Insecurities & Black Eyes, Episode 4

FINALLY Brad gives a “real woman” a one-on-one. Only real women possess the ability to kick their own derrière in their sleep. Take notes girls - and I do mean “girls” - mysteriously waking up with a black eye gets the guy. That’s how it’s done! But we’ll get to that.

Chantal gets the first one-on-one this week. “How deep is your love” on Catalina Island. Of course she gets picked up in a chopper. Is there any other mode of transportation on this show? Once again, ABC nails the fear factor thing. Coincidentally, or not, Chantal ends up with a date involving being under the sea, which HAPPENS to be a huge fear of hers. Ok ok I guess I’m being catty. Facing fears makes for good TV. Best underwater moment was this conversation...

Chantal: Oh my gosh what is that big thing?

Brad: It’s just a little fish.

Pardon me for wondering if that was some kind of double entendre. I’ll behave now.

Moving on to the love oasis. A tent, candles, a beach bed, such romance. Except for the 14 cameras, a production crew and bright lights. I’m so glad she finally decided to apologize for that inappropriate slap on night one. I was a little bored by their “moment” on the bed just before he told her to accept the *@%# rose and to quit talking and kiss him. Way to go, Brad. She responded receptively to the whole Alpha male thing. I must say that the “thank you God for the rain” moment was sweet.

Michelle and her drama. What would this show be without her? Peaceful? Some of her interview one liners that amused me this week:

“Like only me, like who wakes up with a black eye?”

“I wanna know who kicked my @$* in my sleep?”

“I’m gonna have Brad kiss my eye and it WILL make it better!”

“If I don’t get a date this week, Brad might get his own black eye.”

Four reasons to start getting fitted for a straight jacket.

Ashley S brought the claws out this week. She wishes she was the one who gave Michelle her black eye. THAT I would like to see!

Daaa group date. The bright spot in this week’s group date - no Michelle. Ashley S, Stacey, Jackie, Lindsey, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa and Ashley H get to put their love on the line. I’m assuming the mimosas provided in the limo were to loosen them up to tell all to the love doctor. Clearly, Stacey was a partaker in the mimosa consumption. Maybe she was sizing up the competition. She was quick to raise her bartending hand when Dr. Drew asked who had cheated. Nail, meet coffin. What was she thinking?? Brads response? “It was all about being honest. That’s SOOO important to me.” So important, in fact, that a one way ticket back to the bar was his thank you gift to her.

The group date moves to Brad’s pad. Alli and that green bikini! Stacey showed her desperation to explain her confession by abruptly asking him to step away from the hot tub to talk. After an awkward pause and an thought bubble containing the words “cheater cheater cheater,” he follows.

Back at the main house, the date card arrives. Unfortunately, we all know who’s name was on it. My inner mean girl emerged as I made fun of Michelle’s insecurity with the issue of the name of the date...”Let’s hang out together.” No mention of love. Watching Chantal and Marissa giggle about that very thing made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

At Brad’s the race is still on for Brad’s attention. Ashley S apologetically steals him from Alli (while asking for a hug - weird!), Jackie steals him from Ash, Britt professes her crush on him and then lays the tongue to him, drunken Ashley H interrupts and threatens to take her white teeth and step back because it’s easier. They all end up back in the hot tub, Brad still in that hideous hoodie. Why? Hoodies and hot tubs. Makes no sense. Ah, but I digress.

Rose time. Brad begins his broken record pre-rose speech and drunken Ash begins spouting off over in the corner. Something about it being awkward, and something else between gulps of red wine and solo cup beer. No rose...oopsie. Good job, Otis. Run your mouth, lose the rose to sweet little Britt, who by the way has zero junk in her trunk. Surely I’m not the only one who caught that as she hopped out of the jacuzzi. Putting up my mean girl now. Britt was a very deserving recipient.

It’s finally time for Michelle’s long awaited date. Is it just me or was the black eye never explained? My thoughts - she somehow did it to herself. Maybe she poked her own eye to make it look black. After all, according to her, having a black eye makes her deserving of a date. Evil emerges before Brad leaves the house, woman in arm. I gotta admit, watching her seething with anger as Brad had a talk with Otis (as she fought hangover face to listen to him) made me smile a little. I’d have been mad too, but that’s beside the point. Props to Chantal for calling Michelle out about her attention getting stunt on group date #1. Who says, “Get me outta here!” Who says that? Then it cuts to her demonstrating the act of elbowing Ash in the face. Huh? I honestly don’t even want to devote a lot of time to this date because I found it BO-RING. Rappelling down the side of a skyscraper apparently is a sign a happy future awaits. Hmmm. Clear a padded cell because forcing a pinky swear that he’d never rappel with another woman puts her one step closer to certifiable! Yet one more scary interview clip shows Michelle once again claiming that no other “girl” back at the house can never compare to what she shares with Brad...BOOM!...followed up with something that can only be taken as gang signs. I’ll send her a matching bandana for her straight jacket. I’m just so so tired of her interrogation style, matter-of-fact, way of speaking to him. The bright spot in the date? One hour and eleven minutes into the show, he dives in the pool and then finally! You know what happened next. The shirt came off. Pecs. Glorious pecs.

Next came Dr. Jamie. Blah blah blahbitty blah. And that was it.

The cocktail party was a little awkward for the most part. In all fairness though it was more of a bunch of women - or one woman and a bunch of girls - creeping while Emily received a makeshift one-on-one. Shawntel counted to three and jumped in his arms, Meghan talked about having a wall up, and Chantal has a meltdown because she didn’t get a pic-a-nic basket Booboo. Said picnic was marvelous! And who else noticed Em was rockin’ a pair of stunning Louboutins?!?!

The rose ceremony lacked drama, and so did the exit interviews. Megs and Stacey parted with grace. Lindsey, the girl nobody ever even knew, showed us how to cry with expression only, no tears. Odd.

I’m disturbed at next week’s previews. Vegas baby! A city near and dear to my heart. I’m pumped! However, I don’t look forward to witnessing ABC’s cruelty at work. Sticking Em at a speedway? Really? I do look forward to watching Shawntel shop. I wonder how many black dresses our little funeral director will buy.

Until next week...