up around. He's so sweet and perfect. That darn Jef! I didn't wanna be crazy about anyone except Arie, but I like this guy so much. But have no fear, I feel he's playing for second, too. Team Arie!

At this point it's down to Chris or Jon. Cubs vs. Cardinals. Although I'm a bigger fan of Chris, I'm kinda rooting for Wolf to get it simply because I love his hometown. St. Louis is near and dear to my heart, so I'd love to see Ems there frolicking under the Arch. Or down on Laclede's. Or out at Grant's Farm. Or catching a Cards game. Or touring Anheuser Busch. Or....well you get the picture. I also want to see him at the office. Finally put the mystery to rest. What the heck is a data deconstruction specialist.

I am so back and forth with our girl's wardrobe lately. I used to love everything she wore. But now. I don't know, something has changed. This dress. Reminiscent of a blue shimmery negligee. It's killing me.

No cocktail party. She has her mind made up. Chris breaks down. I didn't like how he acted, but darn if I don't feel sorry for him. 

Hometown rose time. Sean is already in like Flynn.

Numero Uno goes to Jef. I'm ready for this!

Next is Arie. Duh!

Last. Chicago and St. Louis. Here we go.

Chris asks her if they can go talk. It was a nice talk. He gets the rose. Was it because of the talk? Was she already going to pick him? We may never know. Either way, she's going to Chi-town instead of St. Louayyyy. I'm ok with that. I like Chris.

That room where she took Wolf to talk. Wow. Weird wallpaper. Lots of antlers on the wall. Medieval weaponry. I'm ready for next week. No more castles. No more dungeons.

But first I want to make a change in my predictions. I got the top 4 correct, but I now see Sean in the top 3...actually I think he will be top 2. Who goes home next? I have no clue. Depends on who lives in crazytown and who has a cool family. We shall soon find out.

Next week...well, who knows?!?! We get no previews of families. We get no previews of dates. We get nothing. Except Ems in a beautiful blue dress with a rhinestone waist. She's crying and upset about sending someone home. Could it be that she keeps all four guys for overnights? Could it be? Huh? Could it? That would be a history-maker I could live with! Fifty shades of mystery.

Until next week, lovelies. I will soon be blogging about my read. Be ready.

Since we will not get to visit the Gateway to the West next week, I leave you with this.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Adios, DB Number Two

Sadly, I missed out on watching last night's episode live. My plan was to watch the first hour of this be-all end-all glorious spot of tele - oh wait, we aren't in London anymore - TV... then it would be time to flip over to watch the OmaHogs! Oh but I can't proceed without quoting our good friend Courtlip... the Hogs... winning! WPS, people!

Anyhoo, so that was the plan. Anyone who has ever done even the smallest of home improvements knows that you don't schedule it around other things... you schedule other things AROUND IT. Needless to say, I watched not a second of Bachelorette last night, but by golly my walls are painted and my bedroom is closer to the intended end result. Success.

As I sit here, weary and exhausted from a very long Monday and a late Monday night, I can't help but notice that our first visions of Croatia include a couple of smelly little chicken house cats. Not exactly the most exotic of attractions. Why THAT is what I noticed, I guess I'll never know. Nonetheless, they could've found something more interesting to film.

Little Ricki has gone back to Charlotte while Ems finishes her journey with the guys. Could this have something to do with the whole baggage drama? Does she just not want her baby girl traveling anymore? Is it time to get back in the classroom? I'm a little stumped.

On to our Croatian stop on this interesting globe-trotting voyage. The boys seem mighty impressed with their mod suite du jour. I am too. Ems shows up to talk about the dates and to leave the first date card. Where the heck is Harrison? Did he stay behind to personally escort the luxury brand consultant back to Texas where everything is bigger, including Kalon's ego. Did he come down with a heinous case of the trots after eating a bad English muffin. Did he dump Ems to stay in London and follow Pippa around asking her how she feels about everything.

