Anyhoo, so that was the plan. Anyone who has ever done even the smallest of home improvements knows that you don't schedule it around other things... you schedule other things AROUND IT. Needless to say, I watched not a second of Bachelorette last night, but by golly my walls are painted and my bedroom is closer to the intended end result. Success.
As I sit here, weary and exhausted from a very long Monday and a late Monday night, I can't help but notice that our first visions of Croatia include a couple of smelly little chicken house cats. Not exactly the most exotic of attractions. Why THAT is what I noticed, I guess I'll never know. Nonetheless, they could've found something more interesting to film.
Little Ricki has gone back to Charlotte while Ems finishes her journey with the guys. Could this have something to do with the whole baggage drama? Does she just not want her baby girl traveling anymore? Is it time to get back in the classroom? I'm a little stumped.
On to our Croatian stop on this interesting globe-trotting voyage. The boys seem mighty impressed with their mod suite du jour. I am too. Ems shows up to talk about the dates and to leave the first date card. Where the heck is Harrison? Did he stay behind to personally escort the luxury brand consultant back to Texas where everything is bigger, including Kalon's ego. Did he come down with a heinous case of the trots after eating a bad English muffin. Did he dump Ems to stay in London and follow Pippa around asking her how she feels about everything.
Travis gets the date card. Let's look for love beyond the walls. He goes to change clothes and we see what's been hiding underneath his button ups. Not bad, Trav. How would Shelly feel about this, may she rest in peace. I find it interesting that when Trav meets up with Ems he tells her how pretty she looks. But wait. Didn't he JUST see her 10 minutes prior to that? Literally. She's wearing the same thing she was when she handed him that date card. Oh goodness, the paint fumes have made me cranky. Carry on.
Ems is taking Trav to Old City Dubrovnik. Travis is perfect for this date because it's not West Virginia and it ain't Mississippi y'all. What? No Shakespeare like they do it back home in the magnolia state? As they peruse the city, souvenirs in hand - well, until the souvenirs mysteriously disappear post-gelato - Ems gives a history lesson and is highly disappointed that he didn't take his shirt off. Wendy, is that you disguised as Emily? She drops one little F-bomb and suddenly she sho'nuff proudly displays her hood rat for the world to see. Go girl.
Back at the guys' swanky pad, they discuss Travis. One question, though. Ryan. What the heck was he wearing. He clearly raided his 10 year old niece's closet before he came. Cute shirt, man. Plus his poof is extra-teased today. Disturbing.
"Dontcha like my baby tee, guys. I rock it, dontcha think? I don't think ole Trav is coming home. Emily wants a bad boy. Yeah girl. You know I got that bad boy thing going on. Where was I? Oh yeah. I have an edge like a razor. I used to be a mean man football player, you know, back when I was a younger version of the douche bag I am today. Man have I come a long way. I love me. So much. Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah. I miss the old me. The old me that made women love me. I mean really. Every single girl in my middle school loved me, dawg. I was DA MAN. What changed. Ems won't fall for anything I say. And my hair won't lay down. What's happening? My insecurity is showing. Is Dr. Jamie still on the show? I need to talk."
Rejoining Trav's long-awaited date. He hasn't seen this much action since Shelly. He's so nervous that it has caused him to go all serious on us. He declares his love for the fun day they have had...and he did it without humor. Fail. Bring back funny Trav. He also says he hasn't done anything like this since he was engaged. Screeeeech. Back the ostrich truck up. Engaged? How did this slide beneath my radar? Ems questions him a little about it. He claims he has had zero action since that engagement went bust...two years ago. TWO YEARS! I call bull****. A man cannot go two years without, ummm, dates. He's either a big fat liar, or he's scratching the inside of a closet door. I've got my eye on you, Trav. For now, tell us a joke. I miss your humor.
