Was this an amped up version of Animal Planet? Were we supposed to be so lost in the moment that we didn’t realize this was more like a drive through zoo than an African Safari? Bachelor meets Disney’s Animal Kingdom.
Predictable that they meet in the wilderness, Chantal beeboppin’ along in her shortie shorts and sweet Cons. The first words he speaks to her? “You can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” It’s 2011 Brad! People don’t still... never mind.
Moving on. The first thing they see on zoo train, I mean safari jeep, is a sleeping pride. Hmmm. Nyquil induced? Next step - a “dangerous” picnic amongst wild carnivores. Good thing the guide brought a prop, I mean that high powered rifle. I keep forgetting...it’s a REAL safari. I like the way Womack tells her he misses her family. I can just hear her Dad saying, “I knew it! I knew the creepy man hugs would win him over!!” Score one for Barney shirt!
The dinner was short-lived. She brought the ladies out to play. Everyone knows this is the date where you get “the card.” Yes, THE CARD. A disturbing and revealing part of the conversation - Chantal reveals she’d get married on the spot if he asks. To a man she practically just met. To a man who is going to have overnights with 2 other women in the same week as hers. Oh well, desperation reveals itself. The highly anticipated card arrives. Pretty sure she didn’t even read the whole card before she adjusted her tatas, hopped up, drew air hearts and started figuring out how to make a baby in a tree house. This girl made it a little too obvious she was gonna...well you can finish that thought. Timon and Pumbaa were watching from the bushes along with Mufasa and his yawning. That’s one show the animals could’ve lived without.
Emily and her cute little boots. Once again, Brad arrives in style. Who gets picked up for a date on an elephant?? Emily does. Conversation is always good with them. And Brad always has sweaty palms. I love that he reassured her that he is perfectly fine with his package. Oh wait - he is perfectly fine with the fact that she is a package deal. Yeah, that’s it. Over dinner, Brad’s nerves got the best of him. Is he afraid he’ll trip and fall? Does he see a deadly animal hiding in the bushes? Is he paranoid he’ll break wind in front of her? What’s with the sweating and fidgeting, Womack?! With this particular date, he was probably nervous about the date card. Would she say yes? Would she say no? Would she like the pink fuzzy handcuffs he brought? As she read the card, he squirmed as he peed his pants just a little. Then she starts making it obvious she was going to make the trip to the fantasy suite. At the first moment he realized she was saying yes, he wrestled his cheek muscles trying to hold back his over the top smiles. When he finally gave in, it was a beautiful moment! Not as beautiful as the moment she professed her love. Thought he was going to cry! Hook and line, meet sinker! That’s all he needed. Once again our little rule breaker crosses ABC’s lines by being the first Bachelor I can remember to tell a woman he loves her before the finale. Pitter patter.
Ashley is ecstatic to see her man and he acts slightly less than enthused. Another helicopter? Really? He didn’t put much creative thought into this. But then again, this IS the girl who made him eat french fries with gravy and cheese. My gag reflex has just now quit twitching. Ashley got the most gorgeous daytime date of all 3 of them though. The landscape was breath taking. It seemed as if it should be setting the stage for a phenomenal date. No such luck. That chopper ride is where the beauty ended. A picnic on a beautiful mountain in South Africa and she has an attack of honesty?? Ashley and her poor judgment. In that moment, revealing that she most likely wouldn’t be willing to relocate for him might not have been the brightest move. If you want to catch a Bachelor, a little compromise and ego stroking come with the territory. But instead we get selfish conversation, awkward silences and weird laughs. Yes she’d be willing to relocate...to Southern Maine! So basically, across town.
The daytime portion of this date set a less than ideal tone for dinner. However, the dinner/surroundings laid before them should’ve been a great way to move past the awkwardness of the day. But noooo, our little idiot has to bring up the sore subjects again. Smart! Real smart! Her immaturity has shown itself in other ways during the season, but it is on fire on this date! She honestly felt like she had secured her spot enough to get away with being a baby about things and being mildly insulting toward him. Is she in dental school or high school? It’s high school, I know it is. C’mon Brad she wrote your initials on her notebook, she OBVIOUSLY loves you. Just have faith! I like how he added, “happy to be here.” cricket cricket. I’m pretty sure she has no lining on the inside of her mouth considering she has once again chewed on herself the entire day and night.
The moment I dreaded, the fantasy suite card. He reluctantly gives it to her. She reads it, makes a paper airplane out of it, and sails it into the fire! Of course she said yes. Of course. She gets to make out somewhere besides a back seat after prom! The only kiss we saw, and I suspect the only kiss of the night, was excruciating to watch. He looked like he was kissing his grandma. Fail!
One hour and 27 minutes! I had lost hope! I couldn’t have taken 2 weeks in a row without it. I grant forgiveness after last week’s disappointment. Nevermind the fact that it took nearly an hour and a half...shirtless Brad is back. Thank you ABC. You have restored my confidence in your editors.
Harrison got himself a spray tan for the trip across the ocean. He sits and asks those scripted questions, draws his hands together out in front of his chest, and stares and nods as if he gives a crap what is on Brad’s mind. While Brad explains his thoughts and feelings in a Dr. Jamie type of way, Harrison is thinking, “yeah yeah yeah dude. You know Emily is the hottest. Easy-in-the-treehouse Chantal has plastic parents. Ashley has her high school graduation coming up soon. Stop yammering on about deep feelings blah blah blah and such, and get on with it. I have a safari to get to! Why are those bugs so flippin’ loud? Does anyone have any Deep Woods Off?”
I think we all felt what was coming next. He tests Ashley’s stamina by making her walk up 480 flights of stairs. Once again he does things his way. Instead of doing the rose thing, they take off. She knows what’s coming, I suspect. She hikes in her heels without making a sound, except for moans. After yet another tense and uncomfortable conversation, we witnessed an even more tense and uncomfortable buy-bye. She could’ve been a little more mature about it, though. Oh well, I’m sure she won’t have any trouble finding someone to take her to the homecoming dance.
Next week - the women tell all! YES! I love the craziness of that episode. Let the claws come out! Maybe Michelle has finally taken up a career in motivational speaking, lecturing females on how to be a real woman. Maybe Alli will be dressed in a color other than green. Maybe Melissa and Raichel will follow through with the cat fight they didn’t deliver on during filming! And maybe our sweet little Ash S. will grab Harrison’s butt!
One thought on the finale preview...it didn’t show him with anyone on the proposal spot. He was standing there waiting on Mrs. Right. I know he picks someone (Emily Emily Emily PLEASE), but it looks like he lets the loser go before the final rose ceremony. Probably “out of respect”... or maybe because he likes to be different. Either way, I have to keep the faith that he picks Em. If that is the case, I’d rather see Pickler as the next Bachelorette than Chantal. I think gravy potatoes couldn’t handle being the Bachelorette...and I couldn’t handle her mood swings!
Monday night, pop your popcorn and prop your feet up. I feel drama headed our way! The women WILL tell all! Until next week...