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Monday, May 21, 2012

Episode 1, The Guys: A Multitude of Idiocy






Ok the last time I was this excited about a contestant - and anticipated him to be the “best ever” - it turned out to be a total bust. Therefore, I say with hesitation that Emily might be the best Bachelorette ever. No matter how this season goes, I will stand by the fact that she has the MOST potential to be the best ever. So don’t hold it against me if she turns out to be a flop, too. As of this moment, though, I am more excited about this season than I have ever been about another!
As expected, the show begins with a recap of Emily’s sad story. Once again, it brought out emotion in me. We are also reminded that she is pretty much Supermom, as we are reminded that Brad is Superdouche. Seriously, what is wrong with that guy.
A first for the show, everything takes place in Charlotte. Emily’s hometown. Just goes to show - ABC has as much faith in this season as I do. She wants to be close to home and more importantly, close to her daughter. You go girl.
I’ll start with my first impression opinions from the opening bio clips...
Kalon from Houston, Texas. He crawls out of a helicopter. The theme begins already. Before the guy says a word I’m thinking ok he wants us to know he has his own chopper. Andddd we care becauseeee? For me, this was affirmation that his arrogance will no doubt be painfully obvious for as long as Ems keeps him around. His first words - “I’m a young, fun, good-lookin’ guy with a few dollars in my pocket. I can wine, I can dine...” Andddd? He then tells us he used to be extremely loud and obnoxious. Used to be? 
Ryan from Augusta, Georgia. Mentor to kids. Physically fit. Cute enough. I’m thinking good things.
Tony from BEAVERton, Oregon. Oops, was my caps lock on? Just as I’m thinking he’s a dork for calling a stack of brick a “great batch” we cut to the gym. Have mercy. I haven’t seen the likes of that since Brad. Yikes. But that takes a back seat to a more important quality. He’s a Dad. Poor guy got cheated on, and is now a single father. What has two thumbs and wishes this guy weren’t so cheesy? This girl. But oh well, he has nice abs, he’s a Dad, and he has nice abs.
Lerone from Los Angeles. Nice-looking guy, has large biceps but a very small dog. No that’s not a double entendre. He has a small dog. Really.
David from NYC. Immediately his good looks are evident. Singer/song writer. At first sight, seems like a catch. Then he opens his mouth. When you begin a sentence with the words “I don’t wanna toot my own horn, but...” you KNOW nothing good will come after the but. He shows us his skills... Emilyyy, Emilyyyyy, Emilyyyyyyy oh ohhhh. Yeah I can see his song-writing talent. Haven’t seen a lyric like that since Theyyy sayyy loveee.
Charlie from Nashville. Already this guy scores a few points for living in one of the coolest cities ever. And he has a big dog! Bulldogs are so flippin’ boss. Now THAT’S a man’s dog. Yeah I think I like this guy.
Jef from Salt Lake City. Everybody has their passions and I would never begrudge anyone the right to do what they love, but I’m not sure Ems is looking for a 27 year old skater boy. That said, he obviously has a smart mind and a philanthropic heart. There is nothing more rewarding than giving back. Plus he's cute.
Arie from Arizona. A race car driver? Really? Just a tad obvious. But he’s cute and has a good name. Seems a little cruel of ABC, but we’ll see what happens.
After first impression clips, it’s time for the night to begin. I gotta say, they have found a locale even more impressive than the hills of Southern Cali. Other than the fact that she is wearing my prom shoes from 1988, Ems is looking ever-so-stunning in her gold accented gown. She’s so beautiful. She sits down with Chris to get her feelings out in the open and to hear some unsolicited advice about not talking about anyone’s baby-maker on night one. After that weirdness, it’s finally time to meet the men. I get the feeling its going to be a barrage of cheesiness. I’ve seen the previews.
Let the journey begin. In order of appearance, here are the men and what I think about them:
Sean, 28, Insurance Agent, Dallas. Another cool city! I’m not sure he has much of a personality but at least he didn’t open with some cheesy line...only an awkward hug.
