Episode 4, Double The D-Bag

After seven days of waiting, it’s that time of the week again. Many times I’ve pondered what will take place on this episode! The promise of drama has kept me intrigued. Not only did we get drama but we also learned a few things:

• Ryan is deep
• Blue knee socks match nothing
• Being metrosexual isn't always a good thing
• Doug curses like a truck driver

As he does each week, Harrison calls the men to the courtyard to explain the dates for the week. Three dates: a one-on-one, a group date, and my personal fave...a two-on-one date! YESSSS. I love these. Fellas, pack your bags. Say goodbye to Charlotte. We are headed to Bermuda. Party on.

Precious Ricki is along for the ride, of course. Emily is excited about the atmosphere, the turquoise waters, the colorful buildings, the hope for a future rendezvous back there with a baby bump, beach makeout sessions, all the good stuff. The guys are excited about their scooters. And also about that AH-MAAAAZ-ING suite they are shacked up in. The date card arrives and our adorable trickster Arie fools the guys into thinking it’s him again - but alas, the date card does not go to the fan favorite. Doug, let our senses lead the way. I wasn’t aware of Doug’s issues with Tourette’s. Were you? The other guys were just trying to have a bleepin’ conversation about the bleepin’ date and Doug opens up his bleepin’ arsenal of bleeps. And then he gets bleepin’ grouchy because the guys are messing with him about his bleepin' nerves. Chill out, Doug. It’s just a bleepin’ joke. Thanks, Arie, for the bleepin’ entertainment. Right on.

What was the most eventful part of the first half of this date? Was it the little glass turtle wearing a Santa hat? The rum cake? The perfumery? The postcard? The moongate wishing? Alex, I’ll take rum cake for $800.

The guys sit and wait for the next date card. Let’s set sail on the sea of love: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon. That leaves Nate, Wolf, Alejandro and long-haired Michael. I vote for Michael to go home.

It’s dinner time for Doug and Ems. Let’s hope this date gets a little more exciting. She starts to grill him about his too-good-to-be-true stories. She wants to hear something juicy and exciting. All the while, the biggest flaw she named is going in public in her PJs. Oooo La La Ems, so risqué. Somehow, I’m thinking she probably rocks the PJs though. So Doug sits licking his lips, referring to himself in the third person, and waiting for a subliminal message that says kiss me now. No such luck. But oh well, he gets the bleepin’ rose anyhow.

The weather is beautiful, and so is Ems, on this day of group dating. Thankfully, Kalon is in his element. He’s so happy about this date he might actually let Ems finish a sentence. Success! Ryan’s hair is particularly puffy today, and he doesn’t know jack squat about sailing. Maybe the great Kalon will teach him. The captain lets them know it’s time to strap on their big girl sailing panties because the losers go back to the resort while the winners get more time with Ems. Sean is ready. He feels confident because of his ability to throw around the pigskin.

Speaking of guys at the resort, Doug talks smack about the guys on the date. Uh ohhhh we may have found a flaw. The final date card arrives. Wolf and Nate, let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle. Dang it!

Back at sea, we have on the red team: Travis, Sean, Charlie and Chris. And on the yellow team: Arie, Jef, Ryan and Kalon. Jeez, I want to root for Arie and Jef but I don’t want to see Kalon get time with her. Then again, every time he gets a minute with her he shoots himself in the foot. TEAM YELLOW! I gotta say, as difficult as sailing looks, it also looks like lots of fun! Note to self...add sailing to bucket list....work out first. Yellow gets the win. Sorry, Charlie. Literally. Red team takes their walk of shame while yellow celebrates. In the van ride back, was Charlie really crying? Real men cry. But real men do NOT cry because they lose a sailing competition in week 4 of a reality TV show.

Evening falls on the yellow team’s time with Ems. Puff makes a comment about a trophy wife. He is really bleeping me off. Arie steals her away for some romance on the beach and one of his sweet kisses. Then she takes some time with Jef to sit by a beach bonfire. Something about the Bermuda air turned Jef’s lovely Chris Issac/Robin Thicke locks into more of a poor man’s Harry Connick Jr. ‘do. Nonetheless, still a cutie! By the by, is she sitting on a box or is he smaller than I thought? And why was he awkward about their alone time on the beach?

We don’t get much in the way of conversation with Kalon. My guess is she didn’t give him more than 90 seconds of her time. You go girl. And finally, Puff gets his turn to tell her how deep he is. He’s great, not good. He’s mature. He doesn’t want to impress, but instead wants to make an impression upon her.

Dear readers, please excuse me while I answer the call of my gag reflex.

