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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Episode 7, How to Dodge Imaginary Bullets


The most boring episode ever begins by showing us a view from above of Belize. Rain forest type terrain, ancient temples, large waterfalls, more muddy rivers & Ben in his scoop neck striped tank top. Sorry, had to include that eye catching piece of attire. And not eye catching in a good way. The girls arrive in a paper airplane...or something of the sort. They are all nervous as ever about scoring a hometown. 
Chris shows up in his olive linen pants to let the girls know Ben is ready to tie the knot. He explains the importance of what will happen in Belize - 3 intimate one on ones and a group date. Someone from the group date gets a rose, but no roses for the one on ones.
Lindzi gets the first date. “Two halves make a whole” Courtney had to read the card. I wanted to ask her how that tasted coming out of her mouth. Oddly enough, though, Nicki is the one having a hard time with it. And then Emily makes some sort of cheesecake reference. Never joke about cheesecake, my friend.
Lindzi gets taken away via helicopter. I’ve already worn that out, so I’ll give it a rest now. Ben explains this blue hole to her. She is terrified of course because ABC magically nails everyone’s biggest fears. When will these girls learn to opt out of that question in the screening process. So after they smooch a bit, the helicopter lowers them to the water. Our sweet Lindzi eloquently expressed her fear of this leap by exclaiming “holy bleep balls.” Michelle giggles. No, I don’t know why I’m referring to myself in third person. As soon as they hit the water, a mysterious boat appears. Man all of this coincidental timing is really working out for them.
The evening brings floating lanterns, a picnic on the dock, a peach dress & a peaceful night.
Back at the resort, Courtney continues to claw her way under everyone’s skin. The date card comes and Emily gets it. “Do you Belize in love” Courtney’s interview reveals her already obvious insecurity that she attempts to cover up with her evil ways. It’s not too often I take comfort in the pain of others, but in this case - I love it! 
Lindzi, hair looking ever so disheveled, expresses her desire for him to meet her parents. Then they have a check yes or no moment with their note writing. George Strait would be proud. They make their way to sit on the end of the pier, empty vodka bottle in hand, to litter in the bay. Shame shame kids. And this mildly boring date comes to an end.
Emily takes off on her date and what do you know, Courtney’s interviews reveal her ongoing contempt slash jealousy for Emily. But who cares about her. As Emily’s plane lands, Ben ducks to avoid....well I’m not sure what he was trying to avoid. They hoop it up, head to the flea market for a Hello Kitty ring, then off to watch the locals with their lobster harvest. And just by chance, I mean the coincidental occurrences are just uncanny, they are able to hitch a ride out to lobster hunt. You’d think that would be exciting, but I found it underwhelming. They didn’t even have claws. What a rip off.
Again we see Courtney’s insecurities...and her crying. Seriously, I think I should feel guilty about finding pleasure in her pain. But I don’t. Take that, crazy. Don’t choke on your snot.
Back to the evening portion of Emily’s date. She tries to rectify the tense moments from the past. She extends a formal invitation for him to come home with her. Ben stumbles over words and talks about her brains, then her beauty, then the chatting, then he leans in for a kiss. I’m all for the sweet kissing scene, but do we REALLY have to see tongue wrestling? Eww.
Back at the house we are still listening to Courtney whine about not getting a date. And just by coincidence (catching the theme here?), she gets the date card. “Let’s take the next steps in our relationship” 
Courtney: Ohhhh snap. I told you suckers I’d get it. It’s about time. Woohoo. That’s exciting. See, I told you so. He knows what’s good for him. Snap. Eat it stupid girls! I hate you all.
I don’t think I even have to put a response on paper. Hope she doesn’t choke on the tarantulas.
Yet another date arrives on a paper airplane. Ben takes her through the forest and stumbles upon a Mayan temple. Purely coincidental. They climb to the top for a picnic. They sit and sweat as she lets him know she was prepared to dump him if she hadn’t gotten her way... I mean... a date. 
The other girls are finally figuring out what a black widow this woman is. They predict she’ll dig her own grave.
Back atop the temple, Ben talks about wanting a girl with edge. A girl that’s weird. A girl that’s nicely unique. By that does he mean evil, selfish & insecure? Anyhoo, they climb on up to the top with their bottle of - well I’m not sure. Is it beer? Is it wine? Is it moonshine? A urine sample, maybe?
Ben: Oh my Dad. That’s what I say. I feel closer to him than ever.
Courtney: Like do I look like I care?
Ben: My bad. I should’ve known you don’t like talking about things other than yourself.
Courtney: Snap.
Ben: Have you re-found the spark?
Courtney: Yes and like I’m going to like use it to like light Emily’s hair like on fire.
Ben: Will there be marshmallows?
