First off, why has it taken so long for this glorious show to become a red carpet event??
Secondly, I'm baaaa-aaackkkk. For those of you who have been readers in past seasons, I apologize for my hiatus. I haven't been very blog-loyal the past few seasons. I hope this is the beginning of a new loyalty.
According to Chris, love is a lot like farming... screw the box of chocolates, right?
Six minutes in and already a topless man? Wait! It’s the beefed up kinda-creepy Cody. I’m out. Brad, where are you when we need you?! Roberto? Anyone?
Sean and Katherine are on the scene. Harrison refers to them as one of the most beloved couples? Ok. I miss the Aly/Roberto days. I gotta admit, I’m a little thankful that there’s a darker shade of facial hair going on with our pal Sean, though. You remember, right?
My oh my... Bachelor in Paradise. Did I watch? Yes. Did I love? No. Did I somewhat enjoy? Mmmm, ok I’ll give you that one. Marcus I love love love. Ole what’s-her-face (yeah yeah, I know it’s Andi. I just don’t like saying her name) missed out by dumping him. And Lacy? Harumph. Didn’t like her on whichever season she was on for a hot minute. Liked her even less on BIP. Can’t stand her face now. Or her math skills. 80/40?? Oh honey! Let me enroll you in a mediocre juco and see what happens.
First up is Britt from Hollywood. Pretty girl. Plus she gives free hugs.
Jillian from DC might be a handful. But I’m gonna choose my words wisely because she may or may not be able to whip my butt. Ok, she could. I accept this.
Amanda from Illinois. I think I’d like to refer to her as twinkle toes... or maybe potty mouth is more appropriate. Seems our prima ballerina left her class (and her dignity) back at the studio. But she didn’t leave her gigantic eyes at home. Puss in boots, much?
Whitney from Chicago. Is she for real. Seriously, folks. IS. THAT. VOICE. FOR. REAL?! Oh dear baby cheeses I need her to be sent home very soon.
Mackenzie from somewhere, Washington. Well she has an adorable kid, so brownie points there. But lawwwwrrrrrddddd that hair. Baby doll, can you grab a Chi next time you’re at the JCPenney hair salon.
Alissa the cheesy Jersey girl flight attendant. Ummm, I think not. Sorry mile-high people. I’m not on board with this one.
Kelsey the short-haired counselor. At first sight, I thought no. Cute hair but I don't know that it's working for her. But then something happened. I think I’m gonna like this one.
Can I just say the red carpet stuff is about to bore me to tears. Yeah yeah, I know what I said earlier. In my defense, it doesn’t help having to see Andi again with her fake beau. It just sortof adds insult to injury. And did she REALLY say she would’ve gone to Iowa under the right circumstances. Sorry, Josh. I guess you’re the consolation prize. No worries, though. She's no prize, herself.
Someone please tell me why we had to hear from Nikki and her Tammy Wynette channeling? Stand by your man, stand by your shman. Suck it, Nikki. He was a... well, he was lots of things. And since I try to keep this blog somewhat G-rated, I won’t divulge in any vulgar name-calling. I just don’t understand why she is treading water trying not to step on Juan Pablo’s toes. Sheesh, woman, step on them!! Tell the world what you really think. We think it too honey, we think it too.
After that walk down memory lane, it’s finally time to meet what is bound to be the craziest crop of losers and other women on what will assuredly be the most dramatic season ever.
And here they are, people. Get ready. Limo one arrives full of giggles, screams, and Spanx.
Britt, 27, Waitress - Hollywood
Wow. Her nerves. That long hug. Oh the hug. And she comes bearing gifts... or shall I say coupons. For free hugs. I’m gonna go ahead and be ok with this one for now, though. I see the potential for just about anything.
Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse - Chicago
Gahhhh the shoes. I hate the yellow shoes. Loathe them entirely. The kind of loathing that might supersede my loathing for her baby-talk voice. Those of you who have read my blog know this ain’t my first rodeo with voice-hating Bachelor girls. So saddle up, this won’t be the last hatin’ I do. She can take her shoes, her voice, her peculiarly south’n accent, and her burning fertility loins on back to the windy city as far as I’m concerned.
Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor - Austin, TX
I still think I’ll probably like this “regular girl” in spite of my initial gut instinct.
Megan, 24, Make-Up Artist - Nashvegas
Bless her. I don’t know if it’s her nerves or if she’s just that dull. C’mon girlfriend, where’s your free hug gift card. Step it up, sister!
Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist - Wayne, NJ
Whoa mammm-maaaa! She’s a stunna. That dress, that bracelet, that hair, those teeth, she’ll probably stick around a while on looks alone. Teresa Giudice ain’t got nothin’ on this Jersey girl!
Trina, 33, Special Ed Teacher - San Clemente, CA
What the?! Excuse me, can I borrow those legs please? And the earrings, too. I always have a soft spot for the teachers. But the whistley S sound might, just might, get to me. I hope not, though. We’ll sssssssee.
