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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Episode 1, Sean's Crop

Hello Bachelor fans. Oh how I’ve missed this! Are we glad it’s back or what?! It has been far too long since I’ve seen a good cat fight. I have a feeling this season isn’t going to deprive us of cat anything! It’s good to be back. So every Monday, sit back, buckle up, grab the popcorn and let the good times roll.

ABC starts us off with a little sneak preview of the season ahead. Oh dear Mother of fawwweeennn torsos. Those of you who were with me during the Brad days will know what I mean by the following... 8 seconds! Yes, I said 8. The time it takes to ride a bull. See what I did there. Ok, lame irony. What can I say, I’m a little giddy. Mini clips reveal to us that this season will be jam-packed with drama, eye rolls, plenty of beach time for our topless Texan, a couple of concerts, rockytop romance, talking puppet hands, roller derby, tears, neckbraces and cookies that taste like S**T! 

After that peek into the future, we were shown a then-and-now reel of Mr. Lowe. The romance that wasn’t...Sean’s time with Ems. His stiff kisses. His baby blue shorts. The sweat. The tears. The eyebrows. The Dad who might spend time in a closet. The affection he has for his niece and nephew. This scores brownie points with me. I could’ve done without the deep thoughts by the beach. But standing atop that cliff, blue shorts blowing in the wind....oh, never mind.

What came next was a total surprise to me. A visit from our old pal Arie. Oh dear. Flashbacks consume me. After a beer toast, they retire to the poolside table for a little role-playing and advice giving. Arie gives sweet tips on too much tongue vs. too little tongue. To tease or not to tease. Sean does not intend to take his advice. Mistake number one, bro.

After 18 minutes of fluff and a commercial break, we get to see short clips of a few of the girls...

Desiree aka Des: She’s cute. She’s a Bridal Designer. She has a Katie Holmes-ish look about her. Her eyes are the most beautiful brown. In that business, she’s probably a hopeless romantic. And she isn’t such a graceful bouquet tosser. I love girls not afraid to flaunt their fun side.

Tierra: Beautiful. Really beautiful. And might I add, I’ve been wanting a necklace like that...can someone please relay that to my hubby.  She’s family-oriented. She has an open heart tat on her ring finger. She apparently loves Sean, based on the pre-teenish squealing she did when the Bachelor was revealed to her.

Robyn: She might be a bit toothy. She might have danced with no rhythm. She’s a self-proclaimed sticky note addict. 3M thanks her. She makes air hearts on national TV.

Diana: Rockin’ the side braid. Cute woman. Already has 2 kids. Might not be the best match for our childless bachelor.

Sarah: If I didn’t love her already, I certainly do now. 

Ashley P: Diva. She is obsessed with 50 Shades. I don’t even want to repeat what else she said. Something about doing things, and ripping clothes, and spanking. Yikes.

Lesley: She doesn’t like nerds or politicians. The Arkansas girl I didn’t get a good impression of. Guess what. The video clip didn’t change my opinion. Politics shmolitics.

Kristy: Ford model. Ok, so Ford is the real deal, I get it. But good grief. And what is it with these toothy gals. Gahhh. 

AshLee: Hmm, her life story makes me question my first impression. I admire someone who’s been through serious stuff and created a good life for themselves. But I sense baggage... and OCD.

And finally, after 40 minutes, the limos arrive. It’s time for the introductions. In order of appearance, here they are.

AshLee F.
32
Personal Organizer
Houston TX
She looks stunning in her red dress with the gorgeous back, and her pretty hair. She hugs him and says sweet things. Maybe I’m gonna like her, after all. Or maybe not. What I do know is that her breathy bit is going to wear me out.

Jackie
25
Cosmetics Consultant
Boynton Beach, FL
I anticipated liking her. She tells Sean she’s going to put her mark on him. She pulls her dress up, lifts her leg by the fire hydrant and....oh wait, wrong mark. She pulls out her favorite tube of red lipstick, douses her lips, then kisses his cheek to leave her lip marks as a reminder of a maybe connection. C’mon Jacks, don’t do stupid stuff. I want to like you.

