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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Women Tell All

Yes ma'am! The night I've been waiting for! The Women Tell All. Let the fur fly, baby! Bring it on. Chris begins the show by announcing that this has been one of the most dramatic and controversial seasons ever. Pretty sure he says that every season, but let's play along anyway. He also lets the crowd know Courtney will be there. You could just hear a collective sigh from the anxious audience.

But first a look at the Bachelor Pad hopefuls. Can't figure out why they led with the most pathetic Bachelor Pad contestant ever. Erica. The incoherent, overly busty, annoying one who should've learned her lesson about mixing with the Bachelor/ette crowd. And Ed. How did I NOT know he and Jillian broke up?! Oh well. And how did Ryan P end up in the mix. Zzzzzz. The one I DID hear about was the Ali-Roberto breakup. Ali Ali Ali. What on Earth would ever cause a woman let go of a smoldering hottie like Roberto. Honestly people. He is a serious hunk. That hair. That skin. Those eyes. [cough cough] Excuse me. He does it to me every time. What can I say...it's been a while since I've talked about him. I lost my composure. So sue me. This year's BP should be grrrrreat!

First we see the lineup of this season's girls. Obviously they aren't all there, but the good ones are...and so are the bad ones. A few flashbacks grace the jumbotron. The big hat. The granny. The costumes. The hooker references. Guilty. The insecurity. The unexpected exit. The aWWWWWWkward lap dance followed by the weirdest kiss in history. The skinny dipping. Excuse me while I gag a little. Winning. Kill shot. Oh the loveliness of Courtney.


After the clips ended, Chris begins the night opening fire on Blakeley. Once upon a time I disliked her but as you may remember, by the time she left I had developed some positive feelings for her. She starts explaining herself and is almost immediately interrupted by the weird nose with great shoes. I literally told her to shut up. Then Sammy Sash chimes in with her high pitched rantings about how Blakeley showed her bleeps and then bleep bleeped Ben in the pool and how she is a bully and whaaaa whaaaa whaaaa. I think this girl talks just to hear her own voice! Thank you to Jamie for coming to Blakeley's defense.


Finally we move on. We get to hear from granny's girl. She admits she had no attraction toward Ben. And miss snippity sash begins again. Granny's girl says she is happy with her decision to go home because her time would be better spent elsewhere, and the date belonged to a girl more interested in Ben. And again, Samantha. Accusing her of all sorts of nonsense. Britt calls her a chihuahua. Bahahaha. Perfect animal reference. I actually can envision her nipping at heels and yapping around the house jumping from furniture piece to furniture piece.


Who's up next? Shawntel. She gets some forced applause but not exactly a warm welcome from the gals. I totally get that. As flashbacks roll along, we are reminded of the harsh things some of the girls said about our good ole mortician. If she wanted approval she should've given them a vein drain tutorial or something really cool like that. With a few comments from the girls, things don't really get any better. Of course I may have missed something since I was a bit distracted by Emily's dress...or lack thereof. Talk about bringing the ladies out to play. Holy fun bags, mama!


Speaking of knock knock knockers, she gets her turn in the spotlight. We relive the whole ugly thing. The Courtney drama comes screaming back. Emily makes a good point in saying she wouldn't want to end up with somebody who would fall for Courtney's bull. She gets another jab or two in before her time on the couch ends. My guess is every girl in the room is counting their blessings that they didn't end up with Ben. I know I would be.


Sweet Nicki is up next. All that segment did was make me feel sorry for her all over again. She really did love him. But I doubt she has a hard time finding Ben's replacement. 


My poor Kacie has to rehash her heartbreak next. I'm surprised I didn't shed a tear. Fell in love with her all over again, watch her heart break into pieces all over again. Stupid Ben. Kacie talks about the fact that she just wanted answers. She was being told one thing, but actions said another. She wanted the why of it all. I-TOTALLY-GET-THAT!!!! If he didn't plan to keep her he shouldn't have made her believe she was the one. She's better off without him anyway. The right match is out there waiting for her, I feel very confident of that!


Time to talk about the drama. Controversy in the form of a "model" from Santa Monica. Yes, I'm talking about weird lip Courtney. Some of the descriptives used about her:


black widow
vindictive
manipulative
phony
unattractive
selfish
b****y
cold
callous
ugly heart
vapid
liar
not nice
hurtful


I'd say those are some of the nicer things said about her, actually. I know they are nice compared to what I've personally said about her. But that is fodder for another time and place. Immediately the girls jump into why they all loathe the black widow. And as expected, Casey jumps to her defense with some bs about Courtney being sweet and sincere. Those are three words I never thought I'd hear in the same sentence. Delusional much?


Of course ABC is going to give Courtney her time in the hot seat. Ratings are important, you know. I was hoping to go a week without having to look at her lip, I mean face, or hear her voice.  But much to my dismay, she appears. Bring it on girls. Lets give her some of what she dished out all season! They put a little pressure on her and she just puts on this "you are right" persona. Oh gee whiz. Who does she think she's fooling. She is everything she's been accused of and more. Emily dishes on her and she appears to crack under pressure. That's just the show she puts on because of her insecure, b***y nature. The other girls begin to voice their feelings of disdain for her behavior, and she pulls out the Visine-induced tears. As bad as I hate the thought of it, I feel certain that there are a few people watching who actually fall for her crap. But c'mon! She didn't make one or 2 rude comments...she spent the ENTIRE season being mean, ugly, rude & just plain old despicable to these girls. That's a character flaw, NOT a little slip of the tongue. I'm over this too-little-too-late emotion. She may actually regret her actions but only because it has ruined her image, not because she has genuine remorse. One word. WINNING.


After Courtney's exit, Ben takes the stage. His first words..."welcome to my nightmare." Hmm. That pretty well speaks volumes. Nightmare? Nice word, douche. He got some criticism and some questions. He also got some ego stroking courtesy of Jamie. Although I'm pretty sure she shot herself in the foot already with that awkward dance and scripted kiss. I must say I rather enjoyed the blooper reel, but Ben offered no closure to anyone. No big surprise there, though.


Scenes from the finale. Nothing is given away except a bit of drama with Courtney one last time. And also Chris' claim that this will be the most controversial season finale ever. We shall see. After Brad's stunt and Jason's drama, how in the world can THIS be more controversial? I can't wait to find out!


PS - Thank you ABC for that final scene where Jenna gets a little spotlight. So funny that Monica offered her a feminine hygiene product to make amends. "Will you accept this tampon?" I love this show. Until next week, Bachelor fans! I leave you with the nastiest person to ever be cast on The Bachelor, and a couple of tears she worked really hard to muster up with the help of her trusty Visine bottle. Props, crazy Courtney.



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