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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Finale

It's finally here. The night we've been waiting for. In the words of Chris Harrison, "the most controversial finale in Bachelor history." For the first time all season, I didn't fast forward through the previews for the night's episode. I am relishing every minute of this last one of the season. The last bit of Monday night entertainment on ABC (my apologies to DWTS) until Emily graces our screens in May.

Before I begin, I must say that my blogging doesn't end with this finale. Yes I will pick back up this topic with Emily's upcoming season. Until then, you should know that I blog at random in addition to my Bachelor blogging. I typically post one to three times a week. Come back and see me! I take topic requests ;)

On with the drama.

Ben reminisces about his two finalists as he explores his chalet to this year's anthem courtesy of David Gray. One last time.

Actual lyrics: This year's love, had better last
My version: Courtney's love, will never last

Ben's Mom and sister arrive in their black & brown themed clothing. Apparently, the Flajniks missed the memo about the color wheel being socially acceptable in a wardrobe. So anyway, the triple-drabs jump into conversation about the final two women - the one that rode in on the horse and...the other one. Sis calls Ben's attention to Courtney's red flags. Ben remains the only person on the face of the Earth that does not see those flags.

Day one goes to Lindzi. She meets the ladies in Ben's life and nerves get the best of her. Fork in lap. Fork on floor. Brightly colored clothing suggestion. Well maybe not that last one, but it sounded good in my head. Lindzi sits down with mommy dearest. Barbara has a few questions for our little horse jockey, but nothing too deep. Sister Julia delves in just a little deeper. She then jumps into a discussion about Courtney. Lindzi remains diplomatic and polite as not to bad-mouth Courtney. Sweet Kacie would've let out her two cents on the issue, that's for sure. I miss her. But Lindzi knows that this Bachelor is too big a moron to allow anyone to badmouth the skinny dipping trollop. Sis gives Lindz her stamp of approval.

It's Courtney's turn up to bat with Mom and sis. I'm hoping for a crash and burn. Before they go inside, Courtlip has to get a little reassurance that he still likes her a little bit. Who asks that? Really. Who? All that was missing was a check yes or no letter. When our small time not-so-super-model begins her D of the mouth, she finds a way to point out that the other girls in the house were "judgy" (her word, not mine) and didn't like her. Well I wonder why, genius! Outside for a bit of chitty chat. Sis grills her a little but Courtlip heads that off at the pass with a load of kaka a mile high. I literally almost caught a whiff of the stinch. Grab your waders, Julez...you're gonna need them with this one.

Date time with Lindzi. Appropriately, he picks her up in a horse-drawn carriage for a stroll through town. Ben then transforms her into a ski bunny. The gondola stops high up in the Swiss Alps with the Matterhorn in the background. Some conversation takes place which totally loses me. So far this date is like a dose of Tylenol PM.

Night falls and Ben shows up at her place. They take to the love seat for some more conversation that completely bored me. Am I over Ben? Am I over Lindzi? Am I over this whole season? Yeah that's it. This episode bores me so much that I wonder if I must be over the whole show itself. Almost, but not quite. But I am definitely over this season. Oh, and yes I'm over Ben too. I'm finding it harder and harder to take him seriously the longer his hair gets. There's a fine line between Bieber and Kid Rock....and Ben has clearly begun his journey down the lonely road of faith with that stringy mess.

Courtney gets her final date. They hop in a chopper (shocked) to fly above the Matterhorn before having a picnic in the snow. I love picnics and I love snow, but something about the two together just doesn't make sense. And two other words that don't mix...Courtney and angel. Even if it IS a snow angel. Just feels wrong to use Courtlip and angel in the same sentence. How about our "happy couple" riding that tiny sled down the hill toward that pond. Who else was rooting for the brakes to give so Courtlip would cry about cold wet hair? Can I get a what what.

Ben makes his way to room 415, Courtney's humble aboad as she called it. Betcha five hundred bucks she had to look that up in the dictionary. By the way, did anyone else notice how knock-kneed she is? Anyhoo. C wrote a letter to B...AND she read it aloud. Pretty sure she was waiting on a gold star and a Jagerbomb. After that they retire to the couch for some tense convo. Would've been much more interesting if it'd went something like this.

