The First Dates, Episode 2

Ahhh the joys of the first dates. It’s where the fun - and the cat fights - begin. This season’s first date episode followed suit indeed! Ashley H, that lucky chica. Not only did she get the first one-on-one date, she got her own personal carnival in the middle of the woods. Although, at first it seemed like a scene from Friday the 13th: Jason Meets It. Talking about daddy issues on National TV was a little uncomfortable to watch. But that kiss on the ferris wheel. Oh that kiss. The whole date was such a throwback to my childhood when the dog days of summer meant county fairs. Tilt-A-Whirl, you are my Everest! The difference is, Brad and Ash didn’t have to wait in lines and they got a glass of wine with their cotton candy. What?!

The dreaded group date did not disappoint. Last week I believe I sang the praises of Michelle. Oh what a difference a week makes. Happy freakin’ birthday Michelle. “Every girl he kisses after me will be one big disappointment.” Really, Michelle? Did you REALLY just say that? We get it - it’s your birthday. Your THIRTIETH birthday. I’m pretty sure the 14 other girls on the date who are there to catch a man don’t give a rip about your birthday. I’m also fairly certain that a man on a date with 15 women is not even concerned about his own birthday. Constant complaining trumps the sex appeal card. Sexy no more! Britt, hat’s off sister. In an instant you were able to shed that “big old prude” rep. Nevermind the fact that your coming out party involved shoving your tongue down Brad’s throat in front of 14 other girls and an entire camera crew. Prude no more! Alli, again with the green? And again with the tatas? Shall I get on Melissa’s case again? Why yes. Yes I shall. Somehow it seemed fitting she was cast as a cougar. Rawr. That aside, what is it that makes her want to stalk Raichel...perhaps she needs some manscaping. Oh, she’s not a man you say? Are you sure? Could Madison’s outfit BE more perfect. Long live the freak flag.

Let’s move on to Jackie’s one-on-one. Why why why can’t I move past her weird face & hair? I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I find weird, but I just can’t get on board with this girl. I have real issues with this date. Aside from her peculiar face. Is it just me or did she miss the mark by asking him if he would be putting on a robe too? A robe? Jackie Jackie Jackie. You could’ve asked for any piece of spa attire and you ask for a ROBE. How about a towel. Boxers. Speedo. Anything that doesn’t cover up the glory that is Brad’s torso. Let’s move into the 2nd portion of that date. Weird face had a room full of gorgeous dresses and she picks that one. The boring, unsexy, earth-tone one. Then she accessorizes by wearing bling down her back. Don’t get me wrong, this is stylish but I take issue with anyone who tries to be Kate Hudson. Joan Rivers, please get your Fashion Police badge out for this one! Moving on... two boyfriends her whole life? Enough said. Thank you ABC for providing entertainment by Train. THIS was quite the touch.

I can’t close without pointing out a couple of cocktail party moments. Alli & Roberto graced the screen. Roberto. Hot, handsome, sexy, alluring Roberto. Wait, did that just happen again? Ok, the cocktail party. Again with the stalking and the crying and the attacking... Melissa must be the worst Bachelor contestant ever. EVER! One second she is crying, whining and tattling on Raichel as Brad squirms and fantasizes about his makeout session on the ferris wheel. The next second she is giggling and proclaiming she had onions and peppers on her pizza and she ate 4 slices. Excuse me, what? Bipolar much? And what is an energy suck? If one random woman has the power to suck the life out of you, maybe therapy is in order. Anyhoo...good riddance.

Unfortunately, we also lost Keltie. Now she can add reality TV to her long list of dating techniques. As for Raichel, she might have been spared had she controlled those emotions and held back the tears. Nobody likes a crybaby, especially a man who has so many dry-eyed women fawning over him. She may not have been my favorite but there are a couple of others that should’ve been denied a rose before her.

See you next week, Seal! Musically, it’s already a stellar season.