Sin City, Episode 5

A fun episode. Anything involving Vegas makes my heart go pitter patter. There were some memorable moments in this episode, some I hope to forget in the near future. This week holds its first 2-on-1 date. The most hurtful date of all.

Shawntel got the first one-on-one, “Let’s end the night with a bang.” And let’s begin the night with yet another flying leap into Brad’s arms. I’m guessing that her OCD kicks in every time she sees Brad and MUST surrender to that impulse before she can go on with her life. First stop on the date... the mall! Not just any mall. An upscale mall containing high end stores & boutiques. What woman wouldn’t want a shopping spree with an unlimited budget? To quote one of my favorite movies EVER, I would definitely spend “an obscene amount of money” if I were in Shawntels shoes! Not just profane...REALLY offensive.

The second part of the date consisted of dinner on the rooftop and some interesting conversation. I believe if I were going on a dream date in Vegas on national TV, I would do more than pull my shopping hair back in a messy low pony. Shawntel, take some pride in yourself. I know the corpses are ok with any hairdo you choose, but c’mon - this is Wommack! Over a perfectly pleasant dinner, chit chat took a turn for the worse. Somehow the terms “vain drain” and “leakage” were introduced to unsuspecting viewers...and then elaborated upon. I’m pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little. How can someone be so comfortable chatting it up about the embalming process on a first date? Moving on. The date ended with fireworks, literally. The only sparks I noticed were the ones embellishing the sky. It wouldn’t be a date with Shawntel without that aforementioned compulsion. Yes, the one that lands her in his grasp.

It’s the group date I have dreaded seeing. “Let’s go speed dating.” From the second they stepped foot onto the Las Vegas Motor Speedway, you could see Emily’s unease. It was painful to watch. Thank you Jackie and Lisa for your bleeding hearts. The only two ladies to step to Em’s defense. I was proud to see Brad pull her aside to let her discuss her emotions. I’m not convinced he was oblivious to her feelings, though. Nonetheless, at least he tried to make it easier for her. Seeing her cry inside the car, watching her reliving some excruciating memories, listening to her proclaim that the first few laps were for her deceased husband and the last for herself...too difficult to watch, much less discuss.

Let me preface this paragraph by saying that I know going on that show must spark some intense competition and they want as much time with him as possible. HOWEVER... now to whip out my claws. Alli, HOW DARE YOU disrespect Emily’s situation! Her claim that “we all have problems, we all have issues, we’ve all been through things” followed up with the mean girl statement, “just because somebody comes in with the worst story means they get the most attention??” does not settle well with me. I believe the answer to mean Alli’s last question would be - ABSOLUTELY! In this case, you dang skippy! Infuriated doesn’t begin to express my feelings toward Alli’s rant. Chantal added insult to injury by taking every opportunity she could to whine and cry about the attention Jake gave Em. What is wrong with these women? Emily is defined by that part of her life. She has a child by a man who died as a result of his profession. The racing profession. The very environment she was thrown into by ABC on this date. Thank goodness she got the rose! Off of my soapbox now. Let me end with these words - Alli, I loathe you. Chantal you just bumped yourself way down the list for me. Alli, I loathe you. Oh did I already say that?

Come swing with the King. Something about the very first two-on-one date was just a little dull. I’m a huge fan of Cirque du Soleil, but it makes for an uninteresting Bachelor date. Not much really to say about anything. I mean, what actually happened? Some practice mid-air swinging, Ashley S sitting under a spotlight on the stage reflecting on her time with Brad, a dinner that seemed to transition straight into the dumping. I was truly hoping to lose Ash H, but instead we had to say goodbye to our little Kelly Pickler. Not sure if I’ve ever seen so much crying. “Finding -huh- love is -huh huh huh- really important to -huh sniff- me.” Pull yourself together, sister! Have some dignity. To add insult to injury, ABC makes sure to play Are You Lonesome Tonight as she is being driven off. I suspect she sat in her living room watching this episode with a pint of Cherry Garcia, her wilted first impression rose, and a box of tissues.

