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Sunday, June 9, 2013

Desiree's Crop: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly


For starters, I am so glad to be back. I have missed the show, the blogging, my readers, everything about the process! Secondly, I owe you my most sincere apologies for the delay in getting started. To say the past few weeks have been a whirlwind is to highly understate it. But here I am - two weeks after the premiere - FINALLY blogging. I sure hope you find it worth the wait. Here we go, everyone. My first installment of Desiree’s Bachelorette season. Buckle up because, as Chris always states, this will be the most dramatic season yet.

In a random, and quite confusing, twist we are introduced to Des’ jalopy. For the purposes of giving this car an identity, let’s call her Beatrice.

So Des hops out of Beatrice and walks up the hill to her new abode. Obviously she is super excited, coming from her humbling childhood. In the old family pictures, did anyone else see the pics of Des and Lucifer Nate and wonder how did such a cute little boy grow up to be... well... you know? I sure did. Then came the flashbacks of her time with Sean. A reminder of one of the saddest goodbyes ever. Des is visibly shaken still. My guess is it won’t take her long to think ‘Sean who?’ though. Her new baby blue Bentley convertible should easily get that process rolling. Buh-bye Beatrice.

First up, the video clips before the limos arrive.

Bryden, 26, Montana, Iraq War Veteran - Hats off to him for his service to our country! Plus, he’s excited that it’s Des. Sounds good so far, but I don’t have enough information to gather an opinion just yet.

Will, 28, Chicago, Banker - This Bikram Yoga man loves life. He loves sweaty yoga. He gives lots of high fives. You could install a skating rink on his forehead. He loudly proclaims his love for her before even meeting her, and he does it Tom Cruise style. Again... is ABC trying to punish sweet Desiree?

Drew. Drew. Drew. 27, Arizona, Digital Marketing Analyst - So super cute. White teeth. Great hair, but lose the excess gel. Comes from divorce (I sympathize). Has a mentally handicapped sister. I’m thinking that makes him a patient and tolerate soul with a big heart. I like him.

Nick R., 26, Chicago, Tailor/Magician - Pulls rabbits from hats. Makes quarters appear behind ears. I still anticipate douchebaggery.

Zak W., 31, Texas, Drilling Fluid Engineer - He’s cuteish. Weird hair. Nice tan. Nice abs. But ohhhh myyyy goodness, I draw the line with giving Mother Nature a sneak peak of the goods over morning coffee. Creepy.

Robert, 30, LA, Advertising Entrepreneur - Sign spinner extraordinaire. Since I am an Ellen fan from WAY back, I have seen the sign spinning and like it. Bonus points for this guy. I believe he took a page out of Jef’s book of skateboarding. I can forgive him for not being original, though. He looks a bit like a young Rob Lowe. Just a bit, but a bit nonetheless. Is that a rescue dog he has by his side? Or has there been a freak accident causing the poor pooch to lose an eye? Shout out to my dog-in-law Clara, who also had an eye incident.

Mike R., 27, Dallas, Dental Student - Feels he is a Renaissance man. I still feel he is Jacob’s jacked up uncle with a bad spray tan. Born and raised in jolly old London?? Considering there is zero hint of a British accent in his voice, I call BC (keepin’ it clean here) ...probably more like, he lived there until he was 4. But he claims born and raised. Whatever helps him sleep at night.

Brandon, 26, Painting Contractor, Cali - Adrenaline junkie. Has some sweet moves behind a boat. Dad left when he was five. Mom struggled with addiction. Grandparents raised him. I alway sympathize with these types of situations. Has a positive attitude. Maybe my first impression was off.

So those are the clips. The good, the bad, the ugly. Now let’s meet them in person. In order of limo exit:

Drew. Drew. Drew. - Sweet hugs. Nerves have him shaken. He is so darn cute. Des agrees.

Brooks, 28, Marketing Consultant, Salt Lake City - He is this: nervous and cheesy with terrible hair. No thanks.

Brad, 27, Accountant, Denver - Pretty cute and confident. He brought a wishbone to trump her penny throwing. Not sure it was as successful as he wanted. I’m not sold on this one.

Bryden - This guy is officially on my radar. I think I’m going to like him.

Michael G., 33, Federal Prosecutor, Miami Beach - Hmm. A little in touch with his feminine side. Needs a little wine to go with that cheese. Sticking a hand in the fountain to find a penny for a redo...really? That said, seems pretty nice. The jury is still out, your honor.

