Episode 9, Holy Bleep With A Side of OMG

My apologies to my loyal readers. I am behind this week due to computer issues. But here is this week's recap! Happy reading...


Opening reel. Previews for tonight’s episode. We got an audio clip of the mystery girl shown last week. Sure sounds a lot like Shawntel. Since I’m writing this blog in real time, I can make that prediction. Seems too obvious, but still. Sounds like the voice of our morbid trouble maker from a few weeks back. Is ABC that desperate for some good drama in this mundane season?

And a peek at sweet Emily. She’s finished with Brad - despite his ripped torso - and ready to go on the journey that has already failed her once. I’m thinking a few of this season’s crop are doing some heavy seething over this since they most likely were jonesing for that position. But back up, chicas - make room for Em! ABC owes us! After putting us through Ashley's season...which should have been rightfully Em's. Just ask William and Tim and  Mask and Bentley and the guys.

Ben lets us know we are headed to Switzerland while he struggles with all of his mixed up emotions. Ben sits at his window seat and flashes back to all of the good times he has experienced with these women. We almost forget that Lindzi is the daughter of Harry Cox and Mrs. Ed. We don’t almost forget that Courtney is a nutbag slutowski. We were also reminded that Charlie Sheen is her hero. Winning.

After the cartoon map plots out for us this week’s destination, we get a glimpse of the lovely landscape we will experience as we watch this season come to a screeching halt an end.

First up in Switzerland - Nicki. They take a ride to a gorgeous mountain top [what feels like] 30,000 feet above sea level. As they yawn in hopes of a little ear popping, they proceed with conversation and try to ignore the impending nose bleeds caused by the altitude. I am distracted by her eye-catching purple pea coat and matching nail polish...perfectly accessorized with a white cashmere scarf and brown leather riding boots. But I’m pretty sure they talked about love, Daddy similarities, and some other serious stuff. In a bewildering turn of events, a chopper picks them up. It then drops them at another location appearing to be one wrong step away from ending this season. If there isn’t even enough flat surface to land a helicopter, doesn’t that raise a red flag? Someone please tell me this was Photoshopped. Creepiest image ever.

That nightmare ends and dinner finally begins...on flat land. But in a log cabin, with stumps as chairs. Man, talk about taking the good with the bad this entire day. I’m good with a log cabin. A stump chair...not so much.

Side note: If you haven’t deleted this off of your DVR, please go back and watch Ben’s interview clip 25 minutes in. What’s up with his hair? I literally laughed out loud.

Fantasy Suite Card time. Ben is on the edge of his seat waiting to find out if he gets to knock the dust off of his bedpost whittling knife for the first time since skinny dip night. Nicki bypasses the pleasantries and goes straight for the jugular.

Nicki: Well? When do we go?

Ben: Right now, yo! I was at the pharmacy ALL.DAY.LONG. I am equipped with a nice glow-in-the-dark raincoat.

Nicki: Aces. Let’s blow this pop stand!

Ben: You said blow.

Michelle: Glow in the dark, Ben? Really? And reel it in, Madonna. You can whip out your cone bra in due time.

They make their way to their fantasy chalet aka fire hazard of a love shack. Nicki looks into Ben’s eyes to share some serious sentiments. Ben looks into Nicki’s eyes and counts the seconds until he lays his eyes on her high beam headlights. I’m referring to her car, dirty minds.

Date 2 - Lindzi. Ben, still basking in the afterglow from the night before, embraces Lindzi and her dimple. They make their way over the woods and through the river and....oh never mind. They arrive at destination holy bleep with a side of omg. Rappelling into a ravine. Nobody wants to look down. Omg. Holy bleep. What’s up with Ben’s red belt? I’ve never seen him step outside of the earth tone color wheel. Such a risk taker! Ohh Emm Gee for real.

They head up to a lodge and bask in the warm water in the hot tub time machine listening to a Motley Crue album. After Lou and the one-armed bellhop fail to show up, they crawl out disheartened that they didn’t get the 1986 experience.

Evening falls and Lindzi gets taken to something not resembling a log cabin. Perhaps he feels this one was less than a sure thing, hence the wine and dine atmosphere. Dinner conversation felt redundant. She likes him. She loves him. She wants some more of him. She wants a ring, but instead gets a mysterious envelope.

Lindzi: Oh yay. Does this involve jumping off of something?

Ben: The chandelier maybe. By the way, I went to the pharmacy earlier and got some candles and a Marvin Gay CD.

Lindzi: Woohoo. Dumpsville, population zero baby!

Michelle: Don’t forget to bring your whip, Dale Evans.

Lindzi delivers the old one-liner so many girls have used before - “I don’t normally do this, but...” Ok, sister. You don’t normally do this. We believe you. Mmmkayyy. Cowgirl up. And with a wink and a nod and an “I like where this is going,” they take off to Spongebob’s lair just before closing the door to seal the deal.