Knock knock. Who's there? Date card. Date card who? That's all I have. Sorry. Trav is the funny one, here. Don't judge. The card reads: Lasting love requires bravery. Wolf, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie. That leaves Ryan for the final one-on-one.
"My heart is beating out of my chest. I can manipulate any dating situation I want to. Dude, I know how to get the girl. I may sound arrogant, but....well let's be honest. I AM arrogant. And it works for me. Because I'm trouble, people. Women love trouble. I wasn't exaggerating before. Every single middle school girl! Every last one of them, yo. Plus I have big feet. Unfortunately, that's it. Big feet. Really small hands, really small brain, really small...... wait, where's Dr. Jamie again!"
Back at Dubrovnik, poor Trav does not get the rose. I think he was a little crushed. I must say, I'm surprised. He tosses aside his umbrella, sobs over the rejection and shows us a softer side of himself. Poor Trav. Maybe he can go back home and find himself. Best of luck, buddy. Maybe Shelly has a sister...or a brother. Still not certain which he prefers. Makes no diff to me, though. He's a cool guy!
Ems sure stacked this group date full of hunkalicious lip-smacking eye candy. And what does she do with them? She takes them to Statler and Waldorf's balcony to watch a Disney movie. Twenty bucks says they were all creating double entendres out of every line of the movie just to entertain themselves. Then.... Just as I was thinking Emily Maynard how could make these guys get dressed up in costume, they began undressing. Emily Maynard, you evil genious, you. It's not enough to make them watch a cartoon, or to make them wear matching kilts, she also wanted to see them ride a bunch of
First Highland game: Archery. Ems gives a stellar performance in her cute little scottish skirt. The guys don't do so shabby, themselves... ummm except for Chris. He didn't hold his butt quite right, I guess.
Next game: Log throwing. Chris steps up. He tries his hardest not to stick his butt out and in the process, loses focus. He drops his log. Speaking of double entendres. Stop it, Michelle. Dougie Doug has quite the physique. Poor Jef. He wasn't able to roll his log over either. [says as she snickers] Sean did so well he actually BROKE his wood. I said wood. I'm on a roll. Another nice physique to look at, though.
Game 3: Something that sounded like maid leash. But for all intents and purposes, I'll call it tug of war. Chris gets to choose his partner. He chooses Doug. Hmm. Would be a confusing pick if not for the drama that has been stirring between them. Chris wanted a chance to one-up our hunky Dad. No such luck. Sweet mother of all biceps and triceps, Dougie does NOT neglect his arms in the gym, folks. Sean over powers Wolf AND Doug. He may have won the games, but Chris got the bravery cup. Chris may not be the most athletic or powerful one in the bunch, but I'm still a fan.
Emily, whoa baby, that dress. That beautiful, backless, sparkly, black dress. And those amazing black stilettos. But what the heck is in between? Black pantyhose? Black tights? Black leggings? Girl, c'mon. What happened to your judgment.
Sean gets her alone and continually moistens his lips just waiting on a kiss. I also notice that the Croatian sun seems to have actually lightened up those brows. Didn't know that was possible. Arie issues an apology for London. She is more than forgiving of course. I mean, it's Arie. They stroll along taking their sweet time getting back. And just then, he pushes her up against the wall and lays a kiss on her that only Arie can get away with. That guy. Oh boy. If his kisses don't make Ems have impure thoughts, she has no libido. I can't even take it. I need to look away. Look away, Michelle, just look away.
D-bag finally gets his date card. The world is our oyster.
"Yo man. My date card says oysters. You know what's in oysters? Pearls. That's what. Hmm. I feel compelled to get her a necklace. Eh eh eh eh y'no'wut'umm'saynnn. Man I'm cool. And I'm such a perfectionist. Every morning I look in the morning and ask myself who do you want to be today. And then I pat myself on the back and practice my lame lines. Dude I'm so hott. I can get women. You hear me? I can GET 'EM! I'm not a loser. Who called me a loser? Michelle did? Well that's because she knows my type. She knows I'm an insecure pathetic arrogant astardbay who needs a reality check. Dr. Jamie, help!!"