Selma
29
Real Estate Developer
San Diego, CA
She was NOT having that hooker red lip stain on his cheek. Just then she remembers that earlier when she was playing wardrobe hide-and-go-seek, she stuffed a kleenex in her ample bosom. She whips it from from her cleavage to clean off our bachelor’s cheek out of respect for the other girls. She’s a little too squeaky.

Leslie H.
29
Poker Dealer
Los Angeles, CA
Other than the fact that she, too, has too many teeth, I have nothing. Except a lame McSteamy reference. Please leave Eric out of this! Nobody takes his title.

Daniella
24
Commercial Casting Associate
San Francisco, CA
So she’s been thinking...she thinks a secret handshake would mask the fact that her hair looks like Courtney Love’s the night she married Kurt Cobain. Up high, down low, annnddddd blow it up, baby. Blow it up. I would never call anyone stupid, but some people aren’t exactly common sense proficient.

Kelly
28
Stripper Extraordinaire Cruise Ship Entertainer
Nashville, TN
She sings a song for our bachelor. Intending to win Sean’s heart, or gain the attention of a record producer? Hey she made a rhyme out of ring and sing, Tennessee and sweet tea, grows and rose. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the next Loretta Lynn.

Katie
27
Yoga Instructor
Charlotte, NC
Ok I’ve already taken a dig at her hair, so I’ll let it go. But WHY is the girl barefoot? Does she not know what kind of filth has oozed onto those floors during the filming of Bachelor Pad? Namaste, my friend. Namaste.

Ashley P.
28
Hair Stylist slash Rapist
Macomb, MI
She leads by asking him if he’s read any good books lately. Loaded question much? Ok, so is there some sort of trap door down the front of her dress, because where did that tie come from? The horror on Sean’s face was similar to the horror on mine. My sister and I both were like, “WHAT?!” Run, Sean. Run very fast.

Taryn
30
Health Club Manager
Troutdale, OR
For starters, she claimed not to have watched his season. Anyone else out there question that statement? Then she runs her lines and forgets to tell him her name. Maybe she’s nervous, maybe she left her fun side at home. Nonetheless, he seems captivated by her.

Catherine
26
Graphic Designer
Seattle, WA
This girl definitely has an exotic look and possesses lots of beauty. Outside of that, I have nothing. Except, of course, that she has a nose ring. Are people still doing that?

Robyn
24
Oilfield Account Manager
Houston, TX
The world will remember her by one thing...the back flip heard ‘round the world. The one that almost was. 

Lacey
24
Graduate Student
Valencia, CA
She gets the best dress of the night award. Her hair is a little too yellow, but I can overlook that thanks to her stunning gown. She wants to be called Lace, which was apparently a segue into a giving him a heart made of lace. Huh? Where did that come from? Does she also have a trap door in her dress? 

Paige
25
Jumbotron Operator
New York, NY
First of all, WHAT is up with those bangs? Is she trying to grow them out. Is she working on a modern day mullet? Ok she opens with “I was on Bachelor Pad 3.” Never trust anyone who competed on BP...at least not until you get them tested for STDs.

Tierra
24
Leasing Consultant
Denver, CO
Her beauty and charm get her a rose from the get-go. Our boy Sean is quite the rule-breaker giving out a rose right out of the limo.

Amanda
26
Fit Model
Newport Beach, CA
What exactly is a fit model? I know what a fitness model is, I know what a model is, but a fit model?? If I could tell her one thing it would be - red lipstick isn’t your color, darlin. Then I’d say - Kumbaya moments aren’t cool, chica. She’ll have to step it up to win my heart.

Keriann
29
Entrepreneur
Boca Raton, FL
She drove 2,775 miles for a shot with him. Andddddd?

