Episode 6 - Creepers, Loin Cloths and 2b 2gether 4ever

First, I must say I am happy to have gone all day without hearing any details about last night’s episode. I stayed off of facebook, I didn’t turn on a TV, I even asked a fellow Bachelor watcher to keep her Bachelor talk to herself today. Yipee! I made it through the day without a spoiler!

Opening scene - Panama City. Some lovely landscape, some concrete jungle, lots of tall buildings & some happy girls. They pull up to their digs for the week. Peculiar shaped building, don’t ya think? Last week, the Piragua/snow cone. This week, Trump Ocean Club. I sense a theme. Courtney is already talking about skinny dipping. SHOCKKKKKERRRRR. 

Ben galavants about PC in his jacked up Jeep. Hmm. He, as opposed to our charming host, explains the dates this week. Finally! A two-on-one. I love those!

Before they find out the date situation, Blakeley sits and wishes for a long-awaited one-on-one. I find myself pulling for her. By the way where IS Chris, anyway?

First date. Kacie B. “Will our love survive? Pack three things.” Interjection: Loving the red Chuck Taylor’s. Courtney, poor insecure heartless spiteful Courtney, is showing her colors already. Although I have to give her props for her statistics lesson. She informs us that Kacie’s date could go one of two ways. Either Kacie stays or Kacie goes. Good thing she told us that! Wonder if she’ll also let us know what happens when you flip a coin. Bet she could help us work some lines in Vegas.

Kacie gets a heli ride... straight to an uninhabited island. Hello Gilligan! Kacie pulls out her bag of tricks. Ben pulls out his kidnapper’s survival kit. I guess the Skipper left them the wine and glasses. Benny uses the machete to butcher Wilson’s friend the coconut. Our host Jeff Probst...oh wait, wrong show. Anyway, the professor finally breaks open the coconut. He and MaryAnn netted a fish, which the ABC interns baked for them. They drank pina coladas from a coconut. And they held on to that one lone Fedex package addressed to Thurston Howell. Oh wait...wrong show again.

Night falls. They take solace in a dinner table and pleasant conversation on dry land. 

Date card: “Let’s Get Lost.” Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S, Courtney, Jamie. They all pretend to be excited about the group date. That leaves Rachel and Blakeley for the final date. Blakeley is oddly pumped about it, while it’s Rachel’s nightmare. I would say some confidence - and lack thereof - are definitely coming in to play here. I am personally stoked about it.

Back to the date. By now they are sweating profusely. Kacie’s hair is starting its thing. Ben’s face is fire engine red and his hair is sticking to his forehead. At this point he’s tired of talking and he’s over the 120 degree patio, so he gives her the rose and takes off to find the air conditioner.

Group date on a muddy river. Apparently, someone sent a memo that said wear your shortest shorts. Ok, I am someone who would love to travel the world (or most of it anyway) and experience all it has to offer. But a date in a floating, well let’s just say Piragua, is not my thing. So they pull up to this steep muddy bank where little boys are playing soccer in their little loin cloths. Ben and his girls creep up the bank to search for the fleeing boys. Where I come from, that’s called stalking. All of the sudden the half naked village comes out to greet them. Lindzi points out the language barrier. I was astonished that Emily didn’t bust out her Rosetta Stone skills she had on display last week. But sadly, we are left to wonder what the natives were saying. Although I’m thinking they were speculating on the loose girl with the weird lip who went commando up top. Then she shook “them” in front of the little boys. So now we’ve went from stalker to pedophile. Anyhoo, they move on to body painting. B plus C equals heart. Aww how sweet...in a 12 year old Strawberry Shortcake notebook kind of way. Next, tribal dancing. If you still have this episode DVR’d, please tell me what is going on with Ben’s loin cloth in the back as he dances with Courtney. The vixen pulls a line from My Best Friend’s Wedding and proclaims she’s got moves he’s never seen before. How very unoriginal of her. And finally, the worst date ever comes to an end. The evening brings a dry patio. Lindzi pulls him aside and brushes back her dress to reveal her floral bikini top. I lost just a bit of respect in that moment. After all, didn’t our resident freak do that last week? It gets her a look and a kiss from Benny-boo, so whatever.

Back at kitty towers, the date card arrives. We already know the who. Now we find out the what. “Save the Last Dance For Me.” And in a twist, a second card. “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” Blakeley continues her confidence while Rachel becomes increasingly put off by it.