Reegan, 28, Donated Tissue Specialist - Manhattan Beach, CA
Ok, so at first I was like, ‘yeah she brought a cooler. My kind of girl!’ But then I saw her profession and I became jittery. I was scared for a minute. Like, what’s in the cooler? A spleen? A big toe? A donated eyelid? Juan Pablo’s heart? WHAT IS IT! Please let it be a 6-pack instead of an organ. The suspense is killing me! Then the reveal. Ok yeah, it might as well have been a real body part because gag. Four words: is she for real. Chris’ mouth said “that’s awesome” (twice) but Chris’ body language said I can’t feel my legs.
Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast - Ft. Lauderdale
YESSSS baby! I am digging the cowboy boots, shorty shorts and plaid. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to see THIS outfit step out of the limo. Ride ‘em cowgirl. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’d have waited until the 2nd date for this outfit but I am loving her moxy!
Amber, 29, Bartender - Chicago
Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader - NYC
I’m still bored.
Tara again. I approve. Yep, I like the cocktail attire.
Wierd girl with a weird note xoxo, 24, Ballet Teacher (oh yeah, her!) - Somewhere weird, IL
I’m so overexposed at this point I can’t even look at her face... or her big eyes. Per her weird request, neither can Chris.
Jillian, 25, News Producer - DC
She works out. I’m still scared of her.
Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant - Maple Valley, WA
Still no Chi. Awkward introduction. 90s dress. Bless.
Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist - Brooklyn, NY
Are my eyes playing tricks on me or is she wearing Louboutins? They may or may not be originals, but they sure are hot. She, on the other hand... ruff.
Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor - Vancouver
Ummm, right off the bat I’m thinking she isn’t the one he needs to take home to mom. Unless he genuinely wants to plow the... well, you know the rest.
What’s this? A break in the introductions. He walks in and it’s like a moth to a friggin flame, these girls. And lil’ Eddie got a joke to tell. Thank goodness Chris cut her off. Oh but just for a minute because as soon as he was finished with his speech, a walrus and a seal walk into a Tupperware bar. Or something like that.
He gets a little time with Britt and they maybe almost maybe kissed?? Maybe. Almost. I don’t know, but I am liking her. That’s all.
But then he gets cornered by miss cadaver tissue salesperson. Again, all he can say is “that’s awesome.” Chris, Chris, Chris. It’s really ok to just say, “Girl, you creepy.”
I’m so confused about this whole first impression rose thing. Why is it out there so soon? And will there be another? Will there be more girls? Ahhhhh the stress!
Why oh why is fertile-loins talking about making babies and inseminating pigs? WHAT is wrong with this mousy-voiced princess. I mean, I can see this girl walking around a sorority house in her bunny slippers... irritating the crap out of the cool sorority girls. I just really can’t listen to fertility talk much more before I jump through my TV and tap on her trachea until her voice deepens. By the way, who is this girl who is talking about scaling Mount Whodawhata? Seriously, honey, we get it. You went to Peru. But you’re still boring with your heart-shaped rock and all. Sorry bout'cha.
And here we go again with the secret admirer thing. She’s waiting in the parlor with her potty mouth and her pirouettes. The best advice I can give her is not to drop what she mentioned dropping earlier. Keep them on, please.
In spite of all of my hating, this is going to be my favorite season ever, I can already feel it. And finding out that there are indeed 15 more crazies on the prowl makes me even happier. This episode is giving me the warm fuzzies. Although, did one of them actually just call this ‘a game’? Well that may come back to bite her.
Anyhoo, resuming introductions:
Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer - LA
I don’t know. I just hope she’s more exciting than she seems.
Michelle, 25, Wedding Cake Decorator - Provo, UT
The name alone tells me she’s bound to be cool. Right? Although, her dress wears me out.
Juelia, 30, Esthetician - Portland, OR
I’m really kinda over the whole flesh-colored-everything thing. I need color, people. Is that too much to ask. And the spelling of her name. I feel like enunciating. Jew-eee-lee-uh. You know. Kindof like frah-gee-lee.
Annnnnddddd enter Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant - San Diego
What I wouldn’t give to hear Chris make a back popping analogy reminiscent of the field plowing one from earlier. Wow. Best outfit of the night. Prettiest girl of the night. I’m in!
Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant - Sandy, UT
She seems fun. And she drives a bike in a cocktail dress. Yeah, I like this one. And so does Chris, considering he honks her horn. No further jokes at this time about the horn.
Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant - Hamilton, NJ
Her again? But that dress. Not bad. Annnnddddd scene. The seatbelt? Gurrrrlllll. Stop it. Let me show you the exits.
Jordan, 24, Student - Windsor, CO
Why do I think she’s a gypsy looking for a meal ticket? With her mini whiskeys and her, ummm, ?jewelry?... no.
