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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Awww Nawww Gurrrrrl...Hold My Urrrrrings!


Hats off to Emily flippin’ Maynard, yo! Not only was I ready for this one to happen, but she did it with swag! And boy was it fantastic. But that’s a story for later.
In true Emily style, the show begins with little Ricki on a tour of London. Then the guys gather in Trafalgar Square. Harrison was looking quite dapper in his purple scarf. Once again, he explains the date situation. Three dates, yada yada yada, if you do not receive a rose you’re outta here. Get ready guys, you’re in for some jolly old fun!
First date card: Sean, love takes no prisoners. The others are a little jealous. Kalon is a lot jealous. Sean couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks. He’s off to ride a double decker bus to a remix of Rule Brittania, all before some super fun sight seeing with Ems. All in all a pretty fun day. Not much to write about, though.
Back at the pad, Arie and Jef have a chat with Kalon, and to talk about the fact that they are sitting at that table rather than on a date with Ems. Kalon proudly displays his disdain for the situation. He makes a terrible statement about every date being a group date with Ricki along. Who does this guy think he is! Seriously. Who? It is fitting that he is in the land of royalty because he is a King. The King of D-bags! Just an FYI...here is an excerpt from an article talking about Kalon's Mom. Proof that the apple doesn't fall very far...

"I actually thought it was hilarious what he said about life with Emily being a non-stop group date," she [Kalon's Mom] laughs. "It's such a classic Kalonism — funny, clever and very real."
Wow. Talk about shallow gene pool.

