Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, Episode 7
Spoiler Alert....... SHE’S GONE! Finally! Cruella kicked Dorothy’s house off of herself, reclaimed her ruby slippers, jumped on her broomstick and went back to Utah. Woohoo
Em. She gets a deserted island date...and another picnic. Could that date BEEEE more romantic?! But seriously, another heli ride? How about a boat? Ok ok I’ll let it go. The conversation and the affection were so beautiful. But she can do no wrong in my eyes, so she could probably break wind in the middle of the date and I would likely think it was cute. I was pleasantly surprised to see that their dinner conversation wasn’t as heartbreaking as last week’s previews made it appear. I felt like all was right with the world when he told her she WOULD get a rose and they had the perfect kiss standing in the waves. Prelude to the finale? One can only hope.
Date number two. Oh yeah, there are other girls there. I forget.
Shawntel the vain drainer. Bless her heart...she may have gotten a picnic, but it was in a pasture surrounded by goats. GOATS. Brad! Really? So then it appears that dinner is going the way of romance, but then - dinner with Brad... and 40 island natives! I’m feeling a prelude to a trip home. Off topic, ladies and gentlemen we have a new record... 37 seconds! A topless Brad. We also saw a really cute bikini courtesy of Shawntel. Unfortunately we also so her oversized tramp stamp. Eye popping bulls eye on her back.
Little tiny Britt and her 12 year old bod finally get a one-on-one. I’m super duper digging the yacht pickup. Britt and Brad seem to have chemistry...in a buddy kind of way. Hey friend, let’s go cliff jumping and then sit 3 feet away from one another on a romantic secluded beach. And then we can sit and have a dinner devoid of any romantic feelings or intriguing conversation. He actually uttered the words, “nice night.” Cricket cricket. Making her crawl into a lifeboat waving goodbye was quite the touch. She’ll never let go, Jack. She’ll never let go.
Probably the most uncomfortable group date of the whole season. Rise & shine! Never mind the squinty eyes and morning breath. They are about to do something that “millions of women” dream about doing. As they are being prepped for their SI photo shoot, I just loved Ash’s cheerleader move with with the words, “no boobs.” Chantal canNOT say the same. Brad sneaks a peek of her taking her top off while trying to pretend he doesn’t want to look. It’s as if you can almost hear his mental monologue. Look away - but I see boobies - look away man - I don’t want to - ok but at least pretend to look away. Real sly. This day was 3 for 3 in the awkward conversation category. I gotta say - is Michelle SOO stupid that she honestly feels it’s ok to be cranky with a man who has other girls treating him like a king? None of these 3 girls have even figured out that the key is to focus on her own relationship and winning Brad’s affection, rather than bringing up insecurities about other girls. And for the love of God STOP CRYING anytime Brad shows attention to another girl. I’m waiting for a day when a Bachelor will immediately honor all requests to “send me home.” We allllll know that’s a bluff. So irritating!
The fact that Brad chose to forego the cocktail party says A LOT. I had just one moment in my head where I felt Chantal could possibly go home. Afterall, she did act a fool beside the pool. However at the end of the day, I knew that it was about to be Michelle’s time. I felt it coming. My heart started to go pitter patter.
The stage was set. There it came. The long walk to the rose ceremony area. The intense nervousness (except for Em of course). The order of the roses painted a picture. We all saw the first rose coming. Brad disclosed his own spoiler alert on their date. And it was a little predictable Shawntel would be next because the other 2 created so much drama during the group date. At this point I think everyone watching kneewwwww. It was finally the moment everyone had been awaiting. No, Chantal isn’t my favorite, but Michelle - now she’s a piece of work! It was time. The final rose was like a slow motion video. Chantal, will you accept this rose so I can get this psycho out of my presence? Well, maybe it didn’t happen exactly that way but you get the picture. And with a muffled and emotional “gladly,” it was over. I suspect viewers everywhere let out a collective resounding sigh of relief. In the meantime, 42 different women were fighting amongst themselves inside Michelle’s twisted mind. Those eyes. Those evil eyes. She immediately transitioned into her newest identity, the silent one. This one’s my favorite! Finally, a personality I can get on board with. He asked to hold her hand and all she says is, “ummm probably not.” He asked if she wanted to talk and only received a simple reply...”no.” Like the rest of us, I think Brad was expecting a lot more. The exorcist waiting in the wings was a bit disappointed, but I for one was ecstatic. And how can a silent limo ride be so entertaining? Well other than a couple of moans, it was silent. The bizarre way she laid down in the back seat. Can someone check her pulse? Bet she doesn’t show up for The Women Tell All episode. Betcha!
Who else noticed that as Brad made his journey back to the beach, we saw a little hop in his step. I truly believe somewhere on the cutting room floor is a cartwheel. I also noticed a bit of a man glow. Ahhh we can all breathe now. Ding dong the witch is dead.
Next week...I see dead people.