Travis gets the date card. Let's look for love beyond the walls. He goes to change clothes and we see what's been hiding underneath his button ups. Not bad, Trav. How would Shelly feel about this, may she rest in peace. I find it interesting that when Trav meets up with Ems he tells her how pretty she looks. But wait. Didn't he JUST see her 10 minutes prior to that? Literally. She's wearing the same thing she was when she handed him that date card. Oh goodness, the paint fumes have made me cranky. Carry on.

Ems is taking Trav to Old City Dubrovnik. Travis is perfect for this date because it's not West Virginia and it ain't Mississippi y'all. What? No Shakespeare like they do it back home in the magnolia state? As they peruse the city, souvenirs in hand - well, until the souvenirs mysteriously disappear post-gelato - Ems gives a history lesson and is highly disappointed that he didn't take his shirt off. Wendy, is that you disguised as Emily? She drops one little F-bomb and suddenly she sho'nuff proudly displays her hood rat for the world to see. Go girl.

Back at the guys' swanky pad, they discuss Travis. One question, though. Ryan. What the heck was he wearing. He clearly raided his 10 year old niece's closet before he came. Cute shirt, man. Plus his poof is extra-teased today. Disturbing.

"Dontcha like my baby tee, guys. I rock it, dontcha think? I don't think ole Trav is coming home. Emily wants a bad boy. Yeah girl. You know I got that bad boy thing going on. Where was I? Oh yeah. I have an edge like a razor. I used to be a mean man football player, you know, back when I was a younger version of the douche bag I am today. Man have I come a long way. I love me. So much. Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah. I miss the old me. The old me that made women love me. I mean really. Every single girl in my middle school loved me, dawg. I was DA MAN. What changed. Ems won't fall for anything I say. And my hair won't lay down. What's happening? My insecurity is showing. Is Dr. Jamie still on the show? I need to talk."

Rejoining Trav's long-awaited date. He hasn't seen this much action since Shelly. He's so nervous that it has caused him to go all serious on us. He  declares his love for the fun day they have had...and he did it without humor. Fail. Bring back funny Trav. He also says he hasn't done anything like this since he was engaged. Screeeeech. Back the ostrich truck up. Engaged? How did this slide beneath my radar? Ems questions him a little about it. He claims he has had zero action since that engagement went bust...two years ago. TWO YEARS! I call bull****. A man cannot go two years without, ummm, dates. He's either a big fat liar, or he's scratching the inside of a closet door. I've got my eye on you, Trav. For now, tell us a joke. I miss your humor.

Knock knock. Who's there? Date card. Date card who? That's all I have. Sorry. Trav is the funny one, here. Don't judge. The card reads: Lasting love requires bravery. Wolf, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie. That leaves Ryan for the final one-on-one.

"My heart is beating out of my chest. I can manipulate any dating situation I want to. Dude, I know how to get the girl. I may sound arrogant, but....well let's be honest. I AM arrogant. And it works for me. Because I'm trouble, people. Women love trouble. I wasn't exaggerating before. Every single middle school girl! Every last one of them, yo. Plus I have big feet. Unfortunately, that's it. Big feet. Really small hands, really small brain, really small...... wait, where's Dr. Jamie again!"

Back at Dubrovnik, poor Trav does not get the rose. I think he was a little crushed. I must say, I'm surprised. He tosses aside his umbrella, sobs over the rejection and shows us a softer side of himself. Poor Trav. Maybe he can go back home and find himself. Best of luck, buddy. Maybe Shelly has a sister...or a brother. Still not certain which he prefers. Makes no diff to me, though. He's a cool guy!

Ems sure stacked this group date full of hunkalicious lip-smacking eye candy. And what does she do with them? She takes them to Statler and Waldorf's balcony to watch a Disney movie. Twenty bucks says they were all creating double entendres out of every line of the movie just to entertain themselves. Then.... Just as I was thinking Emily Maynard how could make these guys get dressed up in costume, they began undressing. Emily Maynard, you evil genious, you. It's not enough to make them watch a cartoon, or to make them wear matching kilts, she also wanted to see them ride a bunch of asses Ryans donkeys. She couldn't have put them all in Speedos atop Arabians?

First Highland game: Archery. Ems gives a stellar performance in her cute little scottish skirt. The guys don't do so shabby, themselves... ummm except for Chris. He didn't hold his butt quite right, I guess.

