The Finale, She's The One

Well, let’s go back to my first post. I said, “I can’t say enough. Never have I ever seen a more perfect bachelorette. As a matter of fact, if she doesn’t win (and I think she will) the show would be crazy not to cast her as the next Ali... Emily. She is by far my favorite!” How’s that for an accurate early prediction?

We got to meet the Womacks. I need to call attention to the fact that for some time now, ABC has been previewing what we believed to be a distraught Brad seemingly hugging Emily in what could be taken as a goodbye hug. Brad, tightly hugging a blonde, his forehead veins protruding, obviously crying...the world  must have thought it was Emily without a doubt. I know I did. But well played, highly skilled television editors. It was his sister-in-law. I like to refer to that moment as “the hug that fooled the world.”

The family first met Chantal. She spoke with the brothers, but it was a forced conversation. It just didn’t flow. Awkward is the word I’d use for it. She told them she fell in love in Costa Rica, she’d marry him on the spot, yada yada yada. Who cares! I was busy trying to figure out which was the hotter twin and who the heck that other dude was because he bore no resemblance to the hottie twins! Hottie #2 said the fact that she’d been divorced before and still was ready to jump right into something new and get married on the spot screamed her feelings for Brad. And by that I believe he meant screamed desperation.

Next uncomfortable conversation - Mom. I think Momma Womack liked her. That said, it was almost in a sweet co-worker sortof way. Mom and Brad discuss Chantal on the porch. Seemed like a “I don’t want to be mean” kind of discussion. They point out good qualities using words like beautiful, warm, open & precious. Ouch. I heard no mention of love, passion, commitment or any other descriptive pointing to the long term. In the driveway she told him he better be smart enough to choose her. His response - “easy.” As if signs weren’t already jumping through the TV that she was one date away from the boot, there was an added kick in the face that she wasn’t even bright enough to catch on to. Probably because she is FULLY convinced she’s the one. Fully!

A doorbell rings. Hottie twin #1 (aka Brad Womack) does this dorky clap and gets that school-boy-in-love grin as he springs up from the couch to go see who’s there. Why, it’s the beautiful Em. His family’s reaction was just what I expected. One look at her and they forget all about what’s her name. They couldn’t take their eyes off of her. Who could blame them? She’s pretty much a perfect specimen...right up there in the Carrie Underwood league. They sit down for a nice family dinner together with their giddy grins. Everyone seemingly enamored with Em, they begin the awkward question and answer portion of the evening. Question number one involved little Ricki. Nobody seemed to be phased that she was a Mom. As a matter of fact, we later found out that it was a definite plus to the sisters in law. Moving on, hottie #2 unleashes question number two - how would Ricki’s dad feel about you moving to Austin. Uh-ohhhh. Open mouth. Insert foot. ABC strikes again! I have yet to figure out why they deliberately stage scenes so that Em has to tell her heartbreaking story again. The story that makes me cry every time. Seriously. Every single time! The dinner goes well, the family hearts her. She is their angel, as Brad is hers. 

Brad takes off with his brothers to sit on the rock bank and chat. All I can picture is the outtake from the previous week. You know the one. With the streaker in the background. Good stuff.

Conversation with Mom did not go the same way as it did with Chantal. None of that co-worker vibe. It was pure daughter in law vibes. For goodness sakes she cried in her interview because Em called Brad her angel. Yep, Mom loves her. Sisters in law love her. Hottie twin #2 and what’s his name love her. Done.

Now time for the final one on ones.

First, Channy Chan Chan. Going on these final dates is all for TV. Really, what’s the point. Oh well, it’s good TV I suppose.

Wouldn’t you know Chantal once again gets a water date. She’s not a fan of the underwater wetsuit scene, therefore she came to this date guns blazing. Fully armed and prepared to rock a wetsuit like no other and show off her girlish figure. Only.....it went awry. Somewhere in her planning, she failed to realize that there was no way to pull that plan off without making herself look a little - uhhhh - desperate. Yeah that’s the word I’ll use. Desperate. The word I contemplated using might be a little too crass for my blog. You know the word. It starts with S and ends with lutty. So I’ll stay with desperate. Kudos to ABC for doing a stellar job at building suspense- Oh my gosh, they might get eaten by Jaws! Because they are swimming with sharks. Inside a closed cage. With divers and cameramen all around. With a professional fisherman dangling bait in just the right place so that the sharks will swim in close proximity to the cage. Oh so scary. And I sure am glad she left her wet suit open to remind us she has a rack she likes to show off. Get out Chantal. Seriously. Get out! I’m over you. And it seems Brad is too. 

