The Tears, Episode 3

What to say, what to say about this episode. Uneventful...there’s a word. One question - if these girls didn’t know the Bachelor would be Brad, how is it they all have daddy issues they want to talk to him about? Brad. The man who’s MO is daddy issues. Subtle, girls. Real subtle.

Let’s start with the first one-on-one. Three words come to mind - make it stop! Seal rocks my world...I just hope he has recovered from that butchering of his perfectly beautiful song. My ears have finally stopped bleeding. That said, the date actually looked fun...ish. Who wouldn’t want to be serenaded by Seal himself!

Group dates are always entertaining. Especially when they involve Brad’s bare torso. I believe this season is three-for-three on exposure! Thank you ABC. When it doubt, make Brad take his shirt off. You can always count on someone to spice things up! Our birthday girl - no birthday WOMAN - from last week is a little too predictable. After many proclamations that she is the only woman in the house, she slipped up by telling us she did not want to go on a date with all of the other “women”...did I hear her right? Has she finally come to terms with the fact that she isn’t the only person in the house over 17?  Maybe, but she made sure to say - on camera - that she hates the other women. She’s not gonna lie. She hates them. I’m thinking no Christmas cards will be sent?? So she is tired of spending her dates with other women. Has she seen the show? It’s the Bachelor, Michelle. The show where one man dates several women at the same time. In the open. It’s public knowledge. Sharing a passion for Starbucks isn’t exactly a path to the altar. As a stunt woman, Shawntel looked like she wanted to kill somebody. I guess business is down. This group date could’ve been more exciting. Alli - Michelle - an interrupted conversation about sexual chemistry - creepy finger tapping ... you’d think those were the ingredients for the perfect storm. Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight! But noooo. Thanks for nothing, Alli! Instead we got to watch an uncomfortable, awkward, kiss (that didn’t score the date rose, mind you). But at least the only “woman” on the show got her kiss. Sensual. Sexy. Slippery. Kiss. But Shawntel got the rose. YES! Brad is slowly securing his spot in a mausoleum somewhere in Chico, CA.

Emily. Beautiful, courageous, soft, warm, vulnerable, motherly Emily. If ever there were a perfect specimen, it’s Emily. Who doesn’t love this woman? I could reach through the TV and hug her. There just are no words. How can I, a perfect stranger, sit in my living room and sob for her story as she sits telling it keeping perfectly composed? Admirable strength. Of course she gets the rose! Of course! If she isn’t standing with a ring on her finger on the last episode, call me astounded.

Cocktail parties...where the claws come out. The first set of claws revealed in this episode? None other than our own obsessed “woman.” Her timing seriously could NOT be worse. Ok, in keeping with the format of the show, mini one-on-one’s are meant to be interrupted. But in keeping with human decency, womanly Michelle could pick her timing more wisely. But then again, I guess there is a sense of urgency when you need to corner your pretend boyfriend to have a pretend first fight about his pretend infidelity. I get it. And oh my, if my pretend boyfriend had kissed two girls with such similar names as Shawntel and Chantal, I’d make him explain himself too! You go girl, you twisted little sick puppy! Have any past stalking victims come forward yet?

I must say, disappointment has landed. The girl with the big fangs has an even bigger heart. I may be her only fan, but a fan nonetheless. Yes, I’ll miss her. Don’t judge me. Sarah also went home. Sarah? Who’s Sarah? Oh yeah. The girl with the mascara dribbling down her face. Kimberly gets the “most bitter exit” trophy. Or is it the “girl Brad is most intimidated by” trophy? SHE could turn around tomorrow and start dating somebody else. Hmmm is that meant to make the other girls jealous? The girls left standing in the house... that could just as easily get a date tomorrow. Ok, Kimmy if THAT is what you want to go out saying, more power to you. Brad is intimidated why, again? Because your talented? Smart? Successful? Some guys find you attractive? Or is it because you drop unwarranted F bombs when you get tossed aside? Yeah that’s it. After hiding her insecurities behind eye-rolling fury in her exit interview, she and her rage crawl into a taxi, humiliated by the print of a perfectly polished loafer on her backside. She carefully wipes the tears away with the peacock feathers hanging from her ears. Bingo Kim...his loss.

Tune in next week for insecurities, creepers, cat claws, backstabbing, Loveline: Cheaters Revealed and a black eye thrown in for good measure!


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