Next game: Log throwing. Chris steps up. He tries his hardest not to stick his butt out and in the process, loses focus. He drops his log. Speaking of double entendres. Stop it, Michelle. Dougie Doug has quite the physique. Poor Jef. He wasn't able to roll his log over either. [says as she snickers] Sean did so well he actually BROKE his wood. I said wood. I'm on a roll. Another nice physique to look at, though.

Game 3: Something that sounded like maid leash. But for all intents and purposes, I'll call it tug of war. Chris gets to choose his partner. He chooses Doug. Hmm. Would be a confusing pick if not for the drama that has been stirring between them. Chris wanted a chance to one-up our hunky Dad. No such luck. Sweet mother of all biceps and triceps, Dougie does NOT neglect his arms in the gym, folks. Sean over powers Wolf AND Doug. He may have won the games, but Chris got the bravery cup. Chris may not be the most athletic or powerful one in the bunch, but I'm still a fan.

Emily, whoa baby, that dress. That beautiful, backless, sparkly, black dress. And those amazing black stilettos. But what the heck is in between? Black pantyhose? Black tights? Black leggings? Girl, c'mon. What happened to your judgment.

Sean gets her alone and continually moistens his lips just waiting on a kiss. I also notice that the Croatian sun seems to have actually lightened up those brows. Didn't know that was possible. Arie issues an apology for London. She is more than forgiving of course. I mean, it's Arie. They stroll along taking their sweet time getting back. And just then, he pushes her up against the wall and lays a kiss on her that only Arie can get away with. That guy. Oh boy. If his kisses don't make Ems have impure thoughts, she has no libido. I can't even take it. I need to look away. Look away, Michelle, just look away.

D-bag finally gets his date card. The world is our oyster.

"Yo man. My date card says oysters. You know what's in oysters? Pearls. That's what. Hmm. I feel compelled to get her a necklace. Eh eh eh eh y'no'wut'umm'saynnn. Man I'm cool. And I'm such a perfectionist. Every morning I look in the morning and ask myself who do you want to be today. And then I pat myself on the back and practice my lame lines. Dude I'm so hott. I can get women. You hear me? I can GET 'EM! I'm not a loser. Who called me a loser? Michelle did? Well that's because she knows my type. She knows I'm an insecure pathetic arrogant astardbay who needs a reality check. Dr. Jamie, help!!"

Jef sneaks her off alone. He really is so sweet. Does he use the word like that much when he talks to other people, or does Ems just make him nervous? We've got to work on that, Jef. His kisses are sweet but, bless his heart, a far cry from Arie's. Oh well, she wastes no time playing tonsil hockey with him so it must not be that bad. Mr. Bravery gets her alone and tells her she is the one. He can totally fall in love with her if she will let him. This, along with a great day, earns him the rose of bravery. He gives her a kiss that falls obscenely short of passionate. Step up your game, brother. You best be brave enough to swap slobbers if you want to stay in the game!

Ryan gets ready for his date. He shaves his face while shirtless. I have no objections to that. Almost makes ya forget what a tool he is. Not quite, though. It's just nice to see him without that hideous poof on top of his head. Emily arrives to pick him up.

Ryan: Hey girl. What's crackin? Hey that gives me an idea. Never mind. I'll save that line for later. What'cha gonna do today?
Ems: You will soon see.
Ryan: Yeah girl. The world is our pearl. Oops, Freudian slip there darlin. It's our oyster. But I KNOW you gon' see a pearl before it's over with hehe. I crack myself up. I always see the good in things. The cup is half full, girl.
Ems: You do see the good in things.
Ryan: I know there's a pearl in there.
Ems: You think so.
Ryan: Yeah girl. There's a pearl. Ready to go necklace shopping?

Arie: Shoot me now.
Michelle: Shoot me now.

Ems: You got all the lines, lame-o.
Ryan: Ohhh yeah girl I'm just gettin' started.
Ems: Let's blow this pop stand before everyone pukes.

The universe is looking out for me. No vehicle could've been more perfect for him to be stuck driving. Small brain, small hands, small car. Enough said.

