The Finale

I wonder how many I-HATE-ASHLEY-HEBERT clubs have formed since the finale.

The show begins with Ash sitting in the sun with her family as they wiped themselves down with towels...or in Lori’s case, watched sweat stream down her chest. It left me wondering why they didn’t set up this scene in a location a little less, ummm, sweltering.

Meet The Parents

JP comes strolling up the beach with his bottle of wine which is, without a doubt, rapidly nearing the boiling point. He sits down to charm the family. He asks them for a fire extinguisher to tame the flames rolling out of his derrière. Meanwhile, Ashley looks down her shirt hoping she isn’t up in flames herself. They sit down to dinner for the interrogation portion of the afternoon. Michelle “Bombshell” McGee aka Chrystie asks her sister if JP makes her laugh. Ash lets everyone know she makes herself laugh. They awkwardly try to move past this subject after Ash implies that he’s a complete bore. Although there was that one time when he told that really funny knock-knock joke. YESSSS, redemption! They ask for a do-over and to my *says with sarcasm* astonishment, her answer the second time around is “SO MUCH!” Giggling commenced. Ash gives herself a pep talk to be reassured that she is way funnier than anyone else at the table. The ladies retired to the AC to sip on White Russians so that Bombshell could pass judgment without sweating profusely, hence ruining the silver plating on her fake Chanel earrings. I agree that Ashley took a bit of a beating, but does she REALLY have to cry in almost every scene. And I swear she rubbed a bald spot on the top of her head with her excessive nervous finger brushing. Sob sob, rub rub, wipe wipe. She decides to go talk with her brother so that he will tell her what she wants to hear. Meanwhile, JP gets his turn with Bombshell. The alone time that was supposed to turn her around ended up in one of the tensest moments I’ve ever seen on the show. I’ve made no secret of the fact that JP slipped out of my good graces in Taiwan. However, it really wasn’t appropriate to browbeat him 5 seconds into the conversation. Again she goes back to the laughter question during family discussion. Searching for a reason to give him a hard time. Does she want him for herself? Did she not take her happy pill with breakfast? Did she leave her big girl pants at home? Or is she just a straight up... let’s go with bellyacher. Either way, I’m a little bit over her. And him too, for that matter. I wish their convo would’ve went down more like this...

Bombshell: Ok, JP, I don’t see it.

JP: See what?

Bombshell: A connection between you two. You don’t make her laugh. That’s just not acceptable. Have you tried armpit farting?

JP: Yes. I also tried the real thing and she still didn’t laugh.

Bombshell: You’re not right for her. Hmmmm...I think I’ll tattoo those words across my left ankle.

JP: I think you should put it down your arm and complete your sleeve.

Bombshell: Great idea! I like you, JP. Oh wait. I hate you, JP.

JP: No you don’t.

Bombshell: You’re right. I love you. I’m getting distracted. So back to the laughter thing. You don’t make her laugh. That’s all I have.

JP: Shut up and kiss me.

Bombshell: Ok but do you promise to make ME laugh?

JP: Well not with my kissing. Ashley says I’m the bomb at making out. And my cousin confirmed.

Bombshell: Tell me the one about the chicken crossing the road. I’m laughing already just at the thought of it. You ARE a funny guy. Or am I laughing at myself? Ok it’s genetic.

JP: Wanna go roller skating?

Bombshell: Only if you’ll play me some REO Speedwagon too.

JP: Done. Now go make Ashley cry again. I have a bet going.

Our resident skin head takes Ash for a walk on the beach to rag on her sister a little bit. That’s quite a no-no in my book. You don’t rag on someone’s sister like that. Uncomfortable conversation on the beach, a butt squeeze, then she walks off in a dramatic fashion leaving him standing in front of a setting sun. The next scene involved the sisters chatting about the JP thing. Ashley called her a dirty word and that’s pretty much the only portion of the conversation with substance. Bombshell does insert one very valid point. “You want me to just tell you what you wanna hear. You don’t wanna hear what I have to say.” True dat. However aside from that, it did feel like she was just trying to control Ashley and make the decision for her. Control freak. Maybe she and JP would make the better couple.

Ash meets up with tall, dark & handsome, aka Ben, to take him for the family introductions. He brings a bottle of bubbly. Let’s just hope it bubbles from carbonation and not from heat. Conversation with the family went swimmingly. He made Ashley laugh. SCORE, says Bombshell. Ben gets his one-on-one convo with the sister. She calls him Benny-boo. Apparently she had just watched How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Interjection - Great flick. Moving on. He doesn’t get the third degree as JP did. Benny-boo wins Bombshell over with intriguing conversation...well, and with his dashing good looks. She strolls to the beach to send Ben off on a tiny boat while she gets ready for date night. She gives his booty a squeeze too. Something makes me think she might be a butt girl. Can’t quite put my finger on it, though.

