Episode 3 - Awkward Kisses, Broken Records and Crack Shots

First off, an apology. Last week was a challenging one. Admittedly, Bachelor blogging went to the proverbial back burner. I had resigned to the reality that I was going to have to throw in a few fleeting thoughts in lieu of a full recap for Week 3 but that has changed. I am home today with a sick son. I have a lot of work to do today, but I decided I’d take some time out to get in a full recap before resuming my productivity. So here goes...

And a theme develops, people. The show - AGAIN - begins with Sean showing off his best asset. No I’m not referring to his eyebrows. I believe we all know how I feel about those creepy things. But everything else, I don’t exactly object to. He’s no Brad Womack, but still.

Chris starts the day off: Good morning, ladies. Get your fannies in the living room. How’s it going? Congratulations. 16 of you made it through the 2nd phase of cuts. Be proud, hound dogs, be very proud. Let’s talk about this week. Three dates. A group date and two one-on-ones...BUT not all of you get a shot with Sean’s abs this week. Not even all of you get to see his eyebrows up close. But be prepared, because a select few might even get an awkward makeout sesh with him. Use your time wisely. Here’s the first date card.

Chris draws back a bloody stump as Selma wastes no time snatching the date card, which backflip Robyn is clearly ready to fight for if it holds no profanity or urban slang. No such luck, though. Lesley M, How long will this love last?

Please allow me to interject. Homegirl rockin’ the great state of Arkansas on her necklace. WPS! I plan to get me one.

Heading down to Hollywood to begin the date. A visit to the Guiness Book of World Records museum?? Cool date, bro. Ahhh but just when you think the level of lame couldn’t get any lamer... a kissing challenge. Longest On-Screen Kiss. A challenge these two crazy kids are up for. As I watch Sean dig in his pocket for an Altoid, I found myself getting nervous. I was anticipating a train wreck. I mean, c’mon. He’s a bad enough kisser when he’s being passionate about it. This scenario? It’s bound to be terrible. Like watching a teenage boy kiss his great aunt. Three minutes of pure agony for my eyes. That’s what I predicted my future would hold. Admittedly, I had hoped I’d be wrong. But between the uncomfortable giggling, the dress that is about to give us a crack shot, and Sean’s stiff neck, I was right. Oh man. Make it stop. Somebody, please. MAKE. IT. STOP. But lucky for Sean, he remembered to wear an untucked button up that fell well below his belt line. You feel me?

Now that the awkwardness has ended, we move on to the evening portion of the date where we again move dangerously close to said crack shots. He takes her atop the Roosevelt. Nice. Total redemption from the Guinness debacle. Unnnnntilllllll it happened. The long-awaited “real kiss” that hadn’t happened in the midst of the many weird moment kisses. The kiss I hoped would resemble something of Arie's mad makeout skills. But alas. No such luck. Sadly, Sean has not improved upon his stiff-necked technique. And unfortunately, the camera zoomed in as we watched Sean attempt that tongue-teasing thing Arie suggested. One word... gross. Arie, where are you when we need you?!

And on that note, date card! Ash with a capital L builds the suspense before reading it. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Des, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra - Who’s going to win my heart? Let the claws come out. But never fear, capital L didn’t want that date anyway because it might involve something resembling a physical challenge lacking in organization.

Back atop the Roosevelt, high up in the sky, Lesley receives a rose and gets another lip-nibbling signature kiss from ole stiff neck. Hey, at least I’m not endlessly picking on his creepy flesh-colored eyebrows this season... yet.

Group date time. The girls head to the beach. As the limo pulls up, you can practically hear them pushing to get out, oblivious to the fact that the limo is still coming to a rolling stop. These crazies are ready for a day at Zuma with their Texan. They demand that Sean remove his tank top as they cat call. Hope he brought his 50 Shades whistle. I gotta say. The whole beach volleyball thing... it didn’t bode well for my self-esteem. Forget gun control, let’s put a ban on skinny girls in bikinis. And besides that, when it comes to beach volleyball, anyone who’s anyone KNOWS how it’s really done...

And, THAT, my friends is what beach volleyball is all about. It's a classic.

Let the games get under way. Blue team vs. red team. Losing team goes home. The girls volley it up while Sean stands there watching. Right about now, he wishes he’d have worn that button up again.

The match comes to an end. Bye bye red. See ya back at the house, Tierra! ...and Kristy! Take your tears on back to the mansion. Oh I’m sorry. Do I sound insensitive and rude? My bad. Take your tears on back to the mansion, PLEASE. Yeah, that’s better. I said please.

As the losers sit at the mansion feeling dejected and alone, Sean takes his winners back to his house. Des gives Sean a wink and a nudge to remind him of their time in his hot tub last week. Meanwhile, Sean steals Lindsay away for a kiss out back. Still, the guy will not tilt his head. My eyes are starting to hurt! MY EYES!

