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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Episode 4, Tierrible With a Side of Crazy


Chris Harrison starts the show off for us. Skipping over the gratuitous ab shots and going straight for the throat. Ladies, ladies, ladies, get in here. Good morning. Since 3 sad saps left us last week, we are down to 13 now. Things are going well. Sean is confident his wife is in the room. He hopes for more makeout time as we head into this week’s dates. Here is the first date card. Exit Chris. And just when I thought we went straight for the jugular this week, enter Sean in nothing but his skivvies. Wardrobe may have dropped the ball on this one. Athletic shorts are way cuter than boxer briefs, even if they are Calvin Klein. But whatever. Lesley reads the first date card. Selma, Let’s turn up the heat. Our beautiful Middle Eastern skips off to get ready, dodging eye darts from Sybil, or as we later learn is her new nickname, Tierrible. Selma is ecstatic. Leslie is not. Ugh the waterworks wear me out. 

Sean arrives to pick up Selma. It seems Tierra couldn’t devise an evil plan to “fall” from a balcony or contract the swine flu only seconds before he walked through the door. But fear not, she will continue to ponder this.

Selma wants the world to know she weighs 110 pounds. Yeah girl, so does my left thigh. Strike one. The jet - i.e. Chuck E. Cheese - seems to be a place where a kid can be a kid. Miss Selma plays the baby talk card by asking “are we north, are we south, it couldn’t possibly be west giggly giggly, is my elbow making you uncomfortable”... but nonetheless, said jet hauls them to a remote location which she anticipates will be super romantic and crazy awesome. But alas, they arrive in the land of cacti and Gila Monsters. She exclaims her disappointment to the camera. She is an Iraqui who does not do well in heat... AT ALL. Sean, please. Take her back to the land of the dancing bears with banjos. Whatever you do... make the complaining stop. As my dear husband so poignantly said, “If you’re there for the right reasons, you’d be satisfied with a corner booth at McDonald’s.” Well said, handsome. Selma continues her rant about how terrible this is. She hates heights. She feels puffy. She’s used to wearing 6 inch heels. The ladies won’t stay comfortably tucked into her gray baby tank. He tells her she’s doing great but she isn’t interested in his encouraging words. Plus her tatas are ALL over the place and completely damaging my corneas. Strike 2.

After she shows her man she can climb this big ole rock baby, they head off in the yellow Rubicon to another unknown spot in the desert where he can take her out of her element. The local KOA Campground. Yep, that’ll do the trick. That’s out of everyone’s element. Way to go, big daddy. Sean proceeds to tell her about the one serious relationship he’s had. Excuse me? One? What about Ems? Show some respect, man.

Back at the house, the date card arrives. Tierra exclaims, “I don’t need no chaperones anymore.” I think we can all agree grammar isn’t her strong suit. Who's with me? Group date card: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra - I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Conversation resumes back at KOA. Selma confesses that her Mom isn’t happy about this whole thing. She plans to refrain from kissing him unless he chooses her in the end. Ok, yeah. That’s gonna happen. One word... overnights. Strike 3. I’m done. But apparently Sean is not. He gives her the rose without getting kissed. Have fun with that forehead kissing, bro.

The group date limo heads out. Lindsay thinks they are rolling down a hill in hamster balls. Huhh? But it'll be none of that stuff. It’s roller derby time, yo! Time to get hairy. Capital L isn’t feeling this date whatsoever. Tierra is ready to knock some B*****s down! Amanda tells the other girls she’s an experienced derby'er just to get in their heads. Atta girl. Way to play dirty. Sarah, on the other hand, might be a tad focused on her physical disability. I admit I have had an affection for her, but since episode 2 I have felt the tendencies of an abundance of sugary sweetness. And now, it’s verging on whiny as well. C'mon, chica... grow some brass, strap on your knee pads and get out there! I get it, the arm thing presents a challenge, but the word of the day is overcome. Oh well, at least she has capital L as her cheerLeader. Amanda falls flat on her face, which might have given her cover away. Does an experienced roller derby girl fall on her face? No, but apparently in INexperienced roller derby girl gets carted off in a silver SUVish vehicle because she bumped her chinny chin chin. Seriously girls! This is making me earnestly question my level of testosterone. Am I really a man? Am I hopelessly hateful? Do I have no patience for weak women? Yeah, that third thing.