After taking some pictures of the "beautiful" landscape (i.e. Emily's rack), he drives them to their destination. He is a little shocked to see that oystering wasn't an inuendo. All this time, he had his eye on the prize. The pearl. The necklace shopping. You know. But as he realizes they'll be eating the oysters, he throws the word aphrodisiac out there. He also throws around the term trophy wife. Dude. Really. Stop it. This guy seriously needs a kick in the crotch.

Emily looking stunning in her gold evening gown, and Ryan even threw on a suit for dinner. Million dollar question: what's with the shoes that look like surgical booties. What would Ames say? Ryan doesn't need cool shoes, though. His swag makes up for his fashion faux pas. And so does his poetry. Top 12 qualities Ryan wants to find in a woman:

1. Loyal. Someone to grab my can through good or bad.
2. Logical. Someone who realizes I'm the shiznit.
3. Naive. Someone to fall for all of my lame cheesy lines.
4. Encourager. Always lifts me up and carries me to the dungeon.
5. Faithful. Someone to sit home while I go chase dumb women.
6. Nurturer. Someone not afraid to massage my freshly shaven legs.
7. Confident. Somebody that loves to laugh. And not just at my small... hands.
8. Assertive. Not afraid to tie me up.
9. Unselfish. Someone who will share her BFF with me...or at least a sister.
10.Beautiful. Sexy personality and nice knockers.
11. Magnetic. Somebody people are drawn to. You know, like a trophy.
12. Loves to catch my eye. See how I did that in bold. I'm so cool with my word processing skills.

Emily's not feeling this David Letterman list. Rose looming, he gives her a couple of winks and a grin, and sits confidently knowing he is about to receive the rose. But in a "shocking" - shocking only to Ryan - twist, she does not give him the rose. He is shocked because he never got the chance to prove his growth. Oops, another one of those double entendres. Sleep deprivation throws my mind straight into the gutter. He practically begs for the rose. Emily hesitates. The guys sit back at the house and take bets on it. Arie threatens to enlighten Ems on the wicked wiles of Ryan. I reminisce about Ashley and Bentley. Ems doesn't change her mind. Ryan does not get the rose. Take your turquoise shoes on outta here, sonnnn. Back to the peach state to surf eBay for some self-help audio books.

"The guys must be shocked I'm not coming back [he says as the guys chest bump and cheer]. I'm shocked. I hate rejection. I never got rejected in middle school. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. Winning. Ya fools. Hey,  I wonder if Courtney is single yet. Peace out, uglies. Oh, and will y'all please leave the bad stuff on the cutting room floor? The last thing I need is to be portrayed as an arrogant a**."

Irony, anyone?

In moving on, I'm curious at this point what the drama will be about. Ryan's gone. Kalon's gone. What could this be about. The previews we saw last week. I'm on the edge of my seat as the show moves into its final minutes.

Arie goes to see Ems. He wants to disclose some things about Ryan to make her feel better about her decision to send him home. She couldn't wait to talk about it all upstairs in her bed. Because that's where most serious conversations go down. Right? Of course it doesn't take long for round 2 of tonsil hockey to begin. I honestly feel like, by watching this, I'm interrupting a married couple on their wedding night. Look away, Michelle. Just look away.

Time to hand out some roses to some very willing bachelors. Emily Maynard and her gorgeous wardrobe. Good golly that white dress is stunning. And the plunging cutout back... just an added bonus. And in case you're wondering, my girl Carrie Underwood wore that dress to the Grammy's. I've compared these two women before. Both beautiful. Both elegant. Both ladylike. Both graceful. Both confident. Both worthy of high praise.

Wolf gets some much needed alone time with our bachelorette. He proceeds to reveal what he carries in his wallet. No, not that! Cards from his grandparents' funerals. We see an emotional side of our St. Louis boy. What happened. Admittedly I've grown more fond of him gradually. However, this side of him is very sexy. It's like a switch flipped. Maybe it's because of how I feel about my grandparents. Maybe it's because of the relationship my husband had with his late grandpa. Whatever it is, Jon the Wolf just became a little more attractive.

