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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Women Bore All

Bore - verb. To make someone feel weary and uninterested by tedious talk or dullness.

Chris Harrison: "Bachelor fans are probably the most loyal fans."

True 'dat, Chris!

Chris and Sean crash a few watch parties. I'm not sure that sorority house has recovered yet. And I'm not sure why he skipped over this area but whatever.

Most of the ladies are there.

Ashley P. - Yesss! 50 shades of drama!
Diana
Brooke
DAniella
Jackie
Kacie
Leslie H
Kristy
Taryn
Katie
Amanda
Selma
Robyn
Sarah
Des
Lesley M
AshLee

What better to begin the show with than a montage of the evil that is Tierra. Immediately the girls are eager to weigh in on this topic. And then....out of the blue....Brooke. I didn't like her before, and I definitely don't like her now. Who the bleep does she think she is? Accusing the other girls of being jealous they didn't use the same REdiculous tactics to get time with Sean? She's as cray cray as Tierrible. Robyn is just as mad now as she was the day she botched her backflips. But wait. Just when they think they'll never have to see that slimy face again, the announcement. The tierrorist is backstage. Wait for it...

Annnnddddd enter Cruella to give her side of the story. Bring it.

She isn't met with a warm reception. Shocker. She sits and gives her spiel about how everyone was jealous of her. That first rose was what did it. Everyone immediately turned on her because she got a rose. A ROSE. Yeah, Tierra. It was all about that one rose. Because nobody else ever got a rose or anything, so I can see how they'd all hate you because of that rose.

Now let the fun begin.  Or so I thought. The ladies get a chance to respond, and they pretty much just supply the basics. No big surprises. Tierra played her sparkle card and maintained that she was a victim. The girls refuted that. Nothing got heated. She showed off her "diamond" ring from her recent "proposal" and all I could think was... Manti Te'o much? This is shaping up to be the most boring WTA ever.

Next up - Sarah. Chris reminds us that nobody has touched America's heart like Sarah. Bet she touched it with her right hand. Wait! Who said that?? WHAT! I'm sorry. Somebody's gotta lighten things up. Seriously, though, she's sweet. Anyhoo, she talked but all I mainly just heard blah blah blah. I've never opened up like this. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm great. I'm awesome. Sean's loss. Blahhhh.

A bang-less (no pun intended) Des takes the stage and I begin internally chanting - BRING.OUT.NATE... BRING.OUT.NATE... We need some life in this party. I find myself wondering why Des is angry at her ladies. And I don't mean the ones sitting in the chairs stage left. Why are they being punished? What's up with that dress? Ouch. We are gently reminded of the mess that was her hometown. Even she admits it was the worst hometown ever. What? Does she read my blog? Did she read THIS post? At least she realizes that was what killed her chances. I will always believe she was on the fast track to a finale proposal. I miss her still.

Capital L finally gets her turn on the couch. She looks awfully organized tonight. See what I did there. I like her new hair. Actually, I LOVE her new hair. However, her eyes are still 50 shades of cray. Of course we were forced to relive the catastrophe disguised as a rose ceremony where she exposed her inner Cybil. Oopsie. We saw it, girlfriend. She should've organized her thoughts before she reacted. She compared Sean's interaction with her to that of a Southern gentleman, while she referred to him as a frat boy with the other girls. Huh? I'm confused. So a guy must obviously be a frat boy if he is playful, fun and passionate? Because my husband was never in a fraternity. Just sayin. I think the disconnect here, ASHLEE, is that you stifled his fun side because of your overly high maintenance emotions and incessant conversations regarding abandonment issues, while the other girls brought that fun side out in him.

And finally, the moment these girls have waited for. Time to grill this heart-breaking bachelor. Capital L and her tatas get the first opportunity.  The more she talks, the more I realize she is far more needy than I realized...verging on pathetic, even. Fixation is a word that comes to mind. What's with the Southern gentleman thing? She wonders why he didn't run after her to check on her after he DUMPED her. Because why? Probably because he was eager to get back to the two women he KEPT! Ok. Check your ego, sister. Then to throw out an accusation like she threw out there. Wow. The crazy has spoken yet again. Fixation again. She won't even allow him to defend himself on a separate accusation because she wants the world to know her fictitious story about a statement he allegedly made about not having feelings for the other girls. Yeahhh, THAT happened. I feel confident. Who else was uncomfortable watching him squirm in his Ellen underwear as he has no clue what the bloody heck is happening in that moment. PS - Right before she makes that accusation, her eyes scream lie. Watch it back. In that moment, she's working up the nerve to tell the biggest lie she's ever told. Daddy preacher man wouldn't be very proud. Then she continued to put on this show that screamed please believe my fabricated story. Body language speaks volumes, miss Container Store clerk. Excuse me while I prepare my next tweet... #SoreLoser #Delusional #Liar #Arrogant #Idiot

Ok, I'm finished now. But clearly, those two weren't finished just because someone yelled cut. For the record, I don't believe her. Frankly, I'm shocked at anyone who does. Are we really to believe that Sean told her he had no connection with the other two girls, only nights before he kept those same two girls OVER her? Call me overly pragmatic, but I call bul.... well, you know what I call.

And just in time...blooper reel. Who wanted the mic boom to make contact on its way down in front of Tierrible? I did, I did. The picnic in the weeds with crazy eye...I'm shocked I didn't notice this before but I'm pretty sure that was a bottle of Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. Yikes. Preacher's daughter went all out, didn't she. I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, a wine connoisseur - but yuck.

Next week, he chooses. The finale is going to be great! A little bit of everything. Elephants. River rides. Tears. Sean mama drama. A ring. A letter. Who's it from? Ems? AshLee? Des? A producer who needs Sean to straighten his tie?

Admittedly, I'm no pet person. That said, what a great dog in the closing scene. Judging by the pic, he charmed his way onto the last BP set. Hope he didn't catch any random communicable diseases, miss producer lady. RIP Magic.

In retrospect, why did we not get a taste of our blue tie wild child? Why would they deprive us of quality interview entertainment. If there's anything this WTA needed, it was excitement.

Until next week, my lovely readers! And to my watch party crew, looking forward to the big night! See you guys soon! Who will it be, everyone???? Put your predictions in the comments section!






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