Rather than listen to a tedious and verbose conversation between Brad and Dr. Jamie, I decided to spice up the clip with my own dialog. It goes something like this...

Dr. Jamie: How did everything go this week?
Brad: Something truly painful happened. I was forced to wear tight army fatigues and briefs.

Jamie: How did that make you feel?

Brad: Uncomfortable and insecure.

Jamie: What was so uncomfortable about it? Let your feelings out, Brad.

Brad: Well the outfit was tight, and they put a harness on me that smashed my junk.

Jamie: So this reminds you of a time in your past that you thought you’d worked through?

Brad:Yes and it confuses me.

Jamie: Do you think it’s normal to be so confused over this?

Brad: Not normal at all. I thought I’d left that part of my life behind me. In the past, I was confused. I couldn’t commit to boxers or briefs. I wore briefs most of the time and they never really made me feel complete. So I became a boxer guy after extensive therapy. And now THIS. I have been taken back to an extremely gut wrenching part of my life.

Jamie: So you are having flashbacks now?

Brad: Yes and now I’m not sure how to feel. I mean, I know I’ve said I will commit to boxers, but I’m not sure now. The snug feel of the briefs makes me feel so good. I had forgotten the guilty pleasure of that snuggly feeling created by banana hammocks. Dr. Jamie what should I do?

Jamie: I know this will be difficult, but there’s really only one solution. You’re just going to have to give both up and live a commando lifestyle.

Brad: Commando? I hadn’t thought of that. It sounds so liberating. Thank you so much for this!

Jamie: You’re welcome. Now can I get back to my Big Mac?

Brad: You betcha. I’m off to burn everything in my underwear drawer.

It’s just more fun to believe that’s how it went down than to listen to the forced fake therapy being dished out.

Nerves were rampant at the cocktail party. Back to the woe is me thing that Chantal and Alli became experts at this week. Chantal cries and voices her insecurites about Emily again...and again...and again. Really? Don’t voice that crap! Nobody likes a cold-hearted narcissist. Ugh - Alli with her champagne and mini tier cake.Great, Brad. Reward her for her obnoxious juvenile behavior. Brad pointed out the green on the cake being reminiscent of the green dress she wore the first night. Did he also remember she stuck her fanny in his face and that her rack was spilling out the top of the dress? Anyhoo, she felt deserving of that since she was so upset about Emily. ALLI, put on your big girl panties and shut up! The most disturbing part of the night came compliments of Michelle. Sick, twisted, obsessed Michelle. She pulls him in the bedroom, handcuffs him to the bed, and duct tapes his mouth. Not really, but she might as well have. Who tells a grown man NO TALKING?! What the. The thing that happened next left me questioning my eyesight. But my eyes did not deceive. I know because I rewound my DVR and watched it again. She actually physically turned his head toward her by grabbing his cheek when he looked away. She’d have been deserving of a slap in the face, but Brad was too much of a gentlemen. Or was it because the camera would show the proof? After she finished her diatribe about his lack of romantic connections with all other girls, she gives him permission to talk next time they are together. Sweet of her, right? A scene from Misery. A visit to the Bates Motel. Both more appealing than watching that awkward kidnapping scene play out. Keep flying that freak flag, woman! Better secure that loose screw before it falls out.

We bid adieu to Lisa and Marissa. Lisa looked as if she was taking the walk of shame. She couldn’t even face the camera. Marissa let the tears flow, as well. I don’t get it. Why do they cry like they’ve had a death in the family? Didn’t they just meet this guy? And isn’t this guy dating several other women?

Until Costa Rica...


  1. "I suspect she sat in her living room watching this episode with a pint of Cherry Garcia, her wilted first impression rose, and a box of tissues."Too funny!

  2. LOL Amy! I thought the same thing. Loved that mental picture, Michelle!


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