Episode 1: Flower Power and Dog Lovin' and Bangs, Oh My
Hello, friends. Long time no blog. Oh how I have missed this. Boy did I miss out on some serious blogging last season. Des had quite a crop to choose from. A crop of douchebaggery. Is that a word? Well, it is now. Anything goes, here at Cheesecake Moments. After Des' season, I am left wondering a few things:
- Has Michael G. found his masculinity yet?
- Have suits of armor gone out of style?
- Has Zak W. started wearing clothes more often?
- Is Brian the DB back together with what's her face?
- Is Drew still as handsome as ever?
- Has Ben (or shall I say "has-been") renewed his membership in the "Loser of the Month" club?
- What is Juan Pablo up to these days?
Oh wait. I might know the answer to that last one.
And so it begins. A new season of one of my favorite, if not my VERY favorite, reality TV show. I may or may not have said this before, but this is the best Bachelor ever. For real. Like seriously. I mean, c'mon. It's Juan freakin' Pablo. And it sounds even better when he lets it roll off of his Latin tongue. Ay ay ay.
As they all do, this season begins with snippets of the coming season. Clips of girlie screams. Of boat rides. Of bikinis. Of kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. Of the Orient. Ok, if you have kept up with me at all, you know that this is my least favorite Bachelor/ette destination. Please accept my apology but it just does not feel romantic. It does not excite me. It does not intrigue me. And frankly, I would rather see a Bachelor take his ladies to St. Augustine, Florida than the Orient. Can you tell where I vacayed last summer?
As I bite my lower lip, watching our man jog in those white shorts, I am left to wonder whose idea it was to film this piece of quality entertainment. This 2 minute clip. Give THAT person a promotion, and pass the chocolate, please!
Shout-out to little cutie-patootie. I mean, seriously. How cute is his niña?
As our Latin hunk ponders his upcoming journey, ABC has sent in reinforcement. Someone to lend Juan Pablo some advice. Someone whose facial features are famous. Well, not actually but they are in my blog. They'rrrrrrrrrre baaaaaa-aaaaaack. The creepy flesh-colored eyebrows. I guess they chose Sean because he is one of the few Bachelors still with his chosen one. Oh, and also, because he had some spare time after taking his sailboat for a spin. Judging by Juan Pablo's wardrobe choice, Sean has already supplied that "something borrowed" to our sexy Bachelor's attire. You know what I'm talking about. How could we forget those salmon shorts that magically made an appearance during Sean's entire season... not to mention their airtime they got while he was trying (unsuccessfully) to win the heart of Ems. Who, BY THE WAY, is engaged again in case you didn't hear. Maybe this time will be the charm. But I digress. Probably because I am so very bored with Sean's love advice. Dude. Do you KNOW who you're talking to? This picture is proof that Juan Pablo is thinking the same thing I am.
Sean: Hey man. What's up. So you're the new Bachelor?
JP (not to be confused with Ashley's JP!): Sí.
Sean: Do I see what? Oh never mind. First things first. How do you like my boat shoes and cuffed pants?
JP: What? You are very white, aren't you?
Sean: Wellllll. It appears so.
JP: Why are you here again?
Sean: Oh yeah. I'm here to let you know that this will become real when the limos begin pulling up to the mansion. That's where your journey begins, my man.
JP: Didn't my journey begin with Des? Why do we have to call it a journey?
Sean: You know what I mean! And we can call it adventure. This is your adventure, yo!
JP: Is your shirt full of tiny white polka dots?
Sean: Focus, man. I'm trying to give you advice here. Listen up. You aren't going to remember the names of these girls. But make them feel at home. Even the ones who bring an extra side of cray with them. They're just human, man. Just awkwardly kiss as many as you can and block the rest of the journey... oops, I mean adventure... out.
JP: Do you have eyebrows?
Sean: Enough with the eyebrows, already. This blogger chick in Arkansas already busts my chops enough about it! Now let's talk strategy. Do you know how you're going to go about kissing these girls? And if you do, will you teach me how to do it right?
