Episode 2, Kalon the Obnoxious

Spotlight on Charlotte, where Emily sits with her circle of friends in the park for a play date. Meanwhile the men gather in the courtyard to listen to Chris Harrison explain the date situation for the season. He then lays down the first date card, which Doug is happy to read aloud.

“Ryan, be my king in the queen city...Emily” Ole Ry is none too disappointed. So much so that his fluff got a little fluffier. Immediately we see Kalon’s jealousy emerging...again. Who does this dude think he is?? Grrrrr

Ok as a self-proclaimed torso connoisseur I must point out the abundant stock of pecs and abs. Thanks for the distraction, ABC.

So she picks Ryan up for his date. First stop - Emily’s house... where he helps carry in groceries. Ok Ems I do love you so, but c’mon! Groceries? And then cookie baking. All I can say is he best get a cool date after being such a trouper in that floral apron, cracking eggs. Luckily, she has a dinner date planned for the two of them.

After commercial break, Ry stands ironing his shirt. Luckily, he didn’t bother to put a different shirt on for the scene. Thank you, reality TV gods for this treat. I’m beginning to think we have women behind the cameras this season. Anyhoo, Ems shows up in a hot car and an even hotter dress to pick him up. Far cry from chocolate chip cookies, my friends. Who pulls up to a restaurant and walks a red carpet just to have dinner? Emily does.

Ry gets some tough questions thrown his direction. He seems to have come prepared with solid answers. If this guy isn’t sincere, he deserves an Oscar.

Back at the mansion, the doorbell rings signifying that the newest date card is on the front steps. Chris is eager to grab the card so he can read it to the gang. Thanks to my lovely sister-in-law I now know who our resident lover of bobble heads reminds me of...Gerard Butler. Who else sees it? I must also point out that Tony has a Steve Carell quality about him, dont’cha think. Anyone? Anyone? But I digress. Date card: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie, Kalon - “Let’s set the stage for love” Hmm, ought to be an interesting evening. Pauly D and Kalon on the same date. Fun.

Ryan gets the rose and then asks for a chase. I like him, but is the chase thing a red flag? Time will tell. They then head out back to watch a band called Gloriana. Admittedly, I’d never heard of them. BUT I immediately went to iTunes and downloaded that song. I guess that makes me their newest fan. Ryan says all the right things as they danced on a pedestal to this beautiful music. Smooth talker? Pretty much. Sincere in his words? I sure hope so.

The dreaded group date approaches as Ems gets lovely in front of her mirror. The boys get to hang out with Kermit and Miss Piggy. I’ve always been a muppet fan so I’m loving this. I’m also loving Tony’s impression of Kermit! And can I just say that I dig Jef’s hair even more this week.

Moving on. Let the performances begin. Well, that is, only after Kermit helps Ems zip her dress. Bow chicka wow wow. Froggy love. The guys are on stage strutting their stuff while Ems stands atop stairs reminiscent of Madonna’s Material Girl video...or maybe Marilyn’s Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend. Then we move on to the comedy portion of the show. Fail. But next...a poem from our teacher. A proposal from cute Jef. And Ems in a magnificent pink sequin mini skirt. Wow. All in all, what a great night! This date was quite fun to watch.

Emily shows up in really fabulous shoes for a little rooftop chit chat with the boys after the performance portion of the group date was over. First she sits down with Gerard, aka Chris, and seems to think fondly of him. Then Jef. She seems a little insecure about his feelings. But I think he reassured her, judging by the fact that she was undressing him with her sparkly eyes.

Back at the mansion, the final date card arrives. “Joe, Come close to my heart...emily” He was thrilled man, pumped, it’s awesome, woohoo. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t jump around, though.

On the group date, Pauly D has turned up the cheese with his dance moves. It turns into entertainment for the other guys. Kalon is happy to bust in on that alone time to make himself feel like the alpha male. Dislike. And of course Pauly is ticked. This bromance - or lack thereof - is a molotov cocktail in the making. Their incendiary personalities, coupled with Kalon’s arrogance, are going to be the source of a lot of drama. So as Kalon sits spoon feeding Ems a load of rubbish, Aaron interrupts for a chemistry lesson. ONCE AGAIN, Kalon objects. WHOOOO does he think he is?! Who else caught the evil glare and smirk Kalon was giving Aaron behind Emily’s back during their hug. Oh my. If you have it DVR’d, go back and watch. I’m not kidding. This guy is a piece of.....work. Yeah, a smug piece of “work.” Then we get to hear him drone on about how he is a gentleman and about how he conducts himself more eloquently than the other guys and blah blah blah. The master of pontification! And the master of arrogance. What a pompous *bleep*.... I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro. Fortunately, I’m me. I’m the douchebag who rides in on a helicopter, pops the collar on my cardigan sweater and makes everyone feel uncomfortable. That guy is a joke. I am officially Team Pauly D.

