Windmilling - It's a Pilot Thing

Hi again. I actually finished my first full episode post! And only 2 days after I should have. Yay me. I hope you enjoy! :)

As we probably all anticipated, the season started out with our pilot in his aviators in the California sun, in true Cruise style. But honestly, he's more of Slider than than a Maverick or an Iceman. Cue music while I relive a certain volleyball scene in my brain.

Wait. Where was I? Oh yea, ya know how they only play a few interview packages? Well, they were a little uneventful. We didn't find much out that we didn't already know from the biographies. Except that Alexa does questionable things with hot wax and cloth strips. It makes me die a little on the inside.

In rolls the first group - a screaming pile of sequins, cleavage, and desperation in a stretch limo.

Out walks Alayah. If you've seen Grumpy Old Men, you surely know the line I'm thinking. Anyone? Moving on. This girl is a hot number in a low cut dress carrying a letter from her grandma Rose. I like to pretend it's a warning for Peter to run, or maybe test results from the health department. Seems more scandalous than a glowing recommendation. She was followed by more boringly pleasant limo exits and introductions. So far, nobody is bringing the gimmicks to introduction night. Just a series of pleasantries and pretty dresses. Victoria P. did add the happy dance to spice things up. Although I was worried about the integrity of those side straps as she bounced around. But alas, no wardrobe malfunctions were had.

I feel like I should track all of the misuses of the word literally but I have a feeling it would take up too many words. I did hear someone say, "he's literally a doll." Uh, newsflash Karen, he's actually a human. He might be a doll if you're figuratively speaking. But he's not a literal doll. Sorry to disappoint.

And finally the first gimmick... Eunice decided to "wing it" and impress Peter by wearing what was left of her Halloween costume. But hey, since she's a flight attendant, she's different. Right? Absolutely. Well, I mean, except for Jade and Megan. But they don't count because they're not there for the "flight reasons." Her words, not mine.

Gimmick number two is courtesy of my girl Madison. A ginormous paper airplane. Ok, deep breath. We can do this. For her. I loved her before the show started. I still love her now. So I'll find forgiveness in my heart for the corny entrance.

Tammy. Oh my lordt. Tammy. Let's talk about her. I'm not a fan of her testosterone-riddled personality. But she may have just delivered the best line in Bachelor history. You know. The package thing. She durrrty.

Shiann and her barf bag. No. Just no. Courtney and the tiny toy airplane. She better be glad she has other assets to make up for that shenanigan. And WHAT. THE. FRICKIN. FRICK. Who contorts themselves to get inside a suitcase? Ohhhh. Her. The girl who "literally" talks to brick walls. Well she literally just caused me to roll my eyes.

Can we just talk about the sexiest entrance of them all? And I'm not talking about a girl. I'm talking about the vintage red corvette. A-ooo-ga! Well played, Lexi.

Annnnd enter Deandra and her backpack windmill. Did she really just ask him if he's ready for round 5? I can't with her. Because of this, I'm OVER the windmill jokes. Even my own. I do solemnly swear to let it go. Let. It. Go. But as a show of good faith, I'm gonna need these girls to do the same. C'mon ladies. Pour yourself a 17th glass of pinot and put it to rest. Yes, it was four times. It's over. Move on. I mean we have new things to be shocked over. Like Katrina's introduction. Wowzers. Didn't see that one coming. But then again, I don't talk like a stripper. Maybe Victoria F. will restore our faith in humanity. Wait. Did she just say that? Pretty sure she wasn't implying she has a wet sense of humor. Somewhere in America, there are a couple of dads shooting tequila and tuning to SportsCenter.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion we have cows, blindfolds, and unsolicited kissing... wait a minute. Did she just impose a kiss without his permission? In 2020? Okayyyy, who hid Peter's rape whistle? Fun fact - I hear she does this while showing houses too.

In walks kismet in a red dress. Kelley, Kelley, Kelley. He already knows her. The target on her back is already there, but I'm ready to take down whoever messes with her. I know karate. I probably don't, but who really knows my ninja skills? I might do nunchucks. If I did have super skills to disappear anyone, I'd use them on the final limo. What is SHE doing here? At the mansion. Crawling out of a limo. Let's recap:

She sent home a sociopathic member of a religious cult because he hurt her feelings by striking a nerve about her promiscuous ways.

She ended up choosing a guitar picker who had another woman. She probably chose him because of his arrogant nature and his dog food jingles.

She then tried to land Tyler but he ghosted her for freakin' Gigi Hadid. Can ya blame a guy??!!

So, by default, Peter finished third. THIRD, y'all. That's barely even honorable mention.