Dougie Doug gets his alone time, too. He is like a scared little puppy. She called him self-deprecating. Uh-ohhh. She has no idea that exact term lit his fire last week. Irony, anyone? In his interview, he tells how he feels like he's taken a step back. He talks about his son and gets choked up. And then it's like he starts looking for a way out of that room. Like when an earthworm gets trapped on a sidewalk and squirms around trying to figure out where to go. That's Doug. I'm beginning to wonder about his downstairs mixup.

Harrison finally shows up. Seriously, where have you been, man. Time to find out who's going to get a rose and who's going to follow Trav and Ryan back to the states.

Sean - Well of course!
Jef - Two for two.
Arie - Oh, my love.

Here's where it gets sticky. Your guess is as good as mine!

She walks out, rose in hand. She tells Chris she's having a tough time. She doesn't want to give it away. She gives Harrison the rose. My heart sank. She goes back in to tell the guys she can't hand out the final rose. Just as I got emotional, Harrison walks in with not one, but TWO roses. Two, my friends! I literally got butterflies. I was happy they'd both be staying. Regardless of the things I said about Doug, I want to see something blossom just to see more of him. Something real! Aww this was a happy ending. Good riddance, Ryan!

Next week, Prague. Oh dear, talk about exotic locations. Watch for celebrities! And fireworks. Library makeout sessions. Chemistry. Chris crying. Arie's skeleton. Wait, what?! Arie? What is this? Please tell me it's not as big a deal as it seems. Please tell me she's just being jealous about something insignificant. Please oh please. I can't take Arie drama. If he gets the boot, I vote Arie for Bachelor! Shoot, I vote Arie for President! It's a figure of speech, politically-charged readers. I mean no disrespect to the leader of our nation, or to past and future leaders of our nation. That said, Arie for President!

Until next week, friends!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Awww Nawww Gurrrrrl...Hold My Urrrrrings!

Hats off to Emily flippin’ Maynard, yo! Not only was I ready for this one to happen, but she did it with swag! And boy was it fantastic. But that’s a story for later.
In true Emily style, the show begins with little Ricki on a tour of London. Then the guys gather in Trafalgar Square. Harrison was looking quite dapper in his purple scarf. Once again, he explains the date situation. Three dates, yada yada yada, if you do not receive a rose you’re outta here. Get ready guys, you’re in for some jolly old fun!
First date card: Sean, love takes no prisoners. The others are a little jealous. Kalon is a lot jealous. Sean couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks. He’s off to ride a double decker bus to a remix of Rule Brittania, all before some super fun sight seeing with Ems. All in all a pretty fun day. Not much to write about, though.
Back at the pad, Arie and Jef have a chat with Kalon, and to talk about the fact that they are sitting at that table rather than on a date with Ems. Kalon proudly displays his disdain for the situation. He makes a terrible statement about every date being a group date with Ricki along. Who does this guy think he is! Seriously. Who? It is fitting that he is in the land of royalty because he is a King. The King of D-bags! Just an is an excerpt from an article talking about Kalon's Mom. Proof that the apple doesn't fall very far...

"I actually thought it was hilarious what he said about life with Emily being a non-stop group date," she [Kalon's Mom] laughs. "It's such a classic Kalonism — funny, clever and very real."
Wow. Talk about shallow gene pool.

