Walk Of Shame...Not So Much
First off, I must apologize for the undue delay in getting this recap up. I must say - it is very rewarding and flattering for people to show their anticipation of my blog! Thank you to those who have expressed their interest in seeing this recap. The past week has been an unusually busy one. Due to having a ton on my plate, procrastination has been my middle name on a number of things, including (unfortunately) this post. But alas, here goes.
We travel on to the beautiful island of Curacao. It is the week of the overnights. The week many wait for. The week of the bow chicka wow wow. Ahhh but not this season. It was more like bow chicka no no.
First up, Sean. Dressed in his salmon shorts, navy v-neck tee, and color-coordinated Toms. Who needs a luxury brand consultant when we have this guy. Sean and Ems get their own private island. A little barren, but a private island nonetheless. Emily engages Sean in conversation about past relationships. Apparently he stayed in a 3-year relationship with a "friend." Probably more like a FWB type of situation, but I'm thinking he's not going to disclose that piece of scandalous information to Ems. When conversation grows stale, they disrobe down to their swimsuits to frolic in the waves and maybe even snorkel a little bit. Seriously, why can't we ALL look like that in a bikini. Tear tear.
Evening falls on a secluded spot on the beach with candle light and some colorful throw pillows. It's nice to see Sean shed the Toms for a stylish pair of canvas lace ups. He busts out with a letter. It seems to be the theme this season. Although Jef is the only one who did it in style. My guess is Jef mentioned his letter to the other guys, and Sean's competitive juices began flowing. He ran to the nearest Hallmark store to find a card to swipe some verse from. Hence, this letter. Maybe it was a genuine gesture. It's just hard for me to take it seriously considering it falls on the heels of Jef's letter. I'll tell you what I DON'T think was a genuine gesture...and that is Sean's profession of love. Stumbling over words, looking uncomfortable, shifty eyes, lip-licking, saying anything except "those three words" in the order they're meant to be said. I don't mean this as a Sean bashing. I really don't. He's just low man on my totem pole.
Annndddd the moment Sean has been waiting for. The fantasy suite card with key. Stumble over his words no more, people! That man becomes quite articulate when it comes to the thought of making magic. Shaaa-wingggg. Except...wait. That's not a fantasy suite. That's her suite. Immediately, I'm thinking no action will take place there tonight. Especially since he climbs in the hot tub wearing the same pair of sweaty swim trunks he wore earlier in the day. So as anticipated, he does not spend the night. Bow chicka wow whooooaaaaa. She tells him that a couple more hours together is not going to change the way she already feels for him. Code for: pack your bags, eyebrows... your outta here. Back the libido truck up, mister. Put it up and head on back to your own place.
Date number two - Jef. Jef shows up in his boxers, or swim trunks, or whatever. Doesn't matter. I approve. Although he doesn't quite rock them like Ed rocked the green mini trunks. So Ems takes Jef for a cruise on a really amazing boat. They just seem to fit. He is a good guy. A really good guy. And apparently well-equipped with stellar balance. Who else can stand up on a surfboard and paddle his love to shore? Nice. If he will just turn up the romance, he'll be the full package.
He doesn't get accent pillows on the beach, but it is definitely a nice dinner table with a romantic setting. Conversation was good. Nothing too noteworthy, just extremely pleasant. Her dress was STUN-NING! Time for the fantasy suite card. He very politely declined. But together they decided to spend some QT together in the suite for a little while. And now she hears those three little words. Full throttle, no hesitation. He lays it out there. Ems delivers the same speech she gave Sean... the “I don’t think a couple hours is going to change anything” speech. Code for: you’re in like Flynn.
Last but not least, Arie. He shows up in some trunks oddly resembling Sean’s. The themes this season are abundant. Arie gets a boat ride, too. And another lengthy makeout sesh. And swimming with dolphins. Jeez, what fun! Yes, I’m super jelly! It doesn’t take a genius to grasp the intensity of their attraction to one another. But how much deeper does it go? If you could throw together the physical chemistry with Arie, and the....everything else with Jef, she would have her perfect man. Giving credit where credit is due, though - Arie is a great guy. A great guy with an eccentric and hard-to-read family. But a great guy in spite of it.
A dinner table awaits. Who else noticed it was the same tablescape as Jef’s dinner table? Ems, Ems, Ems. Make the set crew be original, girlfriend. I must mention a comment that stands out to me. When she asked what he does on a Tuesday morning, he began speaking about everyday life and stated that he wanted to watch her make breakfast. Watch? I’m wondering why he didn’t say he wanted to make breakfast for her. I suppose I’m unfairly judging though, based on my wonderful hubby. He sets the bar pretty high. I’ll back off. I still do heart Arie, make no mistake about that. And in another unprecedented move, she does not hand over the fantasy suite card. Does she know she’s picking Jef, so she doesn’t want to tempt herself into doing something she’ll regret with Arie? Does she know she’s picking Arie, so she wants their first romantic tryst to be without cameras? Who knows why she didn’t take the opportunity for more snuggle time with Arie. Based on their history, I’m a little shocked. I figured she’d skip dinner and go straight to that fantasy suite. But not this girl. She calls it a night.
Decision time arrives. Ems seems to be struggling with what to do at this rose ceremony. The video sentiments did not make it any easier. But in the end, there are only two roses to deliver.
First one goes to Jef.
I am so pleased with this final two that I really don’t have a strong opinion one way or the other. I have been team Arie for so long, but Jef has steadily climbed the ladder each week.
Ems walks Sean down the alley toward his ride out of Curacao. And toward the loud birds, car horns, and barking dogs echoing in the background. After a long silence, she begins to sob and apologize. He makes a very graceful and oh-so-heartbreaking exit, and Emily sits back down while continuing to spasm-cry. Peculiar.
After some reminders of this season’s endless supply of douchebaggery, I am pumped about The Men Tell All episode. There is bound to be drama! Will Kalon act like the same pompous *** he did this entire season, or will he come on with some fake apologies to save his image? How many times will Ryan say yeah girl? Will Chris be so bold as to insinuate that Emily did the female population a favor by putting him back on the market? Has Travis replaced Shelly with a new egg? Those questions and many more shall be answered in a sure to be dramatic TMTA! See you there, friends!
Closing remarks - The Bachelor Pad is going to rock. I hope Kalon gets what’s coming to him in the BP house. How the bleep did Erica Rose get recast? Could I BEEEE more excited that Reid joins this season? Didn’t we get enough of Stagliano last time? Will Ed bring his green shortie shorts? Will Jamie talk about her awkward kiss with Bennyboo? If Tony missed his son so badly, what is he doing on THIS show?? I miss Roberto.