Jef sneaks her off alone. He really is so sweet. Does he use the word like that much when he talks to other people, or does Ems just make him nervous? We've got to work on that, Jef. His kisses are sweet but, bless his heart, a far cry from Arie's. Oh well, she wastes no time playing tonsil hockey with him so it must not be that bad. Mr. Bravery gets her alone and tells her she is the one. He can totally fall in love with her if she will let him. This, along with a great day, earns him the rose of bravery. He gives her a kiss that falls obscenely short of passionate. Step up your game, brother. You best be brave enough to swap slobbers if you want to stay in the game!
Ryan gets ready for his date. He shaves his face while shirtless. I have no objections to that. Almost makes ya forget what a tool he is. Not quite, though. It's just nice to see him without that hideous poof on top of his head. Emily arrives to pick him up.
Ryan: Hey girl. What's crackin? Hey that gives me an idea. Never mind. I'll save that line for later. What'cha gonna do today?
Ems: You will soon see.
Ryan: Yeah girl. The world is our pearl. Oops, Freudian slip there darlin. It's our oyster. But I KNOW you gon' see a pearl before it's over with hehe. I crack myself up. I always see the good in things. The cup is half full, girl.
Ems: You do see the good in things.
Ryan: I know there's a pearl in there.
Ems: You think so.
Ryan: Yeah girl. There's a pearl. Ready to go necklace shopping?
Arie: Shoot me now.
Michelle: Shoot me now.
Ems: You got all the lines, lame-o.
Ryan: Ohhh yeah girl I'm just gettin' started.
Ems: Let's blow this pop stand before everyone pukes.
The universe is looking out for me. No vehicle could've been more perfect for him to be stuck driving. Small brain, small hands, small car. Enough said.
After taking some pictures of the "beautiful" landscape (i.e. Emily's rack), he drives them to their destination. He is a little shocked to see that oystering wasn't an inuendo. All this time, he had his eye on the prize. The pearl. The necklace shopping. You know. But as he realizes they'll be eating the oysters, he throws the word aphrodisiac out there. He also throws around the term trophy wife. Dude. Really. Stop it. This guy seriously needs a kick in the crotch.
Emily looking stunning in her gold evening gown, and Ryan even threw on a suit for dinner. Million dollar question: what's with the shoes that look like surgical booties. What would Ames say? Ryan doesn't need cool shoes, though. His swag makes up for his fashion faux pas. And so does his poetry. Top 12 qualities Ryan wants to find in a woman:
1. Loyal. Someone to grab my can through good or bad.
2. Logical. Someone who realizes I'm the shiznit.
3. Naive. Someone to fall for all of my lame cheesy lines.
4. Encourager. Always lifts me up and carries me to the dungeon.
5. Faithful. Someone to sit home while I go chase dumb women.
6. Nurturer. Someone not afraid to massage my freshly shaven legs.
7. Confident. Somebody that loves to laugh. And not just at my small... hands.
8. Assertive. Not afraid to tie me up.
9. Unselfish. Someone who will share her BFF with me...or at least a sister.
10.Beautiful. Sexy personality and nice knockers.
11. Magnetic. Somebody people are drawn to. You know, like a trophy.
12. Loves to catch my eye. See how I did that in bold. I'm so cool with my word processing skills.
Emily's not feeling this David Letterman list. Rose looming, he gives her a couple of winks and a grin, and sits confidently knowing he is about to receive the rose. But in a "shocking" - shocking only to Ryan - twist, she does not give him the rose. He is shocked because he never got the chance to prove his growth. Oops, another one of those double entendres. Sleep deprivation throws my mind straight into the gutter. He practically begs for the rose. Emily hesitates. The guys sit back at the house and take bets on it. Arie threatens to enlighten Ems on the wicked wiles of Ryan. I reminisce about Ashley and Bentley. Ems doesn't change her mind. Ryan does not get the rose. Take your turquoise shoes on outta here, sonnnn. Back to the peach state to surf eBay for some self-help audio books.