But heeeeere she is. Trying to win him back because he's the only one left who'll give her the time of day. BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD GUY. A good guy who offered himself wholly to her. But clearly, that's not her type. Until he seems unattainable. Then all of a sudden he's interesting again. So she shows up to (supposedly) return the wings. Blah, blah, blah. Keep the wings, honey. He has a room full of potential wives inside getting hammered and waiting for wings of their own. Nobody wants your hand-me-downs. Bye now. But hey, I'm just ranting cattily. Sorry. I'm still hurt over the whole ordeal. I'll be fine, though. Moving on.

The cocktail party was the usual. Good conversations. Anxiety. Cheesy one-liners. Lots of wine. Jealousy. A tacky and quite aggressive middle school shenanigan involving a huge paper airplane. Sloppy tongue kissing. A first impression rose for the girl the others are mad at. Unnecessary tears. And an obscene amount of cleavage and side boob. I just hope there's a mono screening in the morning.

The roses go to:

Victoria P. - Wooty woot!

Madison - Still LOVE her. I just need her not to say the word 'like' every 4th word.

Kelley - A fave!

Lexi - I just want the car.

Savannah - Is her last name Weinstein?

Tammy - Get ready for a pile driver like you've never had, Peter.

Alayah - Not shocked. But I like her.

Jasmine - He's working on Sunday Chick-Fil-A

Sydney - Has she been here all night?

Natasha - Boo. Fly home on your giant poking device.

Mykenna - Becoming undecided on her.

Deandra - Letting it go.

Victoria F. - Reel in the tears, babe, and you might make it a couple of weeks.

And in other news, rose recipients not actively on my radar yet are Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann, and Lauren. I don't expect they'll all stay quiet long, though.

Megan is shocked she got dumped. Jade (or is it Jenna? who knows) gets 1.2 seconds of air time, as she creepily stares at Peter before she leaves. Kylie makes one last attempt to seduce him by biting her lower lip. Maurissa rounds up her flamboyant tatas and heads home. Hairless prepares to go home to her pussycat. And the rest of them didn't even score airtime on their way out.

Group date time!! "Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P, Jasmine, Victoria F... look up. Peter." OK then, let's go girls. Buckle up, those lady Top Gunners are about to grill your knowledge like you've never been grilled. At least not since 5th grade math. But even then you don't learn about suck, squeeze, bang, blow. What!? Why are you looking at me that way? It's air terminology. What were YOU thinking? Oh, and windmilling is a real thing too. And not just the kind in Crete, Greece. It's real. Google it. Also, the Urban Dictionary definition is not the one you're looking for.

After some gyroscope spinning and a traumatic teacup story from her childhood, Victoria disappears into the bathroom to inevitably vomit. It’s the teacups all over again, y’all. I told you. It was traumatic. But Peter to the rescue with the water bottle and some tender hugs. Surely I wasn’t the only one yelling at the TV telling him not to kiss her on her vomit mouth.

On to the tarmac for some healthy competition. You know, where people cheat at Olympic events. What’s that you say? It wasn’t an Olympic event? Or an actual event? Or even a thing with actual rules? Did anyone pass this along to Tammy and Shiann because they’re over here crying off their falsies because Kelley won. By unscrupulous means according to them. But hey, who’s the one flying high above the California coast line with the man of everyone’s dreams?

But all good things must come to an end. At the cocktail party, the rules of rule following and rule breaking are further discussed. Titillating conversation ya know. While Peter picks a bouquet of flowers growing on a block wall. Only in California I guess? Anyhoo, of course Kelley gets the date rose, which makes me super happy. Rule breaker or not, I love her.

There’s really not much to say about the one on one. It was with the beautiful Madison. Seriously though, why WOULDN’T he take her to the family vow renewal? And then to a romantic dinner. And then offer her a rose. And then end the night with music and dancing with the fam. You can’t make this stuff up. Incase I haven’t mentioned it (and I have) I love Madison! And thank you, Bachelor, for putting Tenille Arts on my radar and my playlist!

Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, and Savannah get picked for the next group date. And oh joy, it’s hosted by none other than Brown. She proceeds to talk about her escapades with Peter. Then shortly after, she disappears to a dark bar to cry her mascara off. There there, Hannah, I can recommend a good eye makeup remover. It’s on the same shelf as the ex-girlfriend remover. Try it, why don’t ya.

Since woman’s intuition is a real thing, I know I’m nowhere near the only one who noticed that Hannah played the “woe is me” card, smearing mascara on his collar, acting like she was so confused when she dumped him. Pretending to be remorseful. But then. Then it all changed the second he mentioned bringing her into the house. She only wants what she can’t have. Period. Again, I can't be the only one who noticed. Just stop it, ABC. Make her go away. Far far away. I can’t deal.

Speaking of smeared mascara, it's hard to look directly at it...

I need this to-be-continued-moment to resume next Monday with him saying goodbye for good to her. We’ve all seen you, Hannah. YOU CAN SIT DOWN!

I leave you with this gem. I'm guessing it was about 8 glasses in. See you next week!