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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Finale, All That Glitters


Hello again, readers. Long time no post, huh?! I issue to you my most heartfelt apologies. I could run down the list of things that have kept me from writing this blog the past two weeks but in the grand scheme of things, I have simply dropped the ball. But on this, the second anniversary of life without Bachelor, I present to you my Bachelor Finale recap. Enjoy.

Of the eight people watching at my house, five had heard the spoilers and already knew the winner. Reality Steve, find a new hobby...loser. The three of us still in the dark all voted that Catherine would win. Even though that’s who I felt was going to win, I later realized I was secretly rooting for Lindsay.

Chiang Rai, Thailand. Or is it supposed to be Chiang Lai? Who knows. I watch too much Ralphie at Christmas time. Sean hoists his rolling luggage up the steps at Pa Sak Tong. Sak? Tong? I’m gonna leave that one alone. As he reflects upon his affections for two women, he awaits the arrival of his family: the sweet niece and nephew, the judgmental Mom, the colorful sister, the closeted Dad, and easy-on-the-eyes brother in law. The family sits with Uncle Seanny to help him “pick out a girl” while the wee ones heckle his rejection at the hands of Ems. Good one, rugrats.

Just for a minute, forgive me while I digress. Anyone else see the irony in creepy flesh-colored eyebrows guy having a Mom with eerily dark eyebrows? No? Ok.

So Catherine (our Winnie Cooper lookalike...thank you watch party Lindsey for that observation) comes in and meets the family. Kenzie gives her a hug and whispers “Emily dumped Uncle Seanny.” At the lunch table, sister (whom I can only assume is a former United Colors of Benetton window model) extends her chunky pink bracelet for a toast. Winnie discloses her 6th grade football experience where she played but was the only female. Dad uttered something along the lines of you go girl. Sister Benetton wants to know Cat’s most surprising part of the whole experience. She is very generic in her response, which bodes well for her since this family seems to thrive on anything that resembles Lowe worship. Her talk with Mom is much the same. Sean is the greatest, he likes my nose crinkle, I wanna marry him, blah blah blah. More of the same with Dad... well, with the addition of tears. He cried. Yes, that happened. He escorts her back up the stairs in his Miss Me jeans and tightly tucked blue polo. Seanny tucks his damsel into a silver stalker van and doesn’t want to send her off, leaning in for more kisses.

Lindsay arrives in the same silver van, all decked out in her navy blue dress which clearly came from Justice. Don’t bend over, girlfriend. Shay dug down deep in her Bennetton wardrobe for her green/peach/salmon attire. She has no shortage of shorty shorts. When asked if there are monkeys in Missouri, Lindsay points out that she is the only one, as she - and she alone - baby giggles her way to a change of subject. Dad pulls her aside for some small talk. She overlooks his hot pink undershirt when she catches a glimpse of his purple thong peeking out the back of his blue jeans. But that doesn’t deter conversation. Dad asks a question, which I now realize was a prelude to her fate, regarding how she would handle it if she were in a one-sided relationship. She gives a canned answer about meeting in the middle, he jokingly insults his wife, they fake giggle, and he gets emotional once again. Geez, Louise. I have a sneaking suspicion he keeps Kleenex in business. Seanny puts her back in the van, but uh oh. This time she is the one trying to hang on instead of him. Critiquing in retrospect makes little things like that more noticeable.

Seanny wants advice from the family. Handsome bro in law informs Sean of the 48 hours looming before him, and advises him to speak his peace to the women. Sherry takes Seanny to lily pad lake in her unflattering white capri pants. Did I see the outline of a Depends undergarment? She urges him not to propose to either one. He quickly snaps that she has only known them both 20 minutes and he only wants her support. She bursts into tears. Something tells me this is a woman not liking the idea of relinquishing control of her baby. I smell Mama’s boy. But at least he made it clear he is in charge of his own life. Kudos, Seanny. He pulls her aside for a talk to get her off camera. Did he forget about the mics, though? Sherry makes another attempt at encouraging him not to choose either. Wowzers. Grow some, Sean. Control her.