Getting Their Dates On

Ben appears. Looking super cute as always. One more thing that only THIS guy can rock...above-the-knee trunks with neon colored trim. YES, you go Benny-boo. They head to a hot mudpit. They seemed completely taken by it, but it looked more like a dirty pond with thick sludge. Unlike Jake and Vienna’s sexy mud bath in St. Lucia. Ashley rubs herself down with mud at an attempt to make herself irresistible. She then makes an inappropriate joke about rubbing mud somewhere on him. She laughs at herself again. This chick is a one woman comedy show.

Night falls and a romantic stage is set. It’s their final date and he is stylin’ as always in cute slacks and a button up. She shows up in a gym-worthy ponytail, a flowy tank top and jorts. Par for the course. He tells her he loves her. A steamy makeout scene follows. She’s all over him, appearing to be into him like no other. (boy would that turn out not to be the case...there’s a name for girls like that)

JP’s date begins on the sea shore. They head up to a shady couch overlooking the ocean to sip water in order to keep their core temp in check, considering it’s 128 degrees there. He jumps into sister bashing again. Dude. Seriously. Let it go. Ash is such a rebel that she’s going to pick you just to spite her sister. Was I supposed to say spoiler alert? Anyhoo. He professes his love to her, she affectionately kisses his cheeks, he plants one of those “awesome” kisses on her. I gotta ask, though - is it just me or does he begin every kiss with an open mouth swallowing of her lips? Whatever. Back at his room, he gives her a gift. A photo album of their journey. Also, a letter to her inside the album. Sweet gesture. I’ll give him that. You think there’s a picture of Benny-boo in it? She heads out, hair a bit (or a LOT) more disheveled than when she first got there.

The Time Is Upon Us

Clips of times past begin. I am completely touched by every Ben memory. On the other hand, I didn’t love watching the JP journey. We got to relive the night Ash hopped in her ugly, I mean cute, pj pants and pouted about the dot dot dot. We watch the boys choose rings. Ben is the winner with that stunner! My nerves are shot, my palms are sweaty, I’m waiting for JP to hop out of the first plane, aaaannnndddd FAIL! Ben gets out. My hopes are still high at first. I’m waiting to see her beam as soon as he begins the walk up the makeshift deck. Then... he approaches. She doesn’t beam. Instead she looks nervous. Like a woman about to unload bad news. Tear tear. Boom - he delivers a heart felt speech and drops to one knee whipping out that gorgeous rock. She grabs his hands, pulls him up, and says she’s sorry. All he can say is, “Wow.” He is rightfully a little bitter and angry. Who wouldn’t be? It’s obvious she has led on like he’s the one for weeks now! As I said, there’s a name for girls like that. Favorite part of the scene - when he tells her not to sugar coat it. Really though, who wants to hear someone who has just dumped you sing your praises. GO BEN!! It may take time for him to realize it, but she just did him a huge favor. This girl is whiny, insecure, wishy washy & a bit on the classless side. Basically a train wreck. Although he was definitely the best choice, this is gold for women everywhere because 1) he is available to more deserving women, and 2) hopefully he’ll be the next Bachelor and we can have more of our Benny-boo!

At this point, I lost interest. Ben is heartbroken. I’m angry. Everything from this point is meritless. I watch anyway.

Here he comes. The apple of her eye. “Heeeyyyyy handsome! You like my baby doll voice? Can we make out before I give you a rose?” yada yada yada, yeah yeah yeah, will you marry me. She wants to be with him forever. He gets the final rose. They splash in the water. Video montage to REO Speedwagon. They stroll on the beach. He unnecessarily drops a dirty word. End credits. My loss of interest in this couple.

Theory: Not only did she want to spite her sister, but she was also intimidated by Ben. He’s got it together and so does his family. He’s the wine connoisseur who knows what romance and class are all about. She’s intimidated because he’s not the redneck, Boone’s in a Dixie cup, roller skating type. So there it is...she dates down due to her own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. Even though she seemingly has strong connections with others, she sends home the ones with more intelligence and class than herself. Case in point: Ryan, Ames, and now Ben.

Prediction: This lasts less than 6 months. At their first argument, his short fuse will surface and she’ll see the uglier side of him. And/or he’ll get tired of reassuring her that Emily is not better than her. And/or she'll mistakenly call him Bentley at an inopportune moment.

Thank you, Ashley, for confirming that you aren't the woman anyone wanted to see at the reigns this season. Thank you, William for roasting about that. Thank you, Bentley for providing immeasurable entertainment in the midst of boredom. WORST - BACHELORETTE - EVER!!!! dot... dot... dot...