Episode 2: Makin' Mad Rizzies

As promised, here is the recap from episode 2... and only one week late. Baby steps. It is a lovely day, the swimming pool is calling my name, the sunshine beckons, but I have chosen to stay true to my word. The outdoor fun can wait. So here we go. My continuing journey to play blog catch up, and earn back the respect of my readers. As I wade through the hair product on my screen, I hope I provide a recap worth the wait.

Chris enters in a shirt reminiscent of silk pajamas. Is it a PJ top? Is it not? Anyhoo, he delivers some much anticipated info. Fellas, gather in the living room for a little testosterone-filled bonding time. So fellas, how ya like this hizzel? Zak been skivvy dipping this morning yet? Let’s get this party started. Des will be over later. *insert cat calls, whoops, and applause* She will be taking one of you on a date, and the lucky man’s name is on this date card. But first let me give you the skinny on the haps. Each week there are 3 dates, group dates and one-on-ones. Roses up for grabs on each date. If you get a rose, you’re golden. If not, well, you do the math. If you don’t get a rose on a one-on-one, say your goodbyes. Here’s the date card. See ya later, fellas.

Brooks, I’m waiting for a sign. Great. Just fantastic, Des. Brooks? While he celebrates, we see Des sketching some designs at her new pad. She is pumped up about her upcoming dates.

She picks up Brooks in her Bentley. The first complainer ABC shows us is none other than Ben. This isn’t looking good. It takes a “special” guy to irritate me this severely by episode 2. So she takes Brooks to her place of employment to show him what she does. While there, he unwittingly dresses for St. Patty’s Day. Then they dress a little spiffier, take a couple of selfies and head to a cupcake truck to grab red velvet and be mobbed by strange people before visiting theHollywood sign. I’ve said it a million times...it is on my bucket list to visit this landmark up close. I’ve been to LA twice, but didn’t get to do that because of construction... both times. Boo. Anyway, lucky them. Ok, so he’s a sweet guy with a good sense of humor. I’ll give him that. But geez Louise. The hair. The teeth. The chin dimple. The almost feminine air he exudes. No. Just no. Des disagrees, though, evidenced by a game of tonsil hockey high above the Hollywood Hills. And all while sitting on the big L. If they wanted irony, they would’ve chosen the big O. But a letter’s a letter.

Brooks Part 2. A spooky drive in a shady part of town. All leading to a bridge hijacked by ABC for a candlelit dinner. Kudos, Mr. Producer Man. Pretty sweet trick...except for the part where this is happening in a seedy part of town. But alas, the romantic dinner was sabotaged by talk of divorce and other such sadness. Buzz kill.

Meanwhile, the next date card arrives amongst the hooping and hollering going on back at the mansion. Hashtagger Kasey is quick to grab it up and read it aloud. It’s the group date. Dan, Juan Pablo, #myself, Zack K., Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben. Who’s here for the right reasons? 

Back to Brooks Part 2. He gets a sympathy rose. Yeah yeah. I know. That’s not fair. Maybe she actually likes him. Probably so. But the only chemistry I feel between them is of the BFF sort. Nonetheless, Des and her bestie make the magical journey to a concert in the dark. It’s Andy Grammer. The only song of his I know, I don’t really like. However, a private concert would be romantic even if Joan Rivers were the one singing. Well, not really, but you get the point. They dance the night away with even more kissing. Kinda puts a hole in my BFF theory, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

A group date at a winery. Because yes. That’s just what a group of salacious frat boys need to win over a lady... an unlimited supply of alcohol. Throw in a large house, a few sports cars and Soulja Boy and action is bound to be lurking around the corner. Oh Mikey T. As we say in the South, bless his heart. He actually threw his arms out to do the Crank That move. I heard a Superman reference as well. Yes, that just happened. Juan Pablo in a flat bill and chains, bro. That also happened. After that, a string of white boy raps - #holla - and some very interesting wardrobe changes and rehearsing of lines. Spoofing past contestants..nice! #Kasey is up first with the whitest of white boy raps. #valentinefail And poor Brandon. First they make him spoof Mr. guard and protect your heart. But then they make him “jiggle his junk” in her vicinity. What a trouper. He deserves the rose for that alone. Then again, most of them do deserve a rose simply for this...