Ems is losing her voice. I’m getting a Jillian Harris vibe from the raspy thing she has going on. Dinner time at the Tower of London. Apparently, King Henry VIII lived in this old tower and beheaded a couple of his wives there. Granted, I’m not very well-versed in history such as this, and I don’t know much about the lineage of English royalty, but the romance and charm of this are lost on me. I don’t get the appeal. But then again, I’m just a semi-country girl from small town USA. Nonetheless, they clearly did not mind any of that. They found romance in a dungeon. As well as the ghost of Scooby Doo and some bat poo.
Date card #2: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, Wolf, Kalon. Needless to say, Kalon isn’t pleased. He thinks nothing smells like a rose and everything smells like [insert expletive for dung].
Ems wraps up the night by giving Sean a rose. As he licks his lips and undoubtedly wipes the sweat from his creepy flesh-colored brow, he sneaks in some lip action.
Stratford Upon Avon. The location where raw talent is displayed. A sidewalk production of Romeo and Juliet, compliments of...these guys. When the news first broke, Arie about swallowed his tongue at the thought of reciting lines to a play that most menly men don’t know a thing about. The auditions begin. Travis goes first. I must say, now that Shelly has passed, may she rest in peace, ole Trav has a bit of appeal. Not so much physical charm, but this guy has a sense of humor. I’m ALL about the humor. Anyone who can laugh, especially at themselves, scores major points with this girl. His performance cracked me up. Thankfully, Kalon got one of the Romeo roles. After all, he was born to play this role! Quite the thespian, that Kalon. Arie and Doug get roles as nurses. This oughtta be good. Ryan is just pumped he gets to kiss Juliet. Because the most romantic place to share a first kiss is laying on the sidewalk in front of a bunch of dudes and random on-lookers. Score! But the show must go on.
During rehearsals, Arie experienced a mild stroke as he recited words such as jaunt, aweary and poultice. Annnnd scene. Did anyone else know that Shakespeare is huge in Madison, Mississippi? See what I mean about Travis. Humor kills. Kalon, on the other hand, just kills. Kills my soul. But you gotta give the guy props for taking it so seriously. I mean, c’mon, the quickest way to a Bachelorette’s heart is through an off off off off Broadway theatrical piece. It’s good he realizes the importance of a good performance. You go boy. In case it is not detectable, you may feel free to insert a great amount of sarcasm in the previous statements. Did he really shoo her away? Did he tell her to run along? I rewound to make sure I heard that correctly. If you are keeping count on how many times I say the words WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, you can add another tally mark. Who? Really. WHO!
The performances ensue. The boys find out there will be a live audience. A couple of them peed their pants, the rest of them asked for a shot of liquid courage because of frayed nerves - except the great Kalon. He wasn’t nervous at all. Remember, he was born to play this part.
The play has lots of sword fighting. Irony, anyone? Kalon seems to be vying for an award. The rest of the guys are having fun. Travis got the raw end of the deal on footwear. Someone in wardrobe thought it would be funny to stick some turquoise cowboy boots on this guy purely for their own amusement. I would like to thank them for picking out the most horrid bubble skirt for Ryan the d-bag to wear...oh and the weird ankle boots, well that’s just an added bonus. He’s just glad he finally got to kiss Ems...twice. Yo Ryan, thou-est suck. And the Tony goes to........ nurse Arie! Sorry, Kalon.
Performances are over and it’s time to chill at the pub. Ems finds herself alone with Arie again. Coincidence? I think not. But that pales in comparison to Casanova (or shall I say Romeo), because he has a plan. A solid plan to close the curtains.
Ems: You are trouble.
Ryan: Yeah girl. I see you smilin'. You know you wanna get in trouble.
Ems: You are rotten.
Ryan: Yeah girl. You know you like it.
Ems: It’s kinda dark in here.
Ryan: Yeah girl. It’s kinda dark in my pants too.
Ems: Dude.
Ryan: Oh I AM a dude. I got somethin’ in my pocket for you. And I’m happy to see you, too.
Ems: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down.
Ryan: Don’t worry girl. It’s just a necklace. It matches the handcuffs in my other pocket.
Ems: Thanks. I love it.
Ryan: Ohhh yeah girl, you ARE gonna love it! [insert cheesy wink here]
Ems: Ok well I’m gettin’ creeped out. Can we leave?
Ryan: Yeah girl. Let’s go back to my place.
Ems: Chris Harrison! Where’s Chris Harrison? Help.
Ryan: Ménage à trois? Yes please.
Kalon sits on the leather couch seething over the fact that he hasn’t had a moment alone with her yet. Her, meaning an exhausted, sick, mother who has a child waiting on her. WHO does he... you know the rest. And in this moment, the cat is let out of the bag.  Or in this case, the BAGgage. I gotta say...I thought the culprit was going to be Ryan. I guess he’s too worried about his game to say something like that. Kalon, on the other hand, isn’t afraid to go there. Clearly, he has spent his life getting his way. He is still a 6 year old boy crying because he got Cocoa Pebbles instead of Cocoa Puffs. As I said, KING of the d-bags. So anyway, the guys start discussing Kalon as he stands outside and stews in his immaturity. Leave it to Doug to confront him. We know Ryan’s not going to because he’s “not worried about other folks.” Loser. Good thing we have a Dad on hand to set this straight. I do think Doug has a shady side, but one thing Doug is never shady about is his devotion to parenthood. I applaud his loyalty to Emily as a mother. So Doug confronts Kalon. Shockingly, he doesn’t deny it. Doug goes to bat. He tells Ems. She wants to rip off Kalon’s limbs and beat him with them. She's gonna take a ride on the disco stick. Then she’s gonna go all West Virginia hood-rat backwoods on his A! You go girl. Nobody messes with Mama-bear! She asks Kalon if he has anything to say for himself. Of course he does. An attempt at justification for his statement. She begins her defense. He interrupts. And in the second most beautiful moment in any Bachelorette season, history repeats itself. Kalon gets a taste of his own medicine. “Let me talk! I love to hear you talk...but not until I’m done. I got that line from you!” Ohhhh ma’gosh. Ouch. I literally felt butterflies in my stomach. She gives him one last chance to redeem himself, but he has nothing. Annnnddddd in the category of MOST beautiful moment in Bachelorette history, Ems turns off her Southern girl je ne sais quoi and tells Kalon to GET THE BLEEP OUT! Let it be known that this is not an endorsement of profanity. But let it also be known that she is my hero. Team Emily. Yo, douche bag. Go back to Texas where you are more likely to find one or two people who can tolerate your sorry a**!
Whew. Now that THAT drama is over, time for the final one-on-one. But not before some Ricki time. For the record, I’m digging the hot pink bedspread. Don’t judge.
Jef and Ems head off for afternoon tea and etiquette lessons with Jean Brooksmith. They learn about tea and spouts and scones and a bunch of other crap nobody cares about. I have a feeling even the lovely Kate Middleton would scoff at this lady. Jean saunters off to visit the loo. Ems and Jef make a mad dash out of there to hit the Bell & Crown restaurant for a couple of pints and some fish’n’chips....foregoing the PB&J with crust. Jef brings up the Kalon topic. I assume to get it out of the way, but still...buzzkill. He elaborates a little more on things Kalon had said. I am left wondering that familiar question....WHO?! I have the answer. God. That’s who he thinks he is. I still would have loved to see her take those earrings off and go all West Virginia on his perfectly starched, loafer-wearing, metrosexual, yuppie a**.
On to better things. Jef. Sweet Jef with one F. I do believe he’s winning her over. He won me over a long time ago. I don’t see her picking him in the end, but I think he’ll survive a few more rose ceremonies with his boyish good looks, his charm and his fabulous hair.
On to the London Eye. Romance transpires. He also lets her know he is impressed with her unabashed willingness to tell a guy to get the bleep out. Can you imagine how THAT conversation went down in the house last night when the pub crowd was telling Sean and Jef about the scene?
And then, and then, and then....she totally dropped the F bomb, and I was all like huhhhh.
What? Dude are you serious?
Yeah, dead serious man. She said it.
That is so freakin’ boss.
Yeah I know. She’s so much hotter now than she was before.
Seriously. That’ll go down in history as their favorite moment of the whole journey. Mine too. She wanted to take out her earrings and go to town. Oh what I wouldn’t give to see that happen!
Anyhoo, back to the London Eye. Jef is saying all the right things, and I feel a genuineness there. With his overusage of the word like, and her nervous eye twitch, though - I felt as though it was an episode of Name That Twitch: OCD Or Tourette’s?
Needless to say Jeff gets the rose. But I’m a little bothered that those delicious-looking desserts didn’t get eaten. Also, they left their napkins laying on the table instead of in the chair. Jean wouldn’t be happy about this. Poor Jef had a My Best Friend’s Wedding moment. You remember that moment where Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are on the boat tour and “the moment” just passes them by as they emerge from underneath the bridge? That’s how I felt when their pod was making its approach to the ground, Jef wants to kiss her, you think he’s about to lay it on her, wait for it, but no... then the moment passes. We are now approaching the exit... My husband and I literally breathed an auditory and collective gasp followed by a sigh. He made up for it, though. He got his kiss, and I don’t know how it made her feel but it sure looked romantic to me.
Before the cocktail party, the guys sit and voice their retrospective opinions about the Kalon situation. I think they, as well as the entire viewing audience, are in agreement that Kalon is a complete tool. A douche bag with a license to sell expensive ties. If you need further proof that he wants the world to revolve around him, read his bio HERE