As our Bachelor makes his way up a pig trail in his favorite shorts and Swatch watch, here comes Lindsay with her neutral gray tank and barely there pink shorts. He whisks her away on a bamboo raft floating along the Black Mekong River. Sipping champy on a muddy river. Mmmm, yes. My idea of a great last date. But she isn’t bothered. It doesn’t stop her from climbing all over him. But then again, what does. Five foot one Lindsay baby talks those three little words. Of course, there isn’t any reciprocation. Bound by Bachelor rules, ya know. Or is that really the reason? After dark, they make out more. Is that all they do, though? Seriously. I am so tired of seeing him kiss people, neck stiff and all. But alas. Saved by the lanterns.

Time for a Winnie date. What the crap with that shirt? And rolled up short jorts? Did I miss a memo? Anyhoo. Who needs helicopters when we’ve got Dumbo on the job. So strap on your hott elephant chaps, kids. It’s time to go for a bare back ride and hope a trunk doesn’t slap anything. The rest of the day date went well. They were both giddy atop the mountain looking out at the phenomenal views of the lush landscape. All of this followed by a really deep evening date. In watching for the second time, I see the chemistry that I missed the first time around. I think I was more focused on the food and good company than I was the show. But at this point, I see it. They jive. Proof lies in the heartbeat pounding into the microphone pressed between them. Was that real? Even if not, her three little words were. Again, no reciprocation. That proved to be too much for our little Filipino. She fell apart. I gotta say, it was hard to watch.

Our Bachelor lathers up his buff bod, wraps up in a long towel, and watches the lily pads do nothing. In hopes of gaining more focus, he walks out front to stare at the ginormous ball, which incidentally had an 8 written on the other side of it.

Neil Lane travels all the way to Chiang Rai to let Sean pick out THE ring. It just so happens to be the cushion cut ring capital L instructed Sean to place on her finger. Ouch.

Lindsay is decked out in hammered Reynolds Wrap. Meanwhile, Winnie throws on a fool’s gold number bearing an uncanny resemblance to the color of the knee-length number I donned at my senior prom. Clearly, it’s culturally desirable to dress in formal wear which would catch the attention of the Hubble. A couple of things my watchers pointed out... the choice of glittery dresses was interesting...to say the least. And Winnie must have chosen a dress to match her nose ring. Is she still wearing that thing?

Here comes the first SUV. The SUV holding the loser, for lack of a better word. Lindsay hops out and shimmies her badonkadonk down the hill. She left her push up bra on the raft, but is still confident she is about to get proposed to. Sad news for her and for General Daddy, though. No rose for her, in spite of her shimmery dress. Surprisingly, she holds it together and begs him to stop with the pleasantries. Code for SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE. She informs him that this is her nightmare, she again tells him to put a cork in it, she kicks off her heels, and she slinks into the SUV to crumble through the tears and incoherent baby talk.

It’s finally time. Time for the letter that has consumed the previews. Stephy predicted Sherry to be the author. Jackie agrees. I felt it would be someone from his past. Ems. Des. I don’t know. That’s all I had. Wrong, though. Winnie Cooper sends over one last love note before he makes his decision. Luckily for Sean, she has dumped Kevin and is ready to move on with her life in the Lowe family. She approaches the proposal deck cautiously making her way up, careful not to fall in. Sean begins his spiel, and somewhere among the rapid blinks and the nose flares, there was a proposal, a yes, a ring, some I Love Yous, and Dumbo. It was the happy ending I didn’t see coming in previous episodes. After all, during hometowns he was about to send her home. Enter the crazy brother. She stayed on a technicality. Now he has put a ring on it. Head scratcher. But oh well, he whisked her off atop a giant leathery beast. It MUST be love.



But to quote a clever Bachelor watcher, “Yay for pasty white Asian babies.” This literally caused LOLs in the room. And oh how true it is. Sean’s eyebrows, Catherine’s beautiful brown Filipino looks, which will be dominant...I’m crossing my fingers for their offspring.

After The Final Rose

Lindsay doesn’t get the answers she is looking for. She is bubbly just the same. Sean and Winnie further profess their love for one another as they let the world in on the secret that they will wed on National TV. I will probably watch just to appease my Monday night withdrawals.

But the greatest news...our girl Des will conquer 25 bachelors. Any chance Bentley will come back? I want to see a cage match between him and crazy bro. Cute sparkly dress, chica. But the black stockings? I’m confused. I’m also confused by her tears. Is she still pining away for Sean? Is she that excited about her impending journey? Are her pantyhose cutting off her circulation? Regardless, this is going to be fun.

Until next season, my loyal lovelies!


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