David from the opening clip. He questions her about how they ended up in Charlotte. There’s just something not sincere about this guy.
Doug, 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle. First words: “I’m a hugger.” Oh boy! Then he starts talking about his status as a single parent. I’m torn. Is he using that stuff to get closer to Ems? Or is he a sincere guy with a soft side? Either way, he uses too much hair gel.
Jackson, 29, Fitness Model, Lockport, Illinois. Fitness model? Oh jeez. And he gets on one knee to recite a quote he read off of a vinyl wall hanging he saw at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Cheese! He’s just happy he didn’t screw up the words. After all, he’s practiced in front of the mirror in his Speedo all week long.
Joe, 27, Professional Moron Field Energy Advisor, Los Angeles. EMILY, what’d ya say, excii-iited, YOU look phenomenal, ALRIGHT [says as he jogs backward]. I have nothing.
Arie the race car driver. Didn’t realize he was so tall. Odd for a race car driver. Overall, I think this was a good introduction.
Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor, Long Beach, Cali. This creeper did nothing but compliment and look her up and down. Ewwww.
Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chi-town. A bit stiff, a bit wordy, a bit dull. I hope he steps it up inside.
Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher, Long Beach, Cali. I immediately dig his glasses. Then he pulls them off with the cheesiest line ever. A biology teacher here to have chemistry with her?? You and your chalkboard are stupid.
Alessandro, 30, Grain Merchant, St. Paul, Minnesota. A grain merchant from Brazil. Grain? If he says so.
Jef our charitable skater with Chris Isaak hair. Of course he rode in on his wicked skateboard. He was glad he didn’t wreck. I was too, but it would’ve made for great entertainment.
Lerone from earlier. He didn’t leave LA without a pocket full of lines. But looking dashing, as expected.
Stevie, 26, Party MC, Monroe Township, NJ. Grass green button up, boom box, tired dance moves. He just wanted to make her smile. Or frighten her. One of the two. Memo to Stevie: Just because you come from Jersey, spike your hair and carry a boom box doesn’t mean you’re Pauly D. Cheese!
Charlie the Nashville boy with the cool dog. I think I’m going to like him.
Tony from BEAVERton. Darn caps lock! Great abs, single father, great abs. What has two thumbs and thinks Prince Charming is Prince Tool? This girl. Put the ridiculous shoe down, idiot.
Randy, 30, Marketing Manager, Hermosa Beach, Cali. Ok I get where he was going with the whole granny thing, but the word inappropriate comes to mind. Get this guy out. Soon.
Right about now, I’m thinking Ems is wondering who the heck was responsible for casting this barrage of imbeciles.
Nate, 25, Accountant, LA. Oooh la la. Nate is a cutie. Anyone else see a hint of Prince William? I hope he’s not a jerk because I like him already.
Brent, 41, Technology Salesman, Fresno. Oh sweet mother of cradle robbers with name tags. 41? No. Go home. Hello my name is loser.
John “The Forehead” “Wolf”, 30 Data Deconstruction Specialist, St. Louis. First of all, beware of anyone whose name is in quotations...and no last name is given. Second, what the heck is a data deconstruction specialist? I Googled it. Even Google doesn’t know. I’m picturing him typing some numbers into an Excel chart or graph. So there it is. A glorified data entry clerk. My prediction: someone will ask him what he does and he won’t give a direct answer. His friends call him wolf. And he’s admitting that.
Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep slash Ostrich Breeder, Madison, Mississippi. He’s going to take care of the egg like he would take care of Ems and Ricki. I remember being in high school and having to take care of an egg like it was a baby. I was in high school, Travis! High school.
Michael, 26, Rehab Counselor, Austin. The hair. Oh the hair. Not good. He’s a music lover. So basically, he likes to turn up the radio while he’s driving down the highway letting his hair blow beneath his sun roof. He gives her a guitar pick. Wonder if he can really play. They sayyyyy.
Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist, Seattle. He claims not to know much about her. Oh please, Jacques Cousteau!
Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Fran. First things first. This guy has a hint of a mullet. Nice. And now we have 2 South American guys with essentially the same name who work with mushrooms and grains. Interesting. Plus I won’t be able to get Gaga out of my head until they’re both gone. Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, Alejandro.