"The guys must be shocked I'm not coming back [he says as the guys chest bump and cheer]. I'm shocked. I hate rejection. I never got rejected in middle school. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. Winning. Ya fools. Hey, I wonder if Courtney is single yet. Peace out, uglies. Oh, and will y'all please leave the bad stuff on the cutting room floor? The last thing I need is to be portrayed as an arrogant a**."
In moving on, I'm curious at this point what the drama will be about. Ryan's gone. Kalon's gone. What could this be about. The previews we saw last week. I'm on the edge of my seat as the show moves into its final minutes.
Arie goes to see Ems. He wants to disclose some things about Ryan to make her feel better about her decision to send him home. She couldn't wait to talk about it all upstairs in her bed. Because that's where most serious conversations go down. Right? Of course it doesn't take long for round 2 of tonsil hockey to begin. I honestly feel like, by watching this, I'm interrupting a married couple on their wedding night. Look away, Michelle. Just look away.
Time to hand out some roses to some very willing bachelors. Emily Maynard and her gorgeous wardrobe. Good golly that white dress is stunning. And the plunging cutout back... just an added bonus. And in case you're wondering, my girl Carrie Underwood wore that dress to the Grammy's. I've compared these two women before. Both beautiful. Both elegant. Both ladylike. Both graceful. Both confident. Both worthy of high praise.
Wolf gets some much needed alone time with our bachelorette. He proceeds to reveal what he carries in his wallet. No, not that! Cards from his grandparents' funerals. We see an emotional side of our St. Louis boy. What happened. Admittedly I've grown more fond of him gradually. However, this side of him is very sexy. It's like a switch flipped. Maybe it's because of how I feel about my grandparents. Maybe it's because of the relationship my husband had with his late grandpa. Whatever it is, Jon the Wolf just became a little more attractive.
Dougie Doug gets his alone time, too. He is like a scared little puppy. She called him self-deprecating. Uh-ohhh. She has no idea that exact term lit his fire last week. Irony, anyone? In his interview, he tells how he feels like he's taken a step back. He talks about his son and gets choked up. And then it's like he starts looking for a way out of that room. Like when an earthworm gets trapped on a sidewalk and squirms around trying to figure out where to go. That's Doug. I'm beginning to wonder about his downstairs mixup.
Harrison finally shows up. Seriously, where have you been, man. Time to find out who's going to get a rose and who's going to follow Trav and Ryan back to the states.
Sean - Well of course!
Jef - Two for two.
Arie - Oh, my love.
Here's where it gets sticky. Your guess is as good as mine!
She walks out, rose in hand. She tells Chris she's having a tough time. She doesn't want to give it away. She gives Harrison the rose. My heart sank. She goes back in to tell the guys she can't hand out the final rose. Just as I got emotional, Harrison walks in with not one, but TWO roses. Two, my friends! I literally got butterflies. I was happy they'd both be staying. Regardless of the things I said about Doug, I want to see something blossom just to see more of him. Something real! Aww this was a happy ending. Good riddance, Ryan!
Next week, Prague. Oh dear, talk about exotic locations. Watch for celebrities! And fireworks. Library makeout sessions. Chemistry. Chris crying. Arie's skeleton. Wait, what?! Arie? What is this? Please tell me it's not as big a deal as it seems. Please tell me she's just being jealous about something insignificant. Please oh please. I can't take Arie drama. If he gets the boot, I vote Arie for Bachelor! Shoot, I vote Arie for President! It's a figure of speech, politically-charged readers. I mean no disrespect to the leader of our nation, or to past and future leaders of our nation. That said, Arie for President!
Until next week, friends!