C: I was always having to defend myself to these bleeps. That was bad enough but then your stupid mom and judgmental sister brought it up.
Ben: I know you are but what am I. Don't talk about my girls like that, hooka. You're the one who acted like the bleep. I mean, oh em gee.
C: This makes me sad that you question me.
Ben: It's a big decision and I trust the opinions of my mom and sister, so have a Coke and a smile and...
C: Watch the language, mister.
Ben: Mea culpa. You just bring out my bad boy side. Can't you tell by my greasy Kid Rock hair.
C: That's what I like about you, Bennyboo. You are hardcore. Get some barb wire ink on your bicep and we be cool. Wait. What does mea culpa mean?
Ben: Yeah I'm pretty badbleep like that. I'm not afraid to tat up, plus I know big words. Did you see that lighting when you were making your angel? Angel. Hmph
C: Dude. Seriously. Who do you think I am. Blakeley? Now SHE was a stripper.
Ben: Why didn't anyone tell me this? Excuse me while I go talk to Chris about something.
C: Will you see if he knows why Jesse Metcalf only went on one date with me? After all, he did check yes.

Flashback time. I'm not sure I can even watch without cringing. I have a sick feeling this isn't going to end the way I want it to. At this point, I just want it to end. I'd like to thank wardrobe for not warning Courtney that a JCPenney nightie and gray grandpa socks would make her look like a total douche. Visual of the night, folks! She's sexy and she knows it.


She works out. Moving on.

As I try to get past our "model's" new look, the jeweler arrives. He opens up his Deal Or No Deal case to reveal several really beautiful rings. The hair plug version of Howie Mandel takes his case and leaves. Ben gets dressed. The girls get dressed. Everyone heads off to a  mountain top. Anticipation mounts. The first one out of the chopper....

Lindzi. Immediately, her fate is evident. After all, the first one up gets the crappy end of the deal, right?! He tells her he fell in love with her...just before he says he's now in love with someone else. Pretty sure that someone else is his reflection, but whatever. It would've been really sweet if Lindzi would've said, "Don't sugar coat this. Nothing ends unless it ends bad, you douche bag! See you in Dumpsville once that crazy [insert garden tool reference here] is finished with you." Props to our girl Lindzi for having the most graceful exit ever.

Next up, Courtney in her cat woman gloves. Yada yada yada blah blah blah boogity boogity boogity, will you marry me. Gag hurl bleck puke. What a tool.

Seemed like a high school production of some obsessive love story with no happy ending in sight. Throw in a boiling bunny and that's more accurate. Four words...they-deserve-each-other. Three more words...it-won't-last. That's all I have regarding this decision.

I'm so distraught and angry that I'll just move on to After The Final Rose. 

The new and not at all improved Ben takes the stage with his out of control locks, sporting some REdiculous facial hair. He announces that they had broken up after the show began airing because of the pressure of the press etc. That's code for "I finally grew a brain...and a set." For Pete's sake, true love could survive anything. TRUE love, that is.

Crazycourtlip takes the stage to quite a few boos. What I wouldn't give to have been in that audience with a sling shot and a wilted rose. I must say I found it very gratifying to hear her say he dumped her and abandoned her and didn't even send her flowers on Valentine's Day. Score, baby. Chris asks if they are still together. She initially says yes they are together. Then an I think so. Then she doesn't know. Then tears. Oh boy. Soooooo NOT feeling sorry for her. Get over it.

The unhappy couple takes the couch together. Ben claims they are still engaged. Hmmm. Ten minutes after she told us she didn't know what was up with their relationship. Nice try, Ben. Then he proceeds to call her a "no drama person." I almost choked on my own windpipe! They then claim to communicate really well. Says the girl who just admitted not knowing where they stand. Says the guy who ignored her on Valentine's Day. Why must this idiot sit and scramble to say words that are going to bite him in the derrière?

There's no point in rehashing every moment of this excruciating ATFR. He can put that ring on her finger all he wants. He can claim they'll get married all he wants. But in the end, we all know it'll never last. Karma's a Courtney, baby.

My final words for this season are exactly the same as my final words of Ashley's season, and the complete opposite of my first words of this season. In the course of 10 weeks he has went from rockstar status to something quite different. My final thoughts on Ben -

WORST.BACHELOR.EVER

My final thoughts on Courtney -

BIGGEST.LOSER.EVER
PS - That tasted fantastic coming out of my mouth!

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