Part 2 of the date was less than passionate. Less than exciting. Less than romantic. At the end of the night it was a firm hug, cold peck kiss, quick escape & an obvious “goodbye forever” exit. Every nice thing Brad did on this date - insincerity personified. After rackfest, I mean sharkfest, they retire back at Channy Chan’s room. Admittedly, I was very opinionated about who I wanted him to pick. Therefore, I was probably past the point of  giving anyone else a crying chance. That said, though, I felt as if Chantal had a glass of wine with a side of oblivious. She seemed to be the only person on Earth not aware that he wasn’t exactly exuding romance on this “date.”  Even a die hard Channy fan had to see it. Nonetheless, she gave him a chalk map she drew in art class, which doubled as a moment of hilarity to viewers. Then she refers to him as Bradley while giving him a novel to cap this moment of seriousness, at what would soon become a failed attempt at a last ditch effort to win his heart. At the end of the super boring rendezvous back at her crib, he gives her a goodbye hug and a kiss and he retaliates for the Bradley thing by affectionately calling her Channy Chan. Weird.

Annnnnd in the spirit of saving the best for last, Em’s one on one aired after Channy’s. The editors worked overtime to try and throw us off the trail! It was quite a valiant effort on ABC’s part. For a minute I did get a little worried, but ultimately I read between the lines and knew what was going on. That’s right, ABC. You can’t fool me. The serious conversation plus Brad’s nerves weren’t enough.

I should now pay homage to the moment I waited for every week. The viewing audience received a double shot this week. The times were 1:23 as he rolled out of bed, and 1:31 as he was getting ready for the final rose delivery. I think we were twice blessed to make up for the week they deprived us!

Neil the jeweler showed up. After picking out a stunning ring, Brad reverted back to his Dr. Jamie days. He hadn’t seen Dr. Jamie in so long that he used poor Neil as his sounding board. Brad is talking about the last time he was on the show, his strong feelings toward one of these women, yada yada yada... while you can almost see Neil’s thought bubble encasing the words, “please pick the biggest diamond. ABC owes me for this!”

The girls reflected upon the season and their feelings toward Brad. After that, we began seeing snippets of the girls pre-rose. Chantal with her asymmetrical one-shoulder dress with crow feathers on the shoulder. Em in her elegant gold-toned flowy column dress. Both dressed to impress.

Brad sits atop his perch at what could be the worst proposal spot in Bachelor history! Normally the show plays games and goes back and forth with clips of each woman so that we don’t know which he actually picks until the very last minute. Not this time. He got right to the dumping, and ABC’s editors took the day off.

Once again, Brad’s famous line: You look beautiful.

Chantal: I really wish you’d find a new compliment.

Brad: I can’t help it. I’m nervous and I haven’t talked to Dr. Jamie in so long I don’t know what to say.

Chantal: C’mon Brad, just gimme the d*** ring.

Brad: Whoa whoa whoa. Not so fast. I gotta tell ya. I’ve been doing some thinking. Man, I love your Dad’s man hugs. I go to sleep at night thinking about your revealing red bikini. By the way, how did you hide your nips in that thing? Anyway, remind me to buy that issue of Sports Illustrated. I’m getting distracted. The man hugs. Yeah, and I also was quite turned on when you put on my white button up in Costa Rica. You know - the place where we fell in love...or so you say. Oh that was mean. I’m TRULY sorry. All of this stuff is true but I’m just not feeling it. I love somebody else.

Chantal: I can’t believe this. I thought showing you my family’s wealth would reel you in. And now. Now you leave me crying on a hilltop in South Africa. Dude. Daddy has had to get his own coffee and brush his own hair plugs for 3 months now. And NOWWWW these tears are messing up the makeup I so carefully slathered on this morning. How could you?

Brad: Because I’m a changed man. I honestly feel I’m doing the right thing. But the good news is that you have a built in snot wiper on your shoulder. Those crow feathers are sweet!

Chantal: Screw you, loser. I’m outta here.

As he watches the limo drive off he shows no remorse. He is happy with his decision. Chantal spared the feathers and used her hand to wipe her nose and neck as the snot and tears took over.

Brad transformed into a giddy school girl at this point. He chiseled their initials in the rock behind them as he waited on his Cinderella to arrive.

Em is “stunning” instead of beautiful. Kudos, Womack for finding a new adjective.

Brad stammers around and says a bunch of things that I didn’t pay attention to. Then he hits a knee. It’s not in Em’s nature to jump around and act over the top happy. But her joy was very apparent. Body language says it all and that girl was ecstatic. I knew she would be, though. She took it seriously from the beginning. And now she has a gorgeous ring on her finger. I really wish ABC wouldn’t have chosen Jackie’s song to be the one playing as they replayed Brad and Em’s relationship developing. Oh well, I love the song so it’s still a treat to hear.

The season closed just as I thought it would. Now I have to sit & suffer through a season of DWTS and find something else to watch while we wait for REAL tv to begin airing on Monday nights again. I already can’t wait for the Bachelorette!

As for After the Final Rose...I do have thoughts on that. Stay tuned.

Peace out, loyal readers.