JP: Is this happening right now?
Sean: Did I go too far? Ok, my advice is to trust your gut. Just go with it. And kiss as many as you can.
JP: I got it, amigo. I got it. And by the way... did you SEE me kiss Des? Seriously. Does it LOOK like I need help with that?
Sean: Fair enough. Good luck on your adventure. And for the record, I rode off on a big smelly, hairy elephant after my final rose. Top that!
JP: Challenge accepted.
Chelsie, 24, Science Teacher, Columbus, Ohio - You know how when someone reminds you of a person you don't like, it's hard to warm up to that person? Yeah, well that's my problem here. Love the fact that she's a teacher, of course! Cute enough. Pretty hair. But reminds me of a super crazy girl I once knew. My goal is to overcome this.
Renee, 32, Real Estate Agent, Sarasota, FL - I hate her. Correction: I hate her flat stomach. Correction: I want her flat stomach. Okayyyyy, I'm jealous. She's cute. She's athletic. She's a single Mommy. She lives at the beach (yet another reason to be jelly). She seems mature. We shall see.
Andi, 26, Assistant DA, ATL - First, isn't the ombre so last year? Oh well, she's busy busting gang bangers, or gangs or something like that, so we'll forgive her. I bet she likes to argue. I admire strong women, but I somehow feel like this one is a bit more than strong. Like she might have a hint of a man part. Plus she's already thinking about the whole "sharing with 24 other girls" thing. Red flag.
Amy Bangs... I mean Amy J., 31, Massage Therapist (wowzers), LA - Did she really airplane a bite of breakfast to the camera? That's all I have. Just. No words.
Nikki, 26, Pediatric Nurse, Kansas City - I like her already. I mean, to spend your days taking care of children... bless her. She has pretty brown eyes, she smiles a lot, she seems to have a sense of humor. I'm in.
Lauren H., 25, Mineral Coordinator, Oklahoma City - Something about cool jobs gets my attention. I don't even know what that is. Maybe that's the appeal. Maybe I'll stop telling people I'm a teacher and just call myself a cerebral cortex molder. Yeah, I think I will. Anyhoo... Lauren. Numero uno, I do NOT like her laugh. Two, she hasn't moved on from her big work dump. That dude messed her up. Juan Pablo is something special, but I think it'll take a miracle for this girl to be all in. She has pretty brown eyes, though.
Valerie, 26, Personal Trainer, Sutter, CA - I like a girl not afraid to wear cowboy boots (although not necessarily on a daily basis). She hopes the other girls look like goats. So far, not so much. But a girl can dream, right? She verbally points out that she's pretty. I'm an advocate of being confident and having a healthy self-esteem. But going on National TV and calling yourself a pretty girl, along with talk of filing your fingernails into eyeball scratchers... that might be going too far. She's probably not going to be popular with me.
Lacy, 25, Nursing Home Owner, La Jolla, CA - Ok, at first sight, I'm confused. I don't know what it is. There is something a tad creepy about looking her in the eye. But that aside, I completely admire her dedication to all of the special needs people in her family. And I love to see someone who cares for our nation's elderly. It takes a special person to dedicate their life to such a cause. That is reason enough to like her. I'm in.
Clare, 32, Hairstylist, Sacramento - YES. This girl is beeee-uuuu-teeee-fullll! She's close with her family. She speaks Spanish. She was a Daddy's girl before he (sadly) passed away. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a front runner!
Limo Exits (in order)
Amy L, 27, News Reporter, Orlando - Pretty smile, pretty hair, pretty dress. And this Amy doesn't have freakishly thick bangs. Seems sweet enough.
Cassandra, 21, Former NBA Dancer, Rochester Hills, MI - This girl is pretty! However, that updo is reminiscent of one I saw in a 90s prom pic. Her "awkward pauses" were... well... awkward. She had better liven up. If you still have this episode on your DVR, please watch her as she walks away from that introduction. Did she pee herself a little?
