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Monday, January 7, 2013

50 Shades of O-M-G


It’s here...the moment we’ve been waiting for. The quest for the coveted rose begins. Sean Lowe is here to stake his claim on 25 new and slightly desperate women. The drama is back. Cat fights. Backstabbing. Romance. Creepy flesh-colored eyebrows. Sloppy inebriation. Ridiculousness (yes, that’s a word, just ask Rob Dyrdek). Even a make-out sesh or two... or 92. Let’s just hope ole Sean has amped up his awkward kissing technique.

Apparently, it’s the season of the Ashleys...well, technically there’s an AshLee in the mix. A bit of a pretentious spelling, don’t ya think. With the capital L on the second syllable. Psht.

I’ve read through the Bios, and nothing jumped out and screamed “She’s the one” but there was one in particular that screamed “She’s NOT the one.” I must say, I don’t see our Bachelor walking down the aisle with Brooke. I can respect a person loving birthdays, but not knowing the difference in a holiday and a birthday - that’s just... now, now Michelle. I won’t get my claws out this early. Another one I don’t see ending up with Sean is Diana. If she could be someone else for a day, she’d be Taylor Swift. Really? An immature, bitter, vindictive, mediocre singer sailing through her career on songs of revenge. Yeah that’s who I’d like to be, too. Let’s talk about Jackie. She loves her mom, she’s clumsy, she has an affection for NYC during Christmas time. So many things I relate to. I approve. Then there’s Kelly. Her entire bio screams insecurity. Prediction: she might be a major source of drama, and she’s not going to be able to handle Sean talking to anyone else She’ll be that girl. And by the way, I’m a little leery of this “Cruise Ship Entertainer” thing. They have poles on cruise ships?? I didn’t get past the first line of Robyn’s bio. She helped a friend stalk an ex-boyfriend? Wowzers. I’m out. Sarah went to art school. She has a bulldog. She likes to be complimented. She’s pretty. She’s in advertising. I’m in. Ashley P. spends her Saturday night going out with her friends and their fiances/husbands. Yeah I BET that’s what she does on Saturday night. I don’t trust her. I didn’t get much out of Lindsay’s bio, but I must compliment her looks. Probably the prettiest of the 25 women. I know it would only be right if I could like Lesley. After all, she IS an Arkansas gal. But her entire bio is one big cliche. She looks to have shifty eyes. She works in politics. As of now, I’m not drawn to the Arkansan. Sorry. Ashley H... somehow I feel she might be a little self-absorbed and possibly a little too much into appearances. Maybe I’m judging a book by its cover. Maybe I’m right. Maybe I’m wrong. However, she’s a model. Does the name Courtlip ring a bell? You make the call. Besides the fact that AshLee has two capital letters in her first name, she also claims it can take her up to 3 hours to get ready to go out. No thank you. Who the heck is THAT patient?! Plus, she’s a “Personal Organizer” from Houston, TX. Is that code for “sales associate at The Container Store”? I think she and Kalon must be pals. Luxury Brand Consultant, Personal Organizer, both are titles nobody understands. Paige wrote Bachelor recaps for her college newspaper. That part steals my heart. But she was also one of the fans who competed on Bachelor Pad. Hmm. I’m thinking unhealthy obsession. Maybe she’ll get sent home tonight. But something tells me ABC smells ratings with this one. And last but not least, Desiree. I feel like I already heart her a little. I like everything about her bio, plus she is a cutie. And she’s a Bridal Stylist. That just sounds cool.

Ok, there it is. A few words about a few girls. The ones I didn’t mention are the ones that didn’t hit my radar... yet. I suspect after tonight’s show, I’ll form new opinions of some of these girls. I’ll also form opinions of the ones I didn’t take notice of based on their bio pages.

Here we go, readers. Buckle up and get ready. Because, as we hear each time, this could be the most dramatic season ever! I leave you with this. The picture that makes me go Hmmmm.... what eyebrows??

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