Date rose goes to Jef. YESSSS.

Time for Joe Woohoohoo’s date. Gotta say. I’m looking forward to seeing him when he’s NOT acting a fool. They head off to West Virginia on a jet. Then they head to the Greenbrier in an old vintage car. Sweet ride, but the resort looks more like the place The Shining was filmed. Heeerrreeee’s Johnny. In their tour, they pass through the room of redrum before jumping in the pool. Even Joe has something to look at underneath that shirt. Good gravy this season is full of nifty things.

Speaking of nifty things, the guys are taking a dip back at the mansion. Oddly enough, our pretentious slimeball seems to be the one NOT sporting eye candy underneath his cardigan. He proceeds to offend Doug by accusing him of putting being a Dad on hold. Back the truck up, jerk. Don’t mess with a parent. I can find nothing good to say about Kalon the DB.

Heading back to the haunted hotel, Ems walks down the stairs looking breathtaking once again. If ever there were a perfect specimen, it’s her. Well, her and Carrie Underwood. Nonetheless, she’s physically flawless. Dinner conversation was a bit odd. I don’t think he gave the right answers to many of her concerns. He doesn’t seem to be headed down the baby track. I’m seeing his end in sight. As suspected, he did not get the rose. His exit was just as boring as his date. Darn. I wanted to see him jump around one more time before he went home. Purely for entertainment, though. I wasn’t his biggest fan so I’m not heartbroken. See ya later wooptydoo pants.

The first real cocktail party. I always wait for the drama to begin. Ems and Arie sit in the swing and have pleasant conversation. We find out that he dated a girl with kids. You could almost see butterflies dancing in her eyes at the thought of that. Then Ryan gets her alone (even though he already has a rose - that’s my pet peeve), so Steve Carell attempts to bust in on the date but instead gets stuck listening to her read a letter Ry wrote to her. Awwwkwardddd. And by the way, what’s up with the multiple page letter anyway? It’s like Rachel’s EIGHTEEN PAGE letter to Ross...FRONT AND BACK. Quite a mundane way to spend an evening. But I like Ryan so I’m gonna leave this one alone. Tony begins talking about his son, Taylor, who is back in BEAVERton. Almost makes me forget about the shoe thing. What has two thumbs and is starting to like Tony a little better? This girl. Kalon corners Ems on a swing. Doug steals her away...this time without objection from Kalon. Knock me over! But in true slimebag form he heads in the house to spread around his napalm again. The wolf finally scored some brownie points with me when he commented on dudes having Louis Vuitton luggage. I laughed out loud... literally.

Roses go to:

Kalon - The first rose? Really, Ems? Ughhhhhhh. He’s this season’s Courtney.

Arie - Yayy

Michael - Did he speak this episode?

Nate - Was he around this episode?

Sean - Seems nice.

Chris - I like.

Doug - He’s moving up my ladder.

Travis - Is that an egg in your pocket or are you just glad to get a rose?

Tony - I like his non-cheesy side.

Wolllfffff - He might end up being ok.

Alessandro - Alessandro does Dallas. Not a fan.

Charlie - Soooo a fan!

Alejandro - Can’t figure out why I think he’s sortof cute...except for the mullet.

Final rose time - As if we don’t know who it’s going to. We need drama.

Stevie - Kick his *bleep*, Seabass.

Goodbye to our Biology teacher, Aaron and to the creeper, Kyle. I’m cool with these decisions. My front runners are starting to become evident. I’ll begin ranking next week after I see a little more of these guys.

Next time - Ems and Arie share a great date and what looks to be a great kiss. Chris is the one who gets to see Luke!! Jealoussssss! Capital J. The egg finally gets broken. Alessandro crosses a line. Tony has a meltdown. Can’t wait!

Until next week, Bachelorette fans. I found this gem of a pic, and I must share!