Ryan the trainer from Georgia. Aside from that fluff on the top of his head, I like his looks ok. Normally, I find gimmicks lame. However, something about that note was quite charming. I think I’m going to like him.
And last but not least, our boy Kalon the great rides in on that chopper from his opening clip. Should’ve known that’s who it’d be. Ugh. I’m not impressed. But apparently Ems was impressed. Did she overlook his horse teeth? I guess so. He rolls onto the patio trying to feed lines to the guys to win them over. This fool is only here to impress people. Please leave.
The cocktail party seems to be going ok at first. I spotted a sense of humor in Charlie. I like. Mr. WoohoohooALRIGHT appears to be a bit inebriated early in the evening. Our resident “old dude” discloses the fact that he has 6 kids...count ‘em...SIX. Eeek. Chris, who I had hoped would step up his game, whipped out bobble heads. Not what I meant by step it up. But it sure beats Trav swinging with his egg. Ohhh the romance between and man and his yolk. Ok, at first I poked a little fun at Jef and his skateboard, but I’m starting to see something in him. A sincerity and a real cuteness. I literally found myself smiling when they were talking out under the gazebo. Doug brings a note from his son. Did his son make these words up or did Dougie tell him what to write? I still can’t decipher sincerity from cheese in this guy. Kalon gets Ems alone. He tells her he was raised by a single Mom. Oddly convenient. Maybe he was, maybe not. Pardon my cynical side. Pauly D wanna-be sure is spending a lot of energy on chopper boy, though. Intimidated much? Arie finally gets his time with her. I’m nervous for him. But it went over well. She seemed ok with the whole race car thing. 
First impression rose time. I automatically thought Jef or Ryan. But I’ve been wrong in the past so I wasn’t surprised that I was wrong again. It went to Doug. I just hope he turns out to be sincere. I’m having a hard time with him. I gotta say I’m already sick of Pauly D. He needs to take his boom box, his bad attitude and his insecurity on back to Jersey! But for ratings sake, he and chopper will be here a while I’m afraid. After all, we have to have someone to cause trouble.
Rose recipients in order of how she called them:
Chris - Wondering if his bobble head got a tiny rose, too.
Ryan - I’m happy with this.
Kalon - Shocker. Ratings.
Arie - Well of course Arie stays.
Charlie - Aww yayy.
Jef - I like me some Jef!
Nate - Can’t wait to find out more about him.
Sean - Seems nice so far.
Joe - His thought bubble went a little something like this - Woohoo, OH YEAH, that’s what i’m talkin’ ‘bout, EM-I-LY!
Kyle - Creepy.
Aaron - He’s ready to give that chemistry lesson now.
Alejandro - Just smoke my cigarette and hush.
John - Howwwlllll no.
Alessandro - Seriously?
Michael - Oh dear. Someone please shave his head in his sleep.
Stevie/Pauly D - Ratings, ratings, ratings.
Tony - If he’ll just shut up and flex he’ll be ok.
Travis - Will someone please scramble his egg.
Goodbye guys:
Jackson - Back home to memorize more quotes in his fitness speedo.
Lerone - Small dogs turn chicks off.
Brent - Back home to his brood of kids. Who cast him anyway?
Randy - He takes his granny wig back to the west coast. What a boob.
Jean-Paul - Now you’ll know even less about her, Jacques.
David - Didn’t even score a closing clip. He already headed out to NYC to toot his own horn while writing some more amazing lyrics. I bet he has Wes on speed dial.
Previews for the season. Luke Bryan, people!! Excuse me while I catch my breath. Can’t wait for that episode. Mmmm. Looks like it’s going to be an exciting season! Emily channels her inner truck driver on someone. Grown men are crying like babies. Jef seems to get cuter by the episode. Woohoohoo Alright OHyeah Excii-iited!!
I can’t close without sending a big thank you to Jackson for providing us with the eye candy under his pink button up. Kudos, my man! Who else paused the TV for a minute? C'mon people, don't lie.

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