Ems is losing her voice. I’m getting a Jillian Harris vibe from the raspy thing she has going on. Dinner time at the Tower of London. Apparently, King Henry VIII lived in this old tower and beheaded a couple of his wives there. Granted, I’m not very well-versed in history such as this, and I don’t know much about the lineage of English royalty, but the romance and charm of this are lost on me. I don’t get the appeal. But then again, I’m just a semi-country girl from small town USA. Nonetheless, they clearly did not mind any of that. They found romance in a dungeon. As well as the ghost of Scooby Doo and some bat poo.
Date card #2: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, Wolf, Kalon. Needless to say, Kalon isn’t pleased. He thinks nothing smells like a rose and everything smells like [insert expletive for dung].
Ems wraps up the night by giving Sean a rose. As he licks his lips and undoubtedly wipes the sweat from his creepy flesh-colored brow, he sneaks in some lip action.
Stratford Upon Avon. The location where raw talent is displayed. A sidewalk production of Romeo and Juliet, compliments of...these guys. When the news first broke, Arie about swallowed his tongue at the thought of reciting lines to a play that most menly men don’t know a thing about. The auditions begin. Travis goes first. I must say, now that Shelly has passed, may she rest in peace, ole Trav has a bit of appeal. Not so much physical charm, but this guy has a sense of humor. I’m ALL about the humor. Anyone who can laugh, especially at themselves, scores major points with this girl. His performance cracked me up. Thankfully, Kalon got one of the Romeo roles. After all, he was born to play this role! Quite the thespian, that Kalon. Arie and Doug get roles as nurses. This oughtta be good. Ryan is just pumped he gets to kiss Juliet. Because the most romantic place to share a first kiss is laying on the sidewalk in front of a bunch of dudes and random on-lookers. Score! But the show must go on.
During rehearsals, Arie experienced a mild stroke as he recited words such as jaunt, aweary and poultice. Annnnd scene. Did anyone else know that Shakespeare is huge in Madison, Mississippi? See what I mean about Travis. Humor kills. Kalon, on the other hand, just kills. Kills my soul. But you gotta give the guy props for taking it so seriously. I mean, c’mon, the quickest way to a Bachelorette’s heart is through an off off off off Broadway theatrical piece. It’s good he realizes the importance of a good performance. You go boy. In case it is not detectable, you may feel free to insert a great amount of sarcasm in the previous statements. Did he really shoo her away? Did he tell her to run along? I rewound to make sure I heard that correctly. If you are keeping count on how many times I say the words WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, you can add another tally mark. Who? Really. WHO!
The performances ensue. The boys find out there will be a live audience. A couple of them peed their pants, the rest of them asked for a shot of liquid courage because of frayed nerves - except the great Kalon. He wasn’t nervous at all. Remember, he was born to play this part.
The play has lots of sword fighting. Irony, anyone? Kalon seems to be vying for an award. The rest of the guys are having fun. Travis got the raw end of the deal on footwear. Someone in wardrobe thought it would be funny to stick some turquoise cowboy boots on this guy purely for their own amusement. I would like to thank them for picking out the most horrid bubble skirt for Ryan the d-bag to wear...oh and the weird ankle boots, well that’s just an added bonus. He’s just glad he finally got to kiss Ems...twice. Yo Ryan, thou-est suck. And the Tony goes to........ nurse Arie! Sorry, Kalon.
Performances are over and it’s time to chill at the pub. Ems finds herself alone with Arie again. Coincidence? I think not. But that pales in comparison to Casanova (or shall I say Romeo), because he has a plan. A solid plan to close the curtains.
Ems: You are trouble.
Ryan: Yeah girl. I see you smilin'. You know you wanna get in trouble.
Ems: You are rotten.
Ryan: Yeah girl. You know you like it.
Ems: It’s kinda dark in here.
Ryan: Yeah girl. It’s kinda dark in my pants too.
Ems: Dude.
Ryan: Oh I AM a dude. I got somethin’ in my pocket for you. And I’m happy to see you, too.
Ems: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down.
Ryan: Don’t worry girl. It’s just a necklace. It matches the handcuffs in my other pocket.
Ems: Thanks. I love it.
Ryan: Ohhh yeah girl, you ARE gonna love it! [insert cheesy wink here]
Ems: Ok well I’m gettin’ creeped out. Can we leave?
Ryan: Yeah girl. Let’s go back to my place.
Ems: Chris Harrison! Where’s Chris Harrison? Help.
Ryan: Ménage à trois? Yes please.