And the date we knew they’d show last. The one and only. The sure thing of all sure things. I’m pretty sure a paddle boat ride and a Big Mac is enough for this girl to accept the fantasy suite key. Ben is back to his earth tones with a wool caramel-colored pea coat he stole off of Michelle Obama. He picks up Courtlip for a train ride through the Alps. Why does she get the good day-date? She baby talks her way through the date, bouncing and skipping around in such a way that I literally clawed at my neck with fierce intent due to the extreme nature of my exasperation. Stop bouncing, Courtney. Stop it now. She gets a cute picnic on a hillside with beautiful landscape in the background. She doesn’t deserve such a perfect afternoon. The only redeeming quality of this date...the thought of her stepping in a cow pile. How much fun would that be! Every time she brushes her hair back (which is every 4 seconds), I am distracted by her shirt sleeves. Now I’m no fashionista by any stretch of the imagination. However, I’m confused by the length of these sleeves. Anyhoo. The conversation gets a little tense. A second redeeming quality of this date. Here’s to hoping this is the nail in the coffin. Then we get another interview clip of her upset. Redeeming quality number 3! This has turned out to be a satisfying date for me, after all. Winning.

Ben takes the lady in black - literally head to toe black - to a wine cellar. Immediately the subject from earlier is brought up. She jumps into her outpouring of excuses. She wants everyone to think she regrets acting like a tool all season. C’mon. This is just ridiculous. A bleeding heart optimist might try to see some good in her. A realist such as myself still sees the horns. Careful everyone. Let down your guard with someone this wicked and you’ll get burned.

Ben: I have something for you.

Courtney: Oh. There’s an envelope in your pocket. I thought you were just glad to see me.

Ben: This is a big step for me.

Courtney: I have to read the card? THAT is a big step for me. What if I can’t pronounce one of those long words people sometimes use?

Ben: Don’t worry, I got your back.

Courtney: Ben and Courtney, welcome to the amazing city of Interlaken. Look, I said a big word! Winning! I hope you’re enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. How do you feel about this?

Ben: Well I have an envelope in my other pocket too. Oh wait...

Courtney: Enough said. Let’s go. The card did say something about interlocking. Just sayin.

Ben: Great. I went to the pharmacy earlier and I got an STD test. You mind taking it?

Michelle: Don’t bother Ben. She wouldn’t understand the instructions. The boiling hot water washed it all off anyway.

Next we get a few more previews of next season. Did Ashley really compare her story with JP to Jack and Rose?! Ugh the blaspheme! Reality TV “romance” vs. great love story aboard a beautiful ship - two totally different things. Oh that Hebert just grates on my last nerve. 

And the moment we’ve been waiting for. Don’t forget, I’m writing in real time so as I type I still do not know who we are about to see. I just hope I’m wrong about it being Shawntel. Annnndddd I’M WRONG! Yay. It’s my girl Kacie. If not for being conceived by the Cleavers, she’d be getting her shot in Switzerland. Her hometown should’ve consisted of baton twirling and her sister only. But unfortunately it didn’t.

So Ben reacts with a holy bleep and and obvious pant. Kacie wants answers. Ben validates her fear that her family ruined it for her. She now reveals to him that even though she respects her parents, she doesn’t do what they say. She should’ve already told him that. As he realizes that she isn’t prudish like her parents, he kicks himself. You can almost see a thought bubble with the words holy bleep in it. But what’s done is done. She didn’t slip away without letting him in on a few tidbits of info about crazy Courtney. Hopefully it resonated with him. We shall see.

Before the final roses, Ben sits with this charming stranger named Chris. Where has he been this week? Ben rehashes his decisions. He seems to regret some things. I like to think he regrets sending Kacie home. But so far, my predictions haven’t exactly been on par. What are the chances he’ll choose nobody and instead pull a Jason Mesnick and revert back to someone he sent home? A girl can dream.

Rose ceremony. Lindzi enters in her flattering navy blue plunge neck gown. Nicki in her sassy little white number with hair brushed to one side. And lastly, Morticia Adams. What’s up with all of the black she’s worn on this episode? And those black panythose? What the. Did she forget to shave her legs? Is she allergic to the mountain air? Did she go emo with these newfound feelings of “regret” she claims to be coming to terms with? Does she see gloom and doom in her near future? Whatever the case may be, gross.

First rose - Lindzi

Next rose - Courtney

WHAT?! Holy bleep! OMG! Why Ben why. Are the ABC execs holding onto creative control for ratings? The only, and I do mean ONLY, good thing about this is that she won’t be there next week for TWTA. Yipee! Can’t wait to hear these girls talk about the dagger Courtney twisted in their backs all season.

Back in the day, I wanted to start an “I Hate Ashley Hebert” fan club. There’s a second club I’d like to start now. Replace Ashley Hebert with Ben Flajnik. He might actually be the biggest moron to ever hold the title of The Bachelor...aside from Jake, that is.

We don’t get much in the way of previews for the finale. Looks like a little fun, a little drama, but no peek into anything proposal. In past episodes, we have seen glimpses of a thin girl in a long black dress, but nothing more. Nothing beyond someone walking up the hill. We see no facial expressions, no tears, no smiles, none of the things we used to get from a finale teaser. What are we to think of this? I’m so confused I can’t even speculate. For now, I’m focused on next week. The Women Tell All episode. Where it’s no holds barred. Cat eat cat. I’m ready. Let’s do this. Until next week, friends. I depart from tradition by refraining from leaving you with an unflattering pic of the most hated contestant ever. Instead, I’m all about the happy memories tonight.

I leave you with this piece of joy...

And remember this? Don’t you miss it...