Now we move on to Steve Perry assisted slow skating. Geez. Are you kidding me? Take me back to 7th grade. Ok ok ok, I need to behave.

The girls finally get to dress up and drink wine. It’s what they’ve waited for all day. Sarah gets some time alone with our bachelor and uses it to further call attention to her physical challenge. As if we weren’t already aware. Tierra professes her dedication to NOT getting a sympathy rose. Check. Amanda shows up with her “injury” which incidentally is reminiscent of an “injury” we witnessed last week. 

The final one-on-one date card arrives at the mansion. Leslie H - Could this be forever? Des then pops open part #2...diamond earrings. It’s Leslie’s Pretty Woman date.

Rejoining to zoo crew, Robyn prods Tierra and brings on a fury from our caged lion. I can’t handle her level of immaturity. She wants to know if Robyn is in high school still. Well gee, T, you tell us. Did you see her in gym this morning? 

Tierra: Why should I live like this every day? I’m being tortured.
ABC Producer: Are you saying someone has inflicted torture upon you?
Tierra: Not technically, but I can’t take the fakeness.
ABC Producer: Fakeness? Yeah girl. That’s a word.
Tierra: Why are you being so mean? Don’t you think I’m beautiful? And don’t you like my hula hoop earrings? And and and.....
ABC Producer: Should I call Dr. Phil?
Tierra: Do you think he could make Sean buy my tears? I cannot take it. I cannot take it. I came on The Bachelor to monopolize his every minute and now look. Just look. I’ve had to succumb to the suffering and undue stress caused by my not being the center of everyone’s attention.
ABC Producer: Whaaaa??
Tierra: Oh shut up, just interrupt Sean so I can steal time from these other Bs!

The Oscar goes to Tierra. She gets the sympathy rose she was "trying so desperately" to avoid. Check check. I have nothing else. I’ve already proven that I can’t behave myself, so I’m going to avoid any further conversation about this.



Enough said.

It’s Leslie’s date time. She’s stoked about the earrings that Edward gave her. Time to speed off in the hot sports car for the whole Reg Bev Wil experience. That car corners like it’s on rails. Edward takes Vivian into a store and sits on the couch waiting for her to walk out in a tie while he orders pizza. She chooses a dress, chooses 120 carats worth of ice as a neck accessory, and learns how to eat escargot without flinging it across the restaurant. 

The opera is substituted with a random table for 2 in the Bradbury Building. Not exactly a jet to San Fran but Viv feels like Cinda-freakin-rella, nonetheless. A nice dinner will do. After all, this ain’t a buffet Kit. But it was so good she almost peed her pants.

The girls converse back at the mansion. Tierra is in an unusually great mood. She has a screw loose.

Edward picks up the rose as if he were about to deliver it to his Vivian, but he can’t bring himself to do it. All he can think about is Kit. Viv is whisked away by the exit vehicle as she is left to wonder who she will offer $20 directions to next. Hope he doesn’t work on commission. Big mistake. Big. Huge. She’s going shopping now.

Tierra is happy to begin the cocktail party with a rose. Sean apologizes to capital L for not spending time with her this week. Robyn offers her vanilla bean a bowl full of chocolate. Tierra then corners Jackie and Robyn to offer up an “apology” which was about as genuine as her “fall.” By the way, thank you Catherine for coining the best nickname ever. Tierrible. Yesss.

Catherine gets some alone time and gives him a kiss on paper. It was far less awkward than the one she got in person. Stiff neck strikes again.

Ting ting ting ting. Enter Chris with his butter knife and champagne flute. Time to send some ladies home. Those who get to stay are...

Catherine
Des
Lindsay
Lesley
Robyn
Ash with a capital L and no eye liner
Sarah
Jackie - Who? Somebody needs to give this girl some camera time.
Daniella

To creep or not to creep, that is the question that may never be answered. But to go home, yes she does. With her tears and yellow bruised chin.

Next week - a 2-day Bachelor event. WHAT?!?! Is it Christmas all over again? I know there were several things that previewed, but the only thing I saw was Tierrible and another “injury” which apparently involved an ungraceful game of bikini tag across a glacier, smeared mascara and “trembling” hands. This oughtta be good.

Until next time, my lovelies.

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