Desiree aka “Des”
26
Bridal Stylist
Los Angeles, CA
This girl already has a little piece of my heart. As if she couldn’t get any cuter, she brought pennies to throw in the fountain. You go on, girl, with your originality.

Sarah
26
Advertising Executive
Los Angeles, CA
Already a front runner for me, she has Sean’s attention, too. The physical challenge only adds to her beauty.

Brooke 
25
Community Organizer
Pittsburgh, PA
She saunters out of the limo with her crazy hair, confusing tassles and wild eyes. This girl scares me.

Diana
31
Salon Owner
Salt Lake City, UT
Rockin’ the side braid like no other, she is a natural conversationalist. Am I going to be able to forgive her for wanting to be Taylor for a day? We’ll see.

Lesley M.
25
Political Consultant
Washington, DC
Oh dear she brought a football. Politics by day, pigskin by night. I still think her eyes are shifty. Plus she only knows one play... the trusted old Blue 32 play, where the ball never gets snapped so that the QB can stare at the Center’s butt. So maybe the girl from Arkansas has a bit of a sense of humor. Make me laugh, win me over.

Kristy
25
Model
Darien, WI
Another model. I’m sensing a theme. This girl’s hair is all over the place. And wow, those teeth. All 427 of them. Insanely white. Don’t turn on the blacklights, anyone.

Ashley H.
25
Fashion Model
Denver, CO
I’ve always heard that if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. In this instance, I’m taking that advice.

Lauren
27
Journalist
Cranston, RI
She’s from a close Italian family who own an Italian restaurant which may or may not have a back room where the Don meets with Vinnie and Guido to give them instructions on breaking Sean’s legs.

Lindsay
24
Substitute Teacher
Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Oh no she di-int. A wedding dress? Almost as scary as the blue tie and leg-breaking threats. She forces a kiss on the lips and informs him she has..... uhhhh.... I’m trying to find a good euphemism here. Ah heck, there’s no other way to say it. Balls. Yeah that’s the word she said. Balls. Her looks are going to have to be enough to get her through this night. I still think she’s pretty, but whoa.

So that’s it for the new crew. Next we find out who the mystery girl is. The commercials strung us along about someone “coming back”...well wonder no more. It’s my girl Kacie B! I did love her so. But her parents are wack. It seems she and Sean “hung out” at some event. Bachelor/Bachelorette reject event, no doubt. Anyhoo, so they hit it off and Kacie developed a crush. Fast forward to this new season. Enter Kacie to vie for Sean’s heart. We’ll see what happens. I sense a lot of claws over this one.

She isn’t met with a warm reception. Surprise surprise!! The girls discuss the possibility that she’s there to give them advice. Yeah, I can see it now:

“So listen girls, here’s my advice. Pick your nose. A LOT. Dudes love that. Especially Sean. You know what else? He likes his ladies bald. So get on upstairs and shave those beautiful heads, girls. Run along. And if you want to really drive him wild, tell him he reminds you of your ex-boyfriend. So are we clear? Good. You’re welcome.”

Sean asks the girls to relax. For some of the girls, that translated into drink plenty of Patron. For Ashley P., what she heard was engage in the whole lick it, slam it, suck it tequila shot thing...emphasis on the... well, it’s hard to choose just one.

Sean: So why are you here?
Kacie: For you, silly. Isn’t it obvious.
Sean: Whew, is it nipply, I mean nippy out here? Are you cold? Want my jacket?
Kacie: Why yes, yes I do. Is it that obvious? I knew I should’ve worn band-aids.
Sean: Ummm, yeah maybe. Whew, is it hot out here? Want my shirt and pants?
Kacie: Sean! You know my ultra conservative, judgmental, antiquated parents are watching this.
Sean: Ok, I’ll give them the shirt. You take my pants.

Isn’t that about how that conversation went?

He then moves on to Des. That convo went swimmingly enough that she got a rose in an unconventional manner, too. Seannnnnn, you’re such a rule-breaker, you sneaky little devil. But nobody else was quite as excited as Des.