Petunia (well, it’s actually Nicole if you must know), 31, Real Estate Agent - Scottsdale, AZ
A pig nose? Baby doll, no. That’s not how you get his attention. I mean, you could always “ham it up” by modeling tassels of some sort. Now THAT would get his attention, without making him crave a bacon sandwich. In my mind he said, “Dude. My dad’s a cop. This is offensive.”
Brittany, 26, WWE Diva-in-Training - Orlando
Hot tamale. What the crap. If someone ripped the bottom off of her dress, they did it in all the right places. This one will get his attention for sure. And she comes with her own hashtag. FINALLY...someone who knows how to use hashtags. I’m totally checking out Twitter after this is over. #Soulesmates
Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer - Arlington, TX
Ohmagawwww. Is she really doing what I think she's doing? Why, yes. Yes I do believe she is. All that’s missing is her Barbie. But I’m going to try not to be too mean. The girls in the house will eat her for lunch. Probably after she bursts out in song... Let it go. Let it goooo.
Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher - Wellington, FL
Ok, so one of my very dearest friends is a 4th grade teacher and one of the coolest girls I know, so Tracy must be cool. She’s most definitely beautiful...like my friend.
Bo, 25, Plus-Size Model - Carpinteria, CA
Kudos to her for owning her curves. But, umm, how do I say this tactfully. She might have a hint of a... well, if you’re familiar with the “I Hate Rachel” club, you can finish that one yourself. I’m sure she’s a lovely person, though.
Kimberly, 28, Yoga Instructor - Long Island
This girl has an excellent doctor if-ya-knowwhatimsayin. And she’s beautiful.
Kara, 25, HS Soccer Coach - Brownsville, KY
I don’t know about this one. And what’s with the 90s throwbacks tonight. Anyhoo, she’s pretty cheesy.
Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer - LA
Whoa, whoa, whoa. He’s got a cute one.
How will he EVER choose. For the first time ever, I believe, I am unable to narrow my choices down to only a few. There is so much beauty this season. There are a few I can do without. But mostly, they are super pretty and there’s not near as much crazy as I expected... yet. But have no fear, the super ugly will start to creep in as this steal-him-away-fest continues on. And as I type, Ashley S. and her philosophical rantings about onions proves my point. And by the way, who steals a rose out of someone else’s garden and then tries to hand it off to a WWE Diva?! A drunk girl does. That’s who. Right before she picks someone else’s pomegranate. Ok. That’s that. Speaking of drunk girls... Tara. Our resident boot scooter. Why did she go to sot-ville on the first night. I was rooting for her. But cheese and rice girlfriend, pull yourself together. Boy is the ugly rearing it’s head. But alas, it’s time for the FI rose to be handed out. And I must brag. I called it! I knew that free hug would pay off. And it came with a free kiss. Who knew. Oh, Britty Britt Britt. How I heart you.
The rose ceremony begins and I get nervous. I do have some girls I really want to stay, and I do have a few I really want to go.
The roses go to:
Kaitlyn - YES! No, she’s not for Christ but I love her crazy. No worries, people, she won’t be around forever but she is sure to provide some quality entertainment while she is!
Jade - Cute patootie. No surprise, there.
Samantha - Who? Oh yeah. Good dress girl.
Ashley I. - Thank you!
Tandra - It was the horn. That’s what reeled him in.
Nikki - Boring.
Kelsey - Here’s your regular rose, regular girl.
Megan - Still dull.
Alissa - She gets to stay strapped in. Where’s my oxygen mask, I feel turbulence.
Amber - Who is she?
Juelia - Frah-gee-lee
Becca - Yes sir!
Trina - I feel the catty behavior coming on with thissss one. Look out. Thankssssssss.
Mackenzie - Alright Annie, it’s your time to shine. Get those locks under control and show us what you’re made of. Hopefully it’s hair product.
Tracy - I agree.
Tara - What the what?! I sure hope she proves to be the cute cowgirl she originally showed herself to be.
Jordan - I blame her tiny whiskeys for Tara’s behavior. I feel like they snuck off and did shots together.
Jillian - I hope he invests in some protective gear for his nether region. You never know. I’m still scared.
Whitney - What? Baby talking and yellow shoes? The guy clearly doesn’t have “a type”.
Carly - Do you want to build a snowman.
Ashley - I guess he likes onions, pomegranates and yellow roses.
As they say goodbye, we get to see the emotions fly in the courtyard. But wait, did this party last all night? It’s sunup. Anyway. Back to the goodbyes. First up, the weirdo. As expected, she let the tears flow. Xoxo, honey. Goodbye. Kara heads back to the soccer field. Tell me again why they’re crying. Somebody please. Kimberly gets emotional on us. I’m surprised he let her go. I was sure he was curious enough about her bikini to keep her another week. Oh well. Namaste. I’ll tune in next week to see what happened after she came back in and got him, but I’m not holding out for anything beyond namaste.
The previews. Wow. I’m speechless. Chris Harrison, it might indeed be the most dramatic, romantic season yet. Just maybe.
Until next week, my lovely readers!