Christy, 24, Marketing Manager, Chi-town - WHAT THE HECKKKKKK. Two words: wedding Barbie. No. Just no. She said these words, "I'm so glad it's you. I would not be here if it was anyone else." I call BS. She would soooo be there.
Receptionist Police Support Specialist, Miami - Two words: emerald Barbie. Please, girls. Please make it stop. I hear a little Latin flavor in her accent. He is probably going to like her. If all else fails, maybe she can join the Real Housewives of Miami.
Nurse Nikki - Her introduction just makes me love her more. Her mani rocks. Her tattoo intrigues me. Enough said. Look out, Clare.
Kat, 29, Medical Sales Rep., Scottsdale - Whoa. She's pretty, and totally pulling off that fitted red dress. And according to our main squeeze, she smells good. Very good.
Chantel, 27, Account Manager, San Diego - Bachelors don't have the best track record with Chantels. I just want to point something out. Maybe you noticed. As she is teaching him how to pronounce Chantel (I wasn't aware it was hard to pronounce), she makes the Shhh sound, then runs her finger down her chest. That's all I have to say.
Victoria, 24, Legal Assistant, Boca Raton, FL - Yikes. Victoria, hon-neyyyy. The person who advised you to wear that dress... they are not your friend. I'm sad for her. But she's Brazilian. Therefore she is redeemed.
Lucy, 24, Free Spirit, Santa Barbara - Free spirit, huh? It might be code for treehouse dwelling, non deodorant wearing, hairy armpit having, flower picking, free love giving, pot smoking, neo-hippie. But I'm sure she's a lovely person.
Danielle, 25, Psychiatric Nurse, StL - First off, she has the whole St. Louis thing going for her. That dress, on the other hand. Well. I'll be nice and just say, it's earth tone and flowy. And her messy curls are killing me. Curls - good. 90s curls - bad.
Lauren S., 26, Music Composer, Austin - I'm pretty sure her entrance went differently in her head. She tickled the ivories very nicely... until THAT moment. You know the one. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that went differently in her head. Her dress was pretty... until she stood up. Sorry, I don't like the long flare.
At this point, Juan Pablo needs a break from the introductions, so he heads inside to find out Lauren's name. Or wait. Maybe he just needs to pee. Nonetheless.
Our science teacher Chelsie is next out of the limo. Ohmagosh she brought her nerdy glasses and test tubes. Cute idea but the execution may have been lacking. I can't figure it out. But again, my mind is clouded with the resemblance I mentioned earlier. However, I feel her growing on me.
Oh boy. Valerie's here. The self-proclaimed pretty girl. Did her goats help style her hair? Did she borrow someone's spatula to apply that eye makeup? Did she not notice that I said cowboy boots aren't every day attire? Uhhh, she doesn't listen very well.
Elise, 27, First Grade Teacher, Forty Fort, PA - Since her town sounds like a Dr. Seuss book title, it is only fitting she teaches the wee ones. Which is working for her. I only know one other Elise and she is a complete doll, so I have hope for this Elise. She seems friendly, she apparently also smells good (I'm sensing a theme), her dress is awfully sparkly, but I'm not sure she walks in heels very often. Each step of her walk seemed very calculated. She probably just didn't want to be the next Robyn Howard. Remember this?
(Click HERE for that episode's blog)
Ashley, 25, Grade School Teacher, The Big D - They say everything is bigger in Texas. Well make no mistake, my friends. This definitely applies to her hair. I super need the 90s hairdos to stop. Please. Make. It. Stop. At least he got a gold star for just standing there looking dapper. Imagine what he'll get after they play tonsil hockey.
Next out of the limo, a belly. Oh mylanta. Is that my precious Clare? Why yes. Yes it is. Clare, Clare, Clare. What ARE you thinking? Showing Juan Pablo how cute you look preggo? That approach is flawed for 2 reasons:
1) There's no guarantee (ever) that a woman will look that stunning at 7 months.
And 2) He's here to date someone, not farm out his swimmers.