Ash with a capital L also gets an early rose...just before she philosophies on whether or not Tierra’s was the coveted first impression rose. She thinks not. Because then THAT would mean AshLee’s was NOT a first impression rose. She wants to make that clear. I knew that capital L raised a red flag. Tierra lets the world know that hers was indeed the first impression rose because WHO ELSE got a rose after saying ‘A’ sentence. Did you hear her, people? She said like, A sentence. Yes, that screams first impression rose. I get it.

Sean continues his jaunt as resident rebel with all of the rose giving. Other recipients included Selma, Lady Sweet-Backflip, Katie’s hair, nose ring, Little Orphan Annie, Diana and Jackie.

Can I just be mean for a minute regarding Ashley H.? Yeah yeah, I know. What has stopped me from being mean before? But seriously, what the heck is wrong with this girl’s accent. She’s like a walking talking oxymoron. Nicki Minaj doing her best Scarlett O’Hara impression. Who actually talks like that? Nobody. That’s who.

Then there’s Lindsay. Poor, poor Lindsay. I meant it when I said she’s the prettiest. But this girl canNOT hold her liquor. I’ve always wondered what possesses people to go on National TV, on a show like this especially, and get plastered. 

“Gimme a kiss, just a little smoochie woochie, c’mon fake hubby wubby, pweeeeez...don’t you like it that I’m ballsy? That’s my favorite word.”

50 shades of Ashley P. Ummm. What do you say. Train wreck? Wall dancer...or better yet, wall romancer? Fly catcher? Am I right? Can she maneuver without having her mouth wide open. I’d recommend she video herself and watch it, but something tells me that’s a base she has covered.

This crazy Anastasia wanna-be finally corners her Christian. Out comes the tie again. That’s some kind of trap door she has there. After Sean puts away his rape whistle, Ana heads on inside to demonstrate how to stumble down 2 steps, manage to get sympathy from nobody - including the ABC employees who thought about helping her up but decided it was more fun to watch - and wipe the floor with her rear end.

Moving forward, Sean continues his rose-capade. More girls get an early bud. Leslie H. is next, followed by my girl Sarah...who incidentally has my heart.

Emotions are high at the rose ceremony. Confidence abounds with the ladies who already hold a bud in their hands. The other group...they aren’t so confident. The seven lucky ones are as follows:

Amanda - Who? Oh yeah, red lipstick.

Lesley M. - Mr. Lowe Goes To Washington. By the way, is that a messy bun? Is it a chignon? What is that slightly-missed-the-mark hairstyle?

Kacie B. - Yeah, baby! Bring on the crazy parental units!

Kristy - The American Dental Association recommended her.

Daniella - She could always use the rose thorns to brush that hair.

Taryn - Does he KNOW she’s a hot mess?

Lindsay - It’s a. Nice day. For a. White wedding.

And doing the dreaded walk of shame tonight, ladies and gents:

Lauren - Sean gets to keep his legs.
Kerriann - Who?
Paige - There’s always BP 4, girlfriend. And just think...you’ll officially be veteran status!
Kelly - I’m so sorry, you didn’t make the cut. But going back to Nashville, will pull you out of your rut. So do your walk of shame, feathers blowing in the wind. Your tears smear your mascara, so take a hike THE END.
Ashley H. - She confused me. Buh-bye.
Lacey - She leaves the lace heart in hopes he'll at least use it as a coaster.
And of course, Ashleystasia - Bummskis. Watch for her on BP4.

It’s always a treat getting previews of the coming season, and this time is no different. Beaches. Ice castles. Street performers. Concerts. Roller coasters.  Concerts. Mountains. Cat claws. Roller derby. Tierra drama. And I’ve said it already, but it bears repeating. A monkey on a beach.

Now, who’s singing Billy Idol in their head now?

Until next week, Bachelor buddies!

Ahhhh, it never gets old.


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