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but #Kasey is growing on me a little. Just a little. #callmecrazy And Zak W. is pretty darn sweet when he has his shirt on and gets a little serious. Ben steals her away from Mikey to whip out his putty knife and lay it on as thick as possible as they relax underneath some sort of animal skin. He is itching for her to ask him questions. Any opportunity to sing his own praises, right? He starts licking his lips and I knew what was coming. Yep. He leans in for the kill. #disgusting Brandon looks on and doesn’t like what he sees. I anticipate trouble here. He may either get discouraged and shoot himself in the foot by being standoffish, or he may get jealous and obsessive and shoot himself in the foot by causing another Emily O. vs. Courtney feud. Michael gets his time alone with her and assures her that he is there for the right reasons. For all the right reasons. Just listen to the lyrics, yo. Meanwhile, Mikey starts to fume. He can no longer hold it in. He corners Ben. Maybe Mikey will be the obsessive one. He lets Ben know that he didn’t appreciate him taking Des away from him. He also points out that he doesn’t come off as genuine. So he said what I think. Is this a true statement? Sure. Should he be calling him out on it? Probably not. But before the chat can escalate, they start comparing shoes. Dodged a bullet with Sperry talk.

Back at the house, the next date card arrives. Brooks reads it. Bryden. Road trip. This should be good!

Back at the man pit, Brandon needs time with his girl. He steals her from Drew. He tells her his sad childhood story. Dad abandonment. Mom drug usage. So much deep rooted emotion in his story. I fear he is going to be clingy though. #baggage

Time to hand out the rose. There are so many deserving guys, but who does she pick? Ben. Yes you heard me right. BEN! Noooooooo! I yelled at the TV. I really did. It’s an ABC conspiracy. The “bad guy” always gets the rose. Makes me sick. So does his lip herpes, for that matter. #contagious

On to the next one-one-one. My boy Bryden. Hop in, soldier. Go for a ride in that blue Bentley. They take off up the coast. Hellooo! Dream date! West Coast...it’s my Disneyworld. He is such a real dude. First trip to California. First time trying Brie. He is just so amazed by everything and it is so pure and refreshing to watch. Probably the most genuinely good guy there. Dinner was lovely. I have nothing to pick on. What can I say. I like this guy. Or maybe I love this guy. I think the two of them are quite a match. Of course, he gets the rose! Sniff sniff. Des wastes no time in getting him into the hot tub. She can wait no longer to see how the real soldier, not Soulja, boy tongue wrestles. And how about that torso, ladies?! #yougogirl

Cocktail party time. As it begins, I anticipate good stuff. Michael corners her early to try and trump the sad childhood stories that have been delivered. He talks about his diabetes with her. I’m just getting into the story and in walks Mr. I-already-have-a-rose! I know, I know. It’s the name of the game. But his approach is so infuriating. This guy just canNOT be for real. The word loathe comes to mind. This guy makes me miss Courtlip. Imagine. He’s just plain dirty, like his lip. When he said, “I love watching you smile” with that crow’s feet enhancing smurk of his, I literally had a physical reaction. Who falls for this crap? Who? Some of the guys pull Ben aside to read him the riot act. His response was just as arrogant as I expected. And lo and behold - we find out he is there to promote his bar. Thankfully, the talk of it has gotten zero airtime. Would serve him right to get the shaft! #loser

Brian carries her outside and tries not to rub any forehead sweat on her. He talked but all I heard was blah blah blah. What can I say. He bores me. That said, I did catch something about a recent relationship. Usually not a good sign.

Ting ting ting. Enter Chris with his champagne flue. Time to hand out some roses. In this order, the buds go to:

James - The word Duhhhhh comes to mind.

#Kasey - I like him more this week. I just do. #Dontjudge

Dan - Is this guy still here?

Juan Pablo - #rockedtheflatbill

Brad - I don't’ remember this guy.

Chris - I need to see more of him.

Brian - Is she for real?

Zak W. - Take your shirt off and tell us how you really feel.

Drew - Thank the stars!

Mikey - Uh ohhhh. Drama drama drama. Look out, Ben.

Zack K. - Thank you, girlfriend!

Michael - Double the drama.

Brandon - Sweet, sensitive Brandon.

Goodbye...

Will - Can’t believe he lasted THIS long!

Robert - This makes me sad. Poor decision, Des. He would’ve spun your sign like no other.

Nick M. - Eh.

This is where I normally say, “Next week...” but in this case it’s, “Tonight...”

Looks like a fun time. More Brandon. Maybe more Kasey. Sadly, more Ben and his black tank from Justice. A girlfriend. A lying, cheating, deceitful pig. Any guesses on who’s girlfriend the mystery woman is? Forehead sweat?

How about the rap video at the end? Pretty funny. Except for the part where we got a closeup of Ben’s lip. Say hello to his little friend.

Until tomorrow, lovely readers!