Girlfriend, I'm gonna NEED you to be the girl in your video clip. ASAP, please.
Alli, 26, Nanny, Chi-town - Immediately, our former pro soccer playing bachelor is standing at attention. He likey da soccer player. Pretty sure she just bought herself a rose.
Bangs is here. My oh my. And speaking of ugly dresses. Wait. Did I say that out loud? You know who I feel sorry for? The ladies. No, not those ladies. Not the ones in the house. THOOOOOSE ladies. The ones in the not-so-pretty dress. They are suffocating under the pressure. And they can't even compare notes with one another because of the stress of that thing running between them. Ouch. Did her seamstress rob a Christmas package ribbon shop?
And here she is. Renee. Renee with the flat stomach. Somehow her plain hair doesn't even make me mad. What's that I sense? I do believe it is my approval.
Lauren arrives. Another stupid long flare dress. Ugh. And although her hair looks ok, it dangerously resembles the 90s pull back. Careful, sister. Will I like her? I can't decide.
Maggie, 24, Personal Banker, North Augusta, SC - Mags! That dress! Ooh La La. In the words of a former coach of mine, "hot tamale, me." Stunning. But Southern. Is Juan Pablo going to dig the southern charm? The accent barrier alone might cause communication tangles. But she's super duper sweet. Although I can't see our boy going fishin'.
Molly, 4, Dog Park, USA - She needs a good wax parlor in her life.
Kelly, 27, Dog Lover, ATL - Does that really say dog lover?
I do believe it does. She has pretty hair, and is a cute-ish girl. But dog lover? This one gets a big fat red unemployed flag. But oh well, maybe Molly can recommend a good waxer to our little flower child.
Lacy (not to be confused with Lucy) is finally here. She looks oh-so-breathtaking. Maybe the dress is a bit promish but she is making it work for her. Red hot. Literally.
Alexis, 24, Communications Director, Tampa - Wow. This girl is gorgeous. And that smile. Those teeth. Perfect. Plus she is wearing a pretty black dress, perfectly accessorized. I like her already!
Kylie, 23, Interior Designer, Rockford, IL - Oh dear mother of all things hideous. Pastel pink dress with red hair? NEVER. EVER. No. Plus pastel pink fingernails and pastel pink lipstick. No. Just. No. I can't look. Somebody tell me when it's over.
Sharleen, 29, Opera Singer, Heidelberg, Germany (or Ottowa, Canada. I'm confused) - Mama Mia. Holy crap this girl is astonishing. That dress is borderline boring, but the darn thing has just enough style that it is quite sexy. The updo I could do without but oh well. It IS 90s hair night at the mansion, soooo. And she's a singer. He likes singers.
And last but not least, our ombre'd DA. Right now it stands for District Attorney, but if she's not nice, that could change.
And finally. That's that. Time to party it up, cocktail style. Hope he brought his rape whistle. As the camera peruses the room, I think wow. There are a lot of pretty girls here. But those pretty girls will no doubt provide us with some uncharted drama. As Juan Pablo gives his speech about getting to know one another, he is met with blank stares, huge smiles, and eyes that say, "you spilled something in your lap...can I help you with that?" To break the tension, he starts a dance party. It's all fun and games until somebody twerks. Nurse Nikki needs to check his pulse. What is it about this girl? Did I already proclaim a front runner? Clare better watch out, Nikki is edging up. And here comes Renee (or Mom as he calls her). As they ignore the elephant in the room (the kiss mark on his face), they discuss kid stuff. Will they have more in common than the single parent thing? We shall soon see. Next it's time to talk burning bras and peace signs. Far out, man. I could've went ALL night without seeing the bottom of her NASTY -- *** -- FEET. Gross, I mean groovy. Next, bangs and the tortured ladies (hey, that should be a punk band) seek him out for a massage. So now he has essential oils all over his clothing. Good grief. Please. Just go brush your bangs and leave him alone. I think she has been drinking a little champagne. Through a straw. I almost felt like I was interrupting a moment. A moment she was having with herself. As Juan Pablo was stuck on the table having to watch. Ay ay ay.