Kalon sits on the leather couch seething over the fact that he hasn’t had a moment alone with her yet. Her, meaning an exhausted, sick, mother who has a child waiting on her. WHO does he... you know the rest. And in this moment, the cat is let out of the bag.  Or in this case, the BAGgage. I gotta say...I thought the culprit was going to be Ryan. I guess he’s too worried about his game to say something like that. Kalon, on the other hand, isn’t afraid to go there. Clearly, he has spent his life getting his way. He is still a 6 year old boy crying because he got Cocoa Pebbles instead of Cocoa Puffs. As I said, KING of the d-bags. So anyway, the guys start discussing Kalon as he stands outside and stews in his immaturity. Leave it to Doug to confront him. We know Ryan’s not going to because he’s “not worried about other folks.” Loser. Good thing we have a Dad on hand to set this straight. I do think Doug has a shady side, but one thing Doug is never shady about is his devotion to parenthood. I applaud his loyalty to Emily as a mother. So Doug confronts Kalon. Shockingly, he doesn’t deny it. Doug goes to bat. He tells Ems. She wants to rip off Kalon’s limbs and beat him with them. She's gonna take a ride on the disco stick. Then she’s gonna go all West Virginia hood-rat backwoods on his A! You go girl. Nobody messes with Mama-bear! She asks Kalon if he has anything to say for himself. Of course he does. An attempt at justification for his statement. She begins her defense. He interrupts. And in the second most beautiful moment in any Bachelorette season, history repeats itself. Kalon gets a taste of his own medicine. “Let me talk! I love to hear you talk...but not until I’m done. I got that line from you!” Ohhhh ma’gosh. Ouch. I literally felt butterflies in my stomach. She gives him one last chance to redeem himself, but he has nothing. Annnnddddd in the category of MOST beautiful moment in Bachelorette history, Ems turns off her Southern girl je ne sais quoi and tells Kalon to GET THE BLEEP OUT! Let it be known that this is not an endorsement of profanity. But let it also be known that she is my hero. Team Emily. Yo, douche bag. Go back to Texas where you are more likely to find one or two people who can tolerate your sorry a**!
Whew. Now that THAT drama is over, time for the final one-on-one. But not before some Ricki time. For the record, I’m digging the hot pink bedspread. Don’t judge.
Jef and Ems head off for afternoon tea and etiquette lessons with Jean Brooksmith. They learn about tea and spouts and scones and a bunch of other crap nobody cares about. I have a feeling even the lovely Kate Middleton would scoff at this lady. Jean saunters off to visit the loo. Ems and Jef make a mad dash out of there to hit the Bell & Crown restaurant for a couple of pints and some fish’n’chips....foregoing the PB&J with crust. Jef brings up the Kalon topic. I assume to get it out of the way, but still...buzzkill. He elaborates a little more on things Kalon had said. I am left wondering that familiar question....WHO?! I have the answer. God. That’s who he thinks he is. I still would have loved to see her take those earrings off and go all West Virginia on his perfectly starched, loafer-wearing, metrosexual, yuppie a**.
On to better things. Jef. Sweet Jef with one F. I do believe he’s winning her over. He won me over a long time ago. I don’t see her picking him in the end, but I think he’ll survive a few more rose ceremonies with his boyish good looks, his charm and his fabulous hair.
On to the London Eye. Romance transpires. He also lets her know he is impressed with her unabashed willingness to tell a guy to get the bleep out. Can you imagine how THAT conversation went down in the house last night when the pub crowd was telling Sean and Jef about the scene?
And then, and then, and then....she totally dropped the F bomb, and I was all like huhhhh.
What? Dude are you serious?
Yeah, dead serious man. She said it.
That is so freakin’ boss.
Yeah I know. She’s so much hotter now than she was before.
Seriously. That’ll go down in history as their favorite moment of the whole journey. Mine too. She wanted to take out her earrings and go to town. Oh what I wouldn’t give to see that happen!
Anyhoo, back to the London Eye. Jef is saying all the right things, and I feel a genuineness there. With his overusage of the word like, and her nervous eye twitch, though - I felt as though it was an episode of Name That Twitch: OCD Or Tourette’s?
Needless to say Jeff gets the rose. But I’m a little bothered that those delicious-looking desserts didn’t get eaten. Also, they left their napkins laying on the table instead of in the chair. Jean wouldn’t be happy about this. Poor Jef had a My Best Friend’s Wedding moment. You remember that moment where Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are on the boat tour and “the moment” just passes them by as they emerge from underneath the bridge? That’s how I felt when their pod was making its approach to the ground, Jef wants to kiss her, you think he’s about to lay it on her, wait for it, but no... then the moment passes. We are now approaching the exit... My husband and I literally breathed an auditory and collective gasp followed by a sigh. He made up for it, though. He got his kiss, and I don’t know how it made her feel but it sure looked romantic to me.
Before the cocktail party, the guys sit and voice their retrospective opinions about the Kalon situation. I think they, as well as the entire viewing audience, are in agreement that Kalon is a complete tool. A douche bag with a license to sell expensive ties. If you need further proof that he wants the world to revolve around him, read his bio HERE