But just as it seems Sean is distracted by someone else, Des swoops in and gets herself some alone time.

Back at the ponderosa, the last date card arrives. Tierra rushes to read it as if she believes she might get picked for a second date. Not happening though. Tierra reads the card anyway. AshLee and Selma.... no wait. Sorry girls, I’m just being stupid. Selma you’re out of luck. AshLee - Do you believe in magic?  Tierra. Ugh.

And wow. The drama ensues back at Sean’s pad. Amanda is ready to do what it takes to get the rose. Des is NOT havin’ it. I personally can’t decide if ABC is doing some really creative editing or if Amanda really is that creepy. Des says yes. Yes she really is that creepy, people. A drunken Kacie in an ultra mini skirt (another crack shot) is on the hunt for drama tonight. She sees this Des/Amanda thing as something Sean would not like, so what better to do but tell him? Right? Isn’t that always the smart thing to do? Get plastered and then blab your thoughts to someone who didn’t ask for them? Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Should’ve left the beer goggles at home, Otis. As if the drunkenness wasn’t apparent enough during that God-AWFUL conversation, the rose going to Lindsay pushed Kacie over. She can barely hold her eyes open as she sobs in her interview. 

It’s finally time for Ash’s date. That’s Ash with a capital L, if you’re nasty. She puts on her most beautiful mini doily dress, bound and determined to have the shortest dress of the week. But wait. The date won’t begin as early as expected. An unexpected “fall” delays the date. Poor poor Tierra “fell” down the stairs just before Sean is to arrive to pick up AshLee. Sitting upright on the stairs letting Sean rub her back is apparently just what the doctor ordered for an “injury” of this type. Medics arrive, stick a brace on her neck and roll her onto the stretcher. But wait. She’s fiiiiiiine. She feels much better now. That nasty “fall” is all behind her. No need to rush her to the hospital. After all, Sean is there now and the spotlight is on her. Seriously. She’s fine. She just wants to be left alone. The “pain” will go away soon. All she needs is a little spooning to make it all better. That “fall” was a nasty one, but nothing a little date sabotage won’t fix. I don’t mean to imply she did any of this on purpose. I’m sure this was a very serious “fall” with severe “pain” and an “injury” that is very real. The couch time with Sean, and her unusually mobile (and fully functioning) “hurt” neck which was better only seconds after her “fall,” should not be any sort of indicator. Right?

So capital L finally gets to head out for her date. They get a theme park to themselves for the day. She rethinks the doily dress at this point, but it is too late. She should probably avoid the ferris wheel. They spend their time with two girls suffering from chronic illnesses. AshLee interacts with the girls and impresses Sean. On paper, she is perfect. Sean buys into it all and thinks she is genuine. Me, on the other hand...I still have my doubts. But something I don’t doubt is the true talent of the Eli Young Band. Nice touch, ABC.

To cap their night, Sean and capital L engage in serious conversation. Her story is a touching one. But her approach. Pardon my skepticism, but again, sounding good on paper is one thing. Sincerity is a completely different thing. Did everything really play out exactly as she says? Is it all really that perfect? Just curious. Sorry. It’s a gut feeling. I don’t trust her. The only thing missing is fuzzy bunnies and butterflies.

Cocktail party time. Tierra sure has bounced back from her “injury.” Sean takes Sarah out front for a surprise visit from Leo. After that special moment, which mildly confused me, he corners the “patient” to check on her condition. She quickly did the duck-and-run when the subject of her “fall” arose. Des swoops in for some alone time with him. T is not having it. After making it clear she is about to punch some walls, she steals him back. And so begins a vicious cycle of theft. Kacie saunters over in her Body Glove wet suit and bump-it ponytail to issue an apology for her drunken behavior the other night. Too little too late. She is swiftly escorted out at the onset of the rose ceremony. He sticks her in a minivan back to the Volunteer state. He’s finished with her, and so am I. Never thought I’d feel that way about sweet Kacie, but she turned out to be quite a hot mess.

As for the other roses, they go to:

Tierra, who has completely recovered from her “fall”

Leslie H.

Catherine

Daniella

Robyn

Selma - Is she wearing her grandma’s table cloth?

Sarah and Leo

Jackie - Who?

Amanda - To crazy or not to crazy?

Des

Hot mess Taryn and Ford model Kristy bid us adieu. Tears from both girls. Lack of sympathy from me.

Next week - Jeep rides, rock climbing, chocolate double entendres, roller derby and Tierra’s cray cray side comes screaming at us...not that she has any other side. Interesting stuff in store. Plus a grammatical faux pas from the resident nutjob. Dear T, the word fakeness isn’t in my Dictionary app. But faker is. So is desperate.

Until next time, my lovelies.