Courtney: Yep. And there’ll be like an entourage of people waiting to like reassure me of like my undying beauty.
Ben: Great. So I’m off the hook for a little while.
Courtney: Like yep. And like snappity snap oh snap.
Evening dinner talk consisted of awkward moments. Moments I found difficult to watch. After her string of sentence fragments ending in something about keeping the ball going, they move on to family talk. She spews another string of sentence fragments with about 38 likes thrown in. Then he leans in for a kiss and she pulls away. He leans in for another and she pulls away again. Then comes about the most interesting interview clip yet. Snap girls. Pack your bags. Show’s over. [Insert air gun shooting here] Pshew Pshew... pshew pshew pshew. Killshot. I don’t wanna get cocky though.
Huh? Seriously, what?
Group date. Rachel, Nicki, Kacie. “Let’s sea whose family I will meet” I’m so glad these girls are finally seeing Courtney’s true colors. Black black and black.
Courtney rambles at dinner about how nobody ever asks her about her life. Ummm because nobody gives a rip. Then she says she’s bored by these vanilla girls. Ummm she’s bored because everything the intelligent girls say goes straight over her head. Then she brags about all of her guy friends. Red flag! She isn’t impressed by these girls and their big words and their complete sentences and their articulation.
Ben gets the girls up at the crack of dawn for their date. Sleepy eyes, dry shaving of arm pits (ouch), morning breath, oh the glories of pre-dawn wakeup calls. They set sail for some mimosas and shark diving. What’s this I hear? Twilight’s biggest fear is sharks? ABC execs are so smart! But I’m not impressed by these vanilla executive types. I mean, they haven’t ever even called me to ask my opinion on casting. I’ve tried and tried to win them over but they just don’t care. I’m telling Ben about this.
Rachel gets a lot of time while shark diving. She gets even more time when they get back to the resort to sip on pina coladas. As she talks about her family, he is distracted by the sun reflecting off of her nose ring. He leans in for a kiss to make the talking stop. Nicki gets some time of her own next. She is happy to proclaim she loves him. Then she goes off to spread the word to the sea shells, the palm trees & the bleeping ocean. Kacie finally gets some alone time in the hot tub. Although I’m not quite sure what they were talking about because I was assessing the   enormity of the floral mess protruding from her ear. It must have been great conversation, though, because she got the rose. Now maybe she’ll throw away that peculiar tropical flower that has now migrated to the back of her hair. The girls jump in there with some information about Courtney. Info that a normal person would take to heart. But not Ben. His schizo radar is completely broken. What has happened to our sweet winemaker from Sonoma? Or is it San Fran? Why am I rapidly losing respect for him? Well I guess I know why. It’s just a hard pill to swallow.
Pre-rose ceremony, the girls sit and chat about the seriousness of the night. Well all of the girls except the one talking baby talk to her tiny umbrella. Everyone with a brain is nervous about the situation. 
The rose ceremony begins and Ben pulls Courtney aside. In that moment, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought yep this is it. He questions her about her behavior. She justifies everything. The other girls speculate on what’s going on. Courtney comes bouncing back like she’s won the lottery. Still, he gives the first rose to Nicki. So happy about this one. Next, Lindzi. She gives us the weekly shoulder shrug. Sweet. The final rose goes to Courtney. He can’t wait for the overnight dates. That’s the only explanation for this. She takes her ants-in-the-pants skip to claim the rose and then to reclaim her spot. She shoves her nose in her rose - oh look I made a rhyme - to throw some salt in Emily’s wound. Rachel doesn’t even get walked out. She seems distraught. She better watch all of that sobbing. That nose ring might catch some unsavory things on their way out. Emily keeps her cool and exits in a dignified manner. Another blonde bites the dust. Good luck next week, Lindzi. The last blonde standing. By the way, I sure hope Ben is watching now and seeing all of these hateful things Courtney is doing and say for the camera. Despicable.
Next week, hometowns. The families seem fairly well-rounded.  Courtney has some sort of makeshift wedding scenario set up in the back yard, complete with ivy and lattice. A family dinner complete with a creepy looking sister with two-toned hair and a creepy old man philosophizing about love and marriage and Las Vegas....or something like that.
Oddly, the show’s editors save the most entertaining portion of each episode for the final 20 seconds of the show. This time - a tarantula crawling up Courtney’s arm. Why not something more interesting than a big spider? Where are the velociraptors when you need them? Ohhh snap. Pshew pshew.
And just in case you don’t know what a killshot looks like, here’s your demonstration. You're welcome.


 Until next week, friends.

1 comment:

  1. I can't wait until the Women Tell All and After the Final Rose episodes. He will announce that he is an idiot and still single!

    ReplyDelete