Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! The ladies did not disappoint!
As expected the show began with flashbacks of earlier days. Enter Chantal’s slap. SCORE! I love that moment. In the beginning, I was appalled by it. However, it totally grew on me as the show progressed. It’s a source of humor. I rewound and watched it again...and again a third time. As Brad so eloquently put it, “it was the slap heard ‘round the world.” Yes sir, it was. Or at least ‘round my house a few times. I’d like ABC to have looped the slap + his response about 8 times just for my own personal amusement. Smack-OOOkay-smack-OOOkay-smack. We also got to relive the cotton candy and wine, the fangs, talk of “leakage” and cremation, and our resident WO-maaaan. **says in voice reminiscent of the infamous Sixteen Candles gym scene where Jake’s friend tells him, “You got Caroline. Now she’s a WO-maaaan.” **
How about the scenes from the Bachelor Pad casting parties? Woohoo. Kasey was there scoping out pretty toes and showing off his Guard-&-Protect-Your-Heart tattoo. Ty was there trying to look for a desperate woman to find him attractive. Craig was no doubt just trying to hook up with the easiest target there just to feel like he can “bag a babe.” Wes was trying to find one soul who isn’t sick of his one and only song. Rosalyn was scoping out the staffers to find her next target. Erica Rose (whoever the heck that is) was showing off some freakishly large, and OBVIOUSLY real, knockers. Gia was back with her words of wisdom coupled with added insult. Natalie was there just to annoy me. Vienna. Did my eyes play tricks on me? They brought that cross-eyed harlet back? Does she have a fan? I even caught a glimpse of Justin. He must have forgotten his fake leg cast and crutches because he was in the pool with some faceless chick who thought it appropriate to be topless. Nice crop of losers, ABC! Shaping up to be a fascinating BP!!
A paragraph dedicated to a couple of party guests that NEVER miss my radar. Sweet Ali. Plus the one and only. Lust inducing *tongue roll* Rrrrroberrrrrto. Sultry. Sensually delightful. Carnal perfection. Bootylicious. Salacious bag of temptation. Steamy. Randy. Aphrodisiac in beautiful brown packaging. Ummmm *throat clears*...my bad. Anyone have a light?
Just to point out and give props to the lady who admittedly has too much junk in her trunk, Miss Alli was dressed in, not green...but blue! Gold star for you! Better yet, give the girl a blue star to match her dress. The cast perches on their little contemporary stools. An unfamiliar woman takes front and center. Dark hair, bangs, scarlet lips, peculiar eye makeup, hair extensions, stylish clothes, voice like Ashley H. Wait. Was it? Could it have been? It couldn’t possibly be. Ok, maybe it was. I want old Ashley back! Madison. Where are the fangs? Where? She left them behind. But she certainly brought that big heart of hers. Why again did people not like her? I did and I’m proud of it! She should’ve flown her freak flag tonight though. Wave it proud, leader of the underworld!
ONLY 23 minutes people...23 minutes!!!! It’s like ABC is reading my blog and my mind. Lick your lips and recover from the Rrrrroberrrrto sighting!!
We flashback to the Raichel/Melissa saga. Nice little preview to the main event. The good news, we got a fang sighting. We also caught a glimpse of little peacock earring wearing, F-bomb dropping, bitter little Kim. So glad she didn’t show for this episode.
Lisa. The mousy little fuzzy-haired nobody jumped in and got the pot stirring about Michelle. Not sure she said more than 5 words all season, none of them memorable, and she of all people addresses the elephant in the room. And does it in such a way that she doesn’t look bad. Yes. She came to play, my friends. Then our cheating bartender jumps in. Yes ma’am she came to play, too! At first response, Cruella and her cornucopia of arrogant personalities appeared. But then - out of nowhere - personality 41. The one who graduated top of her class from Juilliard School of BS...I mean Drama. Tears. You heard me, the spider went down the water spout crying. The other ladies were on the attack. Harrison presses the pause button. Thanks for the tease, spray tan! Wait for it....
It’s time to pick back up on the saga. Wow with Raichel and that obvious out front clap. Immature and inappropriate? Maybe, but nonetheless...you go girl! I loathe Melissa! We were reminded of Michelle’s one shining moment - “The cougar needs to get back in her cage.” Aces! But there we went. The two girls couldn’t contain their disdain for one another. It was totally laughable that our cracked out cougar once again played the victim. Raichel did verge on self-destructive behavior and made herself look bad, however she didn’t bother me here because again...I loathe Melissa. That said, Raichel is WAY out of line for saying Melissa ruined her chances with Brad. These women were all in charge of their own actions. And Melissa is in charge of her onion and pepper breath. There’s a moment for the record books: Hiiiiiiiiiiiii Brad. Liiiiike my onion breath? I only ate foooouuuuurrrrr pieces.
