Creepy Eyes And A Sobbing Kardashian

Ok, so, first things first. (Did you just say “I’m the realist” in your head?) Let me rewind a little and tell you why I’ve been MIA...

A few weeks ago, I got super sick.

A few days later, had a setback.

Started to feel somewhat better.

Grandpa died.

Had another setback.

Started feeling better... again.

Had other catchup work (house work, work work, you know) that consumed my time, along with social things. Fast forward to today. I’m picking up on a blog I started 3 weeks ago, and again the next week, and again last week, but clearly didn't finish any of them. So, here I am. Finally playing catchup. The fun kind of catch up work. Blog catch up. So first, rather than doling out a full recap of episodes that are now history, I’ll just share a few thoughts about the episodes I didn’t blog about. Then a full blog of last night’s episode. Whew, buckle up because here we go.

First of all, THANK YOU Bachelor for the dose of Kimmel! What a nice way to start my Bachelor binge watching. Some thoughts on the Kimmel episode...

1. When Kaitlyn’s date card mentioned joining an exclusive club, did anyone else think it might have something to do with a vertical mile?
2. Why would you plan dates around bulk warehouse shopping and farm animals?
3. Why, oh WHY, would he choose baby talker as his one-on-one? Does he not care that I will wilt if I have to hear that voice much longer?
4. Does Jillian own clothing that doesn’t require the TV censoring people to work overtime on the little black boxes?
5. Do these girls EVERRRR take notes from seasons past? Bachelor 101: NEVER whine about other contestants. Ever. Like ever.
6. Has Jimmy Kimmel ever been cooler?

After watching that one, I’m in desperate need of a little bit of spice. Moving on to 2 weeks ago...

1. Did I see see our resident Kardashian (or Vardashian, if ya know what I mean) asking for hair extension help from our resident frizzola?
2. Is it just me or are unbuttoned jorts annoying?
3. Again, see previous #4.
4. As much as I have resisted liking Carly, she is looking for a man just like her grandpa. I relate. I like.
5. Ashley S. Ummm. Yeah. Her. What do you say. Nothing. I have nothing.
6. Ashley I. Ummm. Hot mess much.
7. Jade. Her. Perfection.
8. Obstacle courses with big balls make me laugh. And by obstacle course, I may or may not mean Jillian.
9. Britt. See last week’s #5.
10. I would conclude with a comment about crazy girl’s exit. But I have... nothing.

Last week’s episode leaves with me only a couple of thoughts...

1. Megan. Bless her dumb little sombrero-wearin’ heart, y’all. I’m so glad she finally got to go out of the country, though.
2. Note to self: do NOT visit a love guru.
3. Note to Bachelor contestants: always sleep with breath strips under your pillow.

And finally, to get back on track, a semi-full recap!

FIRST OFF,  a panic attack? Ok, yeah, and two girls in the house still carry a V card. Okayyyy. It's believable, right? Thanks for shedding a little light on it, Kaitlyn. Bleeps be crazy.

As the rose ceremony begins, Chris engages in one of my biggest pet peeves. He actually said he couldn’t give 110% of himself. Seriously, Chris. Don’t say that in this context. It is IMPOSSIBLE to give more than 100% of yourself, your effort, your emotion, yada yada yada. So stop it!

Jade gets the first rose, which is great news. But better than that, afterward my 8 year old asks, “mama, has anyone ever said no when they asked ‘will you accept this rose’?” My thought was, "no, baby, then they'd miss out on their fifteen minutes of fame true love." Then it’s Kaitlyn, Becca, Megan and her minuscule IQ, Ashley and her... well her everything, and Kelsey and her crazy. Someone had to fill in where Ashley S. left off. And just when Mackenzie’s hair started to look normalish, he sends her home. Thanks a lot, farm boy. And we also lose Samantha... or at least I think that was her name. Who knows.

They’re off to Deadwood, South Dakota. Deadwood? Hey, remember that time Ashley I. told Chris she still has her purity flower? Oh, never mind.

Ok, so about the girlie pow wow where Kelsey was called out. I honestly don’t know what to think. Dead husband. Panic attack. Above average intelligence. Innocent delusions. What the crap. If she did have a husband and if he did indeed suddenly drop dead on a sidewalk, shouldn’t we test his Gatorade for antifreeze? Yeah, I watch Dateline. I know stuff.

As Chris and Becca make goo goo eyes and fall deeply for one another as she tries to figure out how to perform G-rated kissing so daddy won’t stroke out, the group date card arrives for the other girls. Baby-talker, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, annnnddddd Megan. So for the dreaded two-on-one, that leaves Ashley I. and Kelsey. Crazy and crazier. Should be interesting to watch the cat fight go down while Kelsey most likely cackles.

The group goes to visit the wild wild west and make country music. This makes Megan feel right at home. You know, back in the good ole U S of A. She feels at home even though they are technically still in Mexico, or is it New Mexico, or Old Mexico, or South Mexico, no South Dakota, yeah that’s it. Is that a Canadian province? Kudos to the girls that got up there and sang even though they clearly sound like herniating cats.

The date card arrives and gives Kelsey the opportunity to display her vast array of knowledge about the Badlands. The other girls can only WISH they were as worldly and wise as the cultured Kelsey the guidance counselor. Who does she counsel exactly? Farm boys who like girls who save horses, maybe. Or girls who get ditched on group dates by farm boys with a thing for girls who are never seen without makeup... or extensions.

Finally comes the first two-on-one of the season. These two crazies are going to make this one interesting, I just know it! My only hope is that they BOTH go home.

I’m taking bets on how long our over-qualified guidance counselor has waited to use a word like pragmatic. Gee whiz, bubba, I sure wishes I’z as smart as that thar Kelsey. Creepy, super-weird, sociopathic, monotone Kelsey. Even though team Kardashian was the lesser of two evils, her time is up. And she ugly cries all the way across the Badlands, while Kelsey auditions for the next Lifetime movie. But the bright spot, Chris granted my wish. Thank you, farm boy. This is a gratifying moment for this Arkansas gal. If she’d stayed, I’d have needed to ask for the number of a good guidance counselor. How'bout them Badlands now, wacko.

And once again, we are left hanging. No rose ceremony. As if we need reason to watch next week!

But finally, I’m back at it. My apologies for my absence. Although I sure am glad my lovely readers are loyal enough to forgive me. Until next time, I leave you with this. Somebody’s watching you. You’re welcome.