On the patio, Ben steals Courtney and she thinks someone needs to call the authorities. She then informs him she’s in room 1611. That’s sixteen, carry the two, eleven. Thanks for that math lesson, Ben. Go to Vegas with Courtney to help her with the over/unders. But I digress. Jamie is jonesing for some lip action so she pulls him aside to reassure him of her attraction to him. In the background, a strumpet in a white string bikini steps up her tart game and tantalizes him from afar. Nice. And by nice I mean tacky. That’s T - A - C - K - Y. If I didn’t feel contempt for her before, I certainly would now. The distraction set in and poor Jamie didn’t get her kiss. Grrrr. Emily’s turn for some alone chat. They get back on track. Yay the tides have turned and Emily is focusing on herself rather than crazy girl. She issues an apology to weird lip and all she gets in return is some snarky comments about not forgiving and forgetting. Wow. So not only did Emily redeem herself (bazinga), she also inadvertently exposed the side of Courtney she’d been hiding so well. Double bazinga! And the icing on the cake - he didn’t show up in room 1611 for the ole BC! Triple bazinga, yo!

Two-on-one time. Rachel has on some hot shorty shorts and strappy heels. Did Blakeley really wear a v-neck balloon romper. Oh no she didn't. Girl, please call Brad Goreski next time. Salsa dancing. Aces. Pink is definitely my favorite color, but that dress was a little... uhhh... Hello Kitty. Rachel’s blue dress, on the other hand - so cute. Speaking of Twilight, she was feeling pretty good when she had the dance. But the second she was on the sidelines, she began to crumble. Apparently her over the top bangs and 27 pieces of ear and nose metal weren’t enough to keep her confidence up. Blakeley’s sexiness is apparently more than he-woman can take. So that awkwardness ends and they commence to Las Clementinas where more awkwardness ensues. Rachel gets her alone time which seemed a little less than romantic. Blakeley shows him her scrapbook de Ben. But ultimately it wasn’t enough to win the rose. She storms off, he catches her, he gives her a speech that doesn’t quite secure the bandaid in place, he makes her tackle a downhill walk on cobblestone in heels, puss in boots watches. Overall a bummer of a night. And just as I was feeling a connection with our VIP cocktail waitress, poof she’s gone.

Back at the tower, we finally lay eyes on Chris for the first time. Where HAS he been? He asks to speak to Casey privately. They head outside for a heart to heart. Apparently Chris has talked to her “ex,” Michael. Do they live together? Not live together? Are they still involved? Not still involved? Thank you Casey for not clearing anything up except that you are still in love with him kinda sorta, and that you just want to be with someone who will marry you even if that means someone besides your true love. Chris calls for a confession to Ben. That leads to a long ride to the airport in a mini-van, sobbing all the way. Back home to deal with her issues. My opinion: she was sobbing for Michael, not for Ben. Either way, good riddance. Maybe your pal Courtney will join you at the airport!

At the cocktail party, its dog eat dog. The girls are pawing at him and making all sorts of moves on him. Jamie busts out her inner Mae West and starts throwing around some wild innuendoes and flirtatious remarks. She jumps atop him, almost rips her dress in the process, and giggle kisses him. After a none too graceful dismount, she plans out every step of an impending kiss. That was seriously the most awkward kiss I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I literally felt sorry for her. WHAT was she thinking. I was so uncomfortable even watching it. I literally said - out loud - WHAT IS THIS?! It was clumsy, gawky and just plain painful to watch. My eyes! My eyes! Bless her heart.

Rose recipients for this odd evening:

Nicki - Woohoo.

Courtney - No words. There are just no words.

Emily - The look on Courtney’s face. Sweet.

It’s goodbye to Jamie. What a catch. She let her nerves get the best of her. She’ll make some lucky man very happy someday, even with the giggle kissing.

Next week - Belize. Beautiful landscape. Fun dates. And the best part? Courtney might be in trouble. Yeah yeah yeah, creative editing can make us believe whatever they want us to believe. But I’m holding out hope that he finally sees her for what she is. I’m going to be nice and not use the kind of language that would fittingly describe her. You know the saying, if you don’t have anything good to say....

Thank you Emily for providing us with some more white girl rapping. Stellar performance. Well, comical anyway.

Until next week, here’s hoping weird lip gets the ax! Cross your fingers, people. Cross them tightly. I leave you with this. Courtney in her comfort zone...