Kasey, 29, Advertising Executive, San Luis Obispo - Works in social media... code for Twitter stalker. Thinks Des has amazing hashtags. Double entendre? #CrazyHair #ConfusingShoes #HashtagAbuser. He’s probably THAT PERSON who uses hashtags on Facebook posts. Hashtag pet peeve.

Will - Oh dear. I can’t even waste my typing energy on this high fiver.

Mikey T., 30, Plumbing Contractor, Illinois - Roided out. Wears white socks with black shoes. Thinks skinny ties are ok. Tried to win brownie points from Nate. Ugh, fashion-challenged butt kisser.

Jonathan, 26, Lawyer, North Carolina - My initial impression of him was mixed. My second impression... not mixed at all. Wow. A dirtbag with a room key. Gross.

Zak W. - Ok cowboy, we get it, you’re ripped. Now put some clothes on. And back off on the tanning bed a little.

James, 27, Advertising Executive, Chicago - What’s with all the dudes from the windy city tonight? He’s so serious. Tell me again why it’s a good idea to give a speech about loyalty straight out of the limo? Must be the side effects from the roids. Gimme a break. DB in the making.

Larry, 34, ER Doctor, Cali - WHAT.IS.UP with that Scraggler ‘stache? And those GOD.AWFUL dance moves. I can’t take him seriously. I’m almost embarrassed for him. Wow.

Nick R. - Brings his magic napkin rose and turns it into a rose. Ok, he has redeemed himself a little. That was a cool trick from an otherwise goon in a nice suit.

Zack K., 28, Book Publisher, Cali - Gotta love a guy who steps out of the limo in Chuck Taylor’s. Atta boy, cutie. Also gotta love a guy with a vocabulary. I’m all about this guy.

Diogo, 29, Ski Resort Manager, Lake Tahoe, CA - He claims he wants to be her knight in shining armor. My guess is he just ended his shift at Medieval Times and had no time to change. Didn’t he get the memo that clothing is optional tonight? Awkward. Judging by the reaction of the other guys, someone shared my opinion.

Chris, 27, Mortgage Broker, Seattle - Lots of pluses in his bio, but a little lacking in the handsome department. But on bended knee he asks if he can tie his shoe. I am thankful for that ice breaker. And I dig his purple socks. I like him.

Mike R. - 28, Dental Student, Dallas - I am saddened for the great state of Texas that THIS guy is repping them. A lab coat? Really, Mike? Dude. You are a STUDENT. Stop posing. There’s only ONE McSteamy son, and it ain’t you.

Robert - Tie removal? Huh? That was 50 shades of last season. Be original. Spin a sign or something. Ashley P. would be disappointed that you didn’t put that tie to good use. Still a good one, though.

Juan Pablo, 31, Former Pro Soccer Player, Miami - Such a sexy accent. And Hispanics are beautiful people. Our Juan Pablo is no exception. I am just worried that there will be a distinct cultural divide between the sexy Latino and the lily white Bridal Stylist. We shall see.

Brandon - Toned down the hair gel. Cool. Rides in on a bike. Super cool. He made a good impression on her, as well.

Brian, 29, Financial Advisor, Baltimore - Shows up in jeans, which might have been cool if he wouldn’t have used that as his springboard for letting her know he wears suits every day... with, I assume, the intention of making himself sound important. News flash: anyone can wear a suit but it takes someone special to wear class.

Micah, 32, Law Student, Denver - Oh dear mother of all things hideous. What is this guy thinking? What a polyester nightmare.

Nick M., 27, Investment Advisor, Charlotte - He is a “poet” with some “sweet rhymes” who also has a conversation piece on his right cheek. Sorry, Nick, I’m not a fan. Writing a poem for a woman is so cliche I feel like gagging.

Dan, 30, Beverage Sales Director aka beer guy, Las Vegas - A man of few words. But he has good hair.

Ben, 28, Entrepreneur, Dallas - Sooo... there’s the student posing as McSteamy, the shirtless wonder, this guy, and Brody the tiny studmuffin representing the great state of Texas. The Lone Star State should thank Brody for giving them something to be proud of. As for Daddy, he is laying it on pretty thick, down to the scripting of every element of that introduction. I personally prefer authenticity over cheese. Grandma made sure to hop out of the limo for a little airtime. Who are these people? I’m not impressed.
Chris lets Des know that the roses are fair game. She can distribute them how she pleases. Kasey is pumped that he could potentially get one. Hashtag he wants a rose, yo. I must say, thus far I am now more impressed with this group than I was based on bios alone. Some are cuter in person than in their bio pic. And then there’s Will. Ok ok, I won’t be mean. Nick R. has a trick up his sleeve, pun intended. He is quite amusing. Plus he made a white rose appear. Not to mention the sharp suit he designed and the sweet socks he’s sporting. Why can’t I get on board with him, then? Who knows. But I just can’t.