Good riddance, Kalon. And THAT'S sealed with a kiss luxury brand kick in the walnuts!

Ems begins her crusade to find out who’s in it for her. Who’s going to have her back. Who would be willing to kick Kalon in his family jewels. I wish we knew more details. She seems to be holding everyone accountable for Kalon’s actions. I can’t figure out exactly why she’s so upset with everyone. It seemed most of them found out the night of the group date. And even if they witnessed Kalon saying that stuff, it was the day before...not last month or last year. Whatever. I understand she’s just mad and needs to lash out. Either way, Kalon’s silver spoon served him up some baggage with a side of get the bleep out.
Ryan gives an encore performance of his lame Romeo enactment. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks, I am a douche, and Juliet is the sun. Leo DiCaprio, eat your heart out brother.
Wolf shows up to the rose ceremony in some sweet red pants. No, that is not a sarcastic statement. I’m so down with colorful clothing. Chris scolds the men and reminds him that Ems is taking this very seriously. Ryan snickers on the inside, Doug wipes a tear, and Jef & Sean whisper, “we already have roses, losers.” 
Emily, in her blinged out bracelet and stunning fitted off-the-shoulder dress, hands out the roses in this order:
Doug - First rose goes to the guy with the cahunas to spill the goods on Kalon.
Ryan - Second rose goes to the guy with the cahunas to throw one-liners at her without abandon.
Chris - Third rose to the guy who looks like Gerard Butler and made her speakers go boom boom.
Wolf - Fourth rose goes to the guy with the cool pants.
Travis - Fifth rose goes to the guy willing to murder an ostrich egg for her.
Final rose... drum roll please... Arie - So she saved the final rose for him. For me, there was never any doubt. For Arie, he was wishing he’d have worn his Depends undergarment.
It’s adios muchacho for our mushroom farmer. Looks like Sofia Vergara remains the number one Colombian import. I’m not sure why the tear shed. Odd.
Needless to say, I’m rejoicing in the absence of Kalon. That guy is so vile, I almost miss this girl...

Next time we head to a medieval city. Croatia. I hear medieval and I think, snore. However, it looks to be a beautiful city. Oh but that is secondary compared to the continuing drama of guys not being in it for the right reasons. The source of this one HAS to be Ryan. It just has to be. We shall see. Oddly enough, other than a clip of a conversation between the guys next week, there were no previews involving Doug. What could this mean? Top 3 prediction: Arie, Jef, Chris. I hesitate not to put Sean in the top 3, but I do see him in the top 4. So there are my predictions. Share yours in the comments section.
Until next week, here’s to colorful pants, Mama bears and unbridled F bombs. Until then, loyal readers :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

SNAFUs Stink

Ok readers. I am ready to share my recap with you for this week's Bachelorette. However, as life goes, I am experiencing a SNAFU. Situation normal all fouled up. Or as Emily would put it.... oh never mind. Anyhoo. My Internet is down. Blame HughesNet.

For the time being, I leave you with some fleeting thoughts:

1. Look up arrogant on your dictionary app, and I'm pretty sure you'll see Kalon's ugly face.

2. Sean still has creepy flesh-colored eyebrows.

3. I want to go shopping with Ems.

4. Ryan's game is tired. Hear me? TIRED!

5. Kiss count: Arie - 27, Everyone else - 6 collectively.

6. When I need etiquette lessons, I won't be calling Jean.

7. When Kalon needs to practice his Shakespeare, you can all just run along as he channels his inner thespian.

8. I'd pay good money to watch sweet Ems go all West Virginia hood rat backwoods on somebody's a**.

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the Comments section...