The most awkward moment of night one every single season is the entrance of Chris carrying the FI rose. As it looms, the tension mounds. The champagne continues to flow. The evil glares amp up. Wedding Barbie and baby pink converse about the potential for devastation. Clare's water breaks. Work dump gnaws her fingernails off. The bangs stand on end. Molly pees on a chair leg. Gah. I can't take it. Just give the rose already.
After some fun in the photo booth with Chels, he finds himself drawn to where the shiny things are. i.e. Elise's dress. He asks questions. He acts interested in the answers. I'm not feeling it. It, meaning chemistry. Sorry, love. You might be taking those fake lashes on back to Green Eggs & Hamville, Pennsylvania. Should've brought your own pair of nerd glasses and test tubes. Maybe then you could work up some chemistry.
Watching Lauren H. fume over the fact that she hasn't gotten her time is grating on my nerves. Get your derriere up offa that couch and get your own time with him. Sheesh. Have these morons never seen this show? And by the way, does it bother anyone else that her lips don't always close when she talks? I'm being serious. Then that is followed by a purse of the lips. What is it. Who knows. Who cares. I just don't like it. You know what else I don't like? Night one crybabies. C'mon girls! Man up! You JUST met this guy. Get some therapy.
Oh have you, Lauren? HAVE YOU?
Sobbing is not attractive on this show. Just saying. The girls who confuse me even more are the ones who waste their time consoling the crybabies. Forget that. Send her home, Juan Pablo. Please send her home. But not until you are forced to suffer through her airing of her dirty laundry. Nice.
Oh do you, Lauren? DO YOU?
Our former NBA dancer is also a makeup artist?? Whaaaa? With that hair? How does she not have a hair stylist hookup. Ombre DA talks shop with the man. I'm definitely on the fence with this one. Someone Juan P is NOT on the fence about is our little opera singer. She is very classy, sophisticated, elegant, and in his words "a keeper." It is no surprise that he gave her the rose. She is less enthused than the other hounds in the house would be. What does this hold? Her hesitation in accepting the rose was a little off-putting. How is he not picking up on her lack of interest? And how is he handling being referred to as "sir"? I'm just confused. Very confused. She may or may not be snobby.
It is that time of night. Time to hand out the coveted buds.
In order, they go to:
Clare - But of course.
Nikki - Super of course.
Renee - Eat a burger.
Andi - "Will you accept this rose?" "I object! Wait. No I don't."
Alli - He wants to kick the ball around a little more before scoring. A goal, I mean.
Chantel - Hmm.
Lauren S. - He wants his ivories tickled.
Kelly... and Molly - He just wants his leg humped.
Cassandra - Please take that hair down, girl.
Danielle - Please. Tame the hair. Just tame it.
Chelsie - Yay for nerds.
Kat - No, not you Kylie. KAT.
Victoria - Will you accept this rose? And wear a different dress next time?
Christie - Would you like to meet Malibu Barbie?
Lucy - Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Get out the pipes.
Elise - Well I'll be darned. He picked her.
And the final rose goes toooo...... Amy L. Thank goodness! That was a close one. I couldn't take another second of massaging, chunky bangs, baby pink, or THIS...
I'm ok with his choices. But you know as well as I that the claws will come out beginning next week. And THAT, I can't wait to see. Coming up on this season I see a lot. A lot of fun. A lot of romance. A lot of Clare. A lot of skin. A LOT of skin. A lot of drama. I have some early predictions...
Sharleen leaves on her own.
Clare and Nikki have a feud that ends up with Nikki being sent home.
Clare makes top 2, or at least top 3.
Juan Pablo bares his chest in every single episode. I ain't mad.
A lot of Patron will be consumed. A whole lot.
Sean comes back to pursue the developing bromance.
This is gearing up to be a marvelous season, readers! Stay with me! I give you my word that I will try my hardest to be a better blogger than I was last season. Until next week, my lovelies.