I really must lead this blog entry with THE SINGLE MOST ironic statement ever! In the history of ironic statements! After Michelle’s personality number 42 states that she wishes Chantal would be attacked by monkeys or apes, she has the nerve to describe Chantal with these words: aggressive, overly confident, overly confident. The irony. Enough said.
Chantal gets another date and another helicopter ride. Originality isn’t Brad’s forte. I guess it wouldn’t be a date with Chantal without a little rain. But backing up, the zipline thing kinda freaks me out a little. I’m all about adventure, but 600 feet above dry land? No. Nada. Never. Lacks romance wouldn’t you say? And I’m not so sure the 2nd part of the date wasn’t lacking in romance a little too...until the rain. That’s where the fun began, really. It rains, they run to his condo, she puts on his shirt, they toast, they make out, he fights the urge to ask for a lap dance, they share passionate moments. Second most ironic statement ever... Michelle was impassioned in her theory that the rain had to have ruined their date! Cut to Chantal with sexy wet hair standing in Brad’s condo wearing his white button up as he gazes with a lustful stare in anticipation of the upcoming makeout session, while he not-so-discreetly held his glass of wine creatively in front of...well you know where I’m going with that. The date Michelle said the rain “completely ruined” was the same date Brad referred to as perfect. Very perceptive, Michelle. It was ruined. Yep. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
It’s that time again. Group dates. The thing Michelle hates. Really. She hates group dates. She said so. How about Brad’s Teva sandals. He just slipped down the cool factor scale a little. On this date, the girls were provided the AWESOME (and by awesome, I mean terrifying) opportunity to rappel down a waterfall. Something shocking happened. Sit down for this. Michelle got mad. Yes, you heard me correctly. She was “p****d” as she so eloquently put it. But in all fairness, she DID have a pinky swear with Brad that he would never rappel with anyone but her. Pinky swears are a big deal. Who doesn’t know this?? I guess Brad didn’t get that memo!! As any sweet schizophrenic woman would, she closed-fist whacked him a few times. He had it coming. Disclaimer: Any perceived endorsement of Michelle or her actions contained herein might contain excessive sarcasm.
Aside from some jealousy and cattiness, the daytime portion of the date was less than interesting. The hot springs were quite the buzzkill for Brad. He was forced to toast with some sort of miniature fruity drink, Jackie insecurely gives him a hard time about not rappelling down with her, Emily admits sabotaging relationships (although she TOTALLY redeemed herself with that kiss...lordy!), and Michelle happened. Personality 27 was convinced that it was appropriate to interrogate him about his choices, personality 11 interrogated him about his reasons for taking Chantal on a sexy date and letting her wear his shirt, personality 34 laid the tongue to him to distract him from her other personalities. Pretty sure it didn’t work. Nobody gets a rose. Wowza. Brad might want to sleep with one eye open.
On a happy note...it only took 42 minutes for the producers to show us the goods! Let’s set a new record next week, ABC!
Alli meets him “at the altar.” Finally! Transportation that doesn’t involve a helicopter. Only... it’s a horse. That would be sign #1 of impending doom. He holds her hand without intertwining fingers. Sign #2. He takes her on a picnic on a wet rock. Sign #3. Conversation evolves into dissecting the cave tour and talking about the chicken. Sign #4. She says city people aren’t really that special. Oh and she says it to the guy from Austin friggin Texas. Sign #5. His eyes light up when she mentions that she ended her last relationship because she “couldn’t see him at the end of the aisle” at her wedding. Sign #6. Was I surprised she didn’t get the rose? Not in the least. So alas, out goes Alli and all of her green clothing. Don’t let the door hit you in that big booty.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Schizo. Schizo who? You know the rest. Who shows up unannounced at THE BACHELOR’S condo to interrogate him about things that are NO business of hers and to map out the order in which her pretend boyfriend needs to send the other girls home? The best part - she mapped them out on his fingers, leaving “the bird” as the last one standing to represent herself. Seriously. Who does that. At least personality 34 was there to save the day with an awkward kiss that clearly triggered his gag reflex.
Weirdest cocktail party ever. All of the chatter, the squirming and the investigating the case of the who-told-Brad-what situation was a bit much. Chantal isn’t back in my good graces yet, so it was a little hard to watch her say those 3 little words to Brad. I was a bit frightened watching the evil gleam radiate from Michelle’s eyes as Brad called her out on her behavior. She oozes insecurity and hatred. WHEN will this ratings Bonanza end so that they will let Brad give her the boot. Pack up her broomstick and be done with her AND her fake tears. Gag! Should I mention the silent game? I’d say Miss Shawntel is a pro at the silent game, considering she works around the most silent crown in the universe. The whole night was just a little...off.
Poor weird-faced Jackie. At least she left gracefully.
Here’s to dreading next week. The rolling around in the sand, the “send me home” speech, drunk Ash. But who can notice all of that when it appears it will take less than 42 minutes for Brad to become shirtless and he may possibly even remain that way! Ahhhh