Boom, Twerk, And A WHOLE Lotta Kookoo

I believe last time I spoke I was predicting the departure of Kimberly and her downward dog. But alas, I eat crow. It seems she worked her charm, and other assets, to worm her way back in. I do believe this is a first for me. I’ve never seen this happen. I’m going to take that as a sign that farmer Chris doesn’t always play by the book. Should make for an interesting twist! I have no problem with her staying. The ladies, on the other hand, are burning their yoga mats.

The episode begins with a double-Chris pow-wow while the girls nurse what I can only assume are raging hangovers. Ahh but they power through when the date card is laid out. Like dogs in heat, they grab away. I’m pretty sure someone drew back a bloody nub during grabfest 2015.

The first group date goes to: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara... “Show me your country.” Whatever that means.

The girls head off to Ten Ten Wilshire to a rooftop where a pool awaits. It doesn’t take this guy long to get them in bikinis. SEE! I told you he wanted to check out the goods on Kimberly. I gotta say, though, I see a little bit of a red flag given the urgency of a pool party. However, it’s too early for me to be so presumptuous. So I’ll continue on without a jaded opinion.

Jillian and Megan sneak off to check out Chris’ pad. Number one: did Jillian leave part of her bikini bottom at home? Number two: Megan in the helmet. Never mind.

Someone please tell me why Chris is parading these girls around LA in bikinis. I’m so confused. And to add insult to injury...now they have to board their Kubotas in hopes of their butt cheeks not sticking to the seat? Insulting at best. C’mon Chris. Who was your Bachelor mentor, Juan Pablo? Jake the snake?

Oh my gosh why is there always a gut-wrenching life story that tugs at every heart string I have! I just hope our friend Jew-eee-lee-uh turns out to be a good one.

It is no secret that I am NOT digging this grouper. Bikini tractor races? Hay bails in the streets. As if the tractor seat didn’t wreak enough havoc on random body parts, now they have to sit on hay, too? Makes me itch just thinking about it.

Oh Mackenzie. Dear, sweet, fuzzy-headed, extra-terrestrial Mackenzie. Earring holes. Nose size. Aliens. Those might not be conversation topics of choice for a first date... or a tenth date. As she reveals that it has been a year since she’s been on a date, I can almost hear a collective gasp of shock coming from living rooms around the country. Who knew. She doesn’t seem out of practice or anything. I mean, don’t all women tell a dude he has a big nose on a first date. But it got her a rose, so whatever.

Date card time! Megan, “Love is a natural wonder.” Megan. Darlin’. It’s a date card. Please abandon the Taylor Swift circa 2011 shocked face. And you’re a makeup artist. Why are you? Anyhoo, she does eventually put on makeup for her date interview. Again I say... you’re a makeup artist. Why did you? But bless her. The story of her dad. I wish she wouldn’t have told that so that I could feel more comfortable expressing my opinion of her. But I won’t. She gets a rose. That is all I have.

Another date card arrives. Yippee! Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, Britt. “Til death do us part.” Oh this oughtta be good!! Real good.

I would comment on the difference in Jillian’s face with and without makeup if I weren’t scared she’d hunt me down and throat punch me. But the date is in the dark, so it’s neither here nor there. So the limo pulls up to something out of the Thriller video, zombie-like creatures surrounding the car and scaring the living ghost turds out of the girls. CHRIS?! What in Stephen King’s name are you thinking?! You suck at dates. And why is Ashley S. giving the paintball tutorial. I guess she’s an expert at balls. Paint balls, that is. Be careful people, she steals pomegranates. And she’ll shoot your eye out. Seriously. She will. The crazy biznatch is busting balls left and right. Again, I’m referring to paint balls. I might be more scared of her than of Jillian.

Back at the house, Mackenzie, Jordan and Megan entertain themselves by implementing makeup tips given to them by our Nashvegas makeup artist. All while Jordan supplies a drunken twerking lesson. Careful, girlfriend, you’re gonna break something. I’m sorry to those offended by her but can we just say HI-lar-i-ous! Weed wacker? Classic! Sorry, Jillian, the whole country is getting a laugh at your expense. Or shall I say at the expense of your hairy butt. Jordan, you go girl.

Meanwhile, the class crazy continues to stun. Boom. That’s how she feels. Like, boom. And she wants to hide. Hide what, honey? Hide-n-go-seek? Hide the pickle? Hide your crazy? Hide your mysterious silver toy? I just know his leather smells really great. I wonder what her pill bottle smells like. Maybe we’ll find out when she appears on an episode of Snapped.

Remember THIS? Yeah, don't we all.

Britt continues her run as resident charmer. I still love her. Becca too. But Kaitlyn gets the rose, which makes me super happy. I am convinced there is more to come in the way of humor à la Kaitlyn. Never mind that she isn't suited for Chris. She's funny.

During the cocktail party, Ashley I. claims she still carries the V card. Ummm. Yeah, I call BS. She’s 26, people. She gorgeous. She’s... she’s... she’s... well, she’s not that. No way. After that belly button thing, and that makeout sesh, NO. Just no.

You know who else says no to the making out? Britt. She doesn’t approve. One of my biggest peeves is the girl who decides to all of a sudden be upset when she realizes other girls are kissing the same guy she’s kissing. Lame. It’s Bachelor! Put your big girl panties on, sister.

Poor little Jordan. She’s wasted again. Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places. Honnn-ney. Fix your hair. Stop with the duck faces. Stop shoving his hand in your lap. Stop making out with the camera. Stop. Just stop. Somebody get that girl some coffee.

As the rose ceremony loomed, I was truly feeling it was about to be one of the more predictable ones in Bachelor history. Honestly, though, I’d rather him send home the sober boring ones than the drunken funny ones.

Roses go to:

Britt - Well, of course. I mean. It’s Britt!

Ashley I. - He gives her a flower literally, hoping to take it back figuratively.

Trina - She expresses her deepest thanksssssss.

Kelsey - Eh.

Samantha - Who?

Juelia, no not you Jillian - Hey can you fix that rug on your way back?

Amber - Uh.

Tracy - Why are there so many I still don’t know.

Jillian - Saunter down very carefully, sweetie.

Jade - Yeah, I don’t know enough about you either.

Nikki - Ditto.

Becca - Yay!

Carly - Was she in this episode? In other news, here’s a fun fact, courtesy of my sis-in-law: she is the sister of Zak W. from Des’ season.

Whitney - Oh my gaw. I’m over it.

Ashley S. - I’m sure this makes her feel all like boom clap inside. Like you know, when a slice of pizza plays checkers and the moon smells like Nutella. Boom. Are you hiding? That’s what I mean.

Goodbye to:

Alissa - No big loss. Besides, I’m sure someone was kind enough to give her plastic wings and a bag of peanuts on her way out.

Jordan - I’m pretty sure she almost licked his face.

Kimberly... again - Namaste for real.

Tara - And she wasn’t even trashed this time. Didn’t stop her slobbery pity party, though.

Well, not as predictable as I thought. But over, nonetheless. And not very pretty. Next time, can we please see the rug trick again? Pretty please.

Now, let’s look forward to a little Kimmel next week! That’s all, folks!