Aaannnd the moment arrives. Personality 41 again. First I’ll address the fact that she uses the fact that she left a daughter at home for the show as justification for acting a fool. Ok, she left a daughter at home. So did Emily. She’s looking for a baby daddy. So is Emily. She missed her baby girl. So does Emily. Are we seeing the pattern? I have a bleeding heart. I can’t stand to see anyone cry and hurt. Or rather, I CAN’T STAND to see anyone cry and “hurt.” That’s more like it. Don’t overlook the quotations. As I watch the tears fall I keep picturing her saying, “I’d like to thank the Academy.” As the audience cheered for someone coming to her defense, I wanted to ask, “Did you WATCH the show?” Am I the only one out there that remembers ALL SEVEN episodes? That remembers the hate-riddled comments she made to the cameras after playing nice with everyone? That remembers the psychotic rants about the other girls, namely Chantal? That remembers her air elbowing Chantal? That remembers her jealous rages? She didn’t have one dark moment. She had SEVEN episodes worth of dark moments. The woman - notice I called her by her preferred title - we see tonight isn’t the Michelle we saw for nearly 2 months. Intense situations make people have intense moments. However, for 7 episodes she was consistently catty, jealous, two-faced, psychotic, manic and plain old hateful. That’s more than a moment. The girls sitting around her know it and they saw way more than we at home saw. They were with her 24/7. They were vocal. We could see Ash H.’s bleeding heart, but that’s not surprising. She’s gonna be sad if someone runs out of toilet paper. But the others stood up to the incessant crying which held zero weight for me. Harrison had to be her knight in shining armor? He actually said the words, “Like really?” Chris Harrison used the word ‘like’ in a sentence. That’s our own little woman rubbing off on him. She has a quota to reach: 10 ‘likes’ per sentence. Anyhoo, a commercial break and then... Personality 41 waivers. That old familiar hateful one shines through the saline drops, I mean tears. Did Harrison really accuse Jackie of being jealous? Someone replaced our intriguing host with a catty teenage girl. Let’s think about something. Michelle makes the comment that Brad needs someone like Emily. For me, that is code for, “Chantal is a no-good redneck snob and I’m so furious that she made it further than I did! Ugh, I hope lions and tigers eat her in the finale! She is no good for Brad and needs to be kicked to the curb.” Helllooo, she has openly hated Chantal for several weeks. OF COURSE she’s going to be team Emily!
Ash S. takes the hot seat in her sparkly potato sack dress. I’m so happy we got to see the infamous butt grab again! Well, infamous in my world anyway. Butt grabs are cool. And why am I just now noticing she was wearing a silly band in the exit limo in Vegas. Was it the shape of a Tar Heel? Elvis? The Vegas sign? Brad’s butt? I’m sorry but her time in the hot seat was a bit dull.
The girl that sorta kinda resembles Ashley H. takes the hot seat. Watching the carnival date, I’m wondering what happened. We saw the old Ashley. Jealousy, insecurity, tears, alcohol abuse, blond highlights, lower lid eye liner. Life before the weird Geisha phase.
Enter Womack. [I think] I love his enthusiasm about the fact that he is IN LOVE. I’m not sure he redeemed himself with our little North Carolina girl, Ash. He certainly didn’t make her feel any more marriage-worthy. He didn’t bother to explain why he thought she wouldn’t be a good wife. He only dished on himself by saying, “who the [H-E-double-hockey-sticks] am I to say?” Nice, Womack. You might as well have told her to go buy a cat, a bottle of scotch and a deck of Old Maid cards. Next - Michelle. So clearly he’s gonna defend her until he’s blue in the face. Right about now, I wanting to kick Papa Smurfs arrrrs! Really? Like we don’t remember the fear in your eyes, the contempt in your voice? C’mon son, you hated her as much as the rest of us. Now she sheds some tears, gives herself another black eye and a red nose, and all of a sudden she’s Mother flippin’ Teresa? Ok, is this really happening? Papa Smurf loved her confidence. And he apparently dumped her because “we are too much alike.” Ok Brad...whatever helps you sleep at night. Maybe YOU should be the one kicking your own *** since Michelle joked that she did that same thing. Because that’s what people do. They have throw downs with themselves in their sleep. Yeah that’s what happened.
The blooper reel. Ahhhh after an intense night, we get a few giggles. Ride that donkey, donkey. Elephant romance. A random perv watching girls jump on the bed until it breaks. Honorable mention: my sweet little Rockette Keltie. I sooo hoped she’d be there tonight, but no such luck. Moving on. Freakishly talented wine drinking toes. And my personal fave - a beach streaker. Nice seashells.
The recaps of the 2 finalists serve to remind me how much I love Emily. It also reminded me how hideous plastic faces and hair plugs are. I’d totally forgotten, although I don’t know how, Em’s gorgeous black dress from the first night! The preview for the finale looks like Capetown holds some drama. No matter what, though, I honestly feel like Emily is going to be the new Mrs. Womack. She’s the only one it previews walking down the stairs to where Brad is standing. It only shows Chantal getting out of the car. I’m reaching, yes I am. I can’t help it. I love me some Emily and have from day one. I have never wavered.
The end draws near. What’s a girl to do? How do I live without my beloved Bachelor? I’ll spend the next few months waiting on the next season of Bachelorette. So until next week, holding out hope...