Brandon chats with her and immediately mentioned his Mom’s sobriety. Something that should definitely be commended but is it a good conversation opener? Probably not when the gifted coin is a segue into disclosing to Des that she was a tales flip away from missing out on his company. Hmm. Life decisions on the toss of a coin? Brandon. Buddy. Don’t tell her that. But I forgive him because I think I like him. A lot.

Next she is burdened with a sit-down with bad hair Brooks. Then it’s just dude after dude... until Ben steals her away to lay it on even thicker with some uncanny coincidences. You like to hunt? I like to hunt. You like roadtrips? I like roadtrips. You are cheesy and bogus? Well, y’all get the point. And on top of it all, he tells her that he is “best friends” with Brody’s Mom. Red flag. A grown man is never just “best friends” with a woman. Stay away, Des. Stay far, far away. ORRRR give him the first impression rose. Whatever.

Zak W. states that he needs to let her know he is 100% serious about this. My advice = put on a flippin shirt. Or you could just strip down even further and jump in the pool. Best line of the night = “hashtag shrinkage”. Nice. But it got him a rose, so props to you, naked cowboy.

She moves on to our Veteran. God bless this man. He loves his dog. He loves his country. He is a very interesting man with a strong jawline. His story of the little Iraqi boy who translated and who he talked to on a regular basis... be still my heart. I was literally talking to the TV telling Des to give him a rose. Glad she listened.

Juan Pablo gets some time with her to charm her. Not that he has to try very hard. Mommy likey da soccer stud. He does get a little sexier with every word that exits his mouth.

Drew finally gets his moment with her. He is so very nervous and can’t even look her in the eye. I do heart Drew. He gets his rose. Larry turns on the cheese to apologize about the dip gone bad. It didn’t appear he redeemed himself, but instead made things worse. He is so bizarre. I think he may have lit up a fattie before he got in the limo earlier. No early rose for him. But the opposite is true for Nick M. The weirdo, Jonathan, gets even weirder. He wants to kiss her on the mouth - his words, not mine. He tries to redeem himself from the fantasy suite debacle. He shoots himself in the foot by coming on too strong yet again. It is painfully obvious that he spends his time trying to get girls in the sack. Des did NOT fall for it. You go girl. And I do believe I have seen a first. How often does a contestant get walked out on in the night one conversation zone? Yikes. Dude. Get out. Oh well, at least his Mom tells him he’s handsome. Keepin’ it classy, bro. And she moves on. Just as Des is giving Michael a rose, in comes fantasy suite dude...again. He’s trying one more time to drag her to his place of romance. Is he drunk? Dumbest contestant ever. As Kasey says, #FantasySuiteFail. She gave him the boot. Again, you go girl!

Rose ceremony time. In order:

Brandon - Yay. I like this guy.
Zack K. - Double Yay!
Will - WHAAAA?!?!
Brooks - Hmmm.
Juan Pablo - No surprise there with this tasty dish.
Brad - Who? Oh yeah. Wishbone guy.
Kasey - Hashtag happy man.
James - Ugh. I guess it’s the loyalty rose.
Robert - Hashtag happy me.
Brian - I have nothing.
Dan - He has the beverage hookup... and nice hair.
Chris - Approve.
Final rose goes to Mikey. This guy over magic trick man? Disapprove.

We bid adieu to the following:
Larry - Good riddance, weirdo. Go home and practice your dipping.
Nick R. - He wasn’t “the one” but I think he could’ve provided entertainment. I liked his exit speech.
Diogo - Back to work, man. Don’t forget your Excalibur.
Mike R. - Thank goodness!
Micah - Fashion faux pas, man. Not smart.

Previews for the season. I like what I see. They will try and make us think there is a fight. But being the skeptical viewer I am, I rewound and watched in slow-mo. I’m not buying it. There is a smiling spectator watching this encounter go down. I am sensing lots of Ben drama. Not surprised. You know how I feel about this guy. I see a girlfriend. I see James turning out to be an even bigger DB than I anticipated. I see lots of sadness. I also see lots of happiness. I see too much of the hair guy. Right now, I honestly like so many guys that I can’t fully rank them yet. After week two, I will supply plenty of opinion about who my top picks are. For now, I can only say that I super heart Bryden, Drew and Zack K. But I single heart many more.

So there it is. Installment one. Installment two comes tomorrow. Installment three comes Tuesday.  Then I’m back on track. Thanks for staying loyal, my lovelies! Until next time.


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