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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Meet THE MAN

Special edition of the Bachelor... the countdown to Juan Pablo.

The show begins with casting tapes galore. My oh my. Fertile eggs, booty calls, Golden Girls watchers, disgruntled Mothers, nose lickers, dead arm chicks, bathroom trumpet players, fist swallowers, ginormous wine glasses, clueless Grandmas, anorexia, my oh my. There are no words.

ABC hands out roses to contestants. These contestants:

Lucinda - As Sophia Grace would say, she is "so good." Except for that stringy hair.

Elise - She just HAPPENS to be wearing her prom dress form 6 years ago. And she just HAPPENS to be teaching herself Spanish. I already feel sorry for this girl. I smell desperation.

Christy - Half-dressed, coincidentally. She's from Chicago. I'm over it.

Lauren H. - Congrats ABC crew member on getting an unsolicited bear hug.

Allison - Did they really pick this girl? I'm pretty sure she is the distant, oh-so-jacked-up relative of Eva Mendez. DISTANT.

Meet Juan Pablo. Be still my heart, y'all. I  mean, sheesh. The first minute of the intro kindof made my skin quiver. Whoa. The muscles. The abs. The accent. The hair. Brad has been replaced, my friends. The timelines are back.

Our boy seems to have a charming family. My one question... why was there a blurred face? Brother's failed romance? Family's black sheep? No, wait. She's not the black sheep. I'll tell you who the black sheep is. It's that cousin. You know the one. The one that thinks Juan Pablo  should keep his shirt on. Shut your pie hole, girlfriend. Uncle what's-his-face needs to brush up on the names of his nephews. The cousins want these girls to pack their Rosetta Stone before they try to win over this Bachelor. This family is charming, but also a mixed bag of opinionated people.

Gia. What can I say? Such a tragic thing. Ironically, I was just reading about her suicide today. The tribute ABC put together was very touching and respectful. And, for me, it was literally a tear jerker. RIP.

Time for previews of the season. First, let me just make this known. I could listen to him say his name a million times over. Good grief. It's almost incomprehensible the level of ooh la la steeped into the pronunciation of his own name rolling off of his Venezuelan tongue.

Based on the clips, this may be the prettiest season ever. The Bachelor, his girls, I approve. This is not to say that every single girl meets my approval. Let me be clear. A couple of them are clearly there for ratings. The question is, what drama are they going to bring to the homely table? The girl who is crying "this is so not me"...that is night one, mark my words. She's in her best cocktail party attire. Crying on night one. No. Just no.

Not to anyone's surprise, this season promises it's fair share of cray. To the girl crying in the bathroom stall, I have some advice for you. But since I'm a lady, I'm gonna keep it to myself. To the girl consoling the bathroom stall cryer, well, is that where pants go to die? I'm not sure either girl was wearing them.

I'm looking forward to this season more than I can ever remember looking forward to one before. And those are big words coming from me, the girl who CAN'T WAIT for each season to begin. Last season, I had a big batch of busy going on in my life plus a dose of chaos. Therefore, I failed my readers by not blogging as in seasons past. I hope to change that this time. Priorities priorities. I fully plan to change my ways and go back to the old me. The blogging me. So let's do this, friends. Let's enjoy this season as much as Miley Cyrus enjoys demolition equipment.

Until tomorrow night.


The dashing Juan Pablo and his beautiful mini-me, Camila...



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