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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Girls, Episode 1

Ok I have plenty of thoughts, praises, complaints, concerns, and other bits of overly opinionated sentiments. However, in hopes of keeping readers glued to this post I will keep it as brief as possible.

A new crop of 30 mildly desperate, love-starved women have hit the scene. As in the past, ABC execs have done a stellar job in finding quite a mix of fresh meat. We have the gorgeous, not-so-gorgeous, accomplished, aspiring, intelligent, interesting, insecure, confident, delusional, crazy, aggressive, narcissistic, curvaceous, and just about any other adjective you can conjure up. I have prematurely chosen my favorites... and of course the ones I hope to say sayonara to soon!

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

Ashley S: Despite being a part of the influx of nannies, she is definitely on my A-List. Her current status as a New Yorker coupled with her accent provide an oxymoron of sorts. Cute nonetheless in her own Kelly Pickler-ish way. Oh, and kudos Ash for the butt grab. Nice!

ROSE RECIPIENTS

Chantal O: First off, any girl willing to slap a Bachelor and claim it is “from every woman in America” might just own a cuckoo clock if you know what I mean. I must let dear Chantal know that I have zero urge to slap Brad or to send her to do my dirty work. She might just need to go back to her life in the lap of luxury manning her post as a professional daddy’s girl - I mean *clears throat* executive assistant to the head honcho of an extremely successful car dealership. NOT on my A-list.

Kimberly: Not much intriguing about Kim. You have to wonder about the girls who felt it necessary to grill the man they are so desperate to “marry” about something he did over 3 years ago. Notice I didn’t say something he did wrong. Excuse me, but it is a bigger mockery of relationships to propose on national television and then break up the day after the finale airs than it is to take the high road and choose neither. She is definitely not A-list.

Alli: Ahhh the lady in green. Wait - did I say lady? I’m not sure anyone possessing that title would stick her trunk full of junk in Brad’s face and ask him if he can handle it. Ugh! Not to mention the fact that she told him “America hates you.” Ok honey corral those ginormous knockers and that not-so-petite bum and tone it down. More like D-lister.

Meghan: Not a whole lot to say about Megs, except that I wonder which cereal box she got that Fashion Merchandising degree out of. Those shoes. Those big--pink--shoes.

Marissa: The sports publicist. Such a cool job for a chick who happens to be chasing a bona fide dude. BUT...the desperation in her opening line is a bit disturbing. Asking a man’s man if he is ok with being with a woman whose life revolves around sports serves as a rhetorical question. Ahhh but she knew that indeed. Clever? Maybe. Transparent? Without a doubt. That said, I like Miss Marissa. She narrlowly misses the A-list.

Lindsay: The first grade teacher from Texas. The only red head. That’s all.

Ashley H: The sweet dentist who likes to hug. One of the few women that sparked instant attraction from our handsome Bachelor. I can overlook her cheesy intro package where she promises a life of fun, romance and healthy gums. Both Ashleys have a place in my heart and on my A-list.

Raichel: A couple of things come to mind when thinking of this self-proclaimed manscaper - undercarriage and bat wings. Raichel, Raichel, Raichel right about now you are probably second guessing leading with your vast array of manscaper terminology. Somewhere in between A and D.

Madison: Ummm, what does one say about her. Are those things real? Yes that sentence could be referring to something else, but in this case I think we ALL know what things I am talking about. How? Why? What the heck? A fellow blogger said it best - fly your freak flag Madison. She has all of the ingredients of a hot mess and I would never want to see her end up with Brad, yet she is my guilty pleasure this season. Why? I’m not sure. Her fangs are entertaining. She uses them for good and I like it. So sue me.

Melissa: She gets the trophy. The desperate bulimic insecure least favorite skank trophy. She puts herself on the map by exiting the limo and running straight into his arms with an ungraceful leap. She then asks, “Am I too heavy for you?” Well Melissa of course you aren’t too heavy for him, you weight 82 pounds thanks to all of that purging you seem to have done in preparation for the show. WHAT were the ABC execs thinking with this one? This woman didn’t even climb to my D-list. Remind me not to eat where she waitresses. And remind me to contain my loathing.

Jackie: I have no real problem with Jackie. I’m not sure where she went to elementary school, but they apparently forgot to tell her that pinky swears aren’t cool after the 2nd grade. Please tell me that her song sounded better in her head. In the South, we disguise pity/disgust with the words bless her/his heart. Poor Jackie and her serenade. Bless her heart. In spite of it, she’s ok in my book.

Sarah P: The blonde with the creepy lingering eye contact. I’m not kidding, watch her. Awkward never-ending piercing eye contact. Seriously though, who forces a guy to get on one knee and propose just to prove he is capable of delivering a semantically empty phrase. She almost slips into D-list territory.

Shawntel N: The creepy, sleepy-eyed funeral director who has Brad’s post-demise residence planned already. She freaks me out just a little, but I sense a sweet person underneath. Almost A-list.

Stacey: She doesn’t have a stand out quality. I just like the fact that she was bold enough to tell Brad she didn’t know who he was. She was looking smokin’ hott in her black dress and I am intrigued by her. A-list.

Lisa M: Cavities, oh the cavities. She’s tooooo sweet. I won’t deny my love for The Wizard of Oz, but outside of costume related events, nobody but Judy Garland can rock the ruby slippers. Come on girl! I find Lisa cute & sweet, but mousy. I’m not sure there is a backbone in there. For that reason, she just missed the A-list.

Keltie: My childhood dream was to become a Rockette. How could I NOT like a Rockette?? She has that Tenley-ish sweetness quality which I love. Solid dress, but lose the feathers hanging from the ears. She’s precious and lands herself on my A-list.

Britt: I have affection for anyone who gives gifts of food. She made no huge impression on me, and if not for the bag of goodies I might not know who she was.

Michelle: Her picture might be beside the word sexy in the dictionary. I’m all about her confidence as a woman, but I’m a little suspicious of her claim that she is the only woman there. Although not quite Dumbo size, her ears a little larger than most. Still....A-lister!!

Emily, Emily, Emily: I can’t say enough. Never have I ever seen a more perfect bachelorette. As a matter of fact, if she doesn’t win (and I think she will) the show would be crazy not to cast her as the next Ali. Although there is only one Roberto. Sweet, gorgeous, dark, hunky Roberto...wait, what just happened? What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Emily. She is by far my favorite!

THE FOLLOWING RECEIVED NO ROSE, BUT EARNED HONORABLE MENTION

Britnee: Narcissistic delusional Britnee. The warning that the girls should’t mess with her, the come hither hand motion from the crack in the limo window, the bubble dress. Good riddance!

Jill: Why would ANYONE think that the words “I’m ready to get married” would reel in a guy 20 seconds after you’ve met him??

Lauren: A high school teacher. Hmm. Of?? Study hall? Meditation? Continuous blank stare = A+. Possessing 14 unexpressive facial expressions = A+. Originality of being the only one with ice water at a cocktail party = A+. Mrs. Lauren completes her stint at Humdrum Academy with a 4.0.

Rebecca: Yes, kissing frogs IS how you find a good man. Go with that.

J: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear... Janet/Jennifer/Julie/Jasmine/Jolene...or whatever that J stands for, happy birthday to you. Sorry you got thrown out of the birthday party ABC threw for you.

This season is shaping up to be an interesting one. I just hope Brad learns that it’s not acceptable to echo the same compliment to every woman... beautiful dress, beautiful dress, beautiful dress...

 

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