Good riddance, Kalon. And THAT'S sealed with a kiss luxury brand kick in the walnuts!



Ems begins her crusade to find out who’s in it for her. Who’s going to have her back. Who would be willing to kick Kalon in his family jewels. I wish we knew more details. She seems to be holding everyone accountable for Kalon’s actions. I can’t figure out exactly why she’s so upset with everyone. It seemed most of them found out the night of the group date. And even if they witnessed Kalon saying that stuff, it was the day before...not last month or last year. Whatever. I understand she’s just mad and needs to lash out. Either way, Kalon’s silver spoon served him up some baggage with a side of get the bleep out.
Ryan gives an encore performance of his lame Romeo enactment. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks, I am a douche, and Juliet is the sun. Leo DiCaprio, eat your heart out brother.
Wolf shows up to the rose ceremony in some sweet red pants. No, that is not a sarcastic statement. I’m so down with colorful clothing. Chris scolds the men and reminds him that Ems is taking this very seriously. Ryan snickers on the inside, Doug wipes a tear, and Jef & Sean whisper, “we already have roses, losers.” 
Emily, in her blinged out bracelet and stunning fitted off-the-shoulder dress, hands out the roses in this order:
Doug - First rose goes to the guy with the cahunas to spill the goods on Kalon.
Ryan - Second rose goes to the guy with the cahunas to throw one-liners at her without abandon.
Chris - Third rose to the guy who looks like Gerard Butler and made her speakers go boom boom.
Wolf - Fourth rose goes to the guy with the cool pants.
Travis - Fifth rose goes to the guy willing to murder an ostrich egg for her.
Final rose... drum roll please... Arie - So she saved the final rose for him. For me, there was never any doubt. For Arie, he was wishing he’d have worn his Depends undergarment.
It’s adios muchacho for our mushroom farmer. Looks like Sofia Vergara remains the number one Colombian import. I’m not sure why the tear shed. Odd.
Needless to say, I’m rejoicing in the absence of Kalon. That guy is so vile, I almost miss this girl...


ALMOST.
Next time we head to a medieval city. Croatia. I hear medieval and I think, snore. However, it looks to be a beautiful city. Oh but that is secondary compared to the continuing drama of guys not being in it for the right reasons. The source of this one HAS to be Ryan. It just has to be. We shall see. Oddly enough, other than a clip of a conversation between the guys next week, there were no previews involving Doug. What could this mean? Top 3 prediction: Arie, Jef, Chris. I hesitate not to put Sean in the top 3, but I do see him in the top 4. So there are my predictions. Share yours in the comments section.
Until next week, here’s to colorful pants, Mama bears and unbridled F bombs. Until then, loyal readers :)

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