Ok, all better now. Anyhoo, back to Puff’s student council speech. Wow, I really am finding it almost impossible to listen to his incessant barrage of empty compliments and theological wisdom. I mean, God does design trophy wives, right? Puff obviously sits on the front pew every Sunday. Thank you, Brother Puff. And FOR THE RECORD, I didn’t see any producers using force to make Puff or anyone else watch as Ems kissed Arie last week. Just sayin. Anyway, cute Jef gets the rose. Finally, fireworks at the right time. They were a bit ill-timed at Shining mansion, but perfectly timed this week.

Nate and Wolf meet up with Ems on a really fantastic yacht for a fun day on the water. Both seem to be a bag of nerves.

Back at testosterone ponderosa, the guys get into a debate about age and maturity level. Chris obviously doesn’t appreciate the implication that a 25 year old is still wet behind the ears. Can’t say that I blame him. I do agree that this is some tired subject matter. I personally know a few teenagers with more maturity than some forty-somethings out there. #TamraBarney #VickiGunvalson

Ems takes her boys to the top of a cliff to jump off. The boys “lovingly” watch as she disrobes down to her bikini and her flat belly and her perfect curves. Seriously. That perfection should be against the law.

The evening finds them doing dinner in a remote cave with terrible acoustics and dripping water. What has happened to budget this year. Nate finally gets his alone time. In talking about his family, he gets emotional and choked up. There must be something in the Bermuda breeze that brings out femininity in these strapping young men.

Wolf is a little more outspoken when articulating his thoughts. Women like a man who isn’t afraid to have a conversation and put things out there. Which is probably a large part of the reason he got the rose.

What’s up with Ems pulling off the pant jumper? It takes a special person to get away with wearing something like that, but she did it. With flying colors.

At the cocktail party, Alejandro finally got some alone time with our bachelorette. He really wants the rose. Ok, I do love me some Jef but Houston we have a problem. WHAT - IS - UP with the khaki shorts and tall blue socks! Good thing he already has a rose! But that doesn’t even come close to being as hideous as Puff’s ludicrous cheeseball lines. I was a little shocked that he questioned her worthiness. Arie steals her away and she is none too displeased. Meanwhile, Puff rambles on in front of the fire about how this is his opportunity to get his 15 minutes of fame. To be the bachelor of Augusta. To show the world what a catch he is. To locate a hair dresser who can do something with that hideous puff of hair on his head.

Oh dear, here comes that gag reflex problem again.

Sean gets her alone next. Despite his creepy flesh-colored eyebrows he is growing on me. He gives her a borderline creepy kiss. Would’ve been nice if he’d have kept his tongue hidden from the cameras but whatever.

Chris is next. Bringing on the drama is how he begins. History has shown us that this is not normally a wise move. At least he didn’t name names. However he did go straight to Doug to talk it out in what came to be the weirdest conversation ever. From my perspective, Doug was being condescending and using that opportunity to further his immaturity theory rather than taking the mature approach and actually listening to what Chris had to say. Ok, I see something new. Doug is a game player. If something seems too good to be true, it is. Last week I ignored my initial instincts but this week I’m giving in to my gut. Team Chris!

Harrison sits in the parlor with Ems and discusses her feelings toward the guys. She’s giddy at the thought of Arie. No surprise. She’s not feeling it with Alejandro. Also no surprise. But best of all, she isn’t being fooled by Puff the magic dragon.

Time for this week’s rose ceremony. Recipients include:

Sean - Saw that one coming. Spice up your kissing, dude.

Arie - Still my number one!

Travis - Who? Without Shelly, he lost his identity.

Chris - Moving up my list.

Ryan - I predict trouble next week!

Kalon - Where was he this week?

Alejandro - Head-scratcher.

I get why long-hair is leaving, but Charlie? Surprising. They both cry in their closing interviews. What is with these saps?

My new ranking:

1. Arie

2. Jef

3. Chris

4. Sean

5. Wolf

6. Travis

7. Doug

8. Alejandro

9. Kalon

10. Ryan

Notice how drastically Doug fell. Notice how someone actually slipped below Kalon. It takes a special person to become a bottom feeder below Kalon.

Next week - jolly ol’ London, England, chaps. I see some chemistry between Ems and Sean. Too bad Biology teacher Aaron didn't make it long enough to give that lesson! Also, the drama continues. It’s a moment viewers have waited for since the sneak previews on episode one. The get the bleep out moment. Who will it be? Producers want us to think it’s not Ryan, but I have no doubt that it IS. No doubt whatsoever. They’ll attempt to have us think it could be Arie, but no way. He’d never say that. A betting person would put a hundred dollar bill on Puff right this minute. Either way I can’t wait for it to play out next week!

Until then, readers. I leave you with the puff. Seriously what's wrong with this d-bag's hair...