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Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Three Cuts And A Choke

Hi all. Back to NOLA we go. And as has become the status quo, we begin with more of the Corinne show. Or in this case, the Taylor vs. Corinne championship match. Take your corners and hold on tight. This could be "the most dramatic" moment in Bachelor franchise history.

But it wasn't really. It was a bit uneventful and predictable. Taylor's in denial about her lack of a spark with Nick. Corinne fumes, and then gloats. And in case you didn't know, cats have nine lives and b****es have two. Not quite sure what that means but I'm pretty sure she doesn't either. Also, she doesn't even realize she's claiming she has only two lives. It's a situation.

No cocktail party. Instead they visit Forrest Gump's childhood home and go straight to the roses. The ones without a rose slam back a drink while Danielle M. and Rachel sit back and relax, and Corinne eats a rose petal.

Rose recipients:
Kristina
Raven
Vanessa
Danielle L.
Jasmine
My heart thumps as I say aloud, "oh pleeeease say Alexis!!"
But no, Whitney what's-her-face gets the final rose.

Cue music.



I was over Josephine and Jaimi anyway so it's all good there. But Alexis?? Really?? Last week Sarah, this week the quirky dolphin enthusiast? Life is like a box of chocolates. Josephine hugs him and whispers, "you'll miss my book wiener." Jaimi smudges her purple lipstick with snot, and Alexis visualizes running a dorsal fin into his crotch. 

Now it's off to St. Thomas. Nick circles the island in a seaplane while giving us an up close and personal glimpse of his leg hair.



Kristina immediately gets whisked away while the other girls watch with envy as they fly off.  The camera continues to show us Nick's hairy legs. Jasmine whines about not getting the date. She isn't the first girl to leave her big girl panties at home.

Nick takes Kristina to a scenic overlook for some unlabeled domestic brewskis and deep conversation. She starts off with a little bit of family tree business then lays a lip lock on him before heading down to the beach.

Back at the condo, Vanessa gives a history lesson that the girls pretend to be interested in. She also put a T on the end of learned. She learnT some history. Lorna shows up and Corinne gets a little turned on at the thought of getting her clothes pressed, her pina coladas freshly blended and poolside service complete with lobster dip. She thinks Raquel will be jealous, but I'm taking bets on how many parties Raquel has thrown since Corinne left.

Nick continues to dig for family background. Kristina goes into detail about her circumstances in Russia. Michelle weeps. Seriously. I can't linger on the topic. I'm mad at myself for taking her out of my top four on my fantasy board.

Group date card: "Love's a beach... Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine." That leaves Danielle L. and Whitney for the two-on-one. Ouch.

The group takes off on The Cat for some island fun. They start off with a little cornhole  Corinne sported a skin-tone bra and white panties, Jasmine is still wearing bikinis small enough for a Build-A-Bear, and Raven, oh as much as I love her, those bottoms. Yikes. Nick imitates a drunk baby dinosaur. Corinne IS a drunk baby dinosaur. V can't volley it over the net. Jasmine turns into a violent turnip. Everyone takes a different spot on the beach to cry into their tequila shooters. Corinne's right knocker slips out from underneath her top. Danielle M. dreams of the day she has tatas big enough to fall out. (Where's Terry Dubrow when you need him?) The day wasn't a success. Nick decides he should've worn trunks large enough to keep him safe from the threat of moose knuckles.

The evening begins and Raven redeems herself on the blue retro bottoms with that outfit. And it looks way more comfortable than Nick's conversation with Rachel. She rambled a lot about how this is way outside her comfort zone. Or maybe she was stalling so she wouldn't have to go back and hear Jasmine talk about punching Nick in his face. She's BEEN to St. Thomas, y'all. She doesn't need ABC and this show. And she most certainly will NOT be overlooked. She can and she WILL throw somebody down and go full throttle with a chokey.



No amount of pent up aggression could save her though. Even though she tried to go all Anastasia Steele on him. Nick sends all 50 shades of Jasmine straight to the hizzy. Raven got the rose, albeit unaired.

Whitney and D-Lo take off on the always awkward two-on-one, both confused about why they're on the date together since they get along.

I may be from the south but I do realize men's swimwear is trending toward the shorter. However, I'm just a little taken aback if they're short AND snug. And super short at that. Makes me nervous. What if he sits down wrong, crosses his legs and oopsie, out comes a hint of junk. My heart just couldn't take it.

Nick decides Whitney is a little too safe for him so he draws an X in the sand for her to stand on as he flies off in the chopper with Danielle. She gets sand burn from the propeller wind as she relives in her mind their time together on the side of the rocky surf, wondering where she went wrong.

D-Lo feels safe as they fly off. At dinner, Nick asks for two adjectives to describe her ideal relationship. She chooses two nouns instead: love and trust. She also spends most of the date reminiscing about their first date... all while not picking up on the fact that he is clearly disconnected. He's wondering if they have Reddi-Whip in St. Thomas. I'm wondering why she didn't use adjectives. I'm also wondering how I went so wrong with my fantasy picks. I lost one final four last week in Sarah. And now I've lost my final rose pick. Proof I don't look at Reality What's-His-Face.

Nick shows up back at the condo for a counseling session. He isn't sure this is going to work for him. He needs someone to pay him a late night visit. This tears him up inside. Every week, one of the fantasy league questions asks if someone will be in a hot tub. I'm wondering why they don't ask if Nick will cry this week. At this point, the odds of that are way higher than the hot tub thing.

Next week, everybody's crying. Again. Also, the return of the platinum vagine. Until then, readers! For now, let's pay our respects